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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Archive for Journaljizzm
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Archive for the “Journaljizzm” Category

This just in via PMSNBC:

Bin Laden may have just escaped U.S. forces

Our forces have invaded HELL???


Comments 36 Comments »

From The Globe and Mail:

THE PRESIDENT of the United States from 2008 to 2012 will be one of the following three people: Hillary Clinton, Rudy Giuliani or Mitt Romney.

It’s rather early in the election season for such pointed speculation. But a look at the situation reveals that the prediction is not all that chancy.

It is now almost certain that Mrs. Clinton is going to be the Democratic nominee. Fred Thompson is the most likely choice for the Republican nomination, but he could not beat Hillary Clinton in the fall.

Mr. Giuliani and Mr. Romney are the only two Republicans with a shot at the nomination who could defeat Hillary Clinton.

Republican candidate Sam Brownback, a dark horse, said the other day that if the Republicans nominate Mr. Thompson it’s political suicide. He’s right. Most polls show that, going head-to-head against Mrs. Clinton, Mr. Thompson would lose by 2-1. The former Tennessee Senator would be the Barry Goldwater of 2008. He is too right-wing to appeal to enough moderates to win and he is too prone to incredible gaffes.

Does this sound familiar? It should, for more than one reason, because it’s a rerun that we changed the text of a bit to make it current. Here’s the original, courtesy of LC & IB Bill Quick:

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 20 Comments »

The Main Stream Midiots are, once again, stoking the fires of anti-gun hysteria and, as always, they manage to get pretty much exactly everything wrong, leaving the Imperial Firearms Advisor with the duty of setting the morons straight — AGAIN.

Which, we must say, always makes for a highly enjoyable read.

[EXEUNT, humming “Nobody Does it Better”]

Comments 12 Comments »

Apparently his new ‘pay-per-view’ gig isn’t working out all that well for him, because now Ol’ Danny Boy is out there with his hat in his hand, playing the judicial lottery in hopes of the Big Jackpot (thanks to Sir Christopher and LC Darth Bacon):

NEW YORK (AP) — Dan Rather filed a $70 million lawsuit Wednesday against CBS, alleging the network made him a “scapegoat” for a discredited story about President Bush’s National Guard service.

Who was the anchor trumpeting that “fake but accurate” load of steer shit who wouldn’t let go and, as far as we know, to this day maintains that the story was true, in spite of overwhelming evidence that it’s as ridiculously fabricated as, well, pretty much any news item in the NYT?

If you want to sue anybody, go get a mirror and start serving yourself, you doddering old dimplebrain.

The 75-year-old Rather, whose final months were clouded by controversy over the report, says the complaint stems from “CBS’ intentional mishandling” of the aftermath of the story.

Translation: Danny is upset that corporate decided NOT to throw out whatever remained of the entire network’s credibility in order to save the sorry arse of one deluded, manic/compulsive old goat with tunnel vision. In other words: He’s suing them for being at least moderately good businessmen.

How about suing the schizophrenic nutjob that fed you the bullshit story in the first place, Gunga Dan?

Oh how I revel in your misery, you silly old fart. Keep it up, please, and I may one day have one of my fondest dreams come true when I see you selling pencils on a street corner.

Comments 21 Comments »

Late to the show on this one, but LC readerjp sends us this one about the latest outbreak of Sudden Jihad Syndrome™ where a completely innocent choir boy suddenly, inexplicably decides to act like one of the clowns that we blow up in the Middle East on a daily basis:

His face painted black, Houssein Zorkot entered a park in east Dearborn Sept. 8, cocked an AK47 he had bought the same day, and then tried to flee police after they confronted him, authorities say.

Were those the actions of a confused young man or those of a potential terrorist with ill intentions?

Gee, you tell me, because I’m utterly confused here. What on EARTH would possess a perfectly normal young Arab male to go do something like that? Is he one of them extremist Presbyterians we always hear about, perhaps?

Dearborn authorities say it’s unclear what Zorkot, a 26-year-old medical student from Dearborn, was up to when he was in Hemlock Park armed with the AK47 he had purchased about 1 p.m. that day.

Arab male between the age of 18 and 40, just bought an AK-47, muslim… I dunno. I got nothin’.

Hunting squirrel, perhaps?

The FBI and police are investigating Zorkot, who appears sympathetic to Hizballah, a terrorist group.

The mystery deepens. Could he be? Nah, that would be too obvious.

But for now, they’ve found no direct links between him and any terrorist organization, Dearborn Mayor John O’Reilly Jr. said.

Well, if he doesn’t have his holographed, magnetic stripe al-Qaeda membership card on him, then we can obviously rule out terrorist intentions. After all, we all know that no real terrorist leaves home without that!

The same day he was arrested, Zorkot appears to have posted photos of soldiers on a Web site. The text reads: “The Start of My Personal Jihad (in the US).”

But what could that possibly mean? It could mean anything! Let’s not jump to conclusions and assume that it means “The Start of My Personal Jihad (in the US).” That would be downright un-nuanced of us. Not to mention dangerous!

According to Dearborn Mayor “Jack” O“Reilly, Jr., the release of information about the case was delayed until after Zarkot’s arraignment and late in the day that marked the anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. City officials feared that announcing the arrest of an armed Arabic man so close to anniversary of the attack would stir anti-Muslim sentiments and fan the flames of terrorism.

”We didn’t want this to become more than it is,“ O’Reilly said. ”There are certain things that the media latches onto, and this would have turned into a story about terrorism. That’s not the kind of tone we want to set.“

By all means let’s not start giving people the impression that we’re at war with a bunch of psychotic, murderous swine who are living among us, planning to kill, maim and mutilate any chance they get.

It might hurt somebody’s feelings, and then The Terrorists Would Have Already Won™.

Good GRIEF, we’re being run by a bunch of feckless fuckwits with the IQ of an overboiled leek.

Comments 55 Comments »

Looks like we spoke too soon when we applauded the BBC for promptly removing what they said was an “old page” that was extremely offensive, because they’ve now put up a “new” version that they stand behind completely. A “new” version that, oddly enough, is exactly identical to the old one.

The way America has got involved in conflicts in regions like the Middle East has made some people very angry, including a group called al-Qaeda - who are widely thought to have been behind the attacks.
In the past, al-Qaeda leaders have declared a holy war - called a jihad - against the US. As part of this jihad, al-Qaeda members believe attacking US targets is something they should do.

When the attacks happened in 2001, there were a number of US troops in a country called Saudi Arabia, and the leader of al-Qaeda, Osama Bin Laden, said he wanted them to leave.

The usual yahoos and dimbulbs show up in Stop the ACLU’s comments, wailing and moaning that it’s “factually accurate”, so what’s so offensive about it?

Well, how to explain it to a lifeform with the IQ of a cup of soggy beef jerky? We know (thanks, commenter John Rohan), let’s rewrite the BBC’s “factually accurate” first sentence, shall we?

“The way the Jews had succeeded in business, finance and higher education had made some people very angry, including a party called “The National Socialist Workers’ Party of Germany” - who are widely thought to be behind the murder of 6 million Jews.”

Hey, it’s factually accurate, morons. So we suppose that it isn’t in the least offensive to you either, right?

The sad thing is that it probably isn’t.

Finally, remind us to never, ever again assume that the BBC is capable of any action indicative of basic morals, intelligence or journalistic ethics.

Comments 11 Comments »

But only if you’re a treasonous organization of smear-merchants calling our decorated officers traitors.

At least, that’s our interpretation. If we’re wrong, and the 61% discount that got from the New York Slimes on their “Betray Us” ad applies to all comers, then we’ve got a few ideas for full-page ads that we’d like to run too.

Oh, and isn’t a rate cut like that to a political organization considered a political contribution?

That’s not quite kosher according to the law, is it, New York Slimes?

Where are all the lawyers when we really need them?

UPDATE: Apparently the Fabulous New York Slimes Ad Discount™ doesn’t apply to all comers.

A Post reporter who called the Times advertising department yesterday without identifying himself was quoted a price of $167,000 for a full-page black-and-white ad on a Monday.

Guess we’ll just have to learn to live with Some Animals Being More Equal Than Others™ at the famously unbiased New York Slimes and find some other way of getting our Evil Right Wing Death Beast Message out.


Comments 160 Comments »

You may be able to come up with a more convincing endorsement of the Hummer (no, the CAR, you naughty plebes!), but this whiny socialist fuckwad’s lament makes His Imperial Highness want to rush out and buy FOUR of them, even if he had to donate his kids’ kidneys to pay for it, which he most assuredly would (link thanks to LC Darth Bacon):

One struggles to think of a worse vehicle at a worse time. Introduced shortly after 9/11 — an event whose causes were tangled in America’s unquenchable thirst for oil

And he hits the Moonbat High “C” right off the bat, blaming 9/11, not on the terrorist swine murdering 3,000 Americans by using civilian airliners as cruise missiles, but on Us Evil Americans and our insistence on driving cars larger than the average snuff box.

Just in case you didn’t get it, the clownshoes of Time Magazine believe that you are to blame for 9/11 if you drive anything bigger than a VW Beetle. Keep that in mind when the time comes for renewing your subscription.

— the Hummer H2 sent all the wrong signals. It was/is arrogantly huge,

Not quite as “arrogantly huge” as one of the Gorebecile’s Gulfstreams, though, but let’s not talk about that.

overtly militaristic,

Major selling point right there, if you ask us. But we wouldn’t spring for an H2. Too crammed with civilian claptrap for our tastes. We’d go with an original purchased from an Army auction instead.

openly scornful of the common good.

You just can’t hope to get employed by the Marxist MSM if you don’t wail about the “common good” at least once a paragraph. The “common good” meaning, of course, whatever the self-anointed socialist elite have decided that is good for you, while meticulously avoiding placing any such restrictions on their hypocritical selves.

As a vehicle choice, the H2 was a spiteful reactionary riposte to notions that, you know, maybe we all shouldn’t be driving tanks that get 10 miles per gallon.

Beautiful way of shoving it in the face of patchouli-reeking, holier-than-thou snotweasels such as yourself too. And, as an added bonus, the inside of the H2’s cabin hardly trembles enough for your coffee to spill when you drive it over a Pious. What’s not to love?

Not surprisingly, the green-niks struck back. A Hummer dealership was torched in Southern California.

Right after blaming the deaths of 3,000 innocent Americans on people driving cars bigger than a roller skate, the Time hack proceeds to give a nod of approval to domestic terrorism.

Charming outfit, aren’t they? We suppose they won’t mind much if us “war-niks” “strike back” by locking the entire staff of Time inside corporate HQ and torch the building, then? We can bring marshmallows to offset the wasteful CO2 emissions made by the conflagration, if it will make your screaming deaths easier to endure.

The H2 was also a PR catastrophe for GM, who happened to be repossessing and crushing the few EV1 electric cars at the time. It all contributed to GM’s emerging image as the Dick Cheney of car companies.

And what a horror of PR nightmares it was too! The entire tofu-munching, unemployable, bicycle-riding hippie demographic GONE. OverNIGHT! Sales fucking plummeted!

Oh, and thanks for including the obligatory Dick Cheney reference, Time. If you hadn’t, we’d have had to give you a handful of demerits for messing up your catechism.


Comments 49 Comments »

Since nobody’s ever going to offer us the job, we’ve decided to just go ahead and take it anyway. We are Emperor, after all. So move over, Tony, we’ll field the questions for this one:

Be seated, morons, and don’t speak unless invited to. Things are going to be run a bit differently around here from now on, and we strongly suggest that you adapt quickly. That ditch that is being dug outside isn’t a fancy moat, you know. Now, the first question?

“Is the administration trying to get GAO to revise some of their assessments in their Iraq report?”

No. The Pentagon, however, having now read the draft report from the GAO and managed to stop laughing hysterically, are having a cordial meeting with the GAO down the hall. Way down the hall. It would appear that there were a few inaccuracies in the draft that the people who actually have people on the ground in Iraq would like to — address prior to publication. Some areas were less than accurate.

“In what area?”

Hard at hearing? You’ll note, if you rewind that little tape recorder that you obviously have no idea what to do with, that I said “areas.” That’s plural for “area.” As to what specific areas, I’d strongly suggest that you talk to the Pentagon. I suppose that I could get a list, but I don’t expect that we would have time to go through it.

“The administration, or the White House is not very enthusiastic about this report — is that correct?”

First you claim to know what the White House thinks, then you ask me if it’s correct. Make up your mind. Are you, or are you NOT Miss Cleo?

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 19 Comments »

(Via LC & IB Bill Quick)

CAMP PENDLETON, Calif., Aug. 29 — Last December, when the Marine Corps charged four infantrymen with killing Iraqi civilians in Haditha, Iraq, in 2005, the allegation was as dark as it was devastating: after a roadside bomb had killed their buddy, a group of marines rampaged through nearby homes, massacring 24 innocent people.

In Iraq and in the United States, the killings were viewed as cold-blooded vengeance.

Correction: Among terrorists in Iraq and their sympathizers in the Fifth Column Media and the Dem Cong (yes, Jack Murthafucker, I’m talking about you, among others), the killings were viewed as cold-blooded vengeance.

The rest of us were crazy enough to await the results of the investigation prior to getting the rope, gallows and blindfolds ready.

After a perfunctory military investigation, Haditha was brushed aside, but once the details were disclosed, the killings became an ugly symbol of a difficult, demoralizing war.

Actually, as the details become disclosed, the Stalinesque Show Trial became an ugly symbol of a baying pack of hyenas eager to paint our troops as bloodthirsty, savage beasts and the child-murdering terrorists they fight as poor, oppressed, misunderstood little babies “fighting” to liberate “their” country. How Syrians, Iranians, Somalis and Saudis are supposed to liberate their home countries by blowing up bazaars in Baghdad is anybody’s guess, not to mention that we’d like to know who it is that they’re allegedly liberating Syria, Iran, Somalia and Saudi Arabia from.

After a fuller investigation, the Marines promised to punish the guilty.

Come on, you whining, backstabbing Quisling, name one investigation, just ONE, in which the Marines haven’t promised to punish the guilty if they found any. That’s sort of the whole idea behind investigations, military and otherwise, you know. Find out if somebody did something wrong and is hence guilty of something, then give them a fair trial and punish them if found guilty.

But that’s not good enough for the al-Jazeera on the Hudson, is it? Oh no, you’ll determine who’s guilty ahead of the investigation (with a little help from the likes of Jack “Arnold” Murthafucker), then sentence them and demand that the sentence be carried out yesterday in order for “justice” to be served.

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 27 Comments »