LC & IB Rick Moran has a few ideas, specifically regarding what he’d do about the issues covered by this weeks Carnival of the ClueLess.
In the meantime, we have a few things to say about tonight’s episode.
In case you’ve TiVo’ed, DVR’ed or forced your kids to memorize the entire episode for you on pain of death and withdrawal of PlayStation privileges and are planning to enjoy it later, just stay away from the “Read More…” bit below this.
UPDATE: If you like this and want something more and even better (and, ONCE AGAIN, don’t mind spoilers!), do not under ANY circumstances miss out on Blogs4Bauer and LC & IB Rick Moran’s contributions.
First off, what in the everloving fluffy bunnies is with Jack these days? Last episode he only managed to whack one bad guy (read: Anybody who is not a friend of Jack’s) and this episode he didn’t kill any at all? This has got to stop. We will not sit idly by while Jack is turned into a Quaker by the writers. So get over it, or we’ll have to personally come out there and give you a hands-on lesson in just What Jack Bauer Would Do, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Oh, and knock off the Diana vs. Audrey shtick. It’s just embarassing. Diana’s hot, Audrey’s not. Besides, we could be wrong about her but at least Diana hasn’t proven yet that she’s the kind of jellyfish that’ll break down and start sounding like an ACLU lawyer just because Jack has to perform an ad hoc appendectomy on a scumbag, sans anesthesia.
And another point: Diana’s confronting Audrey as she was taking Pretty Hair Boy home. “Look, I understand you and Jack had something. He lived with us for six months, but he still loves you. Do you love him? If not, just let him go.”
Now that’s class.
Ultimately, however, we all know that the last bloody thing Jack needs is a love interest, much less a family getting in the way. Season 1, anybody? Kim and her mother couldn’t farkin’ go to the bathroom without being kidnapped as they were passing through the hallway. Of course, this led to Jack killing more vermin, which is always a good thing, but still. Knock it off, writers, or I’m going to knock something off alright. It’s between your shoulders, in case you’re wondering.
So Jack goes off to strangle Cummings in his own intestines, judging by the fact that he was in a pretty good mood at this point. Inasmuch as there is such a thing as a “good mood” where Jack Bauer is concerned, which of course there isn’t. His idea of a “good mood” would make Ginghis Khan crap in the ears of his pony. But we digress. So he calls Mike Novick on his magical cell and, happily for Mike, he doesn’t push the wrong button. It would’ve made a mess, we’re sure.
Unfortunately, somebody else were listening in on the call. You’d have thunk that Jack would suspect such a thing by now, seeing as how he already knows that somebody in a high place had managed to find out that he was alive and located him while he was still “dead” (what? You didn’t watch the prequel? Shame!), not to mention the fact that he has a pretty good idea by now that mystery man is Cummings.
Has Jack fallen asleep at the switch? Of course he hasn’t. Jack doesn’t sleep. Not even when he does, which he doesn’t. Sleep is a human weakness that Jack has long since rid himself of. Clearly he meant for all of this to happen in order to root out more bad guys.
Cummings gets a call and immediately sets about convincing President Clapweasel that he only did what he did for the good of the country and that the brilliant plan is to detonate the nerve gas in Central Asia to manufacture a WMD incident, thus giving the U.S. an excuse to secure the region. Big surprise. Of course Cummings is a neo-con hawk. It’s a surprise that the writers didn’t come right out and call him “Cheney” while they were at it Obviously Mickey Moore-on guest-wrote this episode. Yaaaaawn. President Clapweasel folds like a wet house of cards (dear G-d, SOMETHING has got to happen to that moron before this day is up or I’ll dissect an aneurysm!) and Jack and Mike are rounded up and locked away.
As if locking up Jack would do anything other than piss him off, something that ranks right next to moving to a town called Sodom or Gomorrha for a swingin’ good time. Obviously Cummings and President Dickweasel forgot that Jack died, TWICE, and it STILL did nothing more than piss him off.
Oh, and Dickweasel immediately orders CTU to stand down (through Cummings, you didn’t really think that he had the backbone to give them the order himself, did you?), which Samwise Gamgee immediately agrees to. Until Bill Buchanan does the Texas Two-Step on his hairy feet and manages to talk some sense into him. He probably threatened with publishing certain photos of him and Frodo on the Internet.
In the meantime, back at the Presidential farm, Jack is out sooner than you can say “That’s Allstate’s Stand” (with a helping hand from all-around good guy, Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce) and immediately makes a beeline for Cummings, whom he then promptly proceeds to beat the snot out of while President Dickweasel stands around whimpering like a kicked puppy, begging Aaron to intervene which he refuses to do.
Cummings refuses to talk, of course (don’t those guys even try to read the files of the people they try to get killed?), which results in him having a pen knife under his right eye while Jack assures him that he’s done talking and that unless Cummings starts spilling the beans, he’ll take his right eye, then move over and take out the left, then start cutting him up and keep on cutting until he starts talking.
Cummings, sitting in a big pool all of a sudden, immediately starts talking.
I was hoping for Jack to at least get to cut out one eye before the spineless wonder started talking. No such luck, dammit.
It turns out that Cummings the player has been played, of course (D’UH!), and that the nerve gas is now at large somewhere in the U.S.
Hopefully we’ll have some killin’ next week and G-d, if you’re listening, let one or two of the cannisters go off in Berkeley before they’re found.