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Archive for the “Funny Shit” Category

Comments 24 Comments »

Sometimes you just can’t make this shit up.

Mistaken Ark. law would let toddlers wed

Being that it is Arkansas, home of the bent-appendage from Hope, the alleged mistake might not be all that far off their intentions.

A law passed this year allows Arkansans of any age — even infants — to marry if their parents agree, and the governor may have to call a special session to fix the mistake, lawmakers said Friday.

Now how cute would would this headline be: “The newly weds plan on a honeymoon visiting a nearby McDonald’s playland and will resume their kindergarten studies in the fall.”

The legislation was intended to establish 18 as the minimum age to marry but also allow pregnant teenagers to marry with parental consent, bill sponsor Rep. Will Bond said. An extraneous “not” in the bill, however, allows anyone who is not pregnant to marry at any age if the parents allow it.

They must be using recently fired editors from the Old Constipated Lady writing their legislation. But then again, the staff are no doubt gradeates from the Arkandsaw Publik Skools.

“It’s clearly not the intent to allow 10-year-olds or 11-year-olds to get married,” Bond said. “The legislation was screwed up.”

I should certainly hope so, what parent would give up a perfectly good tax deduction 7 or 8 years early?

The bill reads: “In order for a person who is younger than eighteen (18) years of age and who is not pregnant to obtain a marriage license, the person must provide the county clerk with evidence of parental consent to the marriage.”

A code revision commission — which fixes typographical and technical errors in laws — had tried to correct the mistake, but a group of legislators said Friday the commission went beyond its powers.

As in the commission exceeded it’s reading comprehension abilities?

“You’re either pregnant or you’re not pregnant,” Sen. Dave Bisbee said. “Rarely will that be a typographical error.”

The Senator also shows his lack of articulation, allowing that somewhere between preggers and not, there could be an error, unfortunately typography wouldn’t be involved.

The Arkansas Legislative Council asked the independent commission to reverse its correction. Several lawmakers said a special session may be necessary.

“We need a special session to fix this,” Sen. Sue Madison said. “I am concerned about pedophiles coming to Arkansas to find parents who are willing to sign a very young child’s consent.”

Sue, why not just put up new signs at all the state boundary crossings? I think most sentient beings would conclude that an absolutely disgusting situation like that could occur if left uncorrected. However, if that was the case, I think a quick visit to Judge Lynch would be in order for the pedophile and the parents consenting.

Before the new law took effect July 31, girls could get married with parental consent at 16 and boys at 17.

The Legislature formally adjourned its session in May and is not scheduled to meet again until January 2009, unless Gov. Mike Beebe calls a special session.

That’s OK, regardless of when you fix the issue, we’ll have a side-splitting laugh at your expense.

Comments 26 Comments »

The first Perfect Football Weekend™ ever to hit the Empire of the Rottweiler kicks off…

AUGUSTUS:  By Baal’s left nipple, can it get any cornier?

MERLIN:  Trust me, he’s just getting started.

LSIK&T:  Oh, pipe down, both of you.

…by noting that Adam “Pacman” Jones, late of the Tennessee Vince Youngs Titans, has another gig now that he’s been suspended for the year by the NFL:  Pro wrestling.

Yeah, you heard right:  Pro wrestling.

BRUTUSWe  had professional wrestling.  That  is called, I believe, “rasslin’”.

LSIK&T:  What-ever.

But here’s the kicker:  The Titans, obviously wanting to protect their investment for when Jones comes back, tried to take Pacman to court the other day to keep him from the possibility of physical contact - and thus, injury.  According to this story, they’ve come to an agreement whereby Pacman would not actually engage in any physical contact.


MERLIN:  True dat.

OZY MCCOOL:  What a weenie!

KORRIOTH:  You would know, wouldn’t you, whelp?


LSIK&T:  Awright, knock it off!

Jones’ Titans are in Foxboro Friday night to take on the Patriots.

Also Friday night, Fox has Minnesota at the NY J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets!, while ESPN has Miami traveling to Arrowhead this evening to play Kansas City’s Chiefs.  Sunday night, Madden & Michaels are in Baltimore to watch the Ravens host the New York Football Giants, and Monday night ESPN will have a rematch of last season’s Super Bowl as Da Bears are at Indy.

Saturday night, the Denver Broncos come to Texas Stadium to take on the Cowboys.  Jay Cutler has replaced Jake Plummer this year, for which Bronco fans are eminently grateful (Plummer having aptly demonstrated in 4 years why Arizona didn’t even want him).  Denver will pose a more adequate test for the Cowboys, as they feature a running game & a defense more closely resembling the ones Dallas will face in the NFC East.  Cowboy fans, yours truly included, will want to keep their eyes peeled for this one.

We’re back Tuesday for the recap.

(Psst, Rotties!  This is where you guys begin to talk smack, mkay?  And try not to bore me with the ancient Cowboys/police blotter crap, hm?  That was so 10 years ago, y’know?    )

Comments 79 Comments »

Dateline: Falmouth Heights, Massachusetts 8:50 pm EDT

Residents are currently being evacuated from the Buzzard’s Bay area from Hyannis to Falmouth on Cape Cod. Aerial observation from Cape Cod Coast Guard Air Station reported that the tsunami was accidentally generated by the Commodore “Oldsmobile” Kennedy demonstrating his famous cannon-full-of-gin-ball dive into the lagoon of the Kennedy Compound in Hyannisport. (Not that lagoon, Gilligan, look it up). Eyewitness observers surviving the event, described an odor of alcohol just prior to the Senator’s impact with the water’s surface. Seismographic readings taken at the Wood’s Hole Oceanographic Institute displayed the ’splashdown’ at 7.9 on the Richter scale, necessitating the tsunami warning. Large fish kills and marine mammal beachings are also expected by this unprecedented event. Mariners reported last seeing the Senator from Massivetwoshits swimming westward, mumbling about finding his car keys. Currently, a man’s hand with a ring similar to that worn by late Teamster President James Hoffa was also found by a bather, washed ashore, just prior to the tsunami warning. Scientists explained tsunami generation in close proximity to land, tends to push objects from the ocean bed shoreward.

Computer modeling predicts possible wave heights of up to 25 feet as the tsunami makes landfall. All residents are to directed to seek high-ground until further instructions are received.

In other local news, package stores throughout the area, reported the mysterious disappearance of all hard liquor from their shelves, sometimes during the Friday overnight period.

The A-I-R network has three reporters in the area and will bring our readers more information from this developing tragedy.

Comments 27 Comments »

Okay, all the bolding in the open thread has been fixed.

Let this be a lesson to you Rotties:  We are trained professionals…

CALIGULA:  Yeah, Right™.

CLAUDIUS:  (snnnnxxxxxxx!!!!!)


LSIK&T:  “Pkzip Peanut Gallery -a”


LSIK&TThank  you.

…do not try this at home.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled ranting.

Comments 25 Comments »

LC Jackboot IC/A-OBR is, as we’re sure you know, occasionally moonlighting at the Imperial Blog “The Cigar Intelligence Agency” where he fritters away his considerable talent for a ridiculously small fraction of the wealth we here at the Empire bestow upon him.

And, as is his wont, he hammers out one hit after another, such as this fine piece about the Obamessiah and his urge to fellate every two-bit tyrant, murderer and genocidal maniac on the planet. Do go read it. You’ll be glad that you did.

But Teh Funny™ really begins when suddenly, out of the nowhere that is all you’ll find between a libtard’s ears, a pingback appears on the post from a little Obamabot. “Ah, but surely she”, for a she it was, “was merely pointing out the hateful rhetoric from the wingnut right?”

That’s what I thought too, until I actually clicked back to the post from whence the pingback came and found nothing whatsoever indicating a disagreement with Jackboot’s fine evisceration. As a matter of fact, she even used his headline, “Barack Obama, Neville Chamberlain for the 21st Century” as a headline for her own post.

At long last it’s been confirmed. Being called “Neville Chamberlain”, the incompetent buffoon who is second only to Adolf Hitler in responsibility for WWII and the death and murder of millions, really is considered a compliment of the highest order among the ClueTarded Left.

Or maybe they’re just utterly ignorant of anything happening prior to last week’s episode of… Well, whatever it is that those twits watch on TV.

UPDATE: Upon further investigation, it looks like the site linking back to LC Jackboot is a strange new sort of site set up to automatically link to anything even mentioning the Obamessiah. “New” in the sense that it’s the first time we’ve seen one involved in politics. Usually they’re about penis enlargement and Viagra which, come to think of it, is still one heck of a lot more useful than Barack Hussein Obama.

Perhaps we should start sprinkling our more offensive posts, particularly the ones containing PhotoShops of a graphically sexual nature (as if we had any other kind) with a gratuitous mention of the Dumbo-Eared One’s Most Holy Name™? Just thinking out loud here.

Comments 26 Comments »

LC & IB Naviguesser sends us this article about Silky Pony McBreck Girl going, er, “bicycle riding.”

Dumont, Ia. — Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards squeezed into a pair of Spandex bike shorts today…

Be still, my projectile vomiting mind’s eye…

and pedaled on the RAGBRAI route with champion cyclist Lance Armstrong.

One nut between the two of them. Well, in the physiological sense. Actually two, but the difference is that Lance has one, whereas Silky Pony… You get the drift.

After riding from just north of Dumont to Kesley, Edwards wrapped his arms around a several riders from Team Killer Bees for a photo,

What can one possibly hope to accomplish in life after having already embraced a sweaty, Spandex-clad Silky Pony?

(CALIGULA: Soaking for several hours in a bleach-filled jacuzzi, my Liege?)

Quit ruining my jokes, Little Boot, or I’ll take all of your goats away from you again. By the way, who let you out of your quarters this time?

but declined be held aloft in their traditional sideways pose. “You’d drop me, then I couldn’t be president,” he joked.

Not to mention that you might mess up his immaculately coiffed hair.

Then he sat down in Kesley for a diet soda and a pork chop. “My second,” he said.

The candidate was sweaty after about a dozen miles, but there was no evidence of helmet hair.

No surprise. The Imperial Center For Nuclear Physics Research and Weapons Development recently classified his hairdo as a “Class A Direct Impact Shelter”, meaning that anything hiding beneath it would be capable of surviving a direct hit with a 50 kt device.

Edwards rode at an easy pace, about 10 to 12 mph, and chatted with riders about whatever issues they brought up — Darfur, taxes, Iowa farming.

None of them had the least interest in, I don’t know, bike riding, perhaps? Then again, we can’t say as we blame them since we don’t either.

Several riders inquired about Elizabeth Edwards’ health — she was diagnosed this year with a recurrence of breast cancer — and wished her well.

Their fundraising begging letters will be in their inboxes shortly, as several people meaning to wish her well on the campaign site found out not too long ago.

As the pack crammed together to let a car pass, Edwards wobbled a little and veered around a rider.

“This is an accident waiting to happen,” he said, and laughed.

Don’t wait too long. Besides, think of the fundraising potential if you were to get a boo-boo. Your wife will be on every news network within the hour, telling everybody how they need to send as much as they can to the Silky Pony campaign to put an end to bikeriding accidents forever.

Graduate student Allison Vos of Chapel Hill, N.C., told Edwards that people probably didn’t realize he was in the group of cyclists hanging back from those encircling the cycling champion.

“That’s just fine with me,” said Edwards, who had a chain grease “tattoo” on his right calf.

“We are only $20 away from ending chain grease tattoos for good” — Elizabeth “Organ Grinder Monkey” Edwards, writing for the Breck Girl Campaign.

“This is actually not hard, this is fun,” Edwards said as he climbed a hill on County Road T16 on a black Trek road bike he borrowed for the day. “The biggest problem is my butt hurts. Is that normal?”

No, Pink Sapphire, it isn’t. Then again, you probably shouldn’t have removed the saddle before you joined the ride. Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That™.

Justin Lyle, 10, from Morgan Hill, Calif. rode next to Armstrong for about a mile. “I asked him, ‘How you go pee on the Tour de France?’” Lyle said later. “He said it’s pretty hard, sometimes you have to hold it.”

Not to mention that those riders go so damn fast. You have to time it just right, or they’ll all be past you before the first drop hits.

Next time, Silky Pony, use some petroleum jelly.

Comments 39 Comments »

(Thanks to Sir Christopher)

SAN ANTONIO, Texas (Reuters) - Three people died and 14 were hurt on Monday when a sport utility vehicle crammed with 21 people,

Was there a circus in town?

most of them suspected illegal immigrants, crashed in Texas after a high-speed chase, police said.

The chase at speeds of 100 miles mph (161 kph) crossed two counties around San Antonio, 135 miles north of the Mexican border, before the vehicle blew a tire and flipped, police said.

Thank heavens no innocents were hurt.

Of the 21 occupants, only four, including the driver, were unhurt.

81% success rate? No, after reading on an almost daily basis about innocent civilians being mowed down in traffic by those illegal alien vermin, we really can’t muster much by way of fake sorrow or indignation. And, before the cries of outrage reach fever pitch, allow us to point out that if the illegal invaders in this story had bothered to follow the law in the first place, they’d be alive and well today, so suck my tailpipe.

The driver was arrested at the scene and will be charged with capital murder, which carries a possible death penalty under Texas law, San Antonio Police Sgt. Gabe Trevino said.

At least until Jorge Arbusto and his special boyhood “friend” Johnny (S)mutton find out, at which point they’ll move Heaven and Earth to get the officers sent away to a federal pen for a decade or two for doing their jobs, while making sure that the 18 survivors get a few hundred million dollars of the U.S. taxpayers’ money.

U.S. immigration officials were helping police identify the driver and his passengers, most of whom lacked documents, officers said. Most were believed to be from Mexico.

Really? Are you sure that they weren’t just a busload of innocent Hungarian folk dancers that just so happened to make a wrong turn in Budapest?

Comments 34 Comments »

Okay, so I’m enjoying a brief respite from my hectic schedule as a PC repair-type guy when a ticket comes in:

Client states that her local printer will not power on. Client states that the printer was working fine on Tuesday. She states that she has tried plugging the printer into another location but this has not worked. Please ensure that the printer is connected properly.

So, after lunch, I drive to the location.  Find the customer.

“Aw, man, no, this printer will not work at all  and I’ve tried everything and can you pleeeeeeeeze fix it…”

Ad infinitum, ad-friggin’-nauseam.

Start at the back of the printer.  Connected.  Trace the cord down to the AC power brick.  It’s not connected to the power cord.  Connect it.

Start pulling the power cord.  It’s not hooked into the wall.  Plug it in.  Printer comes on immediately.

Customer’s jaw hits the floor.  And with a straight face (and I swear to Cthulu, that was the hardest part - keeping the straight face), I say “thank you” and walk out the door back to my car.

And for this, I get paid about $45K annually. 

Comments 55 Comments »

LC 0311 Crunchie went hog-hunting with a few friends in order to have proper food for a party for his son who is off to join the Corps, and a great time was had by all. Well, except for the hog, of course, who didn’t much appreciate the stabbing, but that was her problem.

And, being the faithful souls that they are, they naturally brought a koran with them for spiritual guidance. But what to do once the hunt is over?

If you’ve got a koran and a dead hog, what could you possibly come up with?

Well, for one thing, you should most certainly cover up the horrible wound in the poor piggy, lest you offend some sensitive soul passing by:

Of course, that might lead to a bit of a mess:

Let’s see how absorbent those patented asswipes of allah’s really are:

Oh great, now we’ve got this pig-blood-soaked koran and nowhere to stick it… Hey, wait a minute! Let’s stick it in here!

See? Playing with books is fun, boys and girls!

Now go and do likewise.

Comments 79 Comments »