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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Archive for 24
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Archive for the “24” Category

…at least if your family has the last name of “Bauer.”

(WARNING: This week’s recap may contain numerous geek references. If you don’t get them, congratulate yourself on the fact that you have a life, which we, evidently, do not. If you DO get the references, do yourselves a favor and pretend that you don’t. You might have sex at least once more in your lives before you die if you follow this advice. Also, if any part(s) of this recap make you laugh like crazy and/or groan loudly, please let us know in the comments. Not that we’re likely to give a shit about your opinions, we’re the Jack Bauer of the Blogosphere after all, but at least you’ll have a chance to vent. Not to mention that, whereas we really don’t give an Imperial Bowel Movement about what you plebes think and it’s not like we’re looking for adulation, we already know that we’re G-d’s Gift to Writing, there’s a slight off-chance that we might pick up a few tricks by listening to your advice. Advice for which we’ll pay absolutely nothing, of course, seeing as how we’re acting with Divine Mandate, but you get the drift. You can either put up with our drivel “as is” or offer helpful suggestions).

Last week, we left Bauer as he was introducing his brother, Cue Ball, to the delights of “dry waterboarding.”

Instead of taking us immediately back to that scene this week, the show’s writers obviously decided that it was the audience’s turn to suffer through indescribable torture, so they treat us to the tail end of President Allstate Jr’s interminable, vapid, useless speech to the American people, in which he promises that everything is going to be alright, as long as he doesn’t have to actually do anything meaningful in response to a nuclear attack on American soil.

At the end, Karl Rove is angry that President Allstate Jr has promised to “keep our American values”, since he already has the Gulags up and ready to go. Karen Reno, true to her irritating form, immediately marches into the room and declares that there will be no violation of the civil liberties of terrorists on her watch, no matter how many millions of actual Americans have their civil liberties permanently revoked by being turned into a radioactive cloud of plasma.

“Sure, so maybe setting off another four nukes all over America might be a bad thing, but if ONE SINGLE INNOCENT is unfairly and un-Constitutionally profiled, then America will surely perish overnight!”, she preaches.

“You mean, like Caucasian grandmothers from Minnesota getting full body cavity searches in order to keep CAIR’s quotas?”, Karl asks.

“I know what you think. You think that I’m just some bleeding heart liberal…”, she continues.

“I wouldn’t insult bleeding heart liberals like that, actually…”, Karl interrupts.

“…but I too will do everything it takes to…”

“No. You won’t. Now go bother somebody else for a second, will you?” Karl walks off, exasperated, while Karen Reno carries on regardless and oblivious of the fact that he stopped listening to her monologue quite a while ago.

“…and would it kill you to leave the toilet seat down every once in a while. Oh, and my mother always warned about your ty…”, she shouts at the door closing behind him.

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 5 Comments »

Which, of course, is pretty much a given now that Bauer Season has officially started, but to any newcomers and people as senile as His Imperial Forgetfulness, it might be helpful to point out that your weekly overdose of anything Bauer™ is off to a splendid start.

Now, we won’t pretend to be modest and deny that we have a submission as well, it’s not like any of you would buy it anyway, but we also highly recommend the other submissions.

More Bauer than you can shake a stick at, we tell you.

Comments 1 Comment »

First, allow us to apologize for the absence of the last 2 hours of the 4-hour marathon of Jack last week. It was actually pretty much done when a technical glitch (His Imperial Majesty’s fat fingers hit the wrong button) caused it to disappear into the ether. Maybe that Stevens character from Alaska will locate it for us the next time he cleans the InterTubes.

At any rate, you didn’t really miss that much. Achhhhmed will never again criticize anybody for mispronouncing his name, and the All-American Suburban Family won’t be bothering us with their tepid, inane presence anymore either. Well, All-American Daddy won’t, that’s for sure, seeing as how he’s now a glowing puff of plasma somewhere in Valencia, which is a fitting end to some twit managing to make Anakin Skywalker’s “NOOOOOOOO!” sound even more retarded than the original.

As you know, Curtis isn’t among us anymore, since Jack ended up shooting him in order to save a terrorist. Oh yes, something’s seriously wrong with Jack these days but, then again, perhaps a couple of years in a ChiCom gulag will do things to your mind. We all know what the Hanoi Hilton did to the rotting lump of goo in McCain’s skull.

Oh, and a nuke blew up in L.A. What a waste of a perfectly good nuke. What, with Hollywood so tantalizingly close and all that. Then again, not even terrorists would be crazy enough to blow up their truest allies.

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 10 Comments »

In which we finally find out what the whole point of the lame headline for this and the previous post was.

You see, we’re still not done with the second hour of the 4-hour marathon so, without further ado, here’s the second hour:

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 10 Comments »

Oh yes, Jack’s back and it’s time for our seemingly endless recaps…

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 28 Comments »