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Archive for the “The Perfect Football Weekend™” Category

Well, to paraphrase an old stand-up comic…last night I watched a Michael Vick public burial and a football game broke out.

Dallas 16, Pew-stun 14, Mike Carey’s Blind-Assed Excuse for an Officiating Crew 14
Jacksonville 21, Green Bay 13
New England 24, Carolina 7
Pittsburgh 27 Philadelphia 13
Atlanta 24, Cincinnati 19

Was that a football game last night or a public wringing-of-the-hands-in-angst over the Widdle Mikey Vick imbroligio?  I mean, you couldn’t go five minutes without Tirico, Jaworski & Kornheiser bringing it up.  What, was PeTA writing the fookin’ script or something?

Anyway, Joey Harrington didn’t look all that bad in leading the Falcons to a win at home, throwing two touchdown passes in about a half’s worth of work.  Carson Palmer had a couple of touchdown passes for the Bengals - the first ones of their preseason.  It didn’t help that they had 14 players out with injuries.

Who says you need reps in practice?  Not Pats quarterback Tom Brady:

Two days after Brady missed practice to fly to Los Angeles where his ex-girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan, gave birth to their son, Brady returned to the Patriots and was nearly flawless in New England’s 24-7 exhibition win over the Carolina Panthers on Friday.

Ah, but just wait until he gets hit with the child support papers. 

There’s just no pleasing some people.

Ben Rothelisberger throws for damn-near 250 yards, leads the Steelers on three scoring drives (okay, so two of ‘em were FGs - whatever), and he’s pissed about it:

“No, I’m not real happy,” he said. “We missed a couple of things, some things could have been better, but I told some of those guys I’ll get better and I’ll be sure to hit them.”

Sheesh.

OTOH, how long before the Philthy fans (did I really say that?    ) start clamoring for Kevin Kolb to replace Donna McFlabb as the starter?  The World’s Greatest Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever™ was only 5-of-11 for 60 yards, while Kolb went 26-of-37 for 242.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  Eleven-on-eighteen is not a fair fight.

Dallas goes three-and-out on its first possession, then punts to little pipsqueak Jackoff Jacoby Jones, who promptly runs 91 yards the other way for the first Tex-anne touchdown.

Except that Pewstun committed a clip of the left-side gunner on the play.

Except that it wasn’t called.  Fucking excuse-for-a-side judge looked right at it  - and didn’t call it.  Pretty much de rigueur  for the ‘Boys the rest of the night:  Get mugged by Pewstun - no call.  Breathe on a Tex-anne - 10 yard penalty.

Romo didn’t have a great game, though he did throw TDs each to Widdle Terri Owens and Jason Witten.  The offensive line was just that - offensive; the running game was non-existant.  And Martin Grammitica has kicked himself out of a job for the second straight year, missing the PAT on the Owens TD (he’ll get cut this week or next with an injury settlement - you heard it here first).

Terrence Newman showed why he’s the Dallas defensive MVP.  He missed the game with plantar facsitis (sp?) in his heel, forcing the other cornerbacks to move up a spot.  Whereupon backup Jacques Reeves got beat for a 20-yard rainbow for a touchdown by the aforementioned Jackoff Jones.

(Incidentally, speaking of Jones, he should be damned glad I wasn’t trailing him on that punt return when he did a somersault over the goal line.  My elbows are pretty damned sharp, plus I wouldn’t have had much trouble leading with the crown of my helmet on the late hit.    )

Next PFW is in two days.  And this time, it counts for real (at least, on the HS and NCAA sides).  Start gearing up now, LCs & Denizens.

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Denizens & LCs, we’ll start off this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend™ with a question:  If I told you that a Texas team laid an ass-whipping on Baltimore, 30-3, you’d think football, wouldn’t you?  You’d think to yourself, “Man, Brian Billick, Ray Lewis and the rest of those goons got their heads handed to them by the Cowboys.”  Some of you would even break out in happy dances, I’ll bet.    And you’d think it was the Cowboys, because the Houston Texannes…snx…the Texans…snxxxnxxxxx…the Tex…BWAHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!11~

Sorry, got carried away there for a second. Where was I…?  Ah, yes…

You’d be wrong.  Not only about the teams involved, but about the sport itself.  As you probably know by now, the Texass stRangers destroyed the Baltimore Orioles last night in the first game of a doubleheader, setting the modern record for runs scored in a single game by a single team (they also set the record for runs scored in a doubleheader, as they won the nightcap, 9-7).  Down 3-0 in the opener, they roared back on the strength of two grand-slam homers, two three-run shots, and 7 RBIs apiece from the bottom two slots in the batting order.

“Damn”, as former FlaState footballer Ron Simmons would say.

Which brings us around to football.  And Florida football (sort of), at that.  Tonight, Lefty Leftwich & the Jacksonville Jaguars visit the frozen rain-soaked tundra of Lambeau Field to take on Ancient Mariner™ Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers.  Fox has the game with its #2 team, which means you’ll probably see more of Tony Siragusa than you really wanted to. 

Tomorrow night, CBS brings us a rematch of Super Bowl…uh, Super Bowl…

AUGUSTUS:  XXXVIII

LSIK&T:  Oh, yeah, right.  38.  Thanks, Augie.

AUGUSTUS:  !%@(#!#(#$(#%@*@!!!!!!!!

(He hates it when I call him “Augie”.  Which is, of course, why I do it.    )

Anyway, it’s a rematch of Super Bowl 38 as the Pats go to Carolina.  Jake Delhomme & company haven’t looked all that great to start, but good things are being predicted for the Pats this year.  Rumors that NE QB Tom Brady was having a customized papoose-pak made for him were unsubstantiated at press time.

Speaking of the Cowboys (and the Tex-annes, for that matter), they’ll hook up Saturday night in Houston.  It’ll be interesting to see how former Atlanta backup QB Matt Schaub fares behind that sieve of an offensive line (the guess from here is that you could put The World’s Greatest Quarterback Ever In The History Of Ever, Ever!!!™, Donna McFlabb, behind that line and he’d get killed).

Speaking of Team Clunky Soup©, they’ll join Madden, Michaels and the NBC Sunday Night crew in Pittsburgh for another intrastate matchup vs. Ben Rothelisberger and the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Pitt has its third head coach in the last forty years - dammitall, can’t Art Rooney get some stability  into that franchise? 

And speaking of Hotlanta, we’ll round out the weekend Monday night with the Falcons hosting the Cincinnati Bengals (it should  be on ESPN, but it’s not on the schedule, but why would it be on Monday night otherwise?).  The over/under for this game is six felony convictions.

We’re back Tuesday for the recap.  In the meantime, feel free to discuss Atlanta replacing Michael Vick with…Joey Harrington??? 

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Waitaminit™ - I think the G-men just got called for another penalty…

Miami 11, Kansas City 10
Minnesota 37, NY Jets 20
Dallas 31, Denver 20
NY Giants 13, Baltimore 12
Chicago 27, Indianapolis 24

Patrick Cobbs (late of the University of North Texas) scored a late touchdown and jackass Mormon John Beck - sorry, I still have it in for him for the TCU game last year - got the two-point conversion that sent the Chiefs down to defeat at home.  The Chiefs are a little banged up right now (they’re missing pretty much their entire backfield from last year at the moment) and have only one offensive TD in the preseason (according to the linked report).

Even though OU’s Adrian Peterson ran tough for the Vikings, Mizzou’s Brad Smith got to play his rendition of Kordell “Slash” Stewart for the Jets, and even former Cowboy bust (dammit) Drew Henson got into the act, the highlight of Minn-NYJ was a calico cat that got caught on the toob gallivanting across the endzone halfway through the fourth quarter.  Smith didn’t see him, opting instead for a handoff. 

Baltimore & the New York G-Men played a very  sloppy game, even for preseason - the teams combined for 23 penalties for a grand total of 177 yards - and those were just the accepted ones. 

Chicago got its revenge, I guess.  If you wanna call a three-point preseason win revenge. (shrug)  Adrian Peterson had a sorry night for Da Bears™ (5 carries, 8 yards), but he did  score a touchdown.  (OTOH, if the best Chicago can do is 68 yards rushing on a fast track vs. the Indy run defense with  Cedric Benson & company - well, Urlacher had best have another career year.)

Side note before we go on:  Look at the last part of the scoring recap:

Craphonso Thorpe 4 Yd Pass From Josh Betts (Shane Andrus Kick)

Great Honkin’ Cthulu™, W(ho)TF names their kid “Craphonso”?????  Damn.  Just, damn.

Since the Cowboy game was on the See-BS affiliate, KDFW-TV decided to put the San Diego-St. Louis game on its sister station.  San Diego pretty much dominated.

The Bolts have gone back to the ugly-assed white helmets from their old AFL days, plus an ugly font for their numbers.  Ew.

Think Norv Turner doesn’t realize this is his last chance at a head coaching gig?  Last play of the game, his Chargers comfortably in front, 30-13, and he’s griping about how Ram QB Brock Berlin’s Hail-Mary pass was almost caught for a TD. 

Speaking of Turner - ever wonder what his timing-based offense would have done with a Brett Favre-type quarterback in charge?  Tony Romo is nowhere near Brett’s greatness, but the poor-man’s Favre led the Dallas offense on three very nice-looking drives in the first half (one was fairly short due to a fumble recovery deep in Bronco territory) as the Cowboys rolled.  Romo was 11 of 18 for 122 with several timely passes for 10-yard-plus gains, though he did have one pick.  Julius Jones & Marion Barber managed 88 yards between them, and Tyson Thompson got 75 all by himself against scrubs.

The ‘Boys are running right a good deal more this year to the right side (one TD came going that route) - Leonard Davis may be the signing of the year if he can keep up this performance level.

Only one sack by the defense for the game, but constant pressure on Bronco quarterbacks forced several errant throws (Bobby Carpenter managed one interception).  Nate Jones may have just played his way out of Dallas, whiffing on a pass that turned into a 90-yard Bronco touchdown.

But the most oddball note comes from Mike Klis of the Denver Pissed Post, who reported that the Broncos were apparently a little torqued that Dallas…well…played football.

“I don’t know if Wade’s (ticked) off the Broncos fired him, but it sure looked that way,” Broncos safety John Lynch said.

Lynch wanted to make it clear he was joking.

But as a safety entering his 15th season, Lynch is qualified to know football’s unwritten rules better than most. The Broncos played their base, seven-man front on defense Saturday and, because their offensive line is so banged up, tried to employ a conservative plan when they had the ball.

“That’s not what they did,” Lynch said. “They came out and game- planned us, blitzing every play. They came after us. It’s no excuse for the way we played. But I think they might have broken the code of ethics for the preseason.”

A few other Broncos, including quarterback Jay Cutler, shared similar feelings about the Cowboys getting a little too aggressive with their approach to a preseason game

What, guys?  You were expecting a nice, friendly game of tiddlywinks?  Sheesh. 

The PFW will return in a couple days.

Comments 17 Comments »

The first Perfect Football Weekend™ ever to hit the Empire of the Rottweiler kicks off…

AUGUSTUS:  By Baal’s left nipple, can it get any cornier?

MERLIN:  Trust me, he’s just getting started.

LSIK&T:  Oh, pipe down, both of you.

…by noting that Adam “Pacman” Jones, late of the Tennessee Vince Youngs Titans, has another gig now that he’s been suspended for the year by the NFL:  Pro wrestling.

Yeah, you heard right:  Pro wrestling.

BRUTUSWe  had professional wrestling.  That  is called, I believe, “rasslin’”.

LSIK&T:  What-ever.

But here’s the kicker:  The Titans, obviously wanting to protect their investment for when Jones comes back, tried to take Pacman to court the other day to keep him from the possibility of physical contact - and thus, injury.  According to this story, they’ve come to an agreement whereby Pacman would not actually engage in any physical contact.

CALIGULA:  Wuss.

MERLIN:  True dat.

OZY MCCOOL:  What a weenie!

KORRIOTH:  You would know, wouldn’t you, whelp?

OZY MCCOOL:  Hey!!!

LSIK&T:  Awright, knock it off!

Jones’ Titans are in Foxboro Friday night to take on the Patriots.

Also Friday night, Fox has Minnesota at the NY J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets!, while ESPN has Miami traveling to Arrowhead this evening to play Kansas City’s Chiefs.  Sunday night, Madden & Michaels are in Baltimore to watch the Ravens host the New York Football Giants, and Monday night ESPN will have a rematch of last season’s Super Bowl as Da Bears are at Indy.

Saturday night, the Denver Broncos come to Texas Stadium to take on the Cowboys.  Jay Cutler has replaced Jake Plummer this year, for which Bronco fans are eminently grateful (Plummer having aptly demonstrated in 4 years why Arizona didn’t even want him).  Denver will pose a more adequate test for the Cowboys, as they feature a running game & a defense more closely resembling the ones Dallas will face in the NFC East.  Cowboy fans, yours truly included, will want to keep their eyes peeled for this one.

We’re back Tuesday for the recap.

(Psst, Rotties!  This is where you guys begin to talk smack, mkay?  And try not to bore me with the ancient Cowboys/police blotter crap, hm?  That was so 10 years ago, y’know?    )

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