LC & IB Rick Moran has a few ideas, specifically regarding what he’d do about the issues covered by this weeks Carnival of the ClueLess.

In the meantime, we have a few things to say about tonight’s episode.

In case you’ve TiVo’ed, DVR’ed or forced your kids to memorize the entire episode for you on pain of death and withdrawal of PlayStation privileges and are planning to enjoy it later, just stay away from the “Read More…” bit below this.

UPDATE: If you like this and want something more and even better (and, ONCE AGAIN, don’t mind spoilers!), do not under ANY circumstances miss out on Blogs4Bauer and LC & IB Rick Moran’s contributions.

First off, what in the everloving fluffy bunnies is with Jack these days? Last episode he only managed to whack one bad guy (read: Anybody who is not a friend of Jack’s) and this episode he didn’t kill any at all? This has got to stop. We will not sit idly by while Jack is turned into a Quaker by the writers. So get over it, or we’ll have to personally come out there and give you a hands-on lesson in just What Jack Bauer Would Do, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

Oh, and knock off the Diana vs. Audrey shtick. It’s just embarassing. Diana’s hot, Audrey’s not. Besides, we could be wrong about her but at least Diana hasn’t proven yet that she’s the kind of jellyfish that’ll break down and start sounding like an ACLU lawyer just because Jack has to perform an ad hoc appendectomy on a scumbag, sans anesthesia.

And another point: Diana’s confronting Audrey as she was taking Pretty Hair Boy home. “Look, I understand you and Jack had something. He lived with us for six months, but he still loves you. Do you love him? If not, just let him go.”

Now that’s class.

Ultimately, however, we all know that the last bloody thing Jack needs is a love interest, much less a family getting in the way. Season 1, anybody? Kim and her mother couldn’t farkin’ go to the bathroom without being kidnapped as they were passing through the hallway. Of course, this led to Jack killing more vermin, which is always a good thing, but still. Knock it off, writers, or I’m going to knock something off alright. It’s between your shoulders, in case you’re wondering.

So Jack goes off to strangle Cummings in his own intestines, judging by the fact that he was in a pretty good mood at this point. Inasmuch as there is such a thing as a “good mood” where Jack Bauer is concerned, which of course there isn’t. His idea of a “good mood” would make Ginghis Khan crap in the ears of his pony. But we digress. So he calls Mike Novick on his magical cell and, happily for Mike, he doesn’t push the wrong button. It would’ve made a mess, we’re sure.

Unfortunately, somebody else were listening in on the call. You’d have thunk that Jack would suspect such a thing by now, seeing as how he already knows that somebody in a high place had managed to find out that he was alive and located him while he was still “dead” (what? You didn’t watch the prequel? Shame!), not to mention the fact that he has a pretty good idea by now that mystery man is Cummings.

Has Jack fallen asleep at the switch? Of course he hasn’t. Jack doesn’t sleep. Not even when he does, which he doesn’t. Sleep is a human weakness that Jack has long since rid himself of. Clearly he meant for all of this to happen in order to root out more bad guys.

Cummings gets a call and immediately sets about convincing President Clapweasel that he only did what he did for the good of the country and that the brilliant plan is to detonate the nerve gas in Central Asia to manufacture a WMD incident, thus giving the U.S. an excuse to secure the region. Big surprise. Of course Cummings is a neo-con hawk. It’s a surprise that the writers didn’t come right out and call him “Cheney” while they were at it Obviously Mickey Moore-on guest-wrote this episode. Yaaaaawn. President Clapweasel folds like a wet house of cards (dear G-d, SOMETHING has got to happen to that moron before this day is up or I’ll dissect an aneurysm!) and Jack and Mike are rounded up and locked away.

As if locking up Jack would do anything other than piss him off, something that ranks right next to moving to a town called Sodom or Gomorrha for a swingin’ good time. Obviously Cummings and President Dickweasel forgot that Jack died, TWICE, and it STILL did nothing more than piss him off.

Oh, and Dickweasel immediately orders CTU to stand down (through Cummings, you didn’t really think that he had the backbone to give them the order himself, did you?), which Samwise Gamgee immediately agrees to. Until Bill Buchanan does the Texas Two-Step on his hairy feet and manages to talk some sense into him. He probably threatened with publishing certain photos of him and Frodo on the Internet.

In the meantime, back at the Presidential farm, Jack is out sooner than you can say “That’s Allstate’s Stand” (with a helping hand from all-around good guy, Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce) and immediately makes a beeline for Cummings, whom he then promptly proceeds to beat the snot out of while President Dickweasel stands around whimpering like a kicked puppy, begging Aaron to intervene which he refuses to do.

Cummings refuses to talk, of course (don’t those guys even try to read the files of the people they try to get killed?), which results in him having a pen knife under his right eye while Jack assures him that he’s done talking and that unless Cummings starts spilling the beans, he’ll take his right eye, then move over and take out the left, then start cutting him up and keep on cutting until he starts talking.

Cummings, sitting in a big pool all of a sudden, immediately starts talking.

Damn shame.

I was hoping for Jack to at least get to cut out one eye before the spineless wonder started talking. No such luck, dammit.

It turns out that Cummings the player has been played, of course (D’UH!), and that the nerve gas is now at large somewhere in the U.S.

Hopefully we’ll have some killin’ next week and G-d, if you’re listening, let one or two of the cannisters go off in Berkeley before they’re found.

Please?

15 Responses to “What Would Jack Bauer Do?”
  1. Unregistered Comment by LC&IB Russ, Imperial ClueBat Manufacturer UNITED STATES

    I’m sure Jack would have cheerfully played knifey-tiddley-winks with Cummings’ eyes, but THERE WAS NO TIME!

    I’m disturbed by the complete failure of Jack to increase his body count this week. But if the “scenes from next week’s episode” are anything to judge by, he’ll be making up some ground.

  2. scott Comment by scott UNITED STATES

    Sir
    I had to stop myself from commenting for an 1:15 (out hear on the left coast)
    After the frist three shows I was not a fan of 24 .
    I saw ten maybe 15 min. of the prequel and now I am a fan..

  3. Emperor Darth Misha I Comment by Emperor Darth Misha I UNITED STATES

    I sincerely hope so, LC & IB Russ, because I need to see some bad guys get blown away and I NEED IT RIGHT NOW!

    The knife scene sort of made up for it, however. If only Stephanopopopopopoolous Cummings had resisted a little bit more.

    LC Scott, it’s good to have another Follower of Jack™ around. We need more of those.

  4. maxxdog Comment by maxxdog UNITED STATES

    Jack should’ve cut the eye out anyway! Of course, the Prez would’ve gone all weak kneed like a little puss if he had but who cares?

  5. Redhead Infidel Comment by Redhead Infidel UNITED STATES

    If I have to hear the President whimper, “What do WE do now?” one more time, I’ll cut his eyeball out myself. Cummings: “WE don’t do anything, Mr. President, YOU just shut up and bend over while the dumbshit-player-that-I am gets played.”

    The President whines it again next week, except this time to Jack who says, “WE don’t do anything, Mr. President, YOU just shut up and bend over while I run this country.” YAY!

  6. Blackiswhite Comment by Blackiswhite UNITED STATES

    Am I the only one who was disappointed by the knife? After Cummings lied to him, I expected Jack (That’s Jack, not the kinder, gentler Jack), to pull out a pistol and shoot him in the knee, shout “Stop Lying!”, and aim at the other one. I mean, WTF?

  7. LC Wil Comment by LC Wil UNITED STATES

    Diana’s hot, Audrey’s not.

    Funny. I was just wondering if anyone else noticed that Audrey looks like a horse.

    Curdle milk at 30 paces.

    [shudder]

  8. lc ima mommy Comment by lc ima mommy UNITED STATES

    Thank You Emperor!! for that EXCELLENT recap!
    I have lecture on Mondays so I only got to see the first few episodes this season and will miss ALL the rest :rant:

    Anyway…trying to get an accurate account from my eye rollin teenager is…a challenge so to speak…so I really appreciate this post. I hope this will be a weekly thing.

  9. Sir Christopher Comment by Sir Christopher UNITED STATES

    that would have been two more “ayes” for this morning’s Alito vote

    oh, wrong eyes.

  10. jaybear Comment by jaybear UNITED STATES

    I’m a very recent 24 fan, my usual tendency is to avoid anything that is really really popular or fashionable….hence my late conversion to 24. Frankly, I was disappointed on a number of fronts last night….the whole thing about setting up a WMD situation, to justify our middle east position, seems to be playing to the viewers who are looking for something to watch now that Commander in Chief and West Wing have been scrapped….you know, hook ‘em with a good BushHitlerCheneyHalliburtonBigOilEnron conspiracy theory….

    If this sort of soft shoe leaning to the left continues, I’m renting the 24 first season DVD’s and forgetting about this season.

    C’MON JACK! GO FULL AUTO, BABY!!!

  11. SoCalOilMan Comment by SoCalOilMan UNITED STATES

    Jaybear
    Don’t give up just yet. They’ve dealt with killling off Pres. Palmer and set up the bad guys to be mobile with the gas going everywhich way. I predict lotsa DB’s. Consider this a quick breath before diving in again.

  12. Emperor Darth Misha I Comment by Emperor Darth Misha I UNITED STATES

    I’m with SoCalOilMan here, Jaybear.

    Sure, the MoveOn script bugged me too as is evident in the above post, but it does make for an interesting plot twist and, besides, from my experience with the other 4 seasons, I have this sneaking feeling that there’s more to this than meets the eyes. Not to mention that the main point is that Jack doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t matter which wing you think you come from, Jack could care less about politics, if you’re a threat to the safety of our citizens you’re going down. In painful and humiliating ways.

    Which we need more of. More killin’, less talkin’.

    And by all means DO go get the first season on DVD. You’ll be hooked so bad you’ll be scampering down to get Season Two as soon as the credits roll for the last episode. That’s what happened to me. I wasn’t all that interested at first (for the same reasons you state), but when Sir George gave me the first season to watch, I was a lost cause. Best. Show. Ever. Well, with the exception of Firefly which kicked ass. I’m still not sure who’d survive in a cage match between Malcolm Reynolds and Jack Bauer.

    Trust me, you won’t regret a single dime spent on buying them. And as to Notable Quotables, they’re just chock full of ‘em.

  13. jaybear Comment by jaybear UNITED STATES

    Ohhhh, I’m not giving up yet SoCal and Emperor. LIke you said, the previews hint at something big comin’. What I noticed from them is that the first lady had a pretty shifty look on her face (in the previews)…..maybe she’s not so crazy after all….keep an eye on her Jack.

    Oh, and regarding the Firefly series. I got the boxed set for Christmas and am now watching the entire set, again, for what I think is the fourth time. As much as I liked Serenity, I like Firefly better. A more interesting cagematch would be Jack Bauer and Zoe (not for any covert sexual reasons, I’m just judging them on their martial skills)

  14. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel UNITED STATES

    Cummings, sitting in a big pool all of a sudden, immediately starts talking.

    I wasn’t sure whether that was from Cummings or President “Jellyfish” Logan; Logan looked like he’d soiled his pants even before Jack pulled out the knife… :lol:

    Sure, the MoveOn script bugged me too as is evident in the above post, but it does make for an interesting plot twist (.)

    Oh, I don’t know about that: the whole thing about the Iraq War was that the whole planet thought Saddam had WMD, based in part on his past use of it (he did, just not in the quantities that we thought) while here you have a treacherous Presidential underling trying to plant WMD on a not-so-innocent third party that apparently wasn’t known to posess any, without Presidential authorization. It’s not quite the “Bush Lied!” scenario…

    And last season the liberals were upset over the “Amnesty Global” plotline and the family of Muslim terrorists, so I suppose it all evens out… :guns:

    And by all means DO go get the first season on DVD. You’ll be hooked so bad you’ll be scampering down to get Season Two as soon as the credits roll for the last episode.

    True, true. However, a word of advice, Jaybear: once you’ve watched Season Two, just skip over Season Three and go straight to Season Four (the best of the series, IMHO). Because in Season Three the scriptwriters got the bright idea to write Kim out of the show and reveal that Jack was actually the Bauer on drugs…and as a result the show came to a screeching halt.

    All you need to know about Season Three (which you’ll probably also need to know for this season) was that they married Kim off to Jack’s even more gullible Season Three partner, “Chase,” with whom she was having an affair…and that in the Season Three finale Jack chopped Chase’s hand off with a fire axe. Ostensibly it was because Chase had a virus bomb handcuffed to his wrist and THERE WASN’T ANY TIME! for Jack to find the key. But, as we all know, you don’t touch Jack’s daughter and get away with it… :lol:

  15. Blackiswhite Comment by Blackiswhite UNITED STATES

    I think we are going to see another muslim tie in. These guys who have the gas sound like they are from some sort of Sovietskymooslimbstan in the former sovietsky soyooze. Then we can hear that Hammas has put a fatwa on the show. :lol: