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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Archive for Life in the Empire
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Archive for the “Life in the Empire” Category

Since LC Crunchie has already broken the news in comments, I can now do so myself without violating any code and stealing his thunder:

As of yesterday, LC Crumb Crunchie is no longer a lowly Boot and Maggot, he is now a fully-fledged, honest to G-d, ass-kicking and name-taking U.S. Marine!

I know that LC Crunchie, a Marine himself, is about to bust with pride (as well he should be!), and I want to add that I myself couldn’t be prouder if he were my own. Our Boot is now Our Marine.

And not only that, reliable sources have it that his PLT did so well that they have a really good shot at becoming Honor PLT. We await confirmation on that, but we wouldn’t be surprised to learn that it’s true.

Of course, graduation also means (in case you’re reading this, Mag… Marine!), that the easy days of lazing around on the beautiful beaches of Paradise Island, sipping Piña Coladas and ogling the local beauties are over. It is now time to work for the lavish pay that Uncle Sam has seen fit to award you with, but I expect you to excel at that as well.

You are Our Marine, after all.

Congrats, Crumb Crunchie, USMC, OO-RAH! and, of course:

SEMPER FI!

Comments 46 Comments »

I am currently (well, whenever I can find a minute, which is hard these days) busy reading SSgt David Bellavia’s “House to House”, a first-hand account of the fighting in Fallujah, that, full disclosure alert, Simon & Schuster were kind enough to offer me a review copy of (they know me and my tastes too well).

Expect a full review shortly, but so far I’m liking it a lot. Until then, you might want to take a look at this interview with the author along with some background.

Comments 18 Comments »

Since nobody’s ever going to offer us the job, we’ve decided to just go ahead and take it anyway. We are Emperor, after all. So move over, Tony, we’ll field the questions for this one:

Be seated, morons, and don’t speak unless invited to. Things are going to be run a bit differently around here from now on, and we strongly suggest that you adapt quickly. That ditch that is being dug outside isn’t a fancy moat, you know. Now, the first question?

“Is the administration trying to get GAO to revise some of their assessments in their Iraq report?”

No. The Pentagon, however, having now read the draft report from the GAO and managed to stop laughing hysterically, are having a cordial meeting with the GAO down the hall. Way down the hall. It would appear that there were a few inaccuracies in the draft that the people who actually have people on the ground in Iraq would like to — address prior to publication. Some areas were less than accurate.

“In what area?”

Hard at hearing? You’ll note, if you rewind that little tape recorder that you obviously have no idea what to do with, that I said “areas.” That’s plural for “area.” As to what specific areas, I’d strongly suggest that you talk to the Pentagon. I suppose that I could get a list, but I don’t expect that we would have time to go through it.

“The administration, or the White House is not very enthusiastic about this report — is that correct?”

First you claim to know what the White House thinks, then you ask me if it’s correct. Make up your mind. Are you, or are you NOT Miss Cleo?

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 19 Comments »

After many calls, emails, and Yahoo instant message questions, I can unequivocally state that all is well with His Sithiness, Emperor Misha I, and family. What with all the minor details of moving the Palace, executions of recalcitrant servants and staff, sighting in all approaches into the security zone, planting mines and claymores (yes, the shipment arrived), there has been no time left for the normal avalanche of fine posts here at the Rott from da’ Boss.

Furthermore, the task of actually making a living, that even our Emperor is forced to submit to, is beginning to pile up.

I’ve been in direct contact, via secure channels with the Palace and all is well at the Imperial Clocktower™.

Thanks to our loyal readers for the concern and the rest of the Imperial Staph will do our best to keep a multitude of rants, raves and fisks of the first-order coming daily. Trust me, we’ll return to assimilation of the blogosphere quite soon at full strength.

END MESSAGE-JB SENDS-NO CARRIER @%#$$%^^&^&&&@######

Comments 19 Comments »

Just wanted you all to know that our very own LC & IB Brendan and member of Management™ is back at home after surgery and is mending quite well.

What was originally supposed to be a routine operation got complicated somewhat (British Understatement™ there) by a raging, migrating infection. Thankfully, he had two of the very best docs Down Under attending to him, so it was brought under control and beaten down with a very large stick (and some antibiotics too, if my sources are correct) and now, after an unexpected extra two weeks in the hospital, he’s back at home recovering. You can’t keep a good man down, especially not one who is strong with the Dark Side of the Force.

If you have any good thoughts and a line to the Man Upstairs, I’m sure they’d be appreciated.

Welcome back, Brendan, and get well soon!

Comments 32 Comments »

First the Emperor’s Imperial Television decides to take a dump and quit. As I’ve been informed it’s at least fixable. Up next, we learn that the most gracious and lovely Empress’ Imperial Limousine also decides to initiate a job action and quits also (starter no-workee). The Imperial Clocktower™ is quite a few drachmas poorer as a result, but the transportation issue is resolved. The telly should be functional in short order, providing the necessary, however not immediately available parts arrive along with the repair technician.

So at that point the score is awww shit, times two.

But we’re not done yet. Not by a bit. Back to work for my third day to a critical assignment, away I depart in the Ambassador’s trusty (sometimes) sooper sekret spy-vehicle, northwards to the turd-world city otherwise known as Providence, RI. En route the pesky AC converter powering various, asundry devices necessary for my particular line of work, decides to begin incessant screaming, an indication of under-voltage. The laptop computer/GPS doesn’t like it either and goes into standby mode, depriving me of directions within the labyrinthine environs. I twiddle and diddle with the various plugs and wires to no avail. About this time I notice the “Battery Low Voltage” light on the instrument panel is locked in solid.

Not a “Good Thing”. Fortunately the alternator was producing sufficient voltage to allow the ignition system to continue it’s function, lest motivation via shanks-ponies would soon follow. Providence indeed allowed me to abort mission and RTB for repairs. I managed to get it to my local ace mechanic’s garage and lo and behold he has a light schedule today and repairs are in progress as I pen this tale of multiple misfortune and woe. Hopefully in the next few hours and $300 lighter in the bank account, the spy-car will be ready to swing into action once again. Oh did I forget to mention, this followed a battery replacement to the tune of another $75 on Saturday and overdue service at a unnamed lubricating services establishment with a $120 tab.

One day lost wages= Expensive
Automotive Repairs= Very Expensive
Blood Pressure= Astronomical
Shit/Funny Factor= Priceless

The good news should be, the Empire’s bad karma should be dissipated for this week anyway. Maybe.

Good Luck out there, and don’t forget that proper imprecations go a long way to alleviate the stress. When eating the shit-sandwiches of life, it’s best to take large bites, don’t chew and swallow quickly.

F.E.T.E.

[Update #1: Obviously nothing is EVER easy. Seems not only did the alternator quit alternating, but in the process of doing so, burned the wiring harness from the battery. High amperage heat melts copper as well as steel (note to Rosie O’ Donuts). Of course it’s not a simple little piece of nice insulated wire but an entire harness. But wait there’s more, it’s a dealer item and not in stock locally. Wednesday for a delivery date, meaning, your’s truly will be running the tab more stratospheric, renting a vehicle while the other one sits, laughing at it’s owner. As Le Ann Rimes puts it, something’s gotta give. Shoot me. Just SHOOT ME. -JB]

[Update #2: G_d in his infinite wisdom, chose to have mercy on this poor recidivist sinner. My masterful mechanic managed to repair the damaged wiring at no extra charge, saving me an extra $100 on the replacement part. The Aston-Martin DB-Kia is ready to go back to work. But the score is still shit happens in Fours, see Spats comment #11 below. By the way, find a good local garage and mechanic whenever possible, you wouldn’t believe the dealership quote for that repair.-JB]

Comments 32 Comments »

Just got FiOS installed yesterday and whaddayaknow, the TV chooses today to die on me. Dead as a doornail. Out for the count. Not turning on.

Well, I guess I’m off to pull tricks in bathhouses until I can buy a new one. Right after I get done cursing fate for about six hours straight.

Life… Oh, how I hate it.

Comments 39 Comments »

Since the Imperial Staff™ is apparently taking the week off, it befalls His Highness himself to fill up the front page with some boring stuff that nobody will want to read anyway.

The nasty bit where one moves the heavy shit is now well over after a weekend of, shall we say, endless reschedules. Turns out the movers hadn’t quite expected that anybody could cram that much junk into a relatively small space. We had to chuckle when we saw the size of the trailer they showed up with but, to their credit, they managed to squeeze almost everything in there. It’s the “almost” that caused a problem, because when they were done, it was getting awful late.

Splendid fellows that they were, they took it in stride and agreed to show up the next day Sunday and finish the job. No extra charges or anything, and they did. This time without the trailer, which caused them to have to make two trips. THEN they volunteered to haul the 24 ton furniture up to the loft Imperial Command Station, presumably because they felt sorry for me (the Imperial Bodyguard had the day off, so it wasn’t the menace of 6′5″ hulks bristling with automatic weaponry that convinced them). Needless to say, those fine citizens of the Empire were heavily tipped.

Then there was the dishwasher incident, which caused a fair bit of distress in Her Highness’ otherwise calm demeanor when she realized that the confounded thing wouldn’t come on no matter what. Later on, after having lined up our agents and legal eagles for action first thing Monday, I found out that there was a curious wall switch that didn’t seem to do anything. Except for establishing power to the dishwasher, that is. Seriously, who in their right MIND has a separate wall switch for power to the dishwasher? So it was back on the phone for me telling everybody that, er, well, er, nevermind the bit about harassing the previous owners, m’kay?

And then, of course, there’s this whole “you think you have everything you need until you actually arrive, then you realize that you don’t, necessitating several trips to the local supercenter” thing that seems to follow anybody who has ever moved around. The Imperial Checkbook is getting quite the workout, let me tell you.

While we’re on that subject, thank you SO much for the donations and a special thank you to LC Jackboot for arranging the logistics of the whole thing!! Really, you guys are completely and utterly awesome, and neither me nor the Empress can ever thank you ENOUGH! They’ve sure hit a dry spot. G-d (or your preferred deity, if any) Bless You ALL!

So what’s left?

Well, there’s still a lot of “stragglers” (meaning weird small stuff that you never knew you had until you moved the furniture) left behind at the old place that needs to be rounded up, thrown in boxes and hauled off (Spats, expect a call ;-) ), and then all that’s needed is to call the Corps of Engineers to have the place cleaned out, fumigated and detoxed.

And Thursday the Intertubes, phone and TV come on at the new palace. Yay! (I’m typing this from the almost empty previous domicile).

Aren’t you happy I told you all of this?

Comments 42 Comments »

LCs, lemme borrow you guys fer a second.  Got a quextion (a little…well, it’s somebody’s  lingo, there) fer ye.

As you may or may not know, every fall the Realm™ (that’s my little corner of the Blogosphere™ for you newbies) has a weekly feature called the Perfect Football Weekend™ (if you want to learn more about it, go here; if you want to see the first installment for 2007, click on this link), where I track my four or five favorite football teams.

Here’s the interrogative:  If I were to cross-post the thing over here, say, every Friday or thereabouts, would you want to participate therein?  (Yeah, I know - I should just be begging you fine LCs to just come over there and read it, but I do that enough as it is.)

(NOTE:  By “participate”, I mean you talk your best smack about your favorite football teams.  For example, LC John Wardle will want to talk about the Washington Redskins; Humble Devildog will extol the virtues of the Wisconsin Badgers (affectionately known far & wide as “Bucky”), and we can all laugh at take pity on BC’s Tampa Bay Yuckaneers.  (They do  have Chris Simms for a quarterback, after all. (grin)))

UPDATE:  Oops.  Maybe not.  I forgot - did Simms ever recover from that perforated kidney?

Update the 2nd:  Okay, make that a ruptured spleen.

Discuss.

Update the 3rd:  LC Robert Huntingdon makes a bodacious point when he notes that:

so long as we all understand in advance that insulting language towards other teams is a given

Therefore, let it become an Imperial Edict™ (and since I’m the Imperial Sgt-at-Arms, I can do that):  Carryeth not any venom from a PFW thread into any other thread.

Consider it the Las Vegas rule:  What happens here, stays  here.

Thatisall™.

Comments 74 Comments »

My timing is just perfect, as always.

I’ve been struggling with some minor abdominal discomfiture for the last two days and, thinking that it was just one of those “something I ate/24 hour stomach flu/too much cheese on the pizza” things, I just did what I usually do and waited for it to pass. And, as a matter of fact, it did become marginally more comfortable yesterday afternoon, so I fully expected it to be gone today.

Not so. After a long night of waking up in pain, going back to sleep, waking up again etc., it ended up being worse this morning.

So it’s off to the doc for me which, of course, means that the Empire will continue to suck mightily.

I think I’ll go cry now.

Comments 34 Comments »