Imperial Mail FAQ
I just realized that I didn’t have one and I’m shocked, SHOCKED, that we’ve managed to get by for so long without it, so here it is.
Everything you never wanted to know about Official Imperial Policy on Email Submissions:
Q: What kind of mail can I send you, O Emperor?
A: Anything you damn well please, and cut out the ‘O Emperor’ bit or this damn FAQ will get too damn long.
A: Well, yes. With the exception of chain letters, Ponzi schemes (I’m already Master of the Universe, so I don’t NEED your stupid schemes), offers of penis enlargement, breast enlargement, free passwords to XXX sites etc. In other words, anything that qualifies as “spam”.
Q: What if I do so anyways?
A: You’ll find that my spamfilters are quite effective. If you persist you might also find out that the Imperial List of Stupid Mailing Lists Just Waiting For New Members™ is QUITE extensive, if you get my drift.
Q: I’d like to send you something, but I don’t want my identity published.
A: I don’t publish anything except for first names, to give credit where credit’s due, and only so if not told NOT to. If you don’t want even your first name published, please tell me so or provide me with a “handle” I can use instead. If you found it, you deserve a hat tip.
Q: Even if it’s hatemail?
A: Absolutely. If it’s threatening in a credible fashion, however, I WILL take appropriate steps to protect myself and my family. “If somebody says he’ll kill you, the safest thing to do is to assume that he means it”.
Q: That’s too vague, you scheming bastard. You’ll just claim that you found my brilliant insults “threatening.”
A: No. If you wish to insult me, go right ahead. They’re just words on a screen and won’t impact on my real life, so why on Earth would I want to mess with yours? Besides, if your insults really are brilliant, the worst thing that will happen to you is that I’ll try to come up with some of my own. OK, I might steal yours as well. Once again, I take your privacy VERY seriously and won’t compromise it unless you’re threatening, seriously, to commit a crime. Pissing on somebody’s parade and/or calling them the worst names in the book isn’t a crime. If it’s done well, it’s actually pretty impressive, if you ask me.
Q: Not even my email address?
A: ESPECIALLY not your email address. Not your IP either. Nor will I contact your employer or any such other nonsense. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
Q: I don’t believe you. I think you’ll share my email address with Ashcroft’s Elite Dissent Squashing Brigades™.
A: Go play with your tinfoil somewhere else, little one.
Q: What about property rights?
A: If you send it to me, It’ll mean that you have given me full rights to publish it, unless SPECIFICALLY AND CLEARLY stated otherwise ([NOT FOR PUBLICATION] or something like it will do nicely). If you have something you want me to know but don’t want published, just tell me and it’ll stay between the two of us. You have my word of honor. Yes, I do have one, and I take it very seriously.
Q: I wrote to you and you haven’t answered. What’s up with that?
A: First, it may be that I haven’t gotten to it yet. I value and appreciate everything you write to me and endeavor to answer every single mail. However, sometimes a mail might “slip through the cracks”. If that happens, I apologize and ask you to please mail me again, reminding me of the fact.