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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Archive for Humor
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Archive for the “Humor” Category

Okay, you had my bi-partisan humor, now here is some partisan humor

Never underestimate the power of makeup

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Can you tell I am not a Hillary supporter all that much?

MY reasons for not liking her all that much are probably substantially different than YOUR reasons.

Comments 50 Comments »

People from both sides of the aisle can appreciate this:

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter

is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

“Yesterday we were campaigning…… Today you voted.”

Comments 19 Comments »

LC Scott posted this link in the Instant Bark and we, down in The Imperial Dungeon Game Room™, couldn’t help but add our two sesterti’s worth. After all, there’s enough hate flowing from The Religion of Pieces™ for all of us to enjoy our fair share of it, every now and then.

Motex®: Let The Blood Flow!™

F.E.T.E.

Comments 30 Comments »

SPEW ALERT LEVEL FIVE

This has to be one of the funniest acts I have ever seen.

ENJOY :)

Comments 22 Comments »

Boo!

Give us more, O Emperor! »

Comments 34 Comments »

Comments 9 Comments »

First the Emperor’s Imperial Television decides to take a dump and quit. As I’ve been informed it’s at least fixable. Up next, we learn that the most gracious and lovely Empress’ Imperial Limousine also decides to initiate a job action and quits also (starter no-workee). The Imperial Clocktower™ is quite a few drachmas poorer as a result, but the transportation issue is resolved. The telly should be functional in short order, providing the necessary, however not immediately available parts arrive along with the repair technician.

So at that point the score is awww shit, times two.

But we’re not done yet. Not by a bit. Back to work for my third day to a critical assignment, away I depart in the Ambassador’s trusty (sometimes) sooper sekret spy-vehicle, northwards to the turd-world city otherwise known as Providence, RI. En route the pesky AC converter powering various, asundry devices necessary for my particular line of work, decides to begin incessant screaming, an indication of under-voltage. The laptop computer/GPS doesn’t like it either and goes into standby mode, depriving me of directions within the labyrinthine environs. I twiddle and diddle with the various plugs and wires to no avail. About this time I notice the “Battery Low Voltage” light on the instrument panel is locked in solid.

Not a “Good Thing”. Fortunately the alternator was producing sufficient voltage to allow the ignition system to continue it’s function, lest motivation via shanks-ponies would soon follow. Providence indeed allowed me to abort mission and RTB for repairs. I managed to get it to my local ace mechanic’s garage and lo and behold he has a light schedule today and repairs are in progress as I pen this tale of multiple misfortune and woe. Hopefully in the next few hours and $300 lighter in the bank account, the spy-car will be ready to swing into action once again. Oh did I forget to mention, this followed a battery replacement to the tune of another $75 on Saturday and overdue service at a unnamed lubricating services establishment with a $120 tab.

One day lost wages= Expensive
Automotive Repairs= Very Expensive
Blood Pressure= Astronomical
Shit/Funny Factor= Priceless

The good news should be, the Empire’s bad karma should be dissipated for this week anyway. Maybe.

Good Luck out there, and don’t forget that proper imprecations go a long way to alleviate the stress. When eating the shit-sandwiches of life, it’s best to take large bites, don’t chew and swallow quickly.

F.E.T.E.

[Update #1: Obviously nothing is EVER easy. Seems not only did the alternator quit alternating, but in the process of doing so, burned the wiring harness from the battery. High amperage heat melts copper as well as steel (note to Rosie O’ Donuts). Of course it’s not a simple little piece of nice insulated wire but an entire harness. But wait there’s more, it’s a dealer item and not in stock locally. Wednesday for a delivery date, meaning, your’s truly will be running the tab more stratospheric, renting a vehicle while the other one sits, laughing at it’s owner. As Le Ann Rimes puts it, something’s gotta give. Shoot me. Just SHOOT ME. -JB]

[Update #2: G_d in his infinite wisdom, chose to have mercy on this poor recidivist sinner. My masterful mechanic managed to repair the damaged wiring at no extra charge, saving me an extra $100 on the replacement part. The Aston-Martin DB-Kia is ready to go back to work. But the score is still shit happens in Fours, see Spats comment #11 below. By the way, find a good local garage and mechanic whenever possible, you wouldn’t believe the dealership quote for that repair.-JB]

Comments 32 Comments »

Okay, so I’m enjoying a brief respite from my hectic schedule as a PC repair-type guy when a ticket comes in:

Client states that her local printer will not power on. Client states that the printer was working fine on Tuesday. She states that she has tried plugging the printer into another location but this has not worked. Please ensure that the printer is connected properly.

So, after lunch, I drive to the location.  Find the customer.

“Aw, man, no, this printer will not work at all  and I’ve tried everything and can you pleeeeeeeeze fix it…”

Ad infinitum, ad-friggin’-nauseam.

Start at the back of the printer.  Connected.  Trace the cord down to the AC power brick.  It’s not connected to the power cord.  Connect it.

Start pulling the power cord.  It’s not hooked into the wall.  Plug it in.  Printer comes on immediately.

Customer’s jaw hits the floor.  And with a straight face (and I swear to Cthulu, that was the hardest part - keeping the straight face), I say “thank you” and walk out the door back to my car.

And for this, I get paid about $45K annually. 

Comments 55 Comments »

In honor of the Cretinous, Carpet-munching Cetacean™ leaving “The Spew”, in order to graze on greener pastures, we bring you this public service message to remind all of you wimmin-folk out there to make sure that you see your groinicologist at least yearly.

Rosie View

Comments 24 Comments »