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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Archive for Funny Shit
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Archive for the “Funny Shit” Category

(Found at the Jawa Report)

Apparently the good people of Topeka are busy expressing free speech of their own:

TOPEKA, Kan. (AP) - Topeka police are investigating vandalism at the Westboro Baptist Church, known for its protests at the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq.

Police said graffiti spray-painted on the church read, “God hates intolerance” and “God hates the Phelps,” an apparent reference to the church’s belief that God is punishing the United States for its support of homosexuals.

The vandalism was discovered on the day after a Baltimore jury awarded 11 million dollars to the father of a fallen Marine who sued the church over its protest of his son’s funeral.

Two homemade firecrackers were found outside the church, and area streets were shut down as a precaution.

Church leader Shirley Phelps-Roper said the damage is the latest of numerous acts of vandalism committed to the church’s property over the past 17 years.

Oh dear… We are so… SADDENED to hear this. Really. We swear.

So, in the midst of our very real and not at all fake sorrow at this horrible event, let us all be thankful that nobody had the silly idea to, I don’t know, board up the “church” during their next service, pour a few thousand gallons of gasoline over it and drop a match.

Because that would be really sad.

We’d never be able to pay for all of the champagne.

Comments 45 Comments »

…as any DJ will tell you. LC & IB Beth sends us a link that proves, as if it needed proof, that nobody beats the English when it comes to delivering a satirical jab and a hook in a manner so seamlessly smooth that the hapless victim never notices a damn thing until he notices that everybody is laughing. At him.

King Something-or-other of “Our Eternal Friends” in Shoddy Retardia was visiting Buckingham Palace and, as is always the case when foreign dignitaries, even the ones without any dignity whatsoever, visit, the band would, perforce, have to strike up a tune as he arrived.

You might reasonably think that having to put up a parade and a band for a totalitarian scumbag reigning over one of the most backwards hellholes on Earth wouldn’t sit too well with a military as historied (yes, that really is a word) as the British, and you’d be right. You might also think that the necessity of doing so anyway would pose an insoluble dilemma: Do it, and honor a lowlife hardly worth shitting on, or refuse to do it and break with a centuries-old tradition.

In this case, you’d be wrong. The Brits came up with the perfect solution right away.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(We must, however, at least as a matter of protocol, protest the abuse of said glorious tune. But we’ll let it fly this time).

Comments 21 Comments »

Comments 9 Comments »

From news.com.au

Sometimes, I swear, these stories write themselves. It is expected that the use of garden gnomes as a housebreaking tool will decrease from now on.

A 37-year-old man has bled to death after slipping on broken glass while allegedly trying to climb through a bedroom window in Adelaide’s south.

The fact he is dead sorta gives the “alleged” part away..

The man was almost decapitated after slipping on broken glass at a Moorong Rd property in O’Sullivan Beach about 2.10am today, South Australian police said.

Should have quit whilst he was ahead.

It is believed the man sliced his neck, which caused fatal bleeding. The house’s occupants were in the bedroom as the man, from Christies Beach, tried to enter the house, police said.

“Indications are that the man threw a garden ornament through a bedroom window which woke the occupants and … slipped and suffered a severe laceration which killed him,” Senior Constable Mick Abbott said.“The man’s death is being treated as non-suspicious.”

That’ll be good for the roses this summer.

Police were investigating the man’s death, he said. The man is believed to have used a garden gnome to break the window, Sky News reports.

Goblin breaks window. Goblin kills self trying to break into home. Give garden gnome a medal, bury goblin, write report, go home to dinner.

Case closed.

The house’s owner found the man in a pool of blood, but ambulance officers called to the scene were unable to revive him.

Garden gnome 1, Goblin 0.

All in a day’s work.

Comments 40 Comments »

In the annals of Stoopidom™, it’s a pretty mean feat to beat one of our old resident LiberIdiot trolls when it comes to outright, blindingly moronical Stoopidness™. Some of you may recall our long-lost Cinderella of the Stalls™, Constance. (aka “cb” or “connie). Her meal card was permanently stamped Warning: Too Stoopid To Chew® from the git-go and she’s gone through life slurping down the Stoopid Shakes™ with blissful glee since the day the doctor dropped her, headfirst, onto the floor of the delivery room. Well, when the minions of The Imperial Dungeon Game Room™ ambled over to The DUmmie FUnnies earlier this evening, we stumbled upon someone so Ass-tronomically Attenuated From Reality™ that he makes “cb” look like a veritable rocket surgeon, in comparison.

(Snide note: It’s a sure bet that he’ll make DJ proud to be on the same team.)

Warning: CAT XXII SPEW ALERT IS IN EFFECT!

F.E.T.E.

Comments 36 Comments »

Re: Rebel Scum “Failed Launch”

Since the Rebel misinformation that this was merely an “accident” continues to circulate in the Empire, LC & IB Beth of the Dept. of Domestic Affairs implored us to put these unsubstantiated claims to rest by de-classifying the following footage.

What you’re seeing is footage from the nose camera of Squadron Leader Civé Rashon (OS-72-1)’s wingman (below the fold because YouTube is, as usual, a piece of worthless crap slowing load times for the front page down to a flippin’ crawl).

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 25 Comments »

Just when you think that you’ve heard every “argument” by a defense lawyer asking a judge to toss out a cut ‘n’ dried case, along comes William “Chocolate City’s Ice Cream Man” Jefferson and his comedy writer lawyer come up with one that makes even his namesake’s, Slick Willie of the Bent Dick’s™I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Mizz Blewinski.” defense, seem almost Aristotelian.

ALEXANDRIA, Va. (AP) — A Louisiana congressman caught on tape accepting a $100,000 cash payment…

First off, since his party affiliation wasn’t mentioned within the first three words of the article, we can be assured that he’s NOT a Republican…

…should not have been charged with bribery because technically, such an act is closer to influence peddling than bribery, defense lawyers argued Friday.

Go on and laugh. We’ll wait for you to catch your breath…

Lawyers for Democratic Rep. William Jefferson made no admission that Jefferson engaged in improper conduct. But defense attorney Amy Jackson argued that even if the government’s allegations are true, they do not constitute bribery under federal law.

Uh-huh. And Rep. Jefferson vigorously defended Randy “Duke” Cunningham during his “influencing troubles“, didn’t he?

“We think using influence is not a bribe,” Jackson told U.S. District Judge T.S. Ellis III in seeking to have some of the charges dismissed.

Stop it! You’re KILLING us, here!

“No, no, he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’!”

Prosecutors scoffed at the argument, and Ellis seemed skeptical. He offered several hypothetical situations that he likened to the conduct alleged in Jefferson’s case and questioned whether such situations did not amount to bribery.

That’s “judicial politeness” for “You’re out of your fucking MIND if you think I’m going to fall for THAT steaming pile of bovine excrement!

Or, in Pythonese: “Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.”
Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 65 Comments »

Just got this from the DNC in my inbox:

Dear Emperor,

Our organizing plan for 2008 has one critical component: you.

OK, it’s official: The DemCong are toast. If I’m their “one critical component”, then their entire campaign is in critical condition.

Next month, we’re asking you — and we’re relying on you —

This is going to hurt a bit, I can tell you right now.

to stand up and take ownership of your own neighborhood.

What nonsense is this? Which part of “Emperor” did you not understand? It was in the salutation you wrote yourselves, after all. “Take ownership?”

“We’ll ask him, but we don’t think he’ll be very keen. You see, he’s already got one!”

It’s a key part of our 50-State Strategy, and the cornerstone of our plan for Democratic victory in 2008.

On Saturday, November 3rd we need you to host your friends and neighbors for the first national organizing event of the Presidential race — months ahead of the Republicans, and a year before we elect a Democratic president.

Why be so timid? Why not start hosting parties a full decade before elections? That way we’ll be sure that not even the kids of those participating will remember what it was all about.

You’ll get together, learn the plan, pledge your leadership, and then get started.

We aren’t going to play catch-up in 2008. We can’t afford to.

Then get off your incumbent derrieres, extract your thumbs from your recti and get to work, why don’t you? Unless, of course, you’re offering to pay for the party as well, in which case I’m all for it. Let’s PARTY! You didn’t mention any specific candidate, did you? No, you didn’t. Alllllrighty then.

Our organizers have already set up hundreds of events across the country. You can see if there’s one in your neighborhood or plan your own right here:

http://www.dumbassdonks.org/ComeCrashOurParty

Could we have the GPS coords as well? Please? Just because?

We’re ready to get our ground game moving, but we have a small problem: we don’t have a name for the event yet.

We’ve had meetings, sent emails, had passing conversations about it, but we’re still stuck.

…on Stupid™. Yes, we already knew that. So you want me to come up with a name for this party as well. This party that I’m supposed to plan, arrange, pay for and host for you? Gee, with deals as sweet as yours, it’s a bloody mystery that the DemCong doesn’t have members numbered in the billions already. It goes a long way toward explaining why the average IQ among your voter base tends to hover somewhere south of room temperature, though.

We’ve had the “National Organizing Kickoff” and the “50 State Canvass.” We’ve also had a couple of “Democratic Reunion” events. Right now we’re just generically calling it the “year out event.”

If you’re the cornerstone of our 2008 ground game, we figured we’d ask for your ideas on a name for the kickoff event. After all, campaigns and organizations are already asking you for everything from a campaign theme song to a bumper sticker slogan.

So, any ideas?

Sure.

How about the “Stalinist Revival Tour of ‘07?”

“100 Million Dead Was a Fluke. Let’s Try it Again?”

Actually, simply requiring all attendees to wear a simple cardboard sign on their backs saying “Kick Me, I’m a Retard!” would suffice, methinks. Simple, accurate and to the point, not to mention that you can save a lot on overhead by requiring them to print their own. Or at the very least pay somebody to do it for them. Microsoft Word™ might be a bit too complicated for them, as you guys found out when you tried to make those fake but accurate memos for Dan Rather’s 15 Minutes of Imbecility.

Please let me know what you think.

Very sincerely,

Misha I

Comments 46 Comments »

…is a used condom, ruffled and stained sheets and an uncomfortably painful sphincter.

It looks like at least some of the Nutroots are beginning to realize that they’ve been had. Again.

“Why would Senate Democrats risk alienating the netroots? Why risk alienating 1.3 million passionate, activist, money contributing, MoveOn.org members?

Because you dumbfucks already handed over your bong money to them and helped them gain a majority? Because, now that you’ve done your part, they’re washing their hands of your psychotic, Marxist antics because it simply doesn’t sell very well with the American public and, after all, they have Queen Hildebeest to elect, for which they’re going to need something more than a bunch of frothing, Stalinist nutcakes?

You’re no longer of any use to them. Actually, you’re a liability. Just like your former hero, St. Sheehan of the Ditch, the one you threw under the bus when she reached her sell-by date.

Enjoy, schmucks. Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving bunch of twats.

Comments 59 Comments »

We haven’t watched the debate yet (and we probably won’t for quite some time, but that’s what DVR is for), but already the Ron Pauliacs have broken out fresh bags of Doritos, popped the cap of several gallons’ worth of Mountain Dew and are going through all of their open proxies to vote for their god as early and often as possible.

With predictably hilarious results.

And if you think that Mr. 2% consistently winning ever online poll, no matter what the question is, is funny, you should take a look into their mothers’ basements, where the widdle Paulites are frantically coordinating their spamming while expressing their outrage, OUTRAGE that nobody takes them seriously. Those comments are pure comedy GOLD, we tell you.

On October 10th, 2007 TVMH says:

They may have taken it down so as to run it again without prior influence after tonight’s re-broadcast.

Besides, look on the bright side.

If “they” have to resort to censorship, then that means Dr. Paul is very popular.

Further, they cannot avoid exposing themselves as propagandists when they resort to censorship.

People are not completely stupid, and I tend to think that they are starting to catch on to the shenanigans.

No, people aren’t. Just you and your friends. But let’s see if we get this right… If they take obviously spammed polls down, polls rendered completely worthless as information by you and your hamster voting over and over again for “Dr Paul”, then it means that he’s wildly popular? Conversely, if they leave the “98% think that Ron Paul is a Minor Deity” up, it means that he’s — wildly popular?

Right. Now quit wasting your mother’s electricity and put your helmet back on.

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 45 Comments »