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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Archive for Hollyweirdos
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Archive for the “Hollyweirdos” Category

…although, so far, we’ve yet to actually spot a dark cloud anywhere near the Writers’ Guild strike, so we guess the saying isn’t all that appropriate. So sue us.

Protein Wisdom brings us these horrible, HORRIBLE news:

LOS ANGELES - Two of Hollywood’s most glamorous events are now caught up in the entertainment industry’s ugliest labor dispute in two decades. The Writers Guild of America, West, will not allow its members to write for the Golden Globes on Jan. 13 nor the Academy Awards on Feb. 24.

Whatever will we DO?

There. Now that His Rottieness has the snark out of his system, he feels all better. We can only say one thing to the Writers’ Guild: Stay strong! Don’t give in, don’t cave, don’t yield an INCH! We’re counting on you to stand up for what is right, and keeping the annual circle-jerk festival off the airwaves is so right that it just makes us tingle all over.

What? You really thought that anybody were going to give a damn about your temper tantrums?

Think again.

UPDATE: As we think about it, the strike may have yet another silver lining. We mean, if the writers won’t write for the Limousine Socialist Circle-Jerk Awards of ‘08 and Hollyweird insists on putting on a show anyway, that would mean that the (badly) trained monkey presenters would have to go on and deliver their own lines for once, wouldn’t it? Sorta like [Insert random name of music industry trained seal who couldn’t carry a note in a bucket nailed to his/her forehead and only sounds bearable because of the wonders of studio equipment] getting so carried away with his/her own hype that he/she decides to do a show without lip-synching.

Now THAT would be TRULY hilarious. Unintentionally so, yes, but hilarious nonetheless. Heck, we might even tune in to watch it.

Comments 52 Comments »

The Puppy Blender, who by the way is a law professor, has the following suggestion regarding the Omaha mass murder (link thanks to LC Shamalama):

It seems to me that we’ve reached the point at which a facility that bans firearms, making its patrons unable to defend themselves, should be subject to lawsuit for its failure to protect them. The pattern of mass shootings in “gun free” zones is well-established at this point, and I don’t see why places that take the affirmative step of forcing their law-abiding patrons to go unarmed should get off scot-free.

He’s absolutely right, you know, for all of the reasons that he states.

There is, at this point, no reasonable argument, much less a compelling one, against a correlation between “gun free zones” and the likelihood that they’ll be the target of mass shootings, so nobody making their property a “gun free zone” can convincingly argue that they had no way of knowing or that they were acting in good faith.

At this point, it is abundantly clear to any reasonable person that banning legal carry of weapons poses an increased risk to the individual, so the logical conclusion is that if you ban firearms on the premises, you take it upon yourself to provide adequate security for visitors. And if you fail in doing so (remember that even the mall security guards were unarmed), you become liable.

Sue the shit out of them.

Comments 37 Comments »

This one, “Stop-Loss”, has as its central premise that our volunteers are too damn stoopid to read contracts.

Oh, and War Bad™, Troops Killers™, Stuck in Iraq™, Ig’nant Southerners With Hearts of Gold™ yadda, yadda, yadda.

All it needs is a touch of Teh Ghey and you’ve got another Instant Oscar That Nobody’s Actually Paid Money to Watch™.

If you can stand it, here’s the trailer.

We suspect that it will be every bit as much of a box office hit as “Rendition”, which currently has pirates disguising their torrents as recordings of C-SPAN in order to get people to even think about downloading it.

Comments 20 Comments »

Dammit, why does His Highness always miss out on the truly hilarious crap?

Well, in this case it was our own fault, because LC Crunchie had already alerted us to it. But it happened to be a really, really busy day at the Palace, so it got put on the back burner and then, as is so often the case when you put stuff aside, you forget about it.

Until we saw a second post about it, which is when we started looking into Crunchie’s earlier email and realized that we’d just missed some of the funniest shit ever.

To recap: Some “Survivor” clown who calls himself Johnny Fairyplay, Footsieplay, something like that is on stage at one of those Hollyweird shows where people that nobody gives two shits about congregate to jerk each other off, presumably to convince themselves that anybody would notice if they all died of syphilis tomorrow. While up there, he’s blabbing about how he suckered the other jerks on the season of “Survivor” that he was on (apparently it’s some sort of reality show that couch potatoes with the IQ of a strawberry shortcake enjoy) by lying about his grandmother being dead.

Much to our surprise, the crowd boos at him. We weren’t aware that those airheads had any notion of normality and common decency, but there you have it. You can find nuggets of, well, at least some sort of semi-worth saving metal in even the largest pile of manure. Johnny Foreplay (”roll over honey” - ten seconds later: - “damn, was it good for you too?”) is surprised too, but in his case for the all too common Hollyweird reason, namely that he’s dumber than your average brick and about as charming, so Danny Bonaduce, who must have been really desperate for company that night to show up at that non-event, helpfully goes on stage and gently points out to him that they’re booing because they hate him. After standing around for a while with that endearing expression so commonly seen on a cow hit in the face with a wet trout, Johnny Allgay calls out for Danny, who turns around with a “what?” look on his face, probably surprised that an organism that far down the evolutionary ladder can even speak or, as it were, utter sounds more complicated than “arf”, “bark” and “oink.”

Which is where it gets funny. Johnny Hairspray then, from a two or three paces’ worth of running start, jumps up in Danny’s face, wraps his arms around Danny’s throat and his legs around his sides and starts dry-humping his nostrils. Danny, non-plussed, lifts up his arms, grabs Johnny Dairyqueen under the thighs and flips him over his head, planting his mug squarely on the floor. The really funny part is that Johnny Dooday, true to form for those worthless narcissists, still has the microphone against his kisser. Throw a Hollyweirdo off a plane equipped with a perfectly good parachute and he’ll still die because he’d have to let go of the microphone to pull the ripcord. But we digress…

Having made a quick inventory of his teeth and realizing that at least one is missing, Johnny Waaahwaaah then crawls back on his feet and hobbles off the stage with his shoulders slumped and his tail tucked firmly between his legs.

We swear: We laughed so hard we almost died. The only thing that would have been funnier would have been if the mic had been jammed through the jerk’s pie hole to the point where it was sticking out of the back of his head. Come on, it’s not like there’s anything in there that could possibly get hurt, so he’d be as right as rain once they hammered a cork in the hole. Nobody would ever notice the difference.

And of course the little pansy reports Danny for “felony battery”, which claim is promptly thrown out of court.

You’d think that even a creature as bereft of common sense as a Hollyweirdo whore would realize that the only charge that could possibly come of that incident, particularly with about 800 eyewitnesses AND camera footage, would be “felony sexual assault”, and it wouldn’t be Danny facing the music either. You would think that, and you would be guilty of overestimating the average IQ of a Hollyweirdo. Which, all things considered, isn’t all that hard to do. At least not if you like to work with positive numbers.

Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have to go put a few stitches in our sides, because they just split wide open again.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, and way to go, Danny. We like you more and more with each passing day.

Comments 33 Comments »

“The Path to 9/11″, the mini-series that the DemCong threatened to have ABC’s broadcasting license revoked over if they dared air it, was supposed to have been released in DVD format but, so far, is being delayed for unknown reasons.

Or not so unknown, as the case might be.

Apparently the ABC execs aren’t overly eager to have something like that out in the public when the Hildebeest is busy trying to become President.

We guess we can see their point. After all, there’s no telling what the DemCong(ress) will threaten with this time if somebody threatens to commit lese majeste, insulting their ant queen by telling the truth.

So “Path to 9/11″ may not be out until after the election but, then again, sometimes the dog that doesn’t bark is as informative as the one that does. We’re just happy to see that the Most Ethical Congress Evah!™ are doing so much to keep the public safe from sneaky bastards polluting the national debate with propaganda.

After all, we all know how they fought tooth and nail to keep Michael Moore-on, The Lancet and many more from influencing elections in the past.

Comments 11 Comments »

Thanks to our awesome blogsis, the Duchess Rachel Lucas.

Of course, they could be full of bovine excrement, it is the MSMidiots after all, but assuming that what they say is true, then we really need to tip our Imperial Crown to Barron Hilton, the “Old Man” of the Hilton dynasty:

PARTY princess Paris Hilton is $60 million out of pocket after her billionaire grandfather - appalled by her jail term for drink-driving offences - axed her inheritance.

Family patriarch Barron Hilton was already embarrassed by his granddaughter’s wild behaviour - notably when her home sex video was leaked on the internet.

But the 79-year-old considered her 23-day sentence last month the last straw.

$60 million! That’s six zeroes after the “60″, LCs and GLORs. That sure beats being grounded for a week and losing your allowance for a month, doesn’t it?

“He was, and is, extremely embarrassed by how the Hilton name has been sullied by Paris,” says Jerry Oppenheimer, who wrote a biography of the clan called House Of Hilton.

“He now doesn’t want to leave unearned wealth to his family.”

Looks like at least one member of the Hilton family knows something about old fashioned values such as “thou shalt not fuck everything with a pulse like a randy rabbit on an overload of ecstasy and thou shalt not think that a bloated bank account means that you’re above the law.”

So how’s that wild and care-free lifestyle working out for you, Paris? We think that you’ll find that your newsworthiness and desirability among the “in crowd” will experience a rather precipitous drop now that you don’t come with an inheritance the size of the GDP of Luxembourg. But not to worry, dear. “Money doesn’t buy happiness”, right? After all, you’re an extremely talented actress in your own right, at least according to the PR people hoping to keep their trunks firmly embedded in your family fortune. Oops…

Maybe you can find some solace in a pity fuck with your best buddy Lindsay. Once she gets out of the slammer, that is.

Oh well. Grandpa will most likely have a change of heart and re-include you in the will, grandparents are known for their big, soft hearts, but talk about a wake-up call. Not to mention that he’s doing you a huge favor, seeing as how we doubt that anything other than a threat to the future of your unearned income and the sheer horror that having to work for your money must hold for you will manage to make it through your fantastically dense skull.

Comments 48 Comments »

Noted Genius on Everything There is to Know in the Whole Universe™ (according to 9 out of 10 certifiably sub-retarded garden slugs) Sheryl Crow and her girlfriend went to Washington, and all they got was a lousy T-shirt. Oh the HUMANITY!

Last night Thelma and Louise drove the bus off the cliff or at least into the White House Correspondents Dinner. The “highlight” of the evening had to be when we were introduced to Karl Rove. How excited were we to have our first opportunity ever to talk directly to the Bush Administration about global warming.

Why didn’t you bring Hansel & Gretel as well, seeing as how you seem to be enamored of fairy tales?

We asked Mr. Rove if he would consider taking a fresh look at the science of global warming.

You mean you actually found some? Please, let us see it as well, because all we have so far is a bunch of hyperventilating hysterics on the public grant dole, trying to outdo one another in baseless assertions and crazed conjectures.

Much to our dismay, he immediately got combative. And it went downhill from there.

We reminded the senior White House advisor that the US leads the world in global warming pollution and we are doing the least about it.

Which is what one should do about something that isn’t “pollution” and doesn’t contribute in a meaningful fashion to global warming.

Anger flaring, Mr. Rove immediately regurgitated the official Administration position on global warming which is that the US spends more on researching the causes than any other country.

Which is, sadly, true. And a horrible waste of tax funds as well. Surely we can find something other than full employment for nutty “scientists” to spend His Imperial Majesty’s money on?

We felt compelled to remind him that the research is done and the results are in (www.IPCC.ch).

…now that the IPCC, a wholly owned subsidiary of the U.N., the single most inept and corrupt kleptocracy in all of human history, are done editing out the scientific conclusions that contradict the preferred message, that is.

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 39 Comments »

LC Maxxdog hooked us up to this utterly devastating ClueEnema™ that was administered to the Simpering & Seditious Socialist Succubi™ of the Left, who have been feeding off the blood of our brave US military members for the past 5+ years. The inimitable Bob Parks also pulls out some quotes (that the Lamestream Midiots™ are doing their damnedest to try and make everyone forget were ever uttered or written), from a few of The Party of Treason’s™ High Priests of Hypocricy™, and ClueClubs™ the KosTardian KoolAid Drinkers™ into a bloody, oozing mass with them.

If you’ve got 8 minutes of free time (or even if you DON’T), you are hereby ordered to go watch it in its entirety.

(Note: It might not play in FireFox®. You might have to use Intestinal Explosion® to open the video.)

That. Is. All.

F.E.T.E.

Comments 35 Comments »

Because they’re only slightly more intelligent than yeast:

In perhaps her blondest moment yet, the former Baywatch babe [Pamela Anderson — Emp.M.] has announced she is putting the boot into her footwear staple of the last decade, boycotting Uggs after finally realising they were made from shaved sheep skin.

It finally dawned upon her that her sheepskin boots were made out of, wait for it: SHEEP SKIN.

Keep that in mind the next time one of the airheads is on TV, spreading the verbal diarrhea that they pass off as “opinion.”

Scrambling desperately for something to say in her defense, she only managed to insert her feet deeper into her mouth:

“I used to wear them with my red swim suit to keep warm never realizing that they were skin! I thought they were shaved kindly?”

Indeed they are, Pam. After which their skin is gently flayed off of their still warm bodies. Mheh. Her therapist should be working overtime for a month now.

Reports yet unconfirmed claim that Pammy was later seen rocking back and forth in the fetal position in front of a grocery store shelf with “cat food” on it, refusing to snap out of her catatonic state until the manager had personally assured her that it didn’t contain any cats.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Comments 21 Comments »

Noted theologian and super-genius, James Cameron, has decided to follow in the steps of Dan Brown in an attempt to revive his moribund career.

Brace yourself. James Cameron, the man who brought you ‘The Titanic’ is back with another blockbuster. This time, the ship he’s sinking is Christianity.

OHNOES! Well, it was a nice 2,000 year run while it lasted, but I believe that all of us Christians will have to agree that it’s time to throw in the towel. After all, how can we possibly hope to survive the sheer scholarly supergeniusitude of James. Fricking. CAMERON??? All is lost, my fellow godbags. We had the unbelievers going for a while, but now the genius behind “The Titanic” has blown our little conspiracy wide open.

In a new documentary, Producer Cameron and his director, Simcha Jacobovici, make the starting claim that Jesus wasn’t resurrected –the cornerstone of Christian faith– and that his burial cave was discovered near Jerusalem. And, get this, Jesus sired a son with Mary Magdelene.

No, it’s not a re-make of “The Da Vinci Codes’. It’s supposed to be true.

“True” like the other feted Hollyweird “Documentaries” were supposed to be “true?”

Prepare for the surprise ending where James Cameron reveals that he, yes HE is the direct descendant of Jesus Christ and proceeds to walk on realistically rendered water.

Let’s go back 27 years, when Israeli construction workers were gouging out the foundations for a new building in the industrial park in the Talpiyot, a Jerusalem suburb. of Jerusalem. The earth gave way, revealing a 2,000 year old cave with 10 stone caskets. Archologists were summoned, and the stone caskets carted away for examination. It took 20 years for experts to decipher the names on the ten tombs. They were: Jesua, son of Joseph, Mary, Mary, Mathew, Jofa and Judah, son of Jesua.

Israel’s prominent archeologist Professor Amos Kloner didn’t associate the crypt with the New Testament Jesus. His father, after all, was a humble carpenter who couldn’t afford a luxury crypt for his family.

But, as James Cameron will reveal, he actually won the Roman State Lottery.

And all were common Jewish names.

There was also this little inconvenience that a few miles away, in the old city of Jerusalem, Christians for centuries had been worshipping the empty tomb of Christ at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher. Christ’s resurrection, after all, is the main foundation of the faith, proof that a boy born to a carpenter’s wife in a manger is the Son of God.

HA, you silly godbags! Take THAT!

But film-makers Cameron and Jacobovici claim to have amassed evidence through DNA tests, archeological evidence and Biblical studies, that the 10 coffins belong to Jesus and his family.

Presumably they got G-d to hand in a DNA sample.

So there you have it. This whole thing about Jesus being crucified is really just an elaborate hoax that every single Roman and Jew were in on and managed to keep going for 2,000 years, a prank thought up by the Romans to establish a religion that would be a thorn in their side for hundreds of years until they finally found themselves forced to adopt it.

You gotta hand it to them Jooos and Romans: When they think up a practical joke, they really, TRULY go all the way.

But they couldn’t fool James Cameron, a man so smart that he not only knows how the Administration pulled off 9/11, he was probably the one who thought it up in the FIRST place.

Yawn.

Comments 29 Comments »