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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Archive for Weirdness
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Archive for the “Weirdness” Category

Filed under the “Headlines That Write Themselves” category…

LC & Imperial Back-slidden Jooish Cuisinartiste™, Darth Bacon, mined and sent us this little gem from The City of Brotherly Hoodlumery™.

Feel free to write your own headlines.

F.E.T.E.

Comments 21 Comments »

I put kind of a twist on today’s music pick — comparing the same song done by two different people twenty years apart.

Which one was better — and why?

Comments 34 Comments »

For years, the Nutroots have been trying to tell us that Evil Scientists of the BushHitlerHalliburtonCheneyJooos Conspiracy™ are tinkering with the weather to Kill Black Peepul!™, and now it turns out that they were absolutely right (link thanks to Sir Christopher):

Scientists have made a breakthrough in man’s desire to control the forces of nature – unveiling plans to weaken hurricanes and steer them off course, to prevent tragedies such as Hurricane Katrina.

Rrrrright! We all know, the Un-Reality-Based Community of Tinfoiled Twats tell us so, that they’re doing it to cause tragedies! And then they send in the Air National Guard to blow up the levees! Or something.

The damage done to New Orleans in 2005 has spurred two rival teams of climate experts, in America and Israel, to redouble their efforts to enable people to play God with the weather.

We suppose that people building flood levees along major rivers are “playing G-d with nature” as well. Better to just let the floods drown everybody. Because Mother Gaia Wills It So!™

Under one scheme, aircraft would drop soot into the near-freezing cloud at the top of a hurricane, causing it to warm up and so reduce wind speeds. Computer simulations of the forces at work in the most violent storms have shown that even small changes can affect their paths – enabling them to be diverted from major cities.

Soot? SOOT???? But, but, millions of women and children will immediately choke to death as a result! Who will pay for the carbon offsets? The world’s oceans will rise by 2, er 5, er 7,000 feet overnight! Will somebody PLEASE Think of the Childreeeeeennnnnn!™

And, obviously, that scourge of mankind, the plague that has been haunting civilization ever since we got the idea to start one:

The MIT team has now hired a professor of risk management to advise on steps necessary to protect themselves from legal action by communities affected if a hurricane is diverted. It is pressing for changes to US law and for an international treaty to settle possible disputes between neighbouring countries.

Lawyers, of course. You can’t take a dump nowadays without finding at least two of the slimy bottom feeders swimming around in the bowl, sifting through your feces to find something actionable.

Mr Alamaro said: “The social and legal issues are daunting. If a hurricane were coming towards Miami with the potential to cause damage and kill people, and we diverted it, another town or village hit by it would sue us. They’ll say the hurricane is no longer an act of God, but that we caused it.”

Er, Mr. Alamaro? They’re already doing that, so there’s really not much of a difference there.

It’s All Bush’s Fault™ anyway.

Comments 18 Comments »

Thanks to Sir Christopher, we learn that the bean sprouts of New Zealand have discovered the Greek classics. Or, at the very least, one Greek classic:

A new phenomenon in New Zealand is taking the idea of you are what you eat to the extreme.

Vegansexuals are people who do not eat any meat or animal products, and who choose not to be sexually intimate with non-vegan partners whose bodies, they say, are made up of dead animals.

So much for our life-long fantasy of being vigorously abused by a bony vegan of indeterminate secondary sexual characteristics. (In case you clicked on the link above, the Imperial Department of Xenobiology informs us that they have a 79% confidence that the specimen on the left is the female of the two in the picture. Then again, they do have access to some seriously high tech equipment and the largest database in the known universe).

The co-director of the New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies at Canterbury University, Annie Potts, said she coined the term after doing research on the lives of “cruelty-free consumers”.

Personally, we can’t think of anything more cruel than constantly being a pain in the arse when eating out, forcing everybody else to choose between either eating at the “Tofu Turducken” or listening to a stick insect whine, piss and moan for the entire meal about how there’s never anything on the menu for a poor vegan to eat. Here, eat one of the potted plants, you freak.

Actually, the sadistic pleasure they take in ruining everybody else’s perfectly good time with their endless sermonizing, histrionics and general lack of congeniality is one of the few things that His Majesty finds endearing about vegans but, then again, we are a sadist.

Where were we? Oh yes, “vegansexuals”, defined by the old Imperial Encyclopedia Galactica as “somebody who likes to have wild, reckless sex with cacti.” We guess we’ll have to submit an update for that entry now.

Cruelty-Free Consumption in New Zealand: A National Report on the Perspectives and Experiences of Vegetarians and other Ethical Consumers asked 157 people nationwide about everything from battery chickens to sexual preferences.

Sex with battery-operated chickens? So, tell us, which planet is this “New Zealand” on anyways? We may have to set up a planetary quarantine.

Many female respondents described being attracted to people who ate meat, but said they did not want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies were made up of animal carcasses.

Quick, who’ll be the first to inform those cerebrally deficient life forms that their entire bodies are, in fact, “animal carcasses?” More importantly, who’ll be the first to record the slackjawed expression on their faces and the vacant gaze from their eyes? Now there’s something we don’t want to miss.

“It’s a whole new thing – I have not come across it before,” said Potts.

And, if it weren’t for you, nobody else would’ve either. We’ll have to think up a suitable — reward for that.

One vegan respondent from Christchurch said: “I believe we are what we consume, so I really struggle with bodily fluids, especially sexually.”

Alright already… That is quite enough! Hellooooo lunch! And that was the best damn baby seal filet that we’d had in weeks too!

We’ll just stick with Lysistrate, thank you very much.

Comments 102 Comments »

Okay, so I’m enjoying a brief respite from my hectic schedule as a PC repair-type guy when a ticket comes in:

Client states that her local printer will not power on. Client states that the printer was working fine on Tuesday. She states that she has tried plugging the printer into another location but this has not worked. Please ensure that the printer is connected properly.

So, after lunch, I drive to the location.  Find the customer.

“Aw, man, no, this printer will not work at all  and I’ve tried everything and can you pleeeeeeeeze fix it…”

Ad infinitum, ad-friggin’-nauseam.

Start at the back of the printer.  Connected.  Trace the cord down to the AC power brick.  It’s not connected to the power cord.  Connect it.

Start pulling the power cord.  It’s not hooked into the wall.  Plug it in.  Printer comes on immediately.

Customer’s jaw hits the floor.  And with a straight face (and I swear to Cthulu, that was the hardest part - keeping the straight face), I say “thank you” and walk out the door back to my car.

And for this, I get paid about $45K annually. 

Comments 55 Comments »

Because we can, and apropos of nothing whatsoe’er.

Chuckling to myself as I was browsing through my now thoroughly dog-eared copy of Henry Beard’s “X-Treme Latin”, I came across the following and was reminded that I positively HAVE to have that printed on a T-shirt one day:

“Maiores mei dimidium Europae despolia verunt. Ego tamen nil accepi praeter hanc tuniculam misellam.”

(My ancestors plundered half of Europe, and all I got was this stupid T-shirt)

Comments 15 Comments »

Q. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Four: one to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.

I can safely die now, for I have seen everything.

A former Administrative Judge in Washington D.C. is suing his cleaners for $65 Million dollars over a pair of lost trousers.  He has been pursuing this case for the past ten years.

$65M lawsuit over lost pants

Washington judge suing after store lost trousers taken in for alterations

A missing pair of pants has led to one big suit.

A customer got so steamed when a dry cleaner lost his trousers that he sued for $65 million (U.S.). Two years later, he is still pressing his suit.

The case has demoralized the South Korean immigrant owners and brought demands that the customer – an administrative law judge in Washington – be disbarred and removed from office for pursuing a frivolous and abusive claim.

“They’re out a lot of money, but more importantly, incredibly disenchanted with the system,” said Chris Manning, lawyer for the owners. “This has destroyed their lives.”

The customer, Roy Pearson Jr., who has been representing himself, declined to comment.

According to court documents, the problem began in May 2005 when Pearson became a judge and brought several suits for alterations to Custom Cleaners in Washington. A pair of pants from one suit was missing when he requested it two days later.

Pearson asked the cleaners for the full price of the suit: more than $1,000.

But a week later, the owners said the pants had been found and refused to pay. Pearson said those were not his pants and decided to sue.

Manning said the cleaners have made three settlement offers to Pearson: $3,000, then $4,600, then $12,000.

But Pearson was not satisfied and expanded his calculations beyond one pair of pants. Because he no longer wanted to use his local dry cleaner, he asked in his lawsuit for $15,000 – the cost of renting a car every weekend for 10 years to go to another business.

The bulk of the $65 million demand comes from Pearson’s strict interpretation of Washington consumer protection law, which imposes fines of $1,500 per violation, per day. Pearson counted 12 violations over 1,200 days, then multiplied that by three defendants.

Much of Pearson’s case rests on two signs Custom Cleaners once had on its walls: “Satisfaction Guaranteed” and “Same Day Service.” He claims the signs amount to fraud.

There is more on this story along with the idiotstick’s contact information if you really feel you need to reach out and tell him what you think.

Comments 39 Comments »

Just when you think depravity has hit absolute bottom, along comes something that just makes you shake your head and walk away muttering to yourself. A Tip of the Hat to LC Country Red for this laugh of the day:

Gay Rodeo Ain’t For Sissies

You must check the site out. It’s loaded with video that I can’t get to save and post up here. Do NOT miss the goats dressed in underwear video. Yes you did read that one right.

****SPEW WARNING****

My first reaction to the 2006 LA Gay Rodeo was: Are you JOKING, GAY PEOPLE! It’s an election year! Aren’t you already dealing with enough bull*%#? (Or should I say guacamole? Guacamoled is rodeospeak for when a dim-witted cow craps itself all over you [obviously while you are being umm friendly-JB] , as in Anne Coulter just guacamoled me.)

Now I do like a good guacamole, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to even look at it again.

It wasn’t until I’d seen my third or fourth guacamoled cowperson at the rodeo that it finally dawned on me: Guacamole is a big reason gay rodeoers dig gay rodeo—and I’m not talking some weird fetish, here. I’m saying that, like pretty much anyone, gay rodeoers prefer not to be guacamoled. But at least when it happens at gay rodeo, they know it’s not because of their sexual orientation.

So it’s not a weird fetish, when in the process of sodomizing a bovine, one just happens to catch a steaming heap o’ guacamole on an appendage not normal at risk for such deposits? Sorry for the visualization.

Neither is a good stomping or goring or trampling. Livestock just doesn’t discriminate. And neither does gay rodeo. Everyone’s welcome there—gay, straight, undeclared. Anyone can come get his or her ass kicked. Or watch while someone else does.

I don’t really think it’s about ass kicking in reference to getting the guacamole treatment there Skippy.

Gay rodeo is about inclusiveness…and spangled chaps, and tight jeans, and Marlboro man mustaches, and Stetsons, and studded shirts, and studs and fillies—in other words, it’s just like regular rodeo except the studs are more cut and maybe a tad cattier about it. And the cowgirls ride bulls if they want. Oh…and the dancing. Dancing is maybe as big a gay rodeo draw as gay rodeoin’.

Nothing new there actually, at least as far as ‘cowgirls’ riding bulls. Ever been to Tijuana?

In fact, participation in gay rodeo seems pretty evenly split between real rodeoin’ and serious dancin’. I’m told many come specifically for the dancing, which goes on all day, into the night, and does sort of differentiate it from traditional rodeo where you won’t likely see a lot of same-sex couples two-stepping to Christina Aguilera.

I’m sure it is a bit differentiated from real rodeo. Try that at a real rodeo and you’ll get a first-class demonstration of ass-kicking, especially if one would even request a Christina Aguilera track.

As far as pure gay rodeoin’ goes, the participants seem fairly well divided between city slickers and country boys and girls—many of whom grew up rodeoin’ but left when they no longer felt welcome in historically macho rodeo culture.

Which isn’t to say gay rodeo is for sissies. It’s anything but. A cowboy named Doug Graff broke his pelvis while steer riding. I watched the whole thing and never saw him cry. I’d have been balling like a baby.

Not that we ever implied that persons of varied sexual orientation were sissies, but exactly what is your point? You (and they) seem ever more obsessed with disproving a stereotype that the majority of informed citizens don’t possess. You can stage all the ‘manly’ demonstrations you want, not that I personally see placing a pair of boxer shorts on a goat as a distinctly masculine endeavor. I’m certainly unsure of exactly why being guacamoled is conclusive proof that somehow they are just like everyone else. I spent many years of my youth working on dairy-farms and I distinctly remember catching a steaming load of dung down your back in the milking-parlor (yes that’s what they call it) as anything other than funny. In your context it’s just plain disgusting, considering the particular area that gets the treatment. The bottom-line is no amount of silly demonstrations will hide your true agenda to ‘normalize’ behavior that roughly 70% of the US population disapproves. Any progress you might make in obtaining a bit more acceptance, goes right out the window with a professed enjoyment of dressing goats in lingerie. On the other hand it could increase Victoria’s Secret catalog sales to the muj community, I’m sure many of them truly appreciate a flimsy-thong on a hot-looking billy-goat.

That’s the nice thing about gay rodeo: You’re still welcome even if you are a sissy. I mean, they let me in and no way in hell are you catching me trying to ride a bull or bucking bronc or even trying to put a pair of tighty-whities on a goat. And if you do, it won’t be because I’m suddenly less of a sissy. It will simply mean that I’ve gone completely crazy. That, or gay rodeo curious…

Isn’t that special, they are inclusive and welcome all. As to your posit, I do believe completely crazy is the more applicable. Don’t forget to bring your taco chips, you wouldn’t want to miss sharing the dip.

[You can find plenty of actual information on gay rodeoin’ and events (which have been for charity since gay rodeo’s inception) by going to the International Gay Rodeo Association website and surf from there.]

….mheh….

Comments 26 Comments »

Or maybe not, as might be the case according to this article sent to us by LC JackBoot:

It’s a deeply serious world, and there is a lot to be concerned about at the moment, but having said that, apparently 10 percent of sheep are gay.

That’s “g*y”, you HATER! I, for one, am now going to write the Hartford Advocate, demanding that you never be invited to write for them again!

In a story that recently appeared in the Washington Post and the Guardian entitled, wonderfully, “Brokeback Mutton,”

OK, I have to give the Grauniad that one. That made me chuckle, and for once it wasn’t with derision.

…writer William Saletan has taken note of an experiment at a federal research farm led by two Oregon academics, Charles Roselli and Fred Stormshak.

Our tax dollars at work. Thank G-d they’re not throwing our funds away on frivolous nonsense such as cancer research or fusion energy.

In the experiment, a young ram is placed in a small pen and is offered four choices: two ewes in heat, and two rams. For half an hour, the ram is allowed to follow his inclinations and the experimenters take note of his preferences.

How about a wild, steamy, diverse, gender-neutral five-some?

About 15 percent of the rams seem to have no preference at all and would rather just hang out (like some of us).

That’s pretty much what I’d go for if I were presented with the choice of four ovines. Call me speciesist if you like, but that’s just how I roll. Of course, I’m not from Washington state either.

One in five seems to be interested in both sexes.

How wonderfully non-judgmental and open-minded of them.

And about 10 percent of rams prefer other rams.

NTTAWWT.

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 30 Comments »

UFO Science Key To Halting Climate Change: Former Canadian Defense Minister

A former Canadian defense minister is demanding governments worldwide disclose and use secret alien technologies obtained in alleged UFO crashes to stem climate change, a local paper said Wednesday.

He’s demanding, I tell you. Obviously he wasn’t able to get in on the IPO for Indulgences Inc. That’s going to have a pretty dramatic effect on their quarterly earnings isn’t it? He does have a point though, the one that crashed in my yard had reams of documents, when translated with my Imperial Universal Translator™ made a pretty decent batch of hot wings. Maybe the natural biological by-product of that was the sekret technology.

“I would like to see what (alien) technology there might be that could eliminate the burning of fossil fuels within a generation … that could be a way to save our planet,” Paul Hellyer, 83, told the Ottawa Citizen.

If we had the technology tomorrow, it would take a generation to complete the permits to build a base-load generating plant using a new technology. Let alone another generation (or two) of litigation to get a building permit. As a former player in the nuclear electric generation business, I speak with some authority on the night-marish process currently existing with the environmental whackos and technology development/usage.

Alien spacecrafts would have traveled vast distances to reach Earth, and so must be equipped with advanced propulsion systems or used exceptional fuels, he told the newspaper.

Such alien technologies could offer humanity alternatives to fossil fuels, he said, pointing to the enigmatic 1947 incident in Roswell, New Mexico — which has become a shrine for UFO believers — as an example of alien contact.

Roswell….again….. :wallbash_tb:

“We need to persuade governments to come clean on what they know. Some of us suspect they know quite a lot, and it might be enough to save our planet if applied quickly enough,” he said.

Unfortunately, “those” that know a lot have been abducted and are under interrogation treatment at a mental health facility near you.

Hellyer became defense minister in former prime minister Lester Pearson’s cabinet in 1963, and oversaw the controversial integration and unification of Canada’s army, air force and navy into the Canadian Forces.

And what an integration it was….the results were transmogrifying the Canadian Forces into a fighting unit with roughly the same offensive power as a Campfire Girl meeting. That said, their military today is doing a fine job playing whack-a-hajj in the WoT, in spite of it all.

He shocked Canadians in September 2005 by announcing he once saw a UFO.

Shortly after joining the “Octogenarian Canadian UFO Alternative Energy Society”.

ohhhh… Governor Joe D- How is your budget looking for psychiatric treatment? I just found you a new patient.

Comments 25 Comments »