After looking at the calendar, we suddenly realized that it’s once again time for The Imperial Friday Funnies & Drinking Post™.
So, without further ado… Let the games begin!
Guts and Balls
We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next.”
(Hat tip, once again, to my buddy Ric for passing this one along.—B.)
F.E.T.E.
Entries (RSS)
“Of course there’s lipstick on my collar, dear. I used my shirt to wipe it off my pecker.”
March 10th, 2006 at 1:51 pmotherwise all one has to deploy are “buts”
March 10th, 2006 at 2:09 pmFrancis,
March 10th, 2006 at 2:22 pmYou could use a variation on that one,where the mooselimb guy comes home smelling like the south end of a north bound goat.
March 10th, 2006 at 2:36 pmOkay, this blonde woman is taking a walk alongside a cornfield. Suddenly she notices this other blonde, in the middle of the field, “paddling,” a canoe.
Indignantly, she shouts, “Damn, you’re stupid! It’s blondes like you that give all blondes a bad name. You know, I ought to go out there and kick your stupid ass..and I would, too, if I could swim!”
March 10th, 2006 at 2:37 pmThe toilet tanks on airliners sometimes leak, resulting in liquid waste freezing into big blobs on the outside of the fuselage…and then, occasionally, they break off and shell the countryside. One couple in Denver had one smash right through the roof of their house once.
March 10th, 2006 at 2:53 pmJust goes to show you: even if you don’t live near any strategic missile targets, you can still get attacked by an icy B.M.
A scategic missile?
March 10th, 2006 at 3:05 pmDefinition of a rodeo fuck:
March 10th, 2006 at 3:05 pmWhen mounting your woman from behind, lean over and whisper another woman’s name in her ear.
An Army General, Air Force General, Marine General, and Navy Admrial were all having a few drinks and started arguing who had the bravest troops.
The Army general said “I have the the bravest troops in the service and I can prove it, watch”.
“Private! he barked to a passing solider, “Go stop that tank with your bare hands NOW!”..”YESIR” screamed the private and ran off to intercept the tank, needless to say the tank sqaushed the hapless man flat.
The Air Force General snorted and said “You think that’s Brave ? Watch this…AIRMAN”! He yelled at a passing Airman “Go catch that F-15’s landing with your bare hands ” “YESSIR”! said the young man and ran off, needless to say the 20 ton aircraft sqaushed him flat.
The Marine General growled…”Why that’s nothing.. watch this… CORPRAL…Go run and stop that speeding jeep with your bare hands!!”…”OOHRAA!” screamed the Corporal and sped off, needless to say the jeep sqaushed him flat.
The Admiral smiled and said “Brave men all shipmates but watch this…Petty Officer Come here.” “YESSIR!” said the sailor… “I want you to climb to the top of that aircraft carrier and jump off”…The Sailor looked at him for a moment and said …”Whaadaya fucking stupid sir?!?”
The admiral tuned to his cohorts smiled and said, “NOW That shipmates is bravery….”
March 10th, 2006 at 3:45 pmWhats yellow and sleeps alone?
Yoko Ono,Drumscrash….that was my shadenfrude showing again .I will have few drinks with BC tonight to toast all of the reguler suspects.Have agreat weeknd Rotties and Rottie hotties,Wish i could do the Tm thing lol later
March 10th, 2006 at 4:04 pmPunchline: “By the saints, isn’t education a wonderful thing!? You know, I’ve been pissing through one of those things for seventy years and never knew what you called it!!”
March 10th, 2006 at 4:25 pmThree Rednecks were working on a tall TV tower- Catfish, Hoss and Bubba. Catfish fell off and was killed instantly. As the ambulance took the body away, Hoss says,
March 10th, 2006 at 4:42 pm“Someone should go and tell his wife.”
Bubba says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Hoss says, “Where did you get that, Bubba?”
“Catfish’s wife gave it to me,” Bubba replies.
“That’s unbelievable. You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?”
Well, not exactly”, Bubba says.
“When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Catfish’s widow?.”
She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”
And I said, “I’ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are”.
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
March 10th, 2006 at 4:43 pm“Right now, I’m just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but within a month or two, my father will pass and I’ll inherit over 20 million dollars.”
The woman went home with Robert.
Four days later she became his stepmother.
Bruce and Lance are walking hand in hand through the park in San Fran, unaware that a gorilla had escaped from the zoo.
The gorilla jumped out from behind a bush and grabbed Bruce and dragged him away. Lance ran for his life.
Two days layer Lance found out Bruce was in the hospital and went to visit. He found Bruce bruised and beaten with a do-nut bandage around his ring piece.
“What happened?” he asked.
Bruce replied. “He dragged me away, forced my head between his legs, then threw me belly down over the picnic table and had his way with me for 2 hours non-stop with his huge dick. When he was finished he just threw me away into the bushes”.
“Oh My God” said Lance, “Does it hurt?”
“Does it hurt!? Does it hurt!? Of course it hurts. He never writes. Never calls. He never stops by!”
March 10th, 2006 at 4:44 pmGod is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him,
“God, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the ‘beginning’.”
“Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.
“Well,” says the scientist, “we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.”
“Well, that’s interesting …. show Me.”
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.
“No, no, no…” interrupts God, “Get your own dirt.”
March 10th, 2006 at 5:12 pmOne evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract her, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”
March 10th, 2006 at 5:21 pmYou want to see weird, see here or here.
March 10th, 2006 at 5:44 pmTwo Married men debating, just who’s Wife is the worst…
Well my Wife is so mean that every year on our Anniversary she celebrates by throwing bricks through the windows of where we were wed?
Yeah but does she tell you, that you are actually dead and have not got the sense to lie down and stiffen?
March 10th, 2006 at 5:51 pmWhy is it pointless to be diplomatic with Syria?
Their capital is Dumb-ass-cuss.
(Fixed it.—B.)
March 10th, 2006 at 5:57 pmA lawyer is sent to Hell. He’s taken around to the various rooms of torture, told that he may pick one- ONLY one- in which he may spend eternity. He sees the one with fire and brimstone, the icy lake, the hard manual labor, all the usual fates. He finally sees an unusual one: everyone is standing around, waist-deep in shit, drinking coffee and gossiping. He indicates to the Minion that, yeah, he could do this. He is asked “Are you sure? You may only choose once.” “Yeah- this is it for me.” “OhhhhKaaay.” The lawyer steps into the room towards the coffee pot, smug in his relatively easy punishment. It’s at that time the overseer announces “OK! Breaktime is over!! Everyone back on your heads!!”
March 10th, 2006 at 6:03 pmTom and Bill are carpenters.
One day, Tom and Bill are at work when clumsy Bill saws his own leg off. Tom puts the leg in a plastic bag and rushes Bill to the hospital. The next day, Tom visits the hospital and sees Bill in rehab playing soccer. “Wow, the wonders of modern science,” he remarks.
Later, Tom and Bill are at work again when Bill saws his arm off. Tom puts the arm in a plastic bag and rushes Bill to the hospital. The next day, Tom visits the hospital and sees Bill in rehab playing tennis. “Wow, the wonders of modern science,” he remarks.
Fast foward a few days, and Tom and Bill are back at work when Bill somehow manages to saw his own head off. Tom puts it in a plastic bag and rushes Bill to the hospital.
The next day, Tom visits the hospital and finds no sign of Bill. “Where’s Bill?” he asks an orderly.
“We might have saved him,” the orderly reports. “But some dumbass put his head in a plastic bag, and the poor guy suffocated.”
March 10th, 2006 at 6:36 pmA man is trying to lose weight, and after numerous unsuccessful attempts, he stumbles upon an ad that says ‘LOSE WEIGHT GAURANTEED-CALL 1223033303.” He makes the call and a man tells him there are three prices.
Lose 10 pounds : $200.00
Lose 30 pounds : $400.00
Lose 60 pounds : $1300.00
The man thinks gee…this might work, ao he waits a week, then calls and chooses the first option for $200.00.
An hour later, the doorbell chimes, and he opens it to see a stunningly beautiful blonde in the doorway. She comes into the house, drops her dress to reveal she is nude beneath.
She says in a breathy voice “If you can catch me…you can have me”..and she takes off running. He, of course tears after her….after massive exercise and two near accidents, he catches her, they tumble into bed and he has the best night of his life.
A day later he looks at the scales, and sees he has lost ten pounds. Ecstatic, he leans into his programme mnoe, and is actually making progress..when a nad sales week causes him to binge again.
Cursing his lapse, he tries for a while, and then decides to call the Weight Loss Centre again.
He tells them he wants the $400 special, they take his payment.
An hour later,a stunningly ravishing (and VERY athletic) brunette is in the doorway. She enters, drops her coat and says in a breathy voice “If you can catch me, I am yours for the whole night”
Needless to say, the ensuing strenuous exercise yields results, with a climactic and satisfying night with this gorgeous lady.
A few months go by.
An opening comes up with a specialist firm overseas, with a salary packge in the six figure range..but they want extremly fit staff, as the job will take them into some very remote areas.
By this time he has gained weight again, and has gotten a little complacent..but this job is everything he has dreamed of..so, realising he has little time left before he is due to leave, he calls again, and orders the 60 pound special.
The clerk hesitates “Sir…are you sure about this?”
The man is definite, and repeats his order.
An hour later, the doorbell chimes, and he opens it…to be brought face to face with a hulking 400 pound gorilla.
As he backs away into the house in terror, his eyes are suddenly drawn to a sign around the beasts neck.
“IF I CATCH YOU, I FUCK YOU”
March 10th, 2006 at 6:52 pmIf I had the guts to say that, I might not have any balls left…or is it the other way around?
March 10th, 2006 at 7:56 pmThree men sitting stiffly side by side on a long plane flight to Korea for a military planning exercise. After 30 minutes the man on the left suddenly says distinctly and confidently in a low voice: General, United States Army, married, two sons, both surgeons.
March 10th, 2006 at 7:59 pmA few minutes later the man on the right reveals through a tight-lipped smile: General, United States Marine Corps, married, two sons, both judges.
Several minutes pass before the one in the middle with eyes twinkling, loudly proclaims: Chief Warrant Officer, United States Army, NEVER married, two sons, both generals.
dang, do we do this *every* friday? mang o mang, i have to get out more.
March 10th, 2006 at 8:15 pmThis is great! Stop by theothersideofkim (Imperial Firearms Advisor). He’s got a similar thing going and the comment section is hilarious!
Love it!
John
March 10th, 2006 at 8:20 pmOly is a Norwegian Lutheran who lives in Minnesota in a predominantly Catholic neighborhood. Oly is also a big hunter, and every Lent, when the Catholics are eating fish on Friday’s, Oly is usually grilling a big, fat venison steak on his grill.
The smell drives the Catholics nuts, so they talk their priest into trying to convert Oly to Catholicism, which he does. Oly takes instruction, which is the better part of a year, so he’s accepted into the Catholic church the next Lenten season. The priest calls Oly up to the front of the church and sprinkles him with holy water three times saying, “Oly, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic!”
The very next Friday, Oly goes out and fires up his grill and tosses on the biggest venison steak ever. The neighbors catch a whiff of the heavenly aroma, and start calling the priest. “You didn’t tell Oly about the fish on Fridays thing, Father! Go straighten him out!”
So, the priest walks over to Oly’s house and as he rounds the corner into his back yard, he sees Oly with a bottle of water, sprinkling his steak saying, “You were born a deer, you were raised a deer, but now you are a walleye!”
March 10th, 2006 at 8:27 pmHerb and Matilda are in their 80’s. Matilda takes ill and is taken to the hospital and immediately into the ICU.
Once there she is hooked up on all the monitors etc and appears in somewhat of a coma.
The doctors approach Herb and explain that it is not looking godd and that, if he was amenable, a new concept could be tried.
Herb asks what it is and they tell him that studies show that Oral sex might just bring her around and would he be willing.
Herb grimaces and says “OK, but could you pull the curtains around?”, which they do.
He is in about 1 minute and as the medics are watching the monitors, Matilda flat-lines and they rush in.
“What happened?” the doc asks.
“Dunno”, said Herb. “She had it in her mouth for about 30 seconds and she choked”.
March 10th, 2006 at 8:44 pm“suck Mary Jane Suck!! BLOW job is just a figure of speech!!”
G. Carlin
March 10th, 2006 at 9:16 pmThe president of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People will make a “special trip” to New Orleans next week to express the NAACP’s opposition to the way the April 22 state and local election will be conducted.
The fear among black liberals is that many African-Americans who tend to vote for Democrats fled the city after Hurrican Katrina and have not returned.
In a press release issued Friday, the NAACP said it has reviewed the proposed election process and has determined that it “will result in thousands of displaced residents being denied a meaningful opportunity to vote.”…:lol:
March 10th, 2006 at 9:19 pmDoesn’t matter, Caveman. If you actually said that, she’d get them both out so you could take a good long look at them, lying on the floor…
March 10th, 2006 at 11:43 pmYesssssssssssss. descretion is certainly the better part of cowardice…..besides, I love my wife very much…and after twenty-five years, she does know me very, very well. And dem gals are meaner n’ shit when pissed off.
March 11th, 2006 at 9:21 amand we do have to sleep sometime, and they know it!
March 11th, 2006 at 10:59 amI doubt if they’re meaner than this conservative chick. Fortunately for him, my hubby of 25 years, is as sensible as you two guys seem to be!
March 11th, 2006 at 2:47 pmSunday Funnies…
image courtesy of faithmouse. The ACLU do seem paranoid about ordering pizza.
March 12th, 2006 at 11:32 amEither Orr has the Carnival of Comedy
Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiller tells us the difference between guts and balls.
Rightwing Nation shows us more stupidity from PETA.
Dryb…