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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler ยป True Fact About Jack Bauer

The reason that it’s forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.

12 Responses to “True Fact About Jack Bauer”
  1. Unregistered Comment by The Ref UNITED STATES

    Jack Bauer invented the universe, then this “Yahweh” dude leaked it to the press.

    There are no enemies for Jack Bauer to fight, except death and peace.

    Jack Bauer makes his ideas of the enemy more “nuanced” by eating their hearts. With a nice chianti.

    Muslims don’t eat pork because of a deal Jack Bauer made with Allah. Allah agreed to tell his followers to stop eating swine, and Jack Bauer agreed to stop turning Muslims into sausage.

    The quick reaction teams are to Jack Bauer what the red shirts in Star Trek are to Captain Kirk. They show us how the monsters work.

    Jack Bauer cannot have a partner; they all die by 0900.

    The Pentagon is considering cloning an army of Jack Bauers, because the man will not fucking die. Ever.

    Syria is reportedly researching a rifle that is capable of hitting Jack Bauer. If they succeed, they will be the first to penetrate his mystical protective aura.

    Jack Bauer reportedly had a dry spell where America was not threatened with destruction for one whole week.

    A likeness of Jack Bauer is impossible, because no one can look on the naked face of G-d.

    What evil lurks in the hearts of men? Only Jack Bauer knows.

    First there was “need to know”. With Jack Bauer it is “you do not want to know”.

  2. Unregistered Comment by Emperor Palpatine

    Courtesy of Rush Limabugh yesterday:

    If you wake up in the morning, it’s only because Jack Bauer spared your life

    Jack Bauser’s favorite color is severe terror alert red; his second favorite color is violet, because it sounds like violent

    Jack Bauer once forgor where he put his car keys; he then spent the next half hour torturing himself until gave up the location of the keys to himself

    Jack Bauer gor Hellen Keller to talk

    Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin; heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer

    Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas

    Jack Bauer doesn’t miss; if he didn’t hit you, it’s because he was aiming at another terrorist twelve miles away

    The only reason you are conscious is because Jack Bauer doesn’t feel like carrying you

    Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead, it just makes him mad

    When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists, because he hates lemonade

    In grade school, a boy punched Kimberly Bauer, his daughter. She ran home and told her dad. That boy’s name? Stephen Hawking

    Jack Bauer doesn’t sleep; the only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed

    In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for show-and-tell

    Jack Bauer has died for his country and lived to tell about it

    As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were, ” There’s no time!”

    Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child.Once.

    Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer does

    Every time Jack Bauer yells “Now!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies

    Jesus died and rose from the dead in three days; it took Jack Bauer less than an hour and he’s done it twice

    Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in two hours; the inhabitants have been there for two years

  3. Unregistered Comment by Emperor Palpatine

    I Took these of Blogs for Blauer

    1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

    2. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

    3. If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

    4. Upon hearing that he was played by Keifer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

    5. Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

    6. Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

    7. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

    8. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

    9. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

    10. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in MiddleEastern men.

    11. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

    12. Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.

    13. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f**king do it.

    14. The quickest way to a man’s heart is through Jack Bauer’s gun.

    15. Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.

    16. No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a pussy” in a sentence and lived to tel…

    17. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

    18. Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

    19. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

    20. The real reason the Army ditched the “Army of One”campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.

    21. Jack Bauer named his cat ‘Chuck Norris.’ Why? Because He’s a pussy.

    22. Jack Bauer doesn’t urinate or defecate. He secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals which can be combined to create napalm.

    23. That cougar that stalked Kim was actually Jack Bauer’s pet cat. Jack used his Beastmaster powers to keep an eye on Kim and to keep her in line through fear.

    24. The only reason terrorists keep attacking LA is so they can meet Jack Bauer.

    25. The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.

    26. Chase wasn’t actually in any danger from that terrorist virus. Jack Bauer just cut off his hand because that’s how he warns all of Kim’s boyfriends.

    27. Jack Bauer creates an “airtight perimeter” by yelling at the air and calling it a pussy until it gets its shit together and falls in line.

    28. Jack Bauer parts LA traffic with his enormous penis. That’s why he can reach anywhere in the city in the span of a commercial break.

    29. The reason CTU’s superiors are called “Division” is because Jack Bauer broke their building in half in a fit of rage because they couldn’t bring him a sandwich in 24 hours.

    30. Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.

    31. CTU stands for Jack F*cking Bauer.

    32. God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.

    33. Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.

    34. Jack Bauer knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

    35. Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.

    36. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

  4. Unregistered Comment by Roger Glass UNITED STATES

    In the presence of Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris sits to pee.

  5. LC HOGHEAD Comment by LC HOGHEAD UNITED STATES

    YOUR MAGESTY, NOW THAT YOURE OFFICALLY THE BLOGOBAUER, DONTCHA THINK HE (BAUER) DESERVES A PICTURE ON THE MASTHEAD?????

  6. Emperor Darth Misha I Comment by Emperor Darth Misha I UNITED STATES

    YOUR MAGESTY, NOW THAT YOURE OFFICALLY THE BLOGOBAUER, DONTCHA THINK HE (BAUER) DESERVES A PICTURE ON THE MASTHEAD?????

    Well, he’s already got one on the top of the right sidebar, but it’s not a bad idea.

    Lemme see if I can somehow incorporate it into the banner without losing the look.

  7. TPCrasher78 Comment by TPCrasher78

    I heard Jack Bauer can kick Chuck Norris ass, take that http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com!

    And to quote St. Jack Bauer, patron saint of the Rott,- “YOUR LAWYER CAN KISS CAN KISS MY ASS!”

  8. Unregistered Comment by fjbill

    Those are all from This site. You should go submit that fact to the site, Misha. :thumbup:

  9. Emperor Darth Misha I Comment by Emperor Darth Misha I UNITED STATES

    Done, fjbill, and thanks!

  10. lc ima mommy Comment by lc ima mommy

    I heard Jack Bauer can kick Chuck Norris ass

    F***in Chuck Norris…

    sorry, just saw Dodgeball a few nights ago ;-)

  11. TPCrasher78 Comment by TPCrasher78

    Dodgeball. Great film. “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!”

  12. lc ima mommy Comment by lc ima mommy

    Hey WELCOME BACK TexPat!! Where the hell ya been?