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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Archive for History
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Archive for the “History” Category

1692 — In Salem, Bridget Bishop is sentenced to death for witchcraft based on the fact that she went to taverns, had been married three times and wore a neckline below her nose. The joys of Puritanism. In order to avoid appearing frivolous by wasting firewood, the Puritans hang her by the neck instead of giving her the traditional death at the stake. In October, after 18 more executions for the crimes of dancing, owning more than one pair of shoes and uttering more than three swear words a week, the Governor finally gets wise to what the Puritans are up to (nobody much wants to be anywhere near them) and puts and end to the nonsense. It will be more than 300 years before anybody tries to institute Sharia law in the United States again.

1752 — Benjamin Franklin decides to fly a kite in a thunderstorm, suggesting that he might not have been in full possession of all of his marbles at all times. Fortunately, G-d loves him a lot. Even more fortunately, trial lawyers haven’t been invented yet, saving poor Franklin from bankruptcy for having forgotten to clearly state that “flying a kite in a thunderstorm can be dangerous to your health.”

1881 — Lev Tolstoy disguises himself as a peasant and sneaks off in search of a monastery. If he’d had any sense, he would’ve tried to sneak into a convent instead.

1917 — The Italians, having failed for 2 years and 235,000 casualties to move the frontlines far enough for it to be visible on a map, try once again in the Trentino region. 23,000 casualties later, they’re still stuck on the same mountaintop, forced to listen to the incessant yodeling from the Austrians, sitting on theirs.

1940 — Italy declares war on Britain and, since it seems like the hip thing to do, france as well. I mean, why not? The Germans, still remembering the Italian feats of arms during WWI, wisely decide to tell the Italians to just sit tight and not touch anything.

1966Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? is approved for production by the Hays office on the condition that it may not be viewed by anyone under the age of 18. Hundreds of thousands of high school and college students all over the world would have appreciated it if, instead, anything actually written by Virginia Woolf had been banned outright, even though her writings have proven highly beneficial in the treatment of insomnia.

2002 — Clint Messina and his associate, Rose Houk, of Louisiana are arrested after an intense 15-mile-chase in a stolen donut truck. Louisiana police later demands, unsuccessfully, that he be given the death penalty for appropriating a vital police resource.

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632 — Mohammed finally dies of the clap in his favorite wife Aysha’s (who has just reached puberty) arms, reminiscing about the good old days when he raped her at age 9. Unfortunately, the evil death cult that he founded fails to die with him.

1917 — PM David Lloyd George calls an emergency cabinet meeting to discuss what on Earth to do about the war, as he has just come to realize that he’s allied with the french, a fact that has eluded him up until that moment. Wondering just why Britain should be bothered with lifting the burden of the mutineering and revolting (in more ways than one) french, a thoroughly understandable position, he is nevertheless convinced to carry on fighting by Sir Douglas Haig, who assures him that “just one more push” will send the damned Boche running all the way to Berlin. About half a million British dead later, Haig has managed to send the Germans strolling all the way back to their second trench line, although some historians point out that he did capture three pounds of bratwurst and a bowl of sauerkraut as well. 9 months after Haig’s “last big push”, the Germans, still stubbornly refusing to relocate to Berlin, launch their “Kaiser’s Battle” Spring offensive, nearly making it all the way to Paris.

1935 — Joan Rivers is born. But don’t remind her about it unless you want your eyes scratched out.

1941 — In a bid to prevent the pro-Axis ruler of Iraq, Rashid Ali, from gaining access to the Mediterranean and a supply line to the Axis, the British pre-emptively invade Syria and Lebanon. Finding both countries defended by frenchmen, the British end up with the entire afternoon off for tea and cricket. Losses on the Allied side include one punctured tire, half a kidney pie accidentally dropped from an APC and Moshe Dayan’s left eye. (The latter by far the most serious loss but, on the other hand, it did make him look wickedly cool during his later Arab-stomping sprees).

1949 — The FBI publishes a report containing a list of Hollywood communists. Today, it would be considerably easier to publish a list of Hollywood conservatives, even if you included all three of them.

1968 — Robert Kennedy is buried three days after having been shot by an undocumented immigrant who came to the country to shoot the Kennedys that no Americans will shoot.

1986 — Kurt Waldheim, a former Nazi interpreter and intelligence officer for a unit stationed in the Balkans, is elected President of Austria. Having failed to pull off a reverse Anschluss by annexing Germany, he chooses not to run for re-election in 1992.

1999 — Thomas Harris’ Hannibal appears in bookstores all over the nation. Sales of Chianti and Fava Beans plummet inexplicably shortly thereafter. Again.

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…a concept shamelessly stolen from LC & IB Jeff Goldstein.

1866 — Chief Seattle, tired of the endless rain, dies at the age of 77. 141 years later, it’s still raining and Chief Seattle remains dead. Some things never change.

1893 — Mohandas Gandhi embarks upon a lifetime career of civil disobedience by managing to get himself kicked off a train in Pietermaritzburg, South Africa. Encouraged by this early success, Gandhi continues to make a pain of himself by refusing to do all manner of things in South Africa as well as India, ultimately leading to the downfall of the increasingly exasperated British Raj. Critics suggest that his career of disobedience actually began decades earlier when he refused to eat his vegetables.

1913 — Hudson Stuck, having nothing better to do, becomes the first to climb to the top of Mt McKinley. Shortly thereafter, he sets a second record by becoming the first to climb down again. To this day, people continue to climb up and down Mt McKinley for no good reason at all, other than the fact that it’s there.

1917 — The British Expeditionary Forces blow up Messines Ridge in Flanders by setting off nearly 1 million tonnes of explosives buried under it over a period of 18 months. Unfortunately for the Germans, they’re still sitting on the ridge when it happens. After successfully taking over the hole in the ground where Messines Ridge used to be, Field Marshal Douglas Haig opens the Third Battle of Ypres and succeeds, after months of heavy fighting in the mud, in gaining control of almost 15 yards of muddy countryside at the modest cost of 300,000 Allied casualties.

1942 — The Battle of Midway ends, along with any hopes Hirohito might have had of winning the war.

1954 — The Ford Motor Company Edsel Design Team goes to work. Unfortunately for Ford, nobody has the good sense to tell them to go home again.

1971 — The Supreme Court overturns the conviction of Paul Cohen for disturbing the peace by wearing a jacket with the f-word on it, ruling that vulgarity is protected speech. 31 years later, His Imperial Majesty launches “The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler”, demonstrating the lack of wisdom in that ruling.

1972 — McGovern tours the nation, campaigning against the war and promising to “go anywhere in the world” to end the war. The voters subsequently decide that “anywhere in the world” does not include the White House.

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