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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » 2005 Stella Awards

Sir Christopher sends us this by email which we, in lieu of a link, will just cut and paste in its entirety:

2005 - STELLA AWARD WINNERS

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual “Stella Awards.” The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald’s (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year’s winners:

5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000. by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson’s son.

5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000. and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year’s runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around!

Other than causing His Majesty undue anguish due to heightened blood pressure (where do we sue?), this only serves to prove what has long been an Imperial Policy Suggestion:

Let’s do away with the trial part in these kinds of cases. Once we’re done with jury selection, we just herd the 12 “lucky” drooling retards off to the nearest wall and drop it on them.

This should, in a very short while, increase the National Average IQ by at least 30-50 points.

There may well be hitherto undiscovered organisms living at the bottom of the Marianas Trench with cerebral capacities lower than the bipedal oxygen thieves serving on those juries of defendant’s “peers” (if defendant is a pile of wet kitty litter, maybe. Otherwise somebody needs to look up the meaning of “peer” in Webster’s), but we much doubt it. Should we be proven wrong in the future, however, we’d heartily endorse nuking the shit out of the Marianas on general principle.

In order to cleanse the nation’s gene pool further, we suggest that counsel for the plaintiff be handcuffed to the jurors immediately prior to setting off the shaped charges planted on the wall.

Thatisall.

UPDATE: Drat! We’ve been informed that we’ve been hoaxed, so we will now proceed to wear our Imperial Dunce Cap for not immediately Snopes’ing the story prior to print. Our stand on frivolous, greedy idiot lawyers and the even more idiotic jurors who somehow seem to believe that money grows on trees and that it’s better to award Joe F. Raudmeister a gazillion dollars for his fabricated sob story just in case, remains unchanged.

Two words: Merck suit.

We rest our case.

26 Responses to “2005 Stella Awards”
  1. Unregistered Comment by LC Muttley UNITED STATES

    Your write-up caused me mental anguish. I’m suing the Empire for 1.7 gajillion trillion dollars.
    :stupid:

  2. Blackiswhite Comment by Blackiswhite UNITED STATES

    These types of outrages can be prevented by liberal use of a gatekeeping mechanism already in place: Federal Rule of Civil Proceedure 11 and its assorted state counterparts.
    What it is designed to do is to throw out frivolous lawsuits and impose a myriad of sanctions on the asshats bringing them, which is why I generally start screaming at the television, radio, etc. when politicians of either strip start calling for legislation to prevent frivolous lawsuits. The problem, as I have mentioned before, is that more and more trial judges are elected, and they know, just like any other elected official that you don’t get relected by telling the constitutiency that they do not have a case. Think of it in the same terms as the guns laws already on the books that aren’t enforced.
    Results like these are why there are appeals, but given the fact that the results are not as outrageous or sexy, we don’t hear much about them.

  3. Unregistered Trackback by Presto Agitato

    Sigh (With Caveat)…

    I’ve heard at least one of these before in another form (it was middle-eastern men, not an old woman), so be alert for apocrypha, here….

  4. Mike M Comment by Mike M UNITED STATES

    Uh oh.

  5. Unregistered Comment by Lady Heather GLOR UNITED STATES

    :what:

  6. LC Ranger 6 Comment by LC Ranger 6 UNITED STATES

    Good catch Mike.

    Presto, what does this hoax have to do with the bible?

  7. Sir Christopher Comment by Sir Christopher UNITED STATES

    i take responsibility for this travesty of veracity.. just forwarded it. will stand in corner for rest of day

  8. Unregistered Comment by MurdockTheCrazy UNITED STATES

    :shiftyeyes:

  9. Unregistered Comment by Elephant Man UNITED STATES

    I’m going to sue Sir Christopher for a gazillion dollars for causing…well…something! :smirk:

  10. LibraryGryffon Comment by LibraryGryffon UNITED STATES

    But even if the stories are fabricated, what does it say about our court system that we have no trouble believing them?

    LC LG

  11. Mike M Comment by Mike M UNITED STATES

    Sir Christopher, Don’t feel too bad. They aren’t that much of a stretch.

  12. Sir Christopher Comment by Sir Christopher UNITED STATES

    you guys have heard of the URL shortening site SNIP URL..? in an email circle i’m in with a bunch of lefties, they saw a whole stream of hard hitting articles and links to damning articles (on looney left), and a complaint came back to stop sending propaganda from SNURPLE.COM. THey thought it was a right wing website.

  13. Emperor Darth Misha I Comment by Emperor Darth Misha I UNITED STATES

    Dammit, I knew I should’ve Snopes’ed it. It’s just I seemed to have heard of all of those cases previously.

    Oh well, I’ll put on my dunce cap now :stupid:

    Doesn’t change my stance on tort lawyers and their idiot jurors one little bit, though.

    Two words for you: Merck suit.

  14. Sir Christopher Comment by Sir Christopher UNITED STATES

    No Misha, I should have pre-screened it…

  15. maxxdog Comment by maxxdog UNITED STATES

    Say what you will about the fact checking. These “stories” are no more outlandish and rediculous then the namesake of the award.

  16. juandos Comment by juandos UNITED STATES

    Gee! All this time I thought it was the Stella on this site who was the inspiration for the whole award thingie… :lol:

  17. juandos Comment by juandos UNITED STATES

    Hey Sir Christopher (#8), maybe you can start a special awards section for the particularly odious type of moonbat and you can call it the Helen Thomas - raving, butt Munster coated fool…(Thanks to the lovely Ms. Malkin)

    I can’t think of a better way to illustrate feeble-minded 9/10 thinking than to memorialize this little exchange between Helen Thomas and White House press secretary Scott McClellan from today’s daily press briefing:

    THOMAS: Scott! Why do you keep linking Iraq and 9/11 and so forth? Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11. And you keep–we started the war in Iraq. We brought the terrorists in, so-called (makes quote-unquote gestures with her fingers). People are dying every day in Iraq…

  18. Unregistered Comment by Recovering Liberal UNITED STATES

    :shake: You can’t even trust Snopes!

    They have a section where they warn ya not to make anybody an Authority. Not even Snopes itself. Then the buggers set forth to prove it by putting out a series of rather believable bullshit articles. Check out their Lost Legends section and see for yourself.

    You might also have some fun with more gullible friends when you use that part of Snopes to “prove” the nonsense. But don’t tell anybody I said that.

    Oh, and PS… If you are ever tempted to test a link in your comment before posting, better copy the whole posting first because you cannot come back to a started post.

  19. RFA Comment by RFA UNITED STATES

    I wanna sue…and a julie and a sarah and a jackie ,too! :lol:

  20. Deathknyte Comment by Deathknyte UNITED STATES

    I think a round of executions for being to dumb to live is in order. And shoot the juries too, for being stupid.

    If you vote to stick it to a company, it can be stuck unto you. Stupid morons.

  21. Sir Christopher Comment by Sir Christopher UNITED STATES

    i’m going to sue MYSELF for making me look like an idiot

  22. Emperor Darth Misha I Comment by Emperor Darth Misha I UNITED STATES

    No Misha, I should have pre-screened it…

    That’s awfully decent of you, old chap, and don’t think I don’t appreciate it, but I get those things all the time and usually check them before posting them. Besides, I print it, I’m responsible for it.

    But thanks. I appreciate it :thumbup:

  23. LCJackboot Comment by LCJackboot UNITED STATES

    she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich

    And she gave a nice piece of crow pie to the Rottie Empire…buwaahhaaaaaaa…it sound a leeetle too good to be true.

    If it smells like :poop: it probably is. :lol:

  24. LCJackboot Comment by LCJackboot UNITED STATES

    Sir Chris- Say 50 hail Misha’s and ten our feathers……and all is forgiven wayward son.

  25. Unregistered Comment by Emperor Palpatine

    Well, of course the frightening thing about all of this is that everyone did believe these.

    Says a lot of what we think of the state of American civil jurisprudence, doesn’t it?

  26. MrSpkr Comment by MrSpkr UNITED STATES

    Eh, as a lawyer, I’ve read some of the “outrages”. The real outrage in the legal system isn’t the occasional oddball verdict (such as the Merck verdict); its the systematic abuse of the legal system by a handful of lawyers, particularly in regards to class action suits, medmal suits in certain states (West Virginia and Illinois are particularly bad), and the asbestos/silicosis circuits. Much of the problem could be solved by going to a “loser pays” system in which the Court (or jury) has the option to force those attorneys and clients who bring many of these suits to pay the prevailing party’s attorney fees.