Just In Case You Were Wondering…
Posted by: Emperor Misha I in Life in the Empire, Rants and Raves10:58 pm
His Imperial Majesty hates rain, snow and cold weather with a purple passion. This may come as a surprise to those of you who know where I come from, but let me tell you one thing: Those Vikings who stay don’t stay where they are because of the weather.
On the other hand, compared with what he grew up with, one might reasonably suggest that His Imperiousness doesn’t have that much to complain about now that he’s a proud Texan, but His Rottieness never claimed to be reasonable.
And don’t even get started on the “oh, but we need the rain” litany. Move to flippin’ Seattle if you love it that much. As to ourself, we like it hot and dry. We can always buy water from somebody unfortunate enough to live in a place where natural selection means that children are born with swim fins and gills.
Oh, did we mention that it’s been frackin’ raining for days now? Does His Majesty really have to dig out those Ark Building Instructions again? Wait, let us go find our cubit to feet conversion tables. And forget about the two of every animal nonsense. First we have to make sure that the tennis court, jacuzzi and sun deck fits in there, then we can fill up any superfluous space with critters. If they’re tasty.
Not to mention that His Majesty now has yet ANOTHER reason to hate the rain: You see, somehow the weight and suddenness of the downpour managed to cave in the roof of the Imperial Gun Range.
Thankfully, nobody was hurt (which is a miracle in itself considering how many people work and train there), but the range is totalled.
So if you have a few spare prayers, could you please send a few kind words upstairs for the fine and kind people who run the place and work there? They’ll re-open as soon as they can, but it’s going to be a while until the rebuilding is done.
DAMN, but I hate the rain!
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This might work for you:
“Almighty and most merciful Father, we humbly beseech Thee, of Thy great goodness, to restrain these immoderate rains with which we have had to contend. Grant us fair weather for Battle. Graciously hearken to us as soldiers who call upon Thee that, armed with Thy power, we may advance from victory to victory, and crush the oppression and wickedness of our enemies and establish Thy justice among men and nations.”
General George S. Patton
March 19th, 2006 at 11:07 pmNancy, France
December 8, 1944
Majesty,
When you build your ark, could you please bring along a flyswatter, a flea collar, and something to kill ticks?
And speaking of bloodsuckers, could you please shoot any lawyers that come within range of the ark?
Also, if you have the room…
March 19th, 2006 at 11:19 pmCertainly. I already have a fool-proof protocol in place for exactly that.
We simply trip somebody as they’re climbing the loading ramp and then let the inevitable swarms of suit-wearing, briefcase-carrying locusts discover for themselves what the Gatlings on the Ark are really for.
March 19th, 2006 at 11:35 pmI think Mike M has hit upon the perfect prayer. Glad to hear everyone made it out safely from the gun range.
‘Sun Deck’? On an Ark??? You are the eternal optimist, Sire.
Oh, I don’t know; I think you’re the most reasonable ‘His Rottieness’ around! Of course, you are the ONLY….um, I’ll just leave it at that.
March 19th, 2006 at 11:42 pmlol! I hate to break it to ya Misha, but today was sunny and 70 degrees.
We like to tell people it rains a lot up here mainly to keep those Californians down there where they belong. Quiet as it is kept, Arizona actually gets more rain than we do. We just spread it out over a longer period of time, that’s all. That is how we get to see things like this:
Don’t feel bad, Misha, your rain is our foot of snow by Tuesday morning.
Although, I’ll take snow over rain.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:00 amWhy do I get the sudden urge to break both your legs, Dave? Politely, of course
March 20th, 2006 at 12:08 amRelax Sire, G-d is just flushing his toliet…
March 20th, 2006 at 12:12 amWell if you think that I’m going to sit around cooped up inside while I wait for the waters to fall, you’ve got a second think coming, Milady.
Hmmm… Must remember to bring lots of Tequila.
Besides, I intend to bring serfs to hold umbrellas over my head and some of those funny tanning bed lamps for when it’s raining. On the off-chance that the L-rd doesn’t maintain a hole in the cloud cover for His favorite Emperor, that is.
No way am I going to make landfall with a lousy tan.
Yes, nobody were hurt at the range, thank G-d, except for one unlucky dude who suffered some cuts and bruises in the parking lot when a ton of bricks, literally, landed on his truck.
March 20th, 2006 at 12:16 amTHAT’S why!!! *slaps self upside the head - ‘politely, of course’ :-)*
March 20th, 2006 at 1:05 amWhat WAS I thinking??? It’s clear why you are The Emperor, and the rest of us are…not. (Wouldn’t have it any other way, either)
Emperor, I’ve been out in that Dallas Monsoon all night. My back’s wetter than our invadin’ friends from Meh-hico! By the way, I just found this site and I’d like to tell you IT RULES! You’re my hero.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:37 amYeah! Here’s how it works - it rains in the a.m., just long enough to water the lawn so you don’t have to, then it clears off in the afternoon… Today, we mowed the lawn (could have had a barbecue, but didn’t - should have). I wouldn’t really want to live right in flippin’ Seattle, but a few miles north it’s not so bad …(gloat, gloat, gloat…)
March 20th, 2006 at 2:02 amIn the meantime, Sire -
Bullet Trap
2608 Ave. K
Plano, TX 75074
Just a bit north of Park Ave. Good range, good people. Been there a couple times now.
Five stars. Joe Bob says check’m out.
March 20th, 2006 at 6:29 amWere you going to make me comfortable first?
March 20th, 2006 at 9:12 amOf course. What do you think I am? Some kind of animal?
March 20th, 2006 at 9:32 amYou could have gone outside without a coat all weekend up here. I did.
March 20th, 2006 at 10:19 amAre you sure you wanna rub it in like that, DK? Knowing that His Imperial Aggravatedness is likely going to be in Austin next month?
That is to say, within reach of your neck???
March 20th, 2006 at 10:33 amIt wasn’t that great of a shooting range and we really did need the rain.
March 20th, 2006 at 11:00 amFox News just did a report on the damage in Dallas from the storm. They mentioned the collapse of the gun store’s roof in Highland Park.
March 20th, 2006 at 6:06 pmUh, no. There are enough people clogging the roads here, we don’t need more, and double what DJ ALLYN said.
March 21st, 2006 at 2:22 pm