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Archive for the “The Perfect Football Weekend™” Category

This week’s edition of the Perfect Football Weekend is going to start…by not talking about football.

KORRIOTH: (spew!!!!)

OZY MCCOOL: WTF…?!?!

MERLIN: Okay, who are you and what have you done with His Rudeness™?

LSIK&T: Would you guys relax? We’re gonna get to the football. But first, there’s this video I want you guys to check out:

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 4 Comments »

Well, if it’s not time to jump on the bandwagon, it’s definitely time to start pushing.

Arlington Heights 26, at Kennedale 51
at Texas Christian 24, Colorado State 12
UBuffalo 14, Ball State 49 (Buffalo fails to cover)
#3 Oklahoma 24, at Buffalo Chip U Colorado 27
#2 LSU 34, at Tulane 9
at Dallas 35, St. Louis 7

As expected, Kennedale trounced Arlington Heights, scoring 35 straight points during the first & second quarters to put the game out of reach.

Ball State put the game away in the first quarter, then used the rest of the game to beat the SpatulaSpread™. UBuff scored one touchdown each in the third & fourth quarters after State had quit trying.

LSU sleepwalked through the entire first half vs. Tulane - at one point, the Green Wave even led the #2 (now #1, ThankYouVeryMuch™) team in the nation, 10-9.

But Charles Scott scored a pair of touchdown in the second half, and Jacob Hester added one as the Tigers pulled away.

What is it with Colorado State? Every year they have an extremely big, extremely talented (to this scribe, anyway) team - and every year they play Texas Christian’s Horned Froggies and lay a ginormous egg.

The Rams’ offense pushed the Frogs around nearly at will on the first couple of drives, yet had only a 47-yard field goal to show for it. But the longer the game went, the more the Frogs seemed to wear down the Rams.

Freshman QB Andy Dalton injured his knee during TCU’s first drive and was replaced for the rest of the game by backup Marcus Jackson, who rushed on keepers for 38 yards and two touchdowns and passed to tight end Shae Reagan for another. Aaron Brown added 124 yards on 22 carries.

Bob Stoopes was the first to admit that OU had a bad all-around effort Saturday.

“They outplayed us and outcoached us,” Stoops said. “They fought their way to a heck of a win.”

Up 24-7 a third of a way through the third quarter, the Sooners gave up 20 straight points to an inferior team.

Yeah, I said inferior team - this is the same bunch that barely beat the aforementioned Colorado State Rams by 3 in overtime, then promptly went out and got its asses whipped by national powerhouse (*cough*) Arizona State. These guys ain’t exactly UFlorida.

Still, Oklahoma still had a chance to put the game away with a field goal of their own, but replay overruled a Sam Bradford-to-Malcolm Kelly reception on OU’s last drive. (And if I’m OU, I’m getting damned sick-and-tired of the fucking college instant-replay system. It doesn’t matter if the Sooners are in the right or wrong on these calls - they always seem to get screwed by replay, and if David Boren had any balls to speak of, he’d be screaming at the NCAA right now to do something about it.)

Memo to Mack Brown: Yeah, I know your TU Shortd…uh, Shorthorns got torched in Austin the other day. Bee Effin’ Dee™ - you’ve had it coming now for a while; you’re just lucky the Frogs don’t have an offense this year. OU’s gonna be out for fuckin’ blood Saturday, and your chain gang football team just happens to be in the way.

This could be a magical year for the Cowboys.

Rottie commenter JanetMae makes a good point - Dallas hasn’t really played a team of substance yet, although the Ram & Bear defenses are nothing at which one should sneeze - and, as of last night, neither is the defense of the New York Football Giants.

(Aside to leoni2: Think it may be time to return to the florescent yellow-and-blues? )

Case in point: First-half two-minute drill, Dallas third-and-three at midfield. You’ve seen the play by now - Andre Gurode launches the shotgun snap over Romo’s head at near-warp speed towards the ‘Boys goal. Romo gives chase, catches up to the ball - and kicks it further. Finally picking it up and curling to his right, he eludes two would-be tacklers (one with a nifty sidestep) and comes up the left sideline to the St. Louis 46 yardline. Four yard gain, first down. Dallas scores five plays later and never looks back.

Parcells might’ve yanked Romo for that last year and gone back to Drew “The Statue” Bledsoe, and allowed the Cowboys to lose the game. But for the growing legend that is Tony Romo, it’s just another day at the office.

Patrick Crayton had a career day yesterday, catching 7 passes for 184 yards and two touchdowns. Julius Jones & Marion Barber combined for 102 yards on 21 carries, Jason Witten caught 6 balls for 71 yards, and Romo was 21 of 33 for 339.

Ram quarterback Marc Bulger, playing with two broken ribs, was no match for the Dallas defense, getting picked once, sacked three times and going only 11-for-14 for 114 yards. He gave way to Gus Frerotte in the fourth quarter, after the game had been decided.

The ‘Boys will be severely tested in a couple of weeks when Bill Belicheat Belichick & the New England Pansies Peepingtoms Patriots come to town - but for now, it’s sweet to see the Cowboys taking care of business the way they need to be doing.

This week: 3-3. Overall: 22-6.

The PFW returns Friday with the question: In the Red River Shootout, will t.u. be wearing burnt orange, or prison orange???

Comments 15 Comments »

(UPDATE:  Those of you who think for one second like you’re doing me any great psychological harm by only giving my PFW posts one ratings star - bite me. As long as the Emperor allows me posting privileges here, and as long as there’s football to be talked about, the PFW posts are going to be here, and there’s not a damned thing you can do about it.

That is all. -S.)

Today’s edition of the Perfect Football Weekend™ starts with a commentary on a commentary.

By now, you’ve heard about the Mike Gundy brouhaha. The Oklahoma State football coach went a little rantblog on the media (the tirade is here if you haven’t seen it) after their stunning surprising not-terribly unexpected upset of Texas Tech.

(SIDE NOTE: No, really, it wasn’t that unexpected. If SMU can put up 21 on ‘em…)

Anyway, the question has been raised this week about whether college f’ball players should be held up to the same level of criticism as the pros. Certainly I dumped my share of abuse on Cowboys cornerback Quincy Butler when he was with TCU (and trust me, I didn’t call him “Toast” for nothing).

On the one hand, you think that if they can’t handle the criticism, why are they even out there in the first place. On the other, they are just collegians, and they’re supposed to be there to receive an education; playing football, even if on scholarship, is supposed to be secondary.

(Slight pause while the overwhelming majority of you recover from the ROFL jag. Sorry there was no spew alert.)

So how much criticism deserves to go to the player? Then again, how much criticism should be giddily heaped on the media? (Boy, do I give you guys raw meat or what?)

Discuss. (For my part, I dunno. I’m of the “if college f’ball players’ psyches are that damned fragile, why the Hell™ are they out there in the first place?” mindset.)

Let’s get on with the PFW. My (Fort Worth) Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets are back in action this week against the Kennedale Wildcats in Kennedale. Last week, the ‘Cats destroyed Azle, a team Heights just barely handled, by a score of 52-24. I’m going to go out on a limb (*cough*) and predict a Kennedale victory.

Saturday, Turner Gill’s UBuffalo Bulls travel to Ball State to play…uh, what is the mascot of Ball State anyway?

The Vegas line is BS by 16½…

CADET BEAVIS:  Hehheh, heh, hehheh, he said “BS”.

CADET BUTTHEAD:  Huh, huh, huhhuh, huh, huhhuh.

LSIK&T:  Shut up, you two.

…so as long as the Bulls can avoid losing by 31 or more, we’ll count it.

Saturday morning, second-ranked LSU has the Tulane Green Wave for breakfast. The line is 40, and it might get there unless Ryan Perrilloux plays, which will indicate that Les Miles is becoming an old softie.

Saturday afternoon, third-ranked Oklahoma takes their act on the road to Boulder to play Colorado. The Buffaloes are usually fairly tough at home, so the OU-minus-23 line might look a little misleading here. And if Bob Stoops decides to rest his starters for TU after the third quarter of this one, maybe it will be.

Saturday evening will find His Rudeness™ gnawing away at his fingernails in Ft. Worth as the Texas Christian University Horned Frogs are at home against the Colorado State Rams. CSU always brings a very physical team to Ft Worth, and usually the Frogs have been able to handle it. Then again, the Frogs usually had experience on offense and Tommy Blake on defense to counter whatever the Rams did. Neither one will be there this year (Blake’s out again on this mysterious “medical leave” thing), so this game is very much in doubt.

Sunday finds the Dallas Cowboys hosting Rams of another sort (the ones from St. Louis) at Texas Stadium.

Now, the ‘Boys are 3-0 and the Rams are 0-3, so this looks like a slam-dunk. But back on January 1, 2006, the Rams, who were already long out of it by then, came into Irving to play a Dallas team which still - mathematically, at least - had something for which to play, and the Rams promptly handed Dallas its ass on a platter (I had a mini-rant about it here). So before I jump on the Silver-and-Blue bandwagon, I wanna see an ass-whipping of the boys in gold and blue.

We’re back Monday for the recap. For now, I’ll entertain a general dogpile on Notre Dame…

Comments 14 Comments »

So help me Cthulu, the same damned crew worked the Frog & Cowboy games this weekend.

at TCU 21, SMU 7
#3 Oklahoma 62, at Tulsa 21
at UBuffalo 21, Baylor 34 (UBuffalo covers)
at #2 LSU 24, #12 S. Carolina 16
Dallas 34, at Chicago 10

Baylor finally found someone they could beat besides Rice. Drew Willy threw three picks, and Blake Szymanski threw three TDs as the Bears held off a furious Bull charge.

OU didn’t play one of its better game, especially on defense; in fact; there were times in the first quarter that Tulsa positively dominated. Talent won out, though, and the Hurricanes wilted under the overwhelming Sooner pressure.

Allan Patrick scored two touchdowns, DeMarco Murray added three and Sam Bradford threw a couple of bombs to Juaquin Iglesias.

And yet another memo to Mack Brown:

The Sooners (4-0) have put up at least 50 points in all four games. That’s only the second time in school history they’ve had such a streak — they also did it in 2003, capped by a 65-13 romp over Texas.

These guys are slightly better than Rice.

Steve Superior Spurrier’s squad gave Bo Pelini’s defense more trouble than anyone else so far this year, thanks to occasional trickery, but Matt Flynn and kicker Colt David pulled a bit of a surprise of their own with David catching a Flynn flip off a fake field goal attempt (try saying that five times fast) late in the first half to power the Tigers over the Gamecocks.

The Frog offense got a TD, the defense got a TD off a pick-six, and the kicking game even got in on the act, scoring one themselves off a blocked punt.

They tried to trick up the game and call it the “DFW duel: The Battle for the Iron Skillet”. (Why do they always have to try and trick something up like that? Why not just call it “TCU-SMU” and be done with it?)

Anyway, here’s the game in a nutshell: TCU sucked. SMU sucked. The refs really sucked. But they were sucking more in the Mustangs’ favor, and for once, the Good Guys™ survived an eleven-on eighteen beatdown.

Cases in point: In the 2nd quarter, SMU driving, the Frogs were called for a 15-yard pass interference penalty. Just a slight problem - the pass was not only uncatchable, the Frog defensive back turned to look for the ball during the coverage. Presumably, the DB has as much right to the ball as the receiver. Not to this crew, though.

In the 4th quarter, TCU intercepted a Justin Willis pass, only to see it nullified by a roughing the passer penalty. Only thing was, Willis wasn’t roughed.

Backup quarterback Marcus Jackson relieved a woefully ineffective Andy Dalton and guided the Froggies to their only offensive TD of the night. Starting tailback Aaron Brown returned to the lineup and added 92 yards on eleven carries.

And then this half-assed excuse-for-an-officiating-crew must have boarded a United flight and high-tailed it to Soldier Field for last night’s soirée.

In the second quarter, Romo completed a 14-yard pass to Julius Jones, who received a nice block from tight end James Witten on the play. Witten, however, was called for a block in the back, negating the play. Just one minor detail - Witten never even touched the guy’s back. Replays showed that he came in from the defender’s side to deliver the block.

Then at the end of the half, Chicago had the ball at midfield with about seven seconds left. Grossman went back to pass on fourth down, and was sacked by DeMarcus Ware with three seconds left. The ref, inexplicably, wound the clock instead of stopping it, ending the half. Nor did the replay official intervene to correct the blunder.

(UPDATE:  It doesn’t necessarily mean anything, until I tell you that at the spot where Grossman was sacked, Dallas would’ve had a shot at a 54-yard field goal.

Fortunately, it didn’t affect the outcome of the game. Then again, maybe we should all be accustomed to Chicago officials trying to manipulate outcomes…)

In the third quater, the Bears scored their only touchdown with a huge assist from our favorite crybaby/whipping boy, Widdle Woy Willie, when his POS tackling gave tight end Desmond Clark 20 extra yards on a 52-yard pass play; Chicago would score two plays later.

Fortunately for Dallas, Rex Grossman was…well…Rex Grossman. “Wrecks” threw three picks in all, one returned for a TD by Anthony Henry.

Romo was 22 of 35 for 329, and Marion Barber III had 102 yards on 15 carries. Demarcus Ware had two sacks on Grossman, helping to contribute to his sorry night. Look for a change at QB this week out of the Windy City.

This week: 5-0 (Perfect Football Weekend™ achieved (2)). Overall: 19-3.

The PFW will return on Friday to ponder the age-old question, “What in Cthulu’s unholy name were the Beagles thinking with those uniforms?”

Comments 18 Comments »

This week’s edition of the Perfect Football Weekend launches starts off begins

MERLIN:  Go ahead. Say it.

KORRIOTH:  You know you want to.

LSIK&T:  NO!!!…must…resist…

KORRIOTH:  Surrender to the Dark Side™, m’Liege.

OZY MCCOOL:  Give in to your hate!

KORRIOTH:  That was actually pretty good, Lieutenant.

OZY MCCOOL:  Thank you, Captain.

LSIK&T:  OH, ALL RIGHT!!!!!

…kicks off…

ALLCORRRRRRRRRR-NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

(See what I’m up against? )

…with this blurb from the SpatulaGoddess (aka Beff, the Imperial Serving Wench™) concerning The Team With The Highest Payroll In College Football Today™. Here are some of the better ones:

1. What do you call a drug ring in Austin ?
A huddle.

2. Four UT Longhorns in a car, who’s driving?
The police.

3. The UT Longhorns have adopted a new “Honor System”. Yes your Honor,
No your Honor.

11. Why couldn’t the Longhorn get into a huddle on the football field?
It’s a parole violation to associate with known felons.

14. Book ‘em, Horns!

Okay. Earlier this week, I guranteed that my (Fort Worth) Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets would not lose this week. Of course, it might have something to do with the fact that they don’t play.

Taking their place in the Friday night lineup are the third-ranked Oklahoma Sooners, who will toy with the Tulsa Hurricanes like a cat plays with its mouse before killing and eating it. The line’s 23½, and that’s being generous.

Tomorrow at 3:00, it’s the Wall Street Bowl as Turner Gill’s UBuffalo Bulls host the Baylor Bears.  This is one game UBeefalo might actually win, given the sorry state of Baylor football (Vegas has the line at Baylor minus three), so although I’m tempted to suspend the “line plus 14″ rule, discretion will once again be the better part of valor here.

Memo to the Baylor faithful, however: If the Bulls do win this game, start saying goodbye to Guy Morriss.

Also Saturday, 2nd-ranked LSU faces its toughest test of the season at home vs. Steve Superior’s Spurrier’s (UPDATE:  12th-ranked (thanks, HDD)) South Carolina Gamecocks. The line is LSU by 18½, but this may be the best offense the Tigers face all year, so I’m not sure it won’t be just a touchdown difference.

Finally tomorrow comes the game I’ve been waiting for now for two years - Texas Christian hosts the Shitland Ponies from SMUT. Both teams are 1-2, and had Gary Patterson not been picking his nose his gee-tar on his weekly radio show the last two weeks, the Frogs might well be 3-0 and hot in pursuit of a BCS bowl.

As it is, they’re a 23-point favorite at home - and Patterson, if this isn’t the fucking Mother Of All Squashes™ for 21-9 two years ago, I won’t stop calling for your head on a silver platter until AD Danielle Danny Morrison fires your ass.

Sunday night, we are once again graced with Michaels’ and Madden’s presence as the Dallas Cowboys travel to Soldier Field to take on Brian Urlacher and whatever passes for that sorry clunker known as the Chicago Bears’ offense. The over/under on this one is three yards and a cloud of dust. The PFW does not recommend listening to the pre-game and the (hack, spit) artistic stylings of LaKeitha Olberdouche (hack, spit) unless you have plenty of BC’s brain bleach.

Maybe not even then.

We’re back Monday or Tuesday for the recap. In the meantime…has anyone seen Leoni???

Comments 33 Comments »

Memo to Gary Patterson: One or both of you need to go. I don’t give a damn which.

Arlington Heights 41, at Paschal 34
Texas Christian 17, at Air Force 20 (OT)
UBuffalo 24, at #12 Penn State 45 (Buffalo covers)
at #3 Oklahoma 54, Utah State 3
at #2 LSU 44, Middle Tennessee 0
Dallas 37, at Miami 20

UBeefalo coach Turner Gill apparently got a mite peeved over what sounded like a spectacular play by Penn State receiver Jordan Norwood’s TD catch of a ball that very nearly hit the ground.

Memo to my old acquaintance:  Turner, it’s not like you were going to beat these guys, even in your backyard. Hell, congratulate yourselves for covering the spread without my extra 14 point cushion.

Matt Flynn sat. Early Doucet sat. Backup Ryan Perrilloux (a name for an LSU quarterback if ever there was one) was one of many reserves that started for the Tigers.

And Bo Pelini’s defense…was still Bo Pelini’s defense. True, they only got one turnover, but they limited Bag o’ Nothin’ State MT to 4-of-14 on third downs, zip-for-two on 4th, and 90 yards total (at least, according to the stat sheet; the write-up gave ‘em 166 yards).

The dynasty would appear to be back.

Sam Bradford was 19-for-26 for 255 yards and three touchdown; Allen Patrick had 113 yards on 8 carries (69 of them on a TD run in the 2nd quarter) as the Sooners rolled.

Mack Brown’s nails are getting a little closer to the quick Right About Now™.

Between the heat, the humidity and the Miami defense, the Cowboys - hell, the entire game - started out about like I thought it would - as sluggish as Mikey Moron fighting through a mudpit trying to get the last eclair.

(There will be a short pause while the Imperial Torturer™ passes out the brain bleach.)

Then the 2nd half started, Miami scored to take the lead, then seemed to say to the Cowboys, “Okay, we’ve had our fun, you take the ball. No, really - take it. No, really - we insist. We’re serious - we really don’t want this ball.

Trent Green threw four picks out of five total turnovers which Dallas should have converted into at least 28 points, but had to settle for 13. Romo threw for 186 yards and two touchdowns, including one did-you-see-that Houdini-type job as Joey Porter was about to drag him to the ground.

Widdle Terri Owens caught the other TD pass, then drew a 15-yard unsportsmanlike call for a post-TD celebration that mocked Patsies coach Bill Belicheat Belichick:

“It was all in good fun,” Owens said with a grin. “I hope they don’t give me a hefty fine like they gave Belichick.”

Whatever. It cost the ‘Boys 7 points, as Miami, blessed with a short field after the ensuing kickoff, needed only three plays to punch it in.

Marion Barber III blasted through a bunched-up ten-man Miami box for the final margin.

Picture this: You’re an offensive coordinator. Your team is on the road. There’s less than a minute left in a tie game. You have the ball, first down just a tick outside the red zone (the 22-yard line, to be precise). You can kick the winning field goal right now if you want, or you can run the ball up the gut and get maybe a couple extra yards.

You decide to throw the ball. It gets picked. Your opponents run out the clock, then win in overtime.

Your name is Mike Schultz, and you are The Second Biggest Fucking Dumbass In Lord Spatula’s World™. Second only to Gary Patterson - the Biggest Fucking Dumbass In Lord Spatula’s World™ for having hired your moronic ass in the first place.

The Frogs also lost a fumble in the red zone, had a field goal attempt blocked and another one clank off the upright.

Patterson, however, defended his friend:

But to the tacky TCU fan who registered www.firemikeschultz.com as a Web domain Friday morning, behave yourself. Patterson and Schultz go back 24 years together, to when both were assistants on the staff at Tennessee Tech.

And they were back at work in the TCU football office, after a quiet flight home, Friday at 8 a.m.

“We talked about it,” Patterson said. “He’s feeling bad. What do you say?

“We’ve been together as a group for a long time.”

And just where was Patterson during all this?

Patterson explained it well in Saturday’s newspaper. He heard the offensive coaches talking about a running play and, satisfied, switched his headset channel over to the defensive staff, presumably to talk about what the Frogs were going to do after they kicked off. Before the timeout ended, however, somebody changed the play.

So, in other words, we have a football team whose left hand doesn’t have a fucking clue what its right hand is doing.

Nice.

This week: 5-1. Overall: 14-3.

The PFW will return Friday, when I will guarantee that Heights will not lose, and that Texas Christian University (hat tip: Humble DevilDog) had damned well best not.

Comments 23 Comments »

I have said, in the past, that the New England Pansies were completely incapable of winning without the help of the officiating.

But now it’s beginning to look like they can’t win without help, period. Last week at the New York J-E-T-S JETSJETSJETS!!!!!, the Pats apparently got caught with their hand in the cookie jar, as someone on their staff - posing as a credentialed reporter - was seen videotaping the Jets’ defensive signals.

Belichick reportedly has talked to NFL commish Roger Goodell about the matter, and a decision is expected on how to sanction New England by tomorrow. Probably’ll be a slap on the wrist.

On to the PFW. It’s week three on Friday night for my (Ft Worth) Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, which the last couple of years has meant former arch-rival (R.L.) Paschal High. The sibling unit & I went to see this last year and were treated to a 57-7 drubbing of pooooooooor Paschal (any Heights alumni reading this will get the reference). It’ll be Heights’ homecoming, and Rule Number One™ of homecoming games is that you schedule a squash. The Panthers should do very nicely.

Tonight, the TCU Horned Frogs are in Colorado Springs to take on the Air Force Falcons and attempt to avert a two-game losing streak. TCU’s an 8½-point favorite against the Birds, but they’re still a young team, and they’re still on the road. A field-goal difference is not out of the question here.

Saturday, Turner Gill will (as mentioned previously) take his UBuffalo Bulls to Happy Valley, PA, to get their asses handed them by JoePa and the 12th-ranked Penn State Nittany Lions. The Vegas line is 34; thus, as long as Buffalo can keep it within 50 (48, actually), we’ll take it.

Even at that, the Bulls are still not as much of an underdog as Utah State is to the 3rd-ranked Oklahoma Sooners on Saturday in Norman. The line there is 46, and Bob Stoops might just let up enough on the Aggies to allow them to cover.

Also Saturday, Middle Tennessee plays the role of sacrificial lamb for the second-ranked LSU Tigers and Bo Pelini’s defense. This game is gonna be such a squash, Vegas doesn’t even have a line on it.

Sunday, the Dallas Cowboys will be in Miami to take on a bunch of guys wearing Miami Dolphin uniforms. The program’s in a little disarray since the departure of Nick Saban, and new coach Cam Cameron hasn’t quite gotten Miami’s offense up to speed yet.

Interestingly enough, this will be a matchup of last year’s San Diego Charger coordinators - Wade Phillips & Cameron. Given that Miami’s infamous humidity will also be a factor, this may not be the shootout that Cowboys-Giants was. But we’ll see.

UPDATE:  Things don’t get any easier for the Cowboys, either.  Wide receiver Terry Glenn just had his knee scoped and will miss a few more weeks.  Wideout Sam Hurd has to grow up a little faster than they’d hoped.

We’re back Monday or so for the recap. In the meantime, the Humble Devildog has promised us a PFW of his own - one which looks to be “Bucky”-heavy…

Comments 19 Comments »

Po’ widdle Roy Williams.

The Dallas Cryboys safety…well, him be a widdle upset ’cause the Cowboys dared to release his buddy, Aaron Glenn.

When asked if he talked to anyone in the organization about Glenn’s release, Williams said Monday, “Why, I’m just going to be preaching to the choir. It doesn’t really matter. They took care of what they had to do, right.”[…]

Williams said Glenn was the Cowboys’ third-best cornerback.

“Yeah, most definitely, he’s a great cornerback for us,” Williams said. “I feel that if Terence [Newman] couldn’t play, Aaron would be the person that would have started.”

Don’t let that fool any of youse guys.  The fact of the matter is that for the last two years, anytime teams burned the Cowboys’ defense deep, the culprits were usually Williams & Glenn, as I chronicled here.  So now that Glenn’s gone, Widdle Woy Willie has no one to blame for getting burned in coverage ‘cept himself.

Welcome to Real World 101™, Roy-Willie.

Let’s launch the Perfect Football Weekend™.  Tonight, my (Fort Worth) Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets are at “home” (that is to say, a stadium called Farrington Field about three miles from campus) to take on the Birdville Hawks.  Birdville regularly manhandles Heights, and I don’t expect much different here.

Tomorrow, Turner Gill’s UBuffalo Bulls go on the road to play the Temple Owls.  Temple is one of the two teams UB actually beat last year, and the game’s at Temple this time, so look for a Bull bloodletting.  The Vegas line is Temple minus 3½, so as long as the Bulls don’t lose by 18 or more, we’ll count it as a win.

Also Saturday, everybody’s (cough) favorite poster-child school for GUN CONTROL NOW!!!!!1, Virginia Tech, comes into the Baton Rouge swamp to take on 2nd-ranked LSU.  VT has a damned good offense, so Bo Pelini’s defense will be sorely tested.  The line is the Tigers by 11½, but don’t let that fool you for a second; this may be decided by a field goal.

In addition, the Miami Hurricanes will come in to Norman to take on fifth-ranked Oklahoma.  These are not your father’s Hurricanes, as the program has slipped some in recent years, but this is no gimme for Bob Stoops’ Sooners.  The line is OU by 11; I think it’ll be a touchdown or less.

The marquee game in this  state Saturday will be down in Austin, as the 19th-ranked TCU Horned Frogs go up against seventh-ranked TU.  (Yes, I still despise Mack Brown - so yes, they still get called TU.)  Normally I wouldn’t give the Tadpoles much of a chance here (the line is TU by 9½), but the Cows are missing some people from suspension, and they lost one of their DEs to injury for this game, so there’s hope for TCU.

Sunday evening, Madden & Michaels will grace us here in Dallas with their presence as the aforementioned Cowboys take on the New York Football Giants.  New York no longer has Tiki Barber, and only got Captain Gap-Tooth defensive end Michael Strahan back for the game, but they still have a pretty good defense, and they have Eli Manning & Widdle Jeremi Schmucky Jeremy Shockey, so this should be a close game (the line is Dallas by 6).

We’re back Monday with the recap.  Now it’s your turn, LCs & Denizens - who wants to tell me how Michigan will respond Saturday against Oregon (aka The World’s Ugliest College Football Uniforms™)?

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Memo to Guy Morriss:  If you’re going to let your team talk trash against its opponent, then spend your entire spring & summer game-planning for one contest…perhaps your team should at least score a point or two, hm?

Arlington Heights 28, Azle 24
#22 TCU 27, Baylor 0
UBuffalo 3, #15 Rutgers 38
#2 LSU 45, Mississippi St 0
#8 Oklahoma 79, N. Texas 10
Dallas 13, Minnesota 24

My understanding had been that the poor-man’s version of Vince Young for Arlington Heights, a lad by the name of Donnell Dickerson, wouldn’t be playing for the Yellow Jackets this year.  But according to this write-up:

The Yellow Jackets scored two fourth-quarter touchdowns to come back for a 28-24 victory against Azle in the season opener for both teams. Donnell Dickerson scored on a 29-yard shovel pass from Mark Grace, and Grace scored on a 14-yard keeper to give Heights the final lead with 9:18 left. Dickerson rushed for two touchdowns, of 1 yard and 29 yards, in the first half and finished with 150 yards on 16 carries.

Wow.  May not be such a bad year for Heights, after all.

As expected, few starters played for the Cowboys against the ViQueens Dykings team from BridgeFallDownGoBoomVille Minnesota.  Backup Matt Moore did okay, and his reward was getting cut.  Oh, well.

UBuffalo surprised Temple in its first game last year.  No such luck this year - the game was over early.  Buffalo covered the spread-plus-14, though, so it counts as a victory (albeit moral).

WITY™ (What’d I Tell Ya?) regarding LSU and Missississississi…uh, the Bulldogs?  Bo Pelini’s defense collected 7 turnovers (6 interceptions) and RB Keiland Williams bulldozed for a couple of TDs as the Tigers reauxlled…uh, rolled. 

Good thing that coaching careers aren’t defined by one game.

Memo to Todd Dodge:  The competition on this level is just a weeeeeee  bit more than that to which you’re probably accustomed.

New OU quarterback Sam Bradford probably thought practices were tougher.  He went 20-for-22 for 350 yards in the first half as the Sooners also put this one away early.  New OU tailback DeMarco Murray rushed for only 87 yards, but also scored five touchdowns.

What do you do after holding a Texas Tech-style offense to three points last year?  You shut out its sister offense being run in Waco this year.

Last year, it was Baylor head coach Guy Morriss running down TCU head coach Gary Patterson.  This year, Baylor tailback Brandon Whitaker took his shots:

“They have been talking a lot of noise about how they should be in the Big 12,” Whitaker said, “and so we are just going to go down there and prove to them that they shouldn’t.”

Mr. Whitaker, TCU can apparently do something you guys can’t:  Beat Big XII teams on a regular basis.  They’ve now won five in a row against Big XII teams, including your sorry asses twice.

New Frog quarterback Andy Dalton was 18 of 30 for 205 yards and one touchdown in his first start.  Frog backs ran for 181 yards and two touchdowns, and the TCU defense held the Baylor attack to 78 total yards in the second half, forcing three interceptions on their way to four total.

This week:  5-0. (the Dallas game doesn’t count, and Buffalo covered their spread as set by me).  Overall record:  5-0.  Perfect Football Weekend™ achieved.

The PFW will return Friday as we start with the nailbiting early.  Details to come.

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As we launch the first this-one-counts Perfect Football Weekend™ of the year, the Department of Ew, Just Ew™ alerts us to a charter member of the next generation of the Washington Redskins most well-known group of fans, the Hog-ettes.

A student at Sunset High School arrived for a second time Wednesday morning trying to register for class.

But it’s what 17-year-old Luis Valderamma wears that has created issues with administrators.

He’s a cross dresser, attired Wednesday in capri pants and heels.

“This is how I feel comfortable. This is me,” Valderamma said.

The student was sent home on Monday, but on Wednesday, school officials did allow him to register and attend class.

The DISD would not elaborate on any further agreements about his wardrobe.

“I’m not a distraction. There’s nothing in the rules that says I can’t wear girl clothes,” he said. “I see girls up here with saggy jeans. They come dressed up like boys. That’s going to be a distraction, too.”

Valderamma says he’s willing to compromise somewhat and wear capris instead of skirts.

But he says his choices are limited, as he has already bought his entire girl wardrobe for the school year.

I would pay Honest-To-Cthulu Real Money™ if this wussbag would go out for the Sunset football team. 

Awright, let’s get to it.  Tonight, the Dallas Cowboys play their last preseason game up in NoBridgeVille Minnesota as they visit the Vikings.  Widdle Terri Owens has already said that the stars are scheduled for “zero snaps” (his words).  Look for a ViQueens win, as the Cowboys get a heavy dose of former OU back Adrian Peterson.  (And, as this game is  preseason, it won’t count in the final PFW tally.)

Also tonight, Turner Gill’s UBuffalo Bulls play the role of sacrificial opening-night lamb vs. the 16th-ranked Rutgers Scarlet Knights.  A Vegas gaming site, to which I will hereinafter refer as “Vegas”, has the Scarlet Knights at -32½, so as long as the Bulls can keep from getting beat by 47, it’s a win.

In addition, the Bo Pelini-run defense of the #2-ranked LSU Tigers pays a visit to Starkville, MS to feast on Sylvester Croom’s Mississippi State Bulldogs.  ESPN thinks Croom could be fighting to save his job, and LSU’s going to be of no help whatsoever.  The line is LSU -18½, and I don’t think it’s going to be that  close.

Friday night, the “hah skrewlers” (a takeoff of a little Rush lingo, there) get back in action - and if it’s the first game of the season, it must be the Azle Hornets for my (Fort Worth, for you LCs) Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets.  Heights got in the playoffs last year with a losing record (a fact which I chronicled here), and they’re not much better this year, so the playoffs are a remote shot - as will be successful PFWs. 

Speaking of sacrificial lambs, the University of North Texas Eagles, under the direction of former Texas high-school coaching phenom Todd Dodge, goes to Norman Saturday evening at 7:00 to get their heads ripped off by #8 Oklahoma.

The line is OU by 40½.  Welcome to the NCAA, Todd. 

Finally, the 22nd-ranked Texas Christian University Horned Frogs will host the Baylor Bears and former TCU lineman (now Bear coach) Guy Morriss at 5 pm Saturday (this is where His Rudeness™ will be screaming his head off for the three hours following).  The story is that all spring & summer, Morriss has talked about nothing else but this game, been preparing for nothing else but  this game.

Trouble is, he did that last year too - and TCU pulled the upset in Waco.

TCU’s starting a freshman at quarterback, however, so this game (as they all will) scares me, even though TCU’s favored by 21.  I will have no  nails by game’s end.  Bank on that.

We’re back Monday or so for the recap.  In the meantime, now  it counts, so let’s hear the trash talk! 

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