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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » A Brilliant Proposal To Deal With Car Theft.

His Majesty thinks that it’s about time that Congress adopts a responsible, reasonable and realistic approach to the scourge of vehicular theft or, as we prefer to call it, undocumented possession of an automobile.

For too long, we’ve ignored this problem, creating criminals out of hard-working car thieves undocumented drivers and with very little to show for it. Indeed, for the last decade or so, about 1,200,000 undocumented drivers have been reported every year with absolutely no signs of the number going down.

That’s 12,000,000 undocumented drivers over a period of 10 years!

Obviously, there is no realistic way that our prison systems can accommodate 12,000,000 undocumented drivers, as some extremist pedestrophobes have suggested. And, of course, that would mean that we’d have to catch them all in the first place, which I think that it’s pretty obvious that we can’t.

Besides, as a nation of highly mobile people living in a vast area where transportation is vitally important, it goes completely against the values upon which we founded this society of ours to adopt such draconian measures against undocumented drivers who, let’s face it, just want a piece of the American Dream, feeling the wind in their hair as they race down the Interstate.

Where would this nation be were it not for enterprising, free-roaming spirits contributing to the economy by going from place to place, gathering their paycheck at work and then spending it at the local grocery store? How can we, as a nation, possibly defend criminalizing those wonderful proponents of the American Way whose only “crime” is disregarding the property rights of the car owner?

So I propose that Congress, sooner rather than later, gather to decriminalize undocumented possession of an automobile. Under my program, undocumented drivers will be allowed to drive unattended automobiles that nobody wants to drive at the moment anyway and, after a three year period of driving responsibly, will be given the title to the vehicle in question.

Irresponsible, extremist, hateful and plainly un-American critics have suggested that this is unfair to those who’ve worked hard to gain documented possession of an automobile or even that such a program will discourage purchase of cars and encourage undocumented driving. To them I say… Well, I’m going to say something, as soon as I can come up with a brilliant retort. Rest assured, however, that it’ll include the words “racist”, “elitist”, “snob”, “pedestrophobe”, “totalitarian” and “doo-doo head”, not necessarily in that order.

Furthermore, we must immediately abandon the vigilante “Neighborhood Watches” who’ve created unnecessary tension and friction by constantly getting in the face of prospective undocumented drivers. Also, vehicles must be left unlocked with the keys in the ignition at all times, lest an undocumented driver cuts himself while gaining entry through a broken window. Not to mention the obvious health hazard, should this force him to drive in his undocumented car during inclement weather conditions.

With this visionary program, I foresee that car theft will become a thing of the past in short order.

Next, we’ll deal with the 100,000 reported cases of forcible rape every year or, as we like to call it, “undocumented marital bliss.”

You can thank me later.

UPDATE: LC & IB Rightwingduck has taken on the curse of bank robbers or, as they’re called by more progressive and reasonable human beings, “undocumented withdrawers.” Soon this nation will be completely crime FREE! He even beat us to it, it turns out, proving that Great Minds Really DO Think Alike, because we swear that we hadn’t seen it until just now.

38 Responses to “A Brilliant Proposal To Deal With Car Theft.”
  1. Unregistered Comment by mt UNITED STATES

    First, and there goes another keyboard. Well said sir.

  2. LC Scott Comment by LC Scott UNITED STATES

    Well its a good thing that I have gotten into the habit of putting down my beer befor reading anything around here.
    Damm, thats one funny post. :lol:

    The shame is what prompted it.

  3. Unregistered Comment by Cythen UNITED STATES

    Odd how most of these undocumented car owner’s names end in z…

  4. B.C., Imperial Torturer™ Comment by B.C., Imperial Torturer™ UNITED STATES

    A most prescient & apropos proposal, Mein Imperator.

    Odd how most of these undocumented car owner’s names end in z…

    Or have “-twon“, “-quon“, “-shad” or some other recently invented variant as an ending to their first name…

  5. Beth* A. Comment by Beth* A.

    Oh, My. *applause*
    Sire, ‘brilliant’ scarcely touches it.

    You can thank me later.

    Perhaps not as ‘modest’, then, as some proposals of a similar nature, but every bit as wickedly inventive. Besides, resurrection of a classic is ALWAYS a good thing.
    I wonder if there’s a contest going for ‘the J. Swift of the blogosphere’? Although it might need a somewhat darker element…hmmm…

  6. Beth* A. Comment by Beth* A.

    Next, we’ll deal with the 100,000 reported cases of forcible rape every year or, as we like to call it, “undocumented marital bliss.”

    BINGO.

  7. maxxdog Comment by maxxdog UNITED STATES

    Does this work the other way? Could we have
    “Undocumented Pedophile Eradication Technicians”?
    If you have “undocumented marital bliss” shouldn’t there be “Undocumented Marriage Counselors” who would be armed with the tools of a modern society to assist these undocumented husbands?

  8. LC Woody Comment by LC Woody UNITED STATES

    Nicely done. I’m linking to this!

  9. Unregistered Comment by docjim505

    OUCH!

    Next, we’ll deal with the 100,000 reported cases of forcible rape every year or, as we like to call it, “undocumented marital bliss.”

    DOUBLE OUCH!

    I love how the media is (predictably) spinning this: it’s all about making it illegal to help undocumented workers because people are racists and fear that there just “isn’t enough prosperity to go around” (as a C-BS radio report had it yesterday).

  10. Unregistered Trackback by Woody's News

    We Must Not Ignore Lawbreakers…

    I haven’t posted much on the immigration reform brouhaha, but not because it hasn’t been on my mind. Too many other bloggers are doing a great job on this for me to bother with whatever meager contribution I could muster….

  11. Unregistered Comment by tweell

    Wowsers. Evilly done, Sire.

  12. Unregistered Pingback by Rantings of a Sandmonkey » What? You want to make illegals illegal?

    […] You know, I am not american, nor do I like your immigration policies at all. However, when it comes to this crap, I find myself in agreement with Misha and IMAO. Permalink • Trackback URL […]

  13. Cheapshot911 Comment by Cheapshot911 UNITED STATES

    Sounds cool, long overdue.
    I’ll be getting my undocumented driver-license from the pocket of some of my undocumented pants (worn by some racist documented type) to drive with. If the documented owners of either the pant’s or the car give me grief, it will only be proof of their racism.

    /Linear logic>

  14. Unregistered Pingback by Cigar Intelligence Agency » Blog Archive » Tuesday Links UNITED STATES

    […] There’s a practical solution to the problem of car thieves undocumented drivers, says Misha!  Hilarious post. […]

  15. LC & IB GuyS Comment by LC & IB GuyS UNITED STATES

    This made my day! You have distilled the essance of this issue, and produced a bold and biting vintage of your own.

  16. Emperor Darth Misha I Comment by Emperor Darth Misha I UNITED STATES

    Thank you, thank you, thank you ver’much. I’ll be here all week, do try the veal :-)

    And thanks for the Swift comparison, dear Beth. I must respectfully decline the honor, however, since I am not worthy to lick the soles of that gentleman’s boots.

    Yes, the headline was obviously inspired by that great man, but that’s about as far as the comparison goes. I do thank you for the compliment, though, much as I have to insist that you’re being far, FAR too kind.

    Anyway, I’m glad y’all enjoyed it and I hope that I’ve managed to capture the idiocy of illiberals, “immigration” advocates and RINOs alike.

    Next, we’ll solve the problem of murder (or undocumented execution), arson (undocumented urban renewal), kidnapping (undocumented hitchhiking), tax evasion (undocumented refund optimization) and many, many more.

    What is absolutely clear is that if we don’t tackle those issues at some point, eventually undocumented law enforcement officers (vigilantes) will start making undocumented arrests, undocumented judges (lynch mobs) will pass sentence and undocumented executioners will string the perpetrators up from undocumented gallows.

  17. Unregistered Comment by Poetsluck UNITED STATES

    Spendid!!!! I’ll thank you now. That’s absolutely brilliant. Thank you! Great post and parallel.

  18. Unregistered Comment by Cheryl

    Excellent satire, Misha. Chardonney is painful when inhaled in the sinuses. Please to provide a spew alert next time!

    The same nearly happened yesterday as I was listening to the radio and I heard some idiot who’s being paid to represent us state that illegal aliens — oopsie — I mean undocumented workers are the backbone of this country. Huh? And silly racist me thinking it was the American taxpayer.

  19. Alan K. Henderson Comment by Alan K. Henderson UNITED STATES

    Duly blogged.

    Today’s trivia: “undocumented immigrants” gets 4,280,000 Google search results.

  20. Unregistered Comment by LC-Lady-Vandea UNITED STATES

    I will say working for an insurance company, the majority of the auto claims we get are from uninsured illegal immigrants who don’t carry insurance on the vehicles they use.They do not have any consequences they just go back to Mexico (the norm) and the they never have to pay back the damage they caused because they are not insured.It is a problem with securing our borders.The only thing that I can say that at least LA has the no pay no play law..so,if they are not insured they don’t get shit.

  21. Unregistered Comment by Marvin UNITED STATES

    They are not uninsured. They have undocumented insurance from an undocumented ’southern’ (very southern) insurance company.

  22. LC HJ Caveman82952 Comment by LC HJ Caveman82952 UNITED STATES

    They had a way of dealing with horse thieves once…..’tis my understanding there was no recidivism….

  23. Unregistered Comment by RightWingDuck UNITED STATES

    Hey, you stole my bit!!!

    Just kidding. Good piece of writing.

    The joke was obvious: I can’t believe more bloggers didn’t pick up on it.

    “Lawbreakers demand repeal of law!”

  24. Emperor Darth Misha I Comment by Emperor Darth Misha I UNITED STATES

    Just kidding. Good piece of writing.

    The joke was obvious: I can’t believe more bloggers didn’t pick up on it.

    Thank you, and you too, I might add!

    Laughed my butt off. :-)

  25. LCkschlenker Comment by LCkschlenker UNITED STATES

    What’s scary is some of the “undocumented” claim to vote…

  26. Rurik Comment by Rurik

    Your Puissant Majesty,
    May I beg to urge that until you address the issue of undocumented marital bliss, you take good care to use no profiling in pursuit of alleged offenders. That is, your officials should investigate strong young men, old men, and women in equal numbers.

  27. Unregistered Trackback by Small Town Veteran

    Muy Caliente…

    Dafydd ab Hugh has three excellent posts on the issue of the day here, here and here. Read them in that order and, as always with Dafydd’s posts, read the associated comments. I have a nephew looking over my…

  28. Cheapshot911 Comment by Cheapshot911 UNITED STATES

    From LCKschlender’s link..

    Louis DeSipio, a political science professor at the University of California at Irvine told AFP.
    “It’s fear, anger and frustration motivating this,” he said of the 32.4-million-strong US Latino community who make up more than 12 percent of the US population.

    Well then,,we could add greed and avarice to that as long as it’s not reason, respect of property / person’s or law, or even wisdom that leads them to this,,er, plan. Better to legislate out of emotions in the best moonbat tradition.

    The notion that they care this much about any law in the first place is encouraging though.

    The debate about who needs work and such is only a distraction anyhoo. Too many have NO intentions of assimilation, rather to re-reconquer.
    Voting ?
    Others are voting too!

    Mecha’s notion of regaining aztlan aint no secret
    , so why not just fly mexi-flags in the faces of the very folks they petition! Oop,, they’z doin’ just that again today!
    The mojano’s leave roadsigns like this for the others to follow, and it doesn’t say USA this way!

  29. Princess Natasha Comment by Princess Natasha UNITED STATES

    You know, I really have no problem with people coming here and working. I don’t blame them at all. My problem is with assholes coming here and forming gangs, getting on welfare, stealig, robbing, raping, and so forth. One effective way to deal with the influx of assholes would be to completely eradicate welfare and other “safety hammocks”, as well as deal with robbers, gangbangers and rapists the hard way, not the “oooh, that poor oppressed minority just needs our heeelp” way. Also, it must be made known that English is the language spoken here. Multilingual signs have their place (in airports and vacation spots), but if you intend to make this country your home you better learn to speak the language. If not, then face the consequences at your own peril and don’t whine about it.

  30. Unregistered Trackback by Unabashedly Unhyphenated UNITED STATES

    Irony Defined in LA (Fun With Photoshop)…

    In my continuing quest to find some humor in this, I found that Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler is of like mind….

  31. Cheapshot911 Comment by Cheapshot911 UNITED STATES

    This thread is entirely too quiet. Too easily fisked. Not much challenge. Gotta liven it up a bit, get some perspective.
    Let’s hear what they really want right from their own boca’s.
    Um,,watch your volume, it’s loud.

  32. sig94 Comment by sig94 UNITED STATES

    From my post

    A 2000 report from the Inspectorate of Constabulary charges Britain’s 43 police departments with systemic under-classification of crime – for example, by recording burglary as “vandalism.”

    American homicide rates are based on initial data, but British homicide rates are based on the final disposition.” Suppose that three men kill a woman during an argument outside a bar. They are arrested for murder, but because of problems with identification (the main witness is dead), charges are eventually dropped. In American crime statistics, the event counts as a three-person homicide, but in British statistics it counts as nothing at all. “With such differences in reporting criteria, comparisons of U.S. homicide rates with British homicide rates is a sham,” the report concludes.

    What a concept! Give Misha the credit at AIR… this is merely an “Undocumented DOA!”

    Case closed, let’s say we hit the pub for a pint, no?

    (I couldn’t get the trackback to work Misha….)

  33. Emperor Darth Misha I Comment by Emperor Darth Misha I UNITED STATES

    Actually, that’s one of the great tragedies and perversions of justice in EUnuchistan: The illegality of “collective punishment.”

    And it’s not only Britain that is so afflicted. My native roaming grounds are the same way.

    If you are a member of a group committing a crime and there are no eyewitnesses or other evidence to pin it exactly on the actual perpetrator among you, all you have to do is to keep your mouth shut in custody and you’ll all go free, since to punish all of you for something that one of you did would be against the law.

    No “either one or more of you owns up to it or you all go to jail” over there.

    That’s why gangs are so popular over there. Another favorite tactic of the muslim gangs is to include at least one minor. That way, if the gang is caught, the minor will take the fall for the rest of them and, since he’s a minor, he can’t be punished.

    (And I’m sorry about the trackback. That’s the one thing I’m not too thrilled about with WordPress. It’s awfully discriminatory and hard to work with when it comes to trackbacks from non-WP websites).

  34. sig94 Comment by sig94 UNITED STATES

    The use of minors is a real problem here also. Gangbangers use minors to sell drugs and carry their handguns, as young as 8 yrs. old. And as you said, if they’re caught, nothing happens. We’ve had the mothers in on it too. How many 13 yr olds you know that carry four grand in cash? Of course momma says that he was holding it for her.

    It is so troubling that official record keeping has been perverted to satisfy political expediency and thus corrupt public policy. Of course that couldn’t happen here with, say, undocumented non-citizens and international exigent entry privileges? After all, Taco Bell IS hiring.

  35. HD Wanderer Comment by HD Wanderer

    Brilliant. You might want to address Undocumented Tenants next. Their rights are being trampled on constantly. They are arrested and or accosted every day all over the country just because the owner of the house had the audacity to come home at an inopportune time. That’s not even considering the problems they have with dogs…

  36. Unregistered Pingback by gandalf23 » a modest proposal UNITED STATES

    […] A Brilliant Proposal To Deal With Car Theft. […]

  37. Unregistered Trackback by High Desert Wanderer UNITED STATES

    Undocumented……

    Misha had a great idea about addressing the problem of undocumented drivers the other day. It got me to thinking, he might want to address Undocumented Tenants next. Their rights are being trampled on constantly. They are arrested and or accosted ever…

  38. Unregistered Trackback by Mobile Phones UNITED STATES

    Mobile Phones…

    Mobile Phones…