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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Archive for Funny Shit
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Archive for the “Funny Shit” Category

Thanks to the Imperial Spy Network, more specifically LC Dan, we learn that those pesky Rebel Scum, once again, have bitten off more than they can chew.

Of course, they’re confident that it had nothing to do with the Empire.

Keep believing that, anarchist scum, just keep on believing that…

Comments 21 Comments »

Dammit, why does His Highness always miss out on the truly hilarious crap?

Well, in this case it was our own fault, because LC Crunchie had already alerted us to it. But it happened to be a really, really busy day at the Palace, so it got put on the back burner and then, as is so often the case when you put stuff aside, you forget about it.

Until we saw a second post about it, which is when we started looking into Crunchie’s earlier email and realized that we’d just missed some of the funniest shit ever.

To recap: Some “Survivor” clown who calls himself Johnny Fairyplay, Footsieplay, something like that is on stage at one of those Hollyweird shows where people that nobody gives two shits about congregate to jerk each other off, presumably to convince themselves that anybody would notice if they all died of syphilis tomorrow. While up there, he’s blabbing about how he suckered the other jerks on the season of “Survivor” that he was on (apparently it’s some sort of reality show that couch potatoes with the IQ of a strawberry shortcake enjoy) by lying about his grandmother being dead.

Much to our surprise, the crowd boos at him. We weren’t aware that those airheads had any notion of normality and common decency, but there you have it. You can find nuggets of, well, at least some sort of semi-worth saving metal in even the largest pile of manure. Johnny Foreplay (”roll over honey” - ten seconds later: - “damn, was it good for you too?”) is surprised too, but in his case for the all too common Hollyweird reason, namely that he’s dumber than your average brick and about as charming, so Danny Bonaduce, who must have been really desperate for company that night to show up at that non-event, helpfully goes on stage and gently points out to him that they’re booing because they hate him. After standing around for a while with that endearing expression so commonly seen on a cow hit in the face with a wet trout, Johnny Allgay calls out for Danny, who turns around with a “what?” look on his face, probably surprised that an organism that far down the evolutionary ladder can even speak or, as it were, utter sounds more complicated than “arf”, “bark” and “oink.”

Which is where it gets funny. Johnny Hairspray then, from a two or three paces’ worth of running start, jumps up in Danny’s face, wraps his arms around Danny’s throat and his legs around his sides and starts dry-humping his nostrils. Danny, non-plussed, lifts up his arms, grabs Johnny Dairyqueen under the thighs and flips him over his head, planting his mug squarely on the floor. The really funny part is that Johnny Dooday, true to form for those worthless narcissists, still has the microphone against his kisser. Throw a Hollyweirdo off a plane equipped with a perfectly good parachute and he’ll still die because he’d have to let go of the microphone to pull the ripcord. But we digress…

Having made a quick inventory of his teeth and realizing that at least one is missing, Johnny Waaahwaaah then crawls back on his feet and hobbles off the stage with his shoulders slumped and his tail tucked firmly between his legs.

We swear: We laughed so hard we almost died. The only thing that would have been funnier would have been if the mic had been jammed through the jerk’s pie hole to the point where it was sticking out of the back of his head. Come on, it’s not like there’s anything in there that could possibly get hurt, so he’d be as right as rain once they hammered a cork in the hole. Nobody would ever notice the difference.

And of course the little pansy reports Danny for “felony battery”, which claim is promptly thrown out of court.

You’d think that even a creature as bereft of common sense as a Hollyweirdo whore would realize that the only charge that could possibly come of that incident, particularly with about 800 eyewitnesses AND camera footage, would be “felony sexual assault”, and it wouldn’t be Danny facing the music either. You would think that, and you would be guilty of overestimating the average IQ of a Hollyweirdo. Which, all things considered, isn’t all that hard to do. At least not if you like to work with positive numbers.

Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to go put a few stitches in our sides, because they just split wide open again.


Oh, and way to go, Danny. We like you more and more with each passing day.

Comments 33 Comments »

Oh, that widdle wascal Tom Harkin (D-Von Munchhausen) is already on the Smelly Harry bandwagon, lambasting that naughty Rush Limbaugh for mocking phony soldiers, saying that “maybe he [Rush - Emp.M.] was just high on his drugs again. I don’t know whether he was or not. If so, he ought to let us know. But that shouldn’t be an excuse.”

So tell us, Tommy, were you “high on your drugs again” when you were bragging about being an F-4/F-8 combat pilot in ‘Nam, er, flying combat sorties over Cuba, er, being a ferry pilot in Japan, flying clunkers from Atsugi to the P.I.?

Not that it would be an excuse, as you already pointed out, but we believe that the public needs to know.

Oh well, at least you weren’t on Sooper Sekrit hat-collecting missions to Cambodia in the Christmas of ‘68.

We TOLD you this was going to be funnier than a pack of rabid, AK-47 armed ferrets in a Berkeley U sorority house.


Comments 141 Comments »

OK, so it’s not exactly earth-shattering news and His Majesty is sure that John Cole will berate him for taking away attention from The Mess That Is Iraq™, followed by Rick Moran, who will ask him pointedly: “oh yeah, but has it won the war?”, but, then again, His Majesty couldn’t care less even with his Master’s Degree in Indifference from WhoGivesAShit U. We still like this little bit.

We remember when Gwen Stefani were told that her sinful infidel dress code was Too Sexy For Malaysia and she jumped into a burlap sack so fast that the seams almost tore. Granted, it also made us wonder, given her eagerness to do anything for money, how much money it would take to strip instead, but we digress.

So, even though Beyonce is somebody that we otherwise have absolutely no opinion of other than we’re happy that her music doesn’t make us want to reach for our guns, we have to tip our hat to her ever so slightly here.

If only our politicians had the same kind of spine as a clueless pop starlet, things might look a lot differently today. After all, “no” IS a perfectly acceptable answer, even if it might hurt the feelings of people who want to murder you in horrible ways.

Comments 11 Comments »

(H/t LC Cheapshot911)

Proof of cooperation between Iran and Syria in the proliferation and development of weapons of mass destruction was brought to light Monday in Jane’s Defence Weekly, which reported that dozens of Iranian engineers and 15 Syrian officers were killed in a July 23 accident in Syria.

Note to the Jerusalem Post: That’s not an “accident”, it’s called “The Hand of G-d.”

According to the report, cited by Channel 10, the joint Syrian-Iranian team was attempting to mount a chemical warhead on a Scud missile when the explosion occurred, spreading lethal chemical agents, including sarin nerve gas.

That’s horrible!!!

As far as we know, sarin kills quickly and painlessly. Bummer.

(UPDATE: Muzzy informs us in the comments that we may have our data screwed up on that last point:

Initial symptoms following exposure to sarin are a runny nose, tightness in the chest and constriction of the pupils. Soon after, the victim has difficulty breathing and experiences nausea and drooling. As the victim continues to lose control of bodily functions, he vomits, defecates and urinates. This phase is followed by twitching and jerking. Ultimately, the victim becomes comatose and suffocates in a series of convulsive spasms.

Thanks, Muzzy, you just saved our day and put a giant, shit-eating grin on our face! :D )

Syria began developing chemical weapons in 1973, just before the Yom Kipper War. cites the country as having one of the most advanced chemical weapons programs in the Middle East.

Yom Kippur is coming up this Saturday, by the way.

What a nice anniversary present for Pencilneck Assad and his goons.

So, liberals, do those WMDs exist, or are they also a figment of our imaginations? If so, that would make for a really nifty epitaph for the dead Syrians and Iranians: “Here Lie a Bunch of Thugs, Terrorists and Fuckwits, Killed by a Figment of the Neocons’ Imaginations.”

That rascal Assad. Pelosi and Kucinich sure do know how to pick their new bestest buddies, don’t they?

But don’t question their patriotism.

Comments 44 Comments »

We’re certainly sorry to see Tony Snow go and our Imperial prayers are with him in his continued battle with cancer, but now that the position will be open, it’s once again time to look for a replacement. Tough, feisty and undeterred as Tony is, we’re sure that he’d agree that “the show must go on.”

Fortunately, we still have the perfect candidate for the job, and you have to admit that his qualifications are spotless. Well, you can either admit it or have your entrails ripped from your living body by howling jackals. We’re all about choice in the Empire.

Not only would the Imperial Firearms Advisor make for the best WH Press Spokesman in the history of the United States, the sheer entertainment value of the briefings would make recordings of them a much sought after and valuable commodity centuries into the future.


Comments 14 Comments »

Even CAIR was not ready for THIS….. :)

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 19 Comments »

Thanks to LC Terrapod, the Imperial Dungeon Game Room™ now has to call in The Imperial Sanitation Crew™ to clean all of the spewed beverages off the floors, monitors & walls and then have them take our pissed-in pants to The Imperial Dry Cleaners™. Why all of the mess? We clicked on this link.

(Note: You have to watch the video.)

Comments 52 Comments »

First the Emperor’s Imperial Television decides to take a dump and quit. As I’ve been informed it’s at least fixable. Up next, we learn that the most gracious and lovely Empress’ Imperial Limousine also decides to initiate a job action and quits also (starter no-workee). The Imperial Clocktower™ is quite a few drachmas poorer as a result, but the transportation issue is resolved. The telly should be functional in short order, providing the necessary, however not immediately available parts arrive along with the repair technician.

So at that point the score is awww shit, times two.

But we’re not done yet. Not by a bit. Back to work for my third day to a critical assignment, away I depart in the Ambassador’s trusty (sometimes) sooper sekret spy-vehicle, northwards to the turd-world city otherwise known as Providence, RI. En route the pesky AC converter powering various, asundry devices necessary for my particular line of work, decides to begin incessant screaming, an indication of under-voltage. The laptop computer/GPS doesn’t like it either and goes into standby mode, depriving me of directions within the labyrinthine environs. I twiddle and diddle with the various plugs and wires to no avail. About this time I notice the “Battery Low Voltage” light on the instrument panel is locked in solid.

Not a “Good Thing”. Fortunately the alternator was producing sufficient voltage to allow the ignition system to continue it’s function, lest motivation via shanks-ponies would soon follow. Providence indeed allowed me to abort mission and RTB for repairs. I managed to get it to my local ace mechanic’s garage and lo and behold he has a light schedule today and repairs are in progress as I pen this tale of multiple misfortune and woe. Hopefully in the next few hours and $300 lighter in the bank account, the spy-car will be ready to swing into action once again. Oh did I forget to mention, this followed a battery replacement to the tune of another $75 on Saturday and overdue service at a unnamed lubricating services establishment with a $120 tab.

One day lost wages= Expensive
Automotive Repairs= Very Expensive
Blood Pressure= Astronomical
Shit/Funny Factor= Priceless

The good news should be, the Empire’s bad karma should be dissipated for this week anyway. Maybe.

Good Luck out there, and don’t forget that proper imprecations go a long way to alleviate the stress. When eating the shit-sandwiches of life, it’s best to take large bites, don’t chew and swallow quickly.


[Update #1: Obviously nothing is EVER easy. Seems not only did the alternator quit alternating, but in the process of doing so, burned the wiring harness from the battery. High amperage heat melts copper as well as steel (note to Rosie O’ Donuts). Of course it’s not a simple little piece of nice insulated wire but an entire harness. But wait there’s more, it’s a dealer item and not in stock locally. Wednesday for a delivery date, meaning, your’s truly will be running the tab more stratospheric, renting a vehicle while the other one sits, laughing at it’s owner. As Le Ann Rimes puts it, something’s gotta give. Shoot me. Just SHOOT ME. -JB]

[Update #2: G_d in his infinite wisdom, chose to have mercy on this poor recidivist sinner. My masterful mechanic managed to repair the damaged wiring at no extra charge, saving me an extra $100 on the replacement part. The Aston-Martin DB-Kia is ready to go back to work. But the score is still shit happens in Fours, see Spats comment #11 below. By the way, find a good local garage and mechanic whenever possible, you wouldn’t believe the dealership quote for that repair.-JB]

Comments 32 Comments »

Since we’re having a fun video Sunday around here, I thought you might appreciate this one, found over at Ace’s.

I’ve played it over and over and over again and I still can’t stop laughing!

UPDATE: It didn’t take long until the terrorist snuff propaganda hosts at YouTube took this one down (watching their terrorist friends get killed makes them cry, whereas they’ll happily post as much terrorist propaganda as they can lay their paws on), but thankfully we have LiveLeak as well. The video now works again.

Comments 63 Comments »