Friday Saturday Jokes and Drinking Thread
Posted by: Emperor Misha I in Friday Humor7:01 pm
His Majesty doesn’t rightly know what happened to the Friday joking, getting drunk and generally misbehaving thread and, since he was having too much fun with the family and LCs Val and Rob and their positively charming Heiress, he accepts no responsibility for what went on in his absence.
But since Saturday Night’s Alright For Drinking as well, we’ll just move it a day.
Four muslim brothers were riding a camel. One was sitting on the neck, one in front of the hump, one behind the hump and the last one dangling off the rump.
The one in front notices that the camel is crying and tells his brother behind him:
“Brother, the camel is crying.”
He, not wanting to bother, passes on the message to the brother behind the hump:
“Brother, the camel is crying.”
He’s not too interested either and, besides, who cares if the bloody camel is crying?, so he too passes it on:
“Brother, the camel is crying.”
The last brother, the one hanging on the rump, replies:
“I don’t give a good damn. Besides, if I pull my dick out I’m going to fall off.”
Add your own below.
Entries (RSS)
(Q): What do they do with those ugly towels after a Muslim dies?
(A): They wrap them up and make Sand Dunes out of them.
(A): They are used for a poor excuse for speed bumps in Iraq.
Q: How come the Taliban are not circumcised?
March 18th, 2006 at 7:24 pmA: It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.
From 1970-200
1970: Long Hair.
2000: Longing for hair.
1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it’s cool.
2000: Moving to California because it’s warm.
1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.
1970: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.
1970: Our president’s struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president’s struggle with fidelity.
1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.
1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal’s office.
2000: Calling the principal’s office.
1970: Defy the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.
1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to cut your hair.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver’s test.
2000: Passing the vision test.
1970: “Whatever”
March 18th, 2006 at 7:27 pm2000: “Depends”
Immediately after a recent show with Doctor Wafa Sultan they ran the ever popular “Ask The Other Imam” programme.
It was blacked out for Western watchers but a transcription appears below:
alJizzeria Enterprises
Iowa
2006
ASK THE OTHER IMAM
[Mayfield Imam Mufti Wahlid Khaleever. Caution: R-rated subject matter.]
Q: I need to know what is the fatwa for passing gas from the front in women?
A: Pussy farts do not invalidate the Wudhu if they are silent. However, they are a sign of disrepect in the wife, and she should cut down on the falafel. If it continues, she should be beaten or given Pussy Beano or
something.
Q: When we bought our Nike clothes, we did not know that Nike meant Greek god. What should we do with these products we have?
A: You should remove all logos from sporting apparel which refer to false gods, such as “Nike” or “Favre.” In addition, if you own a Mercury automobile, you should remove its logos, and fill in with bondo. You might also consider a 3″ chop and frenched headlights, and a Gene Winfield fade. Not only is this Deen, you will soon have a bitchin’ Merc lead sled which is holy in the eyes of Allah, peace be unto him.
Q: Is it permissible for me to ask my wife to pierce her navel strictly for my pleasure only??
A: Belly piercing is so like 10 minutes ago. It is Haraam, as are trucker hats and etiquette.
Q: What are the positions allowed for intercourse? Can wife sit on top of husband?
A: An Aayat of the noble Qur’aan states, ‘the wife who is on top of
husband is okay, except for a Cleveland steamer.’
Q: I have to make a choice whether I should work with jooooos. Is it allowed or should we decline?
A: If there are other job opportunities besides this one, we suggest you give preference to another job. If not, accuse the jew of stealing office supplies.
Q: I have a bad habit of watching gay pornography. Please help.
A: Pornography is Haraam and strictly prohibited. To be gay is also Haraam. Send me this gay pornography so I may dispose of it properly.
Also, send some Conhusker Lotion.
Q: I look like a famous person in England called David Baddiel (he is a comedian). People call me Dave all the time. It is really annoying & depressing. I don’t understand why Allah would give me this curse.
A: Remind the people around you that you are not a kafir & you are a Muslim faithful to your Deen. Also, cut off the kafir comedian’s head, as this will reduce your confusing resemblance.
Q: I would like to ask that does the size of the penis matter? If so what size should it be? because i am worried.
A: If the penis is small but normal, it does not matter. If the penis is abnormal, for example, cut off, then that matters. It matters to me, anyway.
Q: Is it permissable to read the quran cross legged?
A: Yes. But it is not permissable to read the quran while doing the splits, or while playing Twister.
Q: Is it permissible to read a book or newspaper in the toilet?
A: Why would you be in a toilet? Rather than browsing a book it seems you should be desperately trying to get out. I suppose if the book was “How To Get Out of Toilet,” that might make sense.
Q: Is there a prohibition against whistling?
A: It is not permissible to whistle. If there is a need to call a taxi, you should scream or pound on the taxi top. Better, you should use telephone and call my cousin Hassan at A-1 Permissible Taxi, for fast
dependable taxi service.
Q: Ive read on da mosque board dat one of da sins r da pants below da ankles? from which hadith is this?
A: Somebody pantsed u? LOL, dude u r OWN3D.
Q: During lunch break, I warm up my food in the same microwave that everybody uses. Please let me know if it is alright.
A: It is permissible to share a microwave with non-Muslims, because microwaves are Allah’s natural death rays against kufir cooties. It is not permissible to share a refridgerator with non-believers, because
they are notorious breeding grounds of blasphemous sandwich materials.
Go to Costco, they have good deals on Igloo coolers. Also, do not use George Foreman grill.
Q: Do we have to shave scrotum? What exactly is ‘hind parts’ that we have to shave?
A: One has to shave the scrotum. By hind parts is meant the circle around the anus, as faeces could get attached to any hair present there.
Dingleberries make baby Mohammed cry.
Q: I masturbated a few days ago & my auntie died few days later. Is this my fault?
A: Firstly, masturbation is not permitted in Islam. Second, Allah probably killed your auntie because SHE masturbated, not you.
END
March 18th, 2006 at 7:48 pmWhy are camels called ships of the desert?
March 18th, 2006 at 8:17 pmBecause they are full of Arab semen.
One morning the Gunny in charge of the embassy’s Marines called his sergeant into his office.
“Sergeant, what’s this I’ve been hearing about you running drunk through the British Embassy last night pushing a wheelbarrow?”
“You tell me, Gunny. You were in it.”
March 18th, 2006 at 8:29 pmA study conducted by UCLA’s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a baseball bat jammed up his ass while he’s on fire.
No further studies are expected.
March 18th, 2006 at 10:49 pmOne afternoon, little Susie went into the bathroom and found her half naked mother getting ready to go out. Little Susie says “hey mommy, what are those 2 round things in the middle of your chest?” Her mom replies, “well Susie, those are my breasts.” Little Susie asks, “When will I get some?” Her mom says “Well little Susie, when you get about 13 years old, you’ll grow some, then you’ll have some.” Little Susie says OK and skips off. A little while later she goes into the bathroom again where she finds her Dad taking a shower. Little Susie pulls the shower curtain back and sees her Dad naked. She then asks “Hey Daddy, what’s that between your legs?” Her father says “well Susis, that’s my penis.” So, now curious, Susie asks “when will I have one?” Her Dad replies “here in about 10 minutes when your Mom goes to Bingo.”
March 18th, 2006 at 11:44 pmSo, anyway, this Polish guy , this black guy and an Irishman were at the hospital because their wives were having babies. The doctor comes bursting out of the delivery room and says: “Guys I have some good news, and some bad news.” He continues “Your wives are all fine, the babies are perfect.” “But we have a problem.” We have the wristbands all mixed up.
“So, what we’ll do is push the basinettes up to the window, and you can pick out which baby is yours.”
The Irishman looks thru the window and says: “That baby is mine.”
The doctor says: “You don’t understand, that baby is black”
The Irishman says: “What, you want me to get stuck with a Pollack?”
March 18th, 2006 at 11:45 pmLittle boy shows his neighbor girl his ‘unit’ and says “I have one of these, and you don’t”.
The neighbor girl shows him her ’stuff’ and tells him “But I have one of these, and mommy says with one of these, I can get all of those that I want”
March 19th, 2006 at 12:35 amWhy do they call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
Ducks and runs.
March 19th, 2006 at 4:12 amLC and now Proud IB
Did you hear about the angry schizzophrenic? He was SO upset he was beside himself!
March 19th, 2006 at 6:48 am[…] Misha has a joke about Arabs, some assembly required. Posted by Ian S. in […]
March 19th, 2006 at 10:04 amHey, Juandos:
…truer words were never spoken.
March 19th, 2006 at 10:16 amSunday Funnies…
Happy Birthday to the Skipper! And he’s also got a Sunday Funny for us.
March 19th, 2006 at 10:35 amBen’s Rants and Ravings hosts the Carnival of Comedy
The Skwib has the Carnival of Satire.
Slapstick Politics gives us the State Of Edukashun and Here Today, Gone …
An Irishman, and Englishman, and a Scot are sitting side by side in a bar, and have just received their beers.
Each notices that there is a fly in their glass.
The Irishman flicks his finger into his glass and flips the fly away.
The Englishman asks the bartender for a spoon, and carefully lifts the fly out of his glass.
The Scotsman reaches into his glass, grabs the fly by the wings, and says, “Noo, ye wee bugger, spit it oot!”
March 19th, 2006 at 10:39 amJake,wasnt the little susie joke a Woody Allen favorite? Child molesting isnt humor.
March 19th, 2006 at 2:54 pmWhat’s more digusting than washing your face in the shower only to discover that the soap is covered with pubic hairs?
When you know they’re not yours, because they’re gray, and you’re at Grandma’s house.
March 19th, 2006 at 6:13 pmAn Irishman is in an English pub. At a nearby table 3 English guys decide to see if they can wind up the Irishman.
The first guy walks over and says “Did you know St. Patrick was a pansy?” “Why, no” relpied the Irishman, “Thank ye for the information.” The guy goes back to his table and reports his failure to his buddies.
The second guy walks over and says “Did you know St. Patrick slept with his sister?” “Why, no” relpied the Irishman, “Thank ye for telling me.” The guy goes back to his table and reports he too has failed to get a rise out of the Irishman.
“Leave this to me” says the third guy. He walks over and says “Did you know St. Patrick was an Englishman?” “No, but I think that’s what your friends have been tryin’ to tell me.” replied the Irishman.
March 19th, 2006 at 7:26 pm