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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Archive for Stupid Goblins
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Archive for the “Stupid Goblins” Category

Note the following: 7 minutes fifteen seconds from the time of the call starting to the shots fired.

Also, no sirens can be heard.

The police weren’t in a real hurry, were they?

In light of these events, consider the following:

“A man called the police and told them he had 5 men breaking into his tool shed out back. The dispatcher told the guy they didn’t have anyone available to make it out to his property to stop the crime, and that the man should just remain in his home to be safe.

The cops would be there when they could get there. The man was outraged and said “You really need to get out here! They are in the shed RIGHT NOW, and you can catch them.”

The dispatcher again told him they didn’t have anyone available.

The man hung up, waited one minute, then called the police again. He said “I have 5 dead guys in my shed” the dispatcher said “WHAT”? The man nodded

“Yeah, I just went out and shot those burglars I called you about.”

Within seconds, several police cars drove up and the cops went into the shed … they found 5 guys stealing and promptly arrested them. One of the cops said, “I thought you said you shot all these guys.”

The home owner said “I thought YOU said you didn’t have anyone available for my call”

Comments 50 Comments »


Sometimes, I swear, these stories write themselves. It is expected that the use of garden gnomes as a housebreaking tool will decrease from now on.

A 37-year-old man has bled to death after slipping on broken glass while allegedly trying to climb through a bedroom window in Adelaide’s south.

The fact he is dead sorta gives the “alleged” part away..

The man was almost decapitated after slipping on broken glass at a Moorong Rd property in O’Sullivan Beach about 2.10am today, South Australian police said.

Should have quit whilst he was ahead.

It is believed the man sliced his neck, which caused fatal bleeding. The house’s occupants were in the bedroom as the man, from Christies Beach, tried to enter the house, police said.

“Indications are that the man threw a garden ornament through a bedroom window which woke the occupants and … slipped and suffered a severe laceration which killed him,” Senior Constable Mick Abbott said.“The man’s death is being treated as non-suspicious.”

That’ll be good for the roses this summer.

Police were investigating the man’s death, he said. The man is believed to have used a garden gnome to break the window, Sky News reports.

Goblin breaks window. Goblin kills self trying to break into home. Give garden gnome a medal, bury goblin, write report, go home to dinner.

Case closed.

The house’s owner found the man in a pool of blood, but ambulance officers called to the scene were unable to revive him.

Garden gnome 1, Goblin 0.

All in a day’s work.

Comments 40 Comments »

Amidst all the celebration and merry-making for our new digs, AND furthermore being Friday for some of us. Why not turn off the idiot box and tune in some Radio? I can’t dance (it’s rattles the monitor off the desk) but you sure can.

Freaky Friday on RadioCIA. I’ll be on from 7 pm CT until I give it up. It is MIX night and I’ll take all requests. ciarequest AT or on the tuesdaytruth Yahoo IM.


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Our only surprise is that we haven’t heard from Greta van Cistern yet (link via LC & IB DRJ):

MADISON, Wis. — The state’s top law enforcement official is drawing criticism for encouraging the public not to answer reporters’ questions about a north woods shooting by an off-duty sheriff’s deputy that left seven dead, including the gunman.

Attorney General J.B. Van Hollen last week said law enforcers would not answer questions about the case in the city where it took place, and he relayed a request that Crandon residents ignore reporters asking questions. He then left the podium without taking questions.

A week after the shooting, authorities have released little or no information on autopsy findings, certain 911 calls made during a manhunt and crime-scene evidence. The crime is one state’s biggest homicide cases, and in addition to being a deputy, the shooter was also a part-time officer on the Crandon police force.

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel said in an editorial Thursday that among the questions left unanswered is whether there was a problem with the police response, and whether psychological screening is needed for police recruits.

“The news media must give the survivors room to grieve in private,” the editorial said. “But they must also do their job — report on a matter of great importance to the state. Unfortunately, Van Hollen has signaled that he may make the media’s job harder.”

…and Heaven forbid that the Almighty “Deciders” in the MSM should have to actually work for their money? Doesn’t this guy know who they are? Hasn’t he heard of their Constitutionally secured right to set up cameras in your bedroom, kitchen and living room at the drop of a hat to secure their ratings and ad income?

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that there are questions regarding this case that are indeed within “public’s right to know”, and the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel of course points out only these. When a government official, such as a deputy, freaks out and goes bonkers on a murdering spree, then there are legitimate questions about how on Earth he managed to fall through the cracks and end up a ticking time bomb in uniform. No argument there. We the People have entrusted the government with certain powers, and when those powers end up being abused, then we most certainly have a right to know just what led up to it and how to prevent it again. If we can’t be trusted with that knowledge, then we can’t trust them with the power, period.

But we all know that that’s not what the MSM is really talking about. That’s just the smokescreen they’re laying out to obscure their real agenda. Sure, they’d like to cover the official side of it too, but as we all know from reading the newspapers and, even more so, watching the dummy tube every night, what really gives them a hard-on for tragedy is setting up cameras, lights, carnie rides and concession stands in the front yards of the bereaved. Heck, if they could get away with it, they’d shove a web cam in the casket too. It’s the “human interest” angle, don’t ya know, and it’s good for ratings and circulation numbers which, again, is great for ad revenue. We are, sadly, a nation of rubberneckers. Anybody who has ever driven a car on the freeway will know, as anything from a flat squirrel over a car pulled over on the shoulder to a 6 car pile-up will cause a complete slowdown because of vultures hoping to catch a glimpse of mayhem, and the press knows it too.

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 5 Comments »

Psychochick, whose assimilation is obviously almost complete since she already knows our tastes in news stories, sends us this heartwarming story from Oregon:

PORTLAND, Ore. - An Oregon man was sentenced to 10 years in prison Friday after hiring another man to kill his wife.

A great pity. The cowardly bastard should’ve gotten life without parole, at least. Few things aggravate me more than feral husbands trying to murder the ones they’re supposed to be willing, even eager to take a bullet for, but one of those things would be cowardly feral husbands who don’t even have the guts to do the foul, dirty, spineless deed themselves.

Anyway, that’s not the good part of the story. For that, we have to look at what happened. A story that has been reported before, but it’s so wonderful a story of self-defense, improvisation and good old fashioned American “can do” spirit that it deserves to be repeated. Also, you may have missed it the first time around, and it would be damn near criminal to deprive you of a story like that:

In September 2006, Susan found an intruder in her southeast Portland home.

“I saw a man step out of the shadows and he began to hit me in the head and the face with a hammer,” said Kuhnhausen.

Already we hear the bleeding-heart, anti-self defense, objectively pro-criminal morons howling from the peanut gallery: “Just give him what he wants and everything will be just fine!” To which, of course, any red-blooded American will respond with fair warning, followed by a quick fist to the face if the bleating moron doesn’t heed said warning immediately.

For the first time publicly, she described how, fearing for her life, she fought back.

“I got the hammer and started hitting him with the hammer several times. My father the carpenter always taught me a hammer could be used for self defense, the claw end would work the best,” said Kuhnhausen.

Mheh. We like your father, Mrs Kuhnhausen, we like your father a lot! Of course, this is a perfect example of a situation where there would have been little to no danger if the intended victim had been armed with a firearm for her own protection, so all you ladies (and gentlemen, for that matter) who still haven’t taken that step yet: take heed. It is your right, and it may just save your lives one day.

But Mrs Kuhnhausen, facing the murderer unarmed, did the right thing: Instead of bemoaning the fact that she was unarmed and submitting to the subhuman bag of waste, improvised and used what was at hand. Not optimal, but still a damn sight better than curling up in the fetal position and becoming a statistic. Good for her, and HOOAH!

The attacker was Ed Haffey, a drug addict who it turned out was hired by Michael Kuhnhausen to kill Susan.

“I yelled who sent you here, yelled again, who sent you here?” asked Kuhnhausen.

The plan failed as the emergency room nurse relied on her hospital self-defense training and began to bite, hit and choke Haffey.

Since the claw hammer didn’t do the job on its own, our heroine then proceeded to use all the other means available to her, including her teeth and hands. Note to the LCs of the Empire: Hands and teeth are quite effective. For one thing, you’re used to using your hands, making them very fast and accurate and, as far as your teeth are concerned, humans are predators. Those teeth weren’t only put in there to tear up the flesh of dead animals. Not for the squeamish, of course, but certainly better than being dead.

“He turned blue as I told him you’re not going to kill me.” said Kuhnhausen.

Instead, she killed Haffey.

Nurse 1.
Stupid, feral goblin 0.

For beating the useless waste of DNA with a clawhammer, biting him bloody with her own teeth and finally strangling the bastard to death with her own hands, Mrs Kuhnhausen is herewith awarded the Imperial Order of Self-Defense with added Bleach Emblem for valuable service in cleaning out the Gene Pool of the Empire.

Well done, Milady, well done indeed!

Comments 33 Comments »

At least not if you’re a cluefucked retard scumbag goblin like Kaleb Nelson of Colorado (h/t LC Lorraine):

Devon Barker says he was about to get out of the car when the robber stuck a gun into the driver’s side window and demanded money.

Barker says he got out of the car, went around the backside, and tackled the robber. Barker says he punched the robber, but the man managed to get away.

Boulder Police arrested 20-year-old Kaleb Nelson a short time later at an apartment a block away from the Spanish Towers.

Normally we wouldn’t bother to post about something that doesn’t involve the immediate assumption of room temperature by a goblin, but there’s something about an armed goblin with all of the advantages over his intended victim getting a thorough thrashing that we find too irresistibly funny to let go.

Have fun in the clink, Kaleb, especially when it comes to explaining how you got busted on aggravated robbery charges after being beaten by an unarmed victim.

We predict that you’ll be needing to put a 2 by 4 across every barstool you ever try to sit upon after you get out, in order to not slide down and have your well-used ass hit the floor.


Comments 23 Comments »

This time courtesy of LC Chairborne Ranger, who sent us this heartwarming story of a car-jacking gone horribly right:

METAIRIE, La. (AP) — A man with a gun was trying to force a woman out of her car at a fast-food drive-through when the woman’s 17-year-old son wrestled the gun away from him and shot him.

The only thing more worthy of celebration than a goblin getting shot in the commission of a felony is when he’s shot with his own gun. Good job, son!

Carl Chestnut, 44, of Kenner, is expected to survive wounds to his head and body,


…and will face armed robbery charges once he is released from East Jefferson General Hospital, Col. John Fortunato, a Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office spokesman, said Monday.

It would have been safer to hand over the keys and let the gunman drive off, Sheriff Harry Lee said Monday.

And the Sheriff’s office would immediately have given the lady and her son a new car, I presume? It’s truly touching how generous you are with other people’s property, Sheriff fwenchy.

Yes, it’s almost always “safer”, at least in the very short run, to simply submit and let armed troglodytes run off with your hard-earned possessions at will, but who is left without transportation all of a sudden? Who is left with the hassle and torment of replacing their personal papers and other possessions? Who is left with expenses trying to replace the things lost, expenses that can only be paid by giving up more hours of your life in order to earn the funds necessary? Remember this: When somebody steals something of yours, you’re never going to catch up with the loss. Even if you make enough money to buy new stuff, you’re still behind. Because, you see, the time you spent earning money to buy stuff you used to have, had it not been for the robber, could’ve been spent earning money to buy other stuff instead.

That’s something that the “bend over and just give them what they want” crowd always seem to forget. Those belongings of yours represent time and effort that you’ll never have back. The robber didn’t “just” steal your car, he stole part of your life.

And preventing the goblin swine from doing that to himself and his mother wasn’t the only heroic act that 17-year-old kid did. Oh no, not by a long shot. Thanks to his bravery and decisiveness, that goblin won’t be robbing anybody else either, not for a long, long time.

That’s something else to keep in mind: If you’re faced with a goblin trying to rob/rape/murder you, submission isn’t just a decision you make for yourself, it’s a decision you make for an unknown number of future victims.

You may feel quite “clever” if you follow the Sheriff’s imbecilic advice and let the goblin run off with your car, but just how good will you feel about that decision when the same goblin is on the front page of your local newspaper two months later after having gunned down a family of four?

Every single one of your actions leave repercussions, like ripples in a pond after you throw a stone in it.

The same is true of inaction.

Don’t forget that.

Comments 39 Comments »

Thanks to LC Ned for this heartwarming story:

[A 42-year-old thief] snatched a $2,000 gold chain from the Bronx jewelry store on Friday and was making his getaway [on his bicycle]. A store clerk and two bystanders were chasing the man on foot…

“You’ll never catch me alive, bastards!”

…when he pedaled into an intersection and was hit by a fast-moving bus, police said.

He obviously didn’t think that traffic laws applied to him either.

The suspect was taken to a hospital, where he died from head injuries.

Downside: The damage to the bus.
Upside: The savings from not having to try and incarcerate the stupid goblin.

“He lost his life for $2,000,” said the store’s owner, Lakhwinder Singh. “He’d sell it for maybe only two or three hundred. That makes no sense.”

Hey! You forgot the crime of running a red light! Dammit, man, details matter!

Comments 24 Comments »

Thanks to LCs Nilbog and Chairborne Ranger, we bring you a story of good cheer. Extremely good cheer, we might add:

Two illegal aliens, Ralphel Resindez 23 and Enrico Garza 26, probably believed they would easily overpower a home alone 11 year old Patricia Harrington after her father had left their two story home.

Mistake. BIG mistake!

And what’s going on here? We thought they were “only here to do the jobs that no Americans will do” while demonstrating to us how “faith and family values don’t stop at the Rio Grande?” Somebody please send El Presidente the memo.

It seems the two crooks never learned two things, they were in Montana and Patricia had been a clay shooting champion since she was nine.

Our kind of girl. Not to mention our kind of parents as well.

Patricia was in her upstairs room when the two men broke through the front door of the house. She quickly ran to her father’s room and grabbed his 12 gauge Mossberg 500 shotgun.

Nothing says “fuck off, pendejo!” quite as passionately as a load of buck shot to the face. It’s an international language that we could teach the world to speak in perfect harmony. But back to young Miss Patricia’s language lessons:

Resindez was the first to get up to the second floor only to be the first to catch a near point blank blast of buck shot from the 11 year olds knee crouch aim. He suffered fatal wounds to his abdomen and genitals.

“Para buck shot in los cojones, imprimer numero ‘dos’”


When Garza ran to the foot of the stairs, he took a blast to the left shoulder and staggered out into the street where he bled to death before medical help could arrive.

You know, sometimes, having to wait for the EMTs is a Good Thing™. Here’s to hoping that they found time to catch a cup of joe and a bagel on the way as well.

It was found out later that Resindez was armed with a stolen 45 caliber handgun he took from another home invasion robbery.

What??? You mean to say that criminals steal weapons in spite of it being against the law???? Why, that’s absurd! How are we ever going to get to a gun-free utopia with unicorns dancing in fields of marshmallows if criminals insist on breaking the law?

The victim, 50 year old David Burien, was not so lucky as he died from stab wounds to the chest.

We’re sorry to hear that and our condolences and prayers go out to the family.

Thanks to a little 11-year-old girl with a Mossberg and a lot of courage, however, his murderers won’t murder ever again.


***UPDATE:*** According to Snopes, the status of this story is “undetermined.” Doesn’t change the morals of it, even if it isn’t true, nor does it change the fact that there are other stories like it that are very much independently verified, like the ones at the end of LC & IB Kat’s post here. Brave kids, blowing the brains of goblins (and talk about a tiny target) out.

Remember: Every time you shoot a goblin in the face, the Baby Jesus smiles.

Comments 45 Comments »

Thankfully, this animal was stopped before it could mail a video “manifesto” that NBC could air the shit out of. Or so we hope (link thanks to LC Kristopher):

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - A shooting at a shopping center Sunday afternoon left three people dead, including the gunman, police said.

In other words, two dead. We don’t include animals in body counts in the Empire.

Two people were shot about 3:30 p.m. in the parking lot of the Ward Parkway Center, according to police. Then, the gunman went inside the mall and fired more shots, wounding at least two people, police spokesman Tony Sanders said.

The man was shot to death inside the mall, Sanders said. Police fired shots, but it was not immediately clear if he was killed by police.

And, should it turn out that it was an armed citizen doing the good deed, you can rest assured that we won’t find out.

Gun Free Zone + Armed Animal = 32 dead.

Armed Animal + Armed Citizens = 2 dead.

You do the math.

Comments 29 Comments »