Archive for July, 2007
Submitted by LC Joe Dromedary A&IG/GWN:
House Majority Whip James Clyburn (D-S.C.) said Monday that a strongly positive report on progress on Iraq by Army Gen. David Petraeus likely would split Democrats in the House and impede his party’s efforts to press for a timetable to end the war.
We suppose we should stay his execution for long enough to give him credit for being honest, something that is rarer than hens’ teeth where Dhimmicrats are concerned.
Damn that General Petraeus, possibly putting a stick in the wheel of the DemCong Surrender Train by daring to go actually win a war for his nation! Doesn’t he know that there is one thing and one thing only that matters in this Universe, and that is to secure DemCong rule over the nation, even if it means that there isn’t a nation left to lord it over.
Try them, convict them and execute them for treason.
Or, if that’s too rough for you, let’s just cram them into container ships and send them off to whichever totalitarian dystopia they’re worshiping at the moment, because a free country has absolutely no use for them. Whatsoever. They’d probably fuck up the harvest if we used them as fertilizer.
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Well you just might tune into some radio, ya’ know?
I’ll be on the RANT tonight over at RadioCIA. 7-10 pm CT.
The link embedded up there will take you to the “Listen Now” page and just select your player of choice, with Windows Media Player at the bottom, if you don’t have Winamp installed.
Not to worry with the off-spring in earshot, it’s strictly PG programming as always. Besides the more you tune in, the more pressure I can keep on His Rottiness from joining the CIA Network.
[Keep me from joining? Gee, thanks — Emp. M.]
Thanks Rotts !!!- JB
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So there we were, cruising through Dallas in the Imperial Motorcade when, all of a sudden, a big yellow DART bus crosses the road in front of us, sporting a giant ad for a new movie.
Nothing wrong with that, capitalism is a wonderful thing, but something struck His Majesty as slightly, shall we say, boneheadedly moronic in the tag line for said movie, proudly displayed in 256pt fonts:
“ONE NATION… UNDER DOG”
Try to spell “dog” backwards. Hysterically funny, isn’t it? And that’s leaving the whole question about the Pledge of Allegiance out of it.
Now, before anybody succumbs to the temptation and starts accusing me of hyperventilating, let me make a few things clear: I’m not suggesting that Disney, dumb as they are, are part of a Vast Conspiracy to Ridicule the One True Faith™ or that they’re deliberately taking a swipe at, oh, 80% of their target demographic, I’m just suggesting that maybe they didn’t quite think that one through before they started plastering buses and billboards with that fantastically “clever” tag line.
Consider it tragically belated friendly advice.
You might want to consider firing everybody in marketing. From a cannon. Into the nearest large body of water.
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Thanks to Sir Christopher, we learn that the bean sprouts of New Zealand have discovered the Greek classics. Or, at the very least, one Greek classic:
A new phenomenon in New Zealand is taking the idea of you are what you eat to the extreme.
Vegansexuals are people who do not eat any meat or animal products, and who choose not to be sexually intimate with non-vegan partners whose bodies, they say, are made up of dead animals.
So much for our life-long fantasy of being vigorously abused by a bony vegan of indeterminate secondary sexual characteristics. (In case you clicked on the link above, the Imperial Department of Xenobiology informs us that they have a 79% confidence that the specimen on the left is the female of the two in the picture. Then again, they do have access to some seriously high tech equipment and the largest database in the known universe).
The co-director of the New Zealand Centre for Human and Animal Studies at Canterbury University, Annie Potts, said she coined the term after doing research on the lives of “cruelty-free consumers”.
Personally, we can’t think of anything more cruel than constantly being a pain in the arse when eating out, forcing everybody else to choose between either eating at the “Tofu Turducken” or listening to a stick insect whine, piss and moan for the entire meal about how there’s never anything on the menu for a poor vegan to eat. Here, eat one of the potted plants, you freak.
Actually, the sadistic pleasure they take in ruining everybody else’s perfectly good time with their endless sermonizing, histrionics and general lack of congeniality is one of the few things that His Majesty finds endearing about vegans but, then again, we are a sadist.
Where were we? Oh yes, “vegansexuals”, defined by the old Imperial Encyclopedia Galactica as “somebody who likes to have wild, reckless sex with cacti.” We guess we’ll have to submit an update for that entry now.
Cruelty-Free Consumption in New Zealand: A National Report on the Perspectives and Experiences of Vegetarians and other Ethical Consumers asked 157 people nationwide about everything from battery chickens to sexual preferences.
Sex with battery-operated chickens? So, tell us, which planet is this “New Zealand” on anyways? We may have to set up a planetary quarantine.
Many female respondents described being attracted to people who ate meat, but said they did not want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies were made up of animal carcasses.
Quick, who’ll be the first to inform those cerebrally deficient life forms that their entire bodies are, in fact, “animal carcasses?” More importantly, who’ll be the first to record the slackjawed expression on their faces and the vacant gaze from their eyes? Now there’s something we don’t want to miss.
“It’s a whole new thing – I have not come across it before,” said Potts.
And, if it weren’t for you, nobody else would’ve either. We’ll have to think up a suitable — reward for that.
One vegan respondent from Christchurch said: “I believe we are what we consume, so I really struggle with bodily fluids, especially sexually.”
Alright already… That is quite enough! Hellooooo lunch! And that was the best damn baby seal filet that we’d had in weeks too!
We’ll just stick with Lysistrate, thank you very much.
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Thanks to LC Nerbygirl, we learn that there’s a doozy of a movie out that all self-respecting Anti-Idiotarians ought to own a copy of, at least judging by the trailer.
After all, somebody making a movie about the massively moronic mountain of mendacity that is also known as Michael Moore…
What’s not to like???
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His Imperial Majesty is well aware of the ongoing raging debate about whether or not the Republican candidates should appear for a re-run of CNN’s newly patented “let’s ask the candidates a bunch of questions made mainly by loony nutroots with an IQ slightly below rutabaga” format. It looks like the GOP hopefuls are bowing out, and the resulting debate among political junkies (of which His Majesty is one when he’s not busy oppressing brown-skinned people and planning punitive expeditions to the far reaches of space) has been — interesting.
Depending on how you define interesting, of course.
Obviously, His Rottieness has the perfect and ultimate answer to the question, as is always the case. We wouldn’t be Emperor if it were otherwise, and it seems so obvious that we’ve refrained from providing the masses with it, hoping against hope that they’d eventually come around to the only way of seeing things on an issue that is an absolute no-brainer.
But seeing as how the debate is still ongoing, we’ve finally decided that enough’s enough, so here’s the answer. You may now stop debating amongst yourselves, because the truth hath been spoken and the debate is over:
Of COURSE they should participate. Why not? Because the questions are all going to be industrial grade nutrooty insanity? As opposed to what, people? This is CNN we’re talking about, after all, and it’s not like any of those clowns have had a thought in the last decade or two that wasn’t helpfully printed out for them in 36pt, boldface, scarlet red Arial on a fax straight from the DNC. With illustrations.
The only difference is that, for once, the retarded questions will be coming straight from the fever swamps of Marxist delusions as opposed to being read aloud by a numbskulled drone with perfect hair and a pay grade three orders of magnitude above any actual qualifications that he might, at some point in his life, have aspired to. Hey, anything that shuts those airheads up, even if it is only for a few precious minutes, is one of G-d’s many gifts to man.
On the other hand, if they DON’T participate they’ll be forever branded as a bunch of sniveling nitwits afraid to make fun of mentally disabled people in public, something that should be a mandatory civic duty if you ask us, but we digress sadistically… Afraid of the nutroots? Are you sure that’s a label you’d like to carry around until November ‘08, GOP candidates? Because if it is, then we can only say that our expectations about you bland, equivocating, droning panel of nobodies have been fully justified. You can’t find it in yourselves to offer a chuckle and roll your eyes as a response to some of the most pathologically daft individuals in the Empire airing their insane conspiracy theories, yet you want us to believe that you can stare down, say, Mahmoud Ahmadinnerjacket?
Right. Release the tigers and bring on the next candidate, if you please.
So here’s the quick and dirty analysis from the Smartest Individual in the Universe, The Defender of the Clue and Wielder of the ClueHammer of Doom, His Majesty Misha I:
If you do participate, you’ll be faced with retarded questions bearing no resemblance to reality. In other words, no difference whatsoever from a standard CNN sponsored “debate.”
If you don’t participate, you’ll not only come off as nadless cowards, you’ll be sending an open invite to every tough guy and gal in the universe to come give you a wedgie and watch you cry.
Simple enough for you, or do we have to drag out the A/V aids?
Should the format be changed to make it at least slightly less idiotic? Why, what a splendid idea, and there have been a few suggestions, the only one of which worth considering comes from LC & IB Patterico:
I have an idea of my own. Do the debate, and then set up a new round for each party under these rules:
Each set of candidates answers questions picked by the candidates for the other party.
Democrats pick questions for Republicans, and vice versa.
The potential for interesting questions is limitless.
Brilliantly simple, eminently workable and, on top of everything else, the entertainment potential is positively enormous! Which, when you think about it, might actually make those clown shows worth tuning in to in the first place.
Serious? Worthy of our political system?
Frankly, our political system isn’t worthy of appearing in a whorehouse vaudeville act, so spare us that bit and, as far as “serious” goes, we repeat:
As opposed to what, exactly?
At least we’d get to laugh at the moronic convergence that we refer to as “election politics” in this country which, at least to some extent, would alleviate the pain when one of the worthless empty suits ends up in the White House and proceeds to forget every single promise he ever made while screwing us over royally.
Works for us.
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Thanks to our awesome blogsis, the Duchess Rachel Lucas.
Of course, they could be full of bovine excrement, it is the MSMidiots after all, but assuming that what they say is true, then we really need to tip our Imperial Crown to Barron Hilton, the “Old Man” of the Hilton dynasty:
PARTY princess Paris Hilton is $60 million out of pocket after her billionaire grandfather - appalled by her jail term for drink-driving offences - axed her inheritance.
Family patriarch Barron Hilton was already embarrassed by his granddaughter’s wild behaviour - notably when her home sex video was leaked on the internet.
But the 79-year-old considered her 23-day sentence last month the last straw.
$60 million! That’s six zeroes after the “60″, LCs and GLORs. That sure beats being grounded for a week and losing your allowance for a month, doesn’t it?
“He was, and is, extremely embarrassed by how the Hilton name has been sullied by Paris,” says Jerry Oppenheimer, who wrote a biography of the clan called House Of Hilton.
“He now doesn’t want to leave unearned wealth to his family.”
Looks like at least one member of the Hilton family knows something about old fashioned values such as “thou shalt not fuck everything with a pulse like a randy rabbit on an overload of ecstasy and thou shalt not think that a bloated bank account means that you’re above the law.”
So how’s that wild and care-free lifestyle working out for you, Paris? We think that you’ll find that your newsworthiness and desirability among the “in crowd” will experience a rather precipitous drop now that you don’t come with an inheritance the size of the GDP of Luxembourg. But not to worry, dear. “Money doesn’t buy happiness”, right? After all, you’re an extremely talented actress in your own right, at least according to the PR people hoping to keep their trunks firmly embedded in your family fortune. Oops…
Maybe you can find some solace in a pity fuck with your best buddy Lindsay. Once she gets out of the slammer, that is.
Oh well. Grandpa will most likely have a change of heart and re-include you in the will, grandparents are known for their big, soft hearts, but talk about a wake-up call. Not to mention that he’s doing you a huge favor, seeing as how we doubt that anything other than a threat to the future of your unearned income and the sheer horror that having to work for your money must hold for you will manage to make it through your fantastically dense skull.
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No, we’re not kidding you, and the violent asswipe is none other than Captain Hook himself, the one-armed wonder of Finsbury Park, who was, at long last, imprisoned for openly inciting violence and murder. You could add felony chutzpah to the charges now, were it a crime.
The wife of Abu Hamza, the jailed Muslim cleric, has complained about her husband’s treatment in a high-security London prison.
Hamza, 49, dubbed the “preacher of hate”, is serving seven years for inciting the murder of non-Muslims.
In a letter to a London-based Islamic organisation, Nagat Mostafa, 46, said her husband claimed to be the victim of racist bullying and Islamophobia in Belmarsh jail.
We believe it’s time to bring out our Imperial Nanotech Violinist again:
Play us a song, Mr. Nanotech Violinist, and make it a really, really sad one.
Her letter to al-Maqreze Centre for Historical Studies was sent shortly after Hamza - who is fitted with hooks on both hands - underwent surgery in May to remove an inch of bone from his left arm stump, which had become infected.
That’s what happens when you use your stump to pound yourself up the arse while you long for your sweet goat Fatima that you had to leave behind.
She wrote: “I would like to bring to your attention the current plight of my husband…
Please do. Especially if his plight is a particularly nasty and gruesome one. We could surely use the laugh.
“The reason that his arm needed further amputation was because of the removal of his prostheses, resulting in him constantly putting pressure on the remainder of his fore limbs.
Awww… They took away his hook! By the way, we note with approval that you didn’t refer to the animal’s upper appendages as his “forearms“, suggesting that you must have done very well indeed in Biology.
As there is no soft furnishing in his cell,
Hold it a minute. We’re going to have to go ask Mr. Nanotech Violinist to tone it down a bit. He’s getting quite carried away right now.
he has been suffering considerable pain…
Mmmmm… Sweet, sweet pain… Pardon us, love, while we try to rearrange the woody we suddenly seem to be sporting.
After surgery, before he had even recovered from the anaesthetic,
They used anaesthetics? Thanks for letting us know. That’s going out of their pay.
he was returned to Belmarsh, only to be told he had to move from his cell to another one. He was so weak and unable to stand that he refused, resulting in him being put in solitary confinement…
Guess he did move to another cell after all then, didn’t he? Seeing as how he allegedly “couldn’t stand”, we hope that the warden had him kicked and rolled all the way. Down several flights of stairs.
“My husband says the racist bullying and Islamophobia against him have intensified.”
Oh the poor dear. You do realize that your poor darling put-upon master was thrown in the slammer for openly inciting his 7th century followers to murder unbelievers, don’t you? We’re just saying this to point out the true magnitude of our supreme indifference to his plight. Is there a pisslamic version of the saying “what goes around, comes around?”
The contents of the letter were disclosed by the Maqreze Centre, which called the cleric’s treatment “unjust” and said it feared he could die behind bars.
One man’s fear is another man’s fondest, most cherished hope.
An estimated one in six of Belmarsh’s 920 prisoners is Muslim. Prison officers gave warning last week of the threat of extremists “radicalising” inmates.
Steve Gough, the vice-chairman of the Prison Officers’ Association, said: “If you go to Belmarsh you’d see 20 going to Friday prayers a few years ago. Now you’ll see 150.
“Put it this way, we’re a power station and you don’t want us to explode. The radical Muslims make the IRA look like kittens.”
We hope that you’re just saying this because you want to fix the problem by shooting them in the back of the head.
Because if you’re saying it to suggest that it would be better if those raging psychotics were let loose to roam free among defenseless women and children in order to not inconvenience your precious barge-arse with their presence in your jails, then we have some plans for you too.
We haven’t fleshed the details of those plans out as of yet, but when we read aloud a very preliminary draft to a serial murderer, rapist and cannibal locked in the Imperial Dungeon, he projectile vomited for three hours straight, dug his fingers into his ears and ripped out his eardrums with his fingernails, and he hasn’t been doing much other than drooling and shivering ever since.
Everyone’s a critic these days, and we hadn’t even added the truly nasty bits yet.
UPDATE: As a service to mankind and compassion, LC & IB Howie at The Jawa Report offers a previous statement of Abu Hookhand’s to see if we can’t evoke at least some sympathy for the horribly persecuted Haji:
According to Abu Hamza, Jewish people were subhuman and no further up the evolutionary scale than monkeys. It was Allah’s will that they should be exterminated. He even seemed to suggest that Adolf Hitler had been sent to earth by Allah to carry out the task. ‘Not only did they become monkeys, but Allah put a law on Earth that wherever always Allah will send in people to humiliate them, to kill them, and to punish them. And Hitler is not far from us,’ said Hamza….
Nope. Not a twitch on the SympathyMeter™ here either, Howie. We both seem to have them calibrated just fine.
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In my ongoing battle against spam, I have found yet a new version of it: Registration Spam.
Like its other infestations, spambots have started to flood weblogs with fake user registrations. I have been getting a lot of new registrations from firstname.lastname@example.org or something similar. They are starting to infest the membership lists, and before you know it, it gives the spammer an open door to your blog.
Well, no more.
I have installed the next generation of Anti-Spam. Actually, it is probably the most simplest of all of the anti-spam solutions.
It is called Trubar 4.0(Silent), and what it does is places a cookie on your computer before you start writing a comment. Then, when you submit the comment through POST, it checks to see if that cookie is on your computer. If it is, you can post. If not, well, you know…
Why the cookie?
Most spam is sent through SPAMbots. SPAMbots cannot collect and retrieve cookies. The cookie is set when you take your mouse and click it in the text area for the comment. SPAMbots not only don’t see the textarea, they don’t have mice.
If you have any problems, you can email me, or leave me a comment. (unless you are using a Hosting Matters email because they are blocking my IP address for mail.)
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Finally, we learn who is really behind the slaughter in Darfur:
Sudan’s defense minister, Abdel Rahim Mohamed Hussein, has accused “24 Jewish organizations” of “fueling the conflict in Darfur” last week in an interview with a Saudi newspaper.
Hussein was interviewed during an official state-visit to the Saudi kingdom last week. A journalist from Saudi Arabia’s Okaz newspaper asked Hussein: “Some people are talking about the penetration of Jewish organizations in Darfur and that there is no conflict there?”
“The Darfur issue is being fuelled by 24 Jewish organizations, who are making the largest amount of noise over the issue, and using the Holocaust in their campaigning,” the Sudanese defense minister replied.
I’ve bloody well gottdamm HAD it with those knuckledragging, goat-molesting, 7th century wastes of protoplasm.
Is it possible to aerosolize Thorazine and spray the whole fucking retarded mooselimb world with it?
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