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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Imperial Press Briefing
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Since nobody’s ever going to offer us the job, we’ve decided to just go ahead and take it anyway. We are Emperor, after all. So move over, Tony, we’ll field the questions for this one:

Be seated, morons, and don’t speak unless invited to. Things are going to be run a bit differently around here from now on, and we strongly suggest that you adapt quickly. That ditch that is being dug outside isn’t a fancy moat, you know. Now, the first question?

“Is the administration trying to get GAO to revise some of their assessments in their Iraq report?”

No. The Pentagon, however, having now read the draft report from the GAO and managed to stop laughing hysterically, are having a cordial meeting with the GAO down the hall. Way down the hall. It would appear that there were a few inaccuracies in the draft that the people who actually have people on the ground in Iraq would like to — address prior to publication. Some areas were less than accurate.

“In what area?”

Hard at hearing? You’ll note, if you rewind that little tape recorder that you obviously have no idea what to do with, that I said “areas.” That’s plural for “area.” As to what specific areas, I’d strongly suggest that you talk to the Pentagon. I suppose that I could get a list, but I don’t expect that we would have time to go through it.

“The administration, or the White House is not very enthusiastic about this report — is that correct?”

First you claim to know what the White House thinks, then you ask me if it’s correct. Make up your mind. Are you, or are you NOT Miss Cleo?

“But wouldn’t it fair to assume that the administration has an interest in making it appear better than the negative way in which it seems in the draft?”

Would it be fair to accuse the administration of wanting to deliberately fudge the facts and lie to the American people? Gee, that’s a tough one. Why don’t you tell me once you come back from the Imperial dungeons? If you come back, that is. Guards! Remove that piece of excrement from my press room.

“Democrats are saying that this GAO report basically shows that President Bush’s Iraq strategy is not working. How do you respond to them? Why should they not view it that way?”

Respond? To Democrats? My G-d, you look as if you really are serious, don’t you? Well, since spankings are out of the question and we can’t send them to their rooms… How about responding to them as we’re going to respond to you? As in ‘not at all?’ Next.

“Where do you get that information that sectarian violence, you said, is down 75 percent?”

Hmmm… Let’s see, what’s his name again? Oh yes, General Petraeus. You know, that guy in uniform who has some 140,000 people on the ground in Iraq? Yep, that would be the guy.

“The GAO found no difference in overall violence.”

And who are we going to believe? The GAO who wouldn’t be able to find Iraq on a map if it was circled in red and had a big flag punched in it or the General in charge of ground operations over there? Next. Or, if you insist, could you please stand still for a second? I’d hate to hit the guy next to you by mistake.

“A couple days ago, The Washington Post reported that — you mentioned the NIE — they reported that when the NIE went around in draft form, General Petraeus saw it and didn’t like some of the findings and succeeded in basically watering down what the spy agencies had come up with. What’s the process like? Are you tinkering with these reports?”

No. It’s called, and I realize full well that it’s something that you journalists are completely unfamiliar with, a ‘review process’, and it works something like this. Don’t worry, I’ll keep it simple: Somebody writes a draft with their best estimate, then they circulate it for review among other people who might know a thing or two about the subject as well, suggestions and corrections are made and then, as if by magic, what’s called a ‘final report’ appears.

Nifty, isn’t it? You should try it one day.

It’s also sometimes referred to as ‘factchecking.’ Oops. Glazed your eyes right over with that one, didn’t I?

“But clearly they talked to him for factual input earlier in the — I’m talking about the end of the process. Do you think your 16 spy agencies did this report without –”

OK, just for the record, what are those ’spy agencies’ that you’re talking about? The KGB? Mossad? The Mickey Mouse Club?

“Intelligence agencies.”

Thank you. Kindly speak the same language as the rest of us and put down Mao’s Little Red Book for a moment, and we all might be able to follow along as you rummage around in your empty skull for a question. Do continue…

“Do you think that they did not — do you think that they did not reach out to General Petraeus and other commanders earlier in the process? Are you saying that they just made it up on their own?”

Not to put too fine a point on it but yes, that generally is how things work when you’re writing an Intelligence Estimate. You use the information available to you, then estimate from that. Again: Estimate. Look it up. Not quite the same as ‘making stuff up’, but I realize that you, being a journalist, have to stay with concepts that you know something about.

You’re not suggesting that General Petraeus is making stuff up, are you? Well, are you?

“Well, The Washington Post report suggested that, saying, he “succeeded in having the security judgment softened to reflect improvements in recent months.”"

This is what we, back here on planet Earth, usually refer to as providing input to the draft, suggesting corrections to make the draft fit better with actual reality, yes. If we didn’t want the General’s input, there wouldn’t be much point in asking him to take a look at it, would there?

Excuse me for a moment: Did I walk into the wrong room here? Is this the White House daycare facility, or are you all really that unfamiliar with the most basic concepts of life?

“Is it true you’re not going to ask for any more money for this war?”

Yeah. We’ll be arranging a bake sale on the White House lawn tomorrow to finance the war. That was sarcasm, by the way. What are you? Retarded? That was a rhetorical question, by the way. Do take notes. This is a wonderful learning experience for you.

“What is the President going to ask for?”

I know what I’m asking for right now, but somehow I don’t think lightning will penetrate the roof of this building, so I don’t expect my request to be heard. Here’s a question for you: Why don’t we wait until the President has been told, by his Generals, what they actually need? It would seem logical, don’t you think?

“And $50 billion is –”

*BANG!*

Sorry about the splatter, but you really should put on the nice disposable aprons outside the briefing room, you know. We didn’t hang them there for show.

Anybody else want to ask stupid questions about something that I’ve already answered?

“So you have no idea what more money is needed?”

*BANG! BANG!*

Damn it. I thought I got him the first time. That’s what I get for not double-tapping. Next.

“Are you worried that there’s going to be an increase in attacks during September in an attempt to influence –”

Not half as worried as you and the Dem Cong are that there won’t be an increase in attacks.

“Do you see any evidence that that’s been going on during the summer?”

That was a rhetorical question, right? RIGHT? Thought so.

“Topic change. As the head of the party, is the President concerned that the events surrounding Senator Craig are harmful to Republicans?”

Only to any Republicans who’ve been sleeping with Senator Craig. They might want to go see their primary care physicians.

“Does he believe he should resign?”

No. He believes he should be publicly flogged. Sadly, our system doesn’t allow for that. Very sadly, I might add, having met you.

“Back to Iraq. You said that this is a season of reports. Does the President give all these reports equal weight, or does he believe that the Petraeus-Crocker report is the most important?”

Damn, that’s a tough one. Which is more likely to be factually accurate? A report from somebody riding a desk in an air-conditioned office Stateside, or one coming from somebody with tens of thousands of troops in theatre? Damn, that’s a tough one. I’ll have to get back to you on that one. I’ll even give you a 10 minute head start just to show you what a swell guy I am.

“Secondly, he’s about to go to Australia. How will he get briefed by Petraeus and Crocker prior to their testimony? Could you just give us sort of a lay of the land somewhat?”

Damn, I don’t know. By meeting with them, perhaps? Or maybe telephones? Heard about those? They’re really neat, you know. Christ almighty you guys are dense.

“You said the GAO is obviously a draft report, but they set out to assess whether these benchmarks have been met or not. Are you asserting that that is too tough a standard?”

I’m asserting that a draft is different from a final report. I’ve been asserting that for quite a while now, and if you’re thinking about asking me to do so again, I suggest you might want to consider other options.

“You talked about Iran meddling inside Iraq. The President has mentioned it many times. Iraq’s Foreign Minister today criticized Iran for literally bombarding the Kurdish areas in the north with artillery shipments. Do you have any response to that?”

Sure: You better cut out that shit, Ahmadinnerjacket, or pretty soon you’ll be able to read in the dark without the benefit of a night lamp. Just saying, ’s all.

“Well, what about the shelling in the north?”

Bad idea. Really, really, bad, dumb STUPID idea. Does that about cover it, or should I break out the crayons and whiteboard for you?

“Tony, two questions. First, we are again celebrating India — of India. Question I have is as far as Pakistan is concerned, former Prime Minister Bhutto has agreed that General Musharraf will take off his military — you think this political marriage will work?”

We’re celebrating India of India and General Musharraf is about to take off his military?

Is English your second, third or fifteenth language? Is there a remote chance that you’ll start making sense one day? If so, please come back to me with an actual question, worded in a fashion that will allow me to understand what the fuck you’re trying to ask.

“The second, as far as Osama bin Laden is concerned, yesterday –”

Why don’t you ask Osama? Far as I know, you gentlemen and -women of the press seem to be much more intimate with him than the rest of us. At least if your constant broadcasting of every remixed propaganda tape of his is anything to go by.

“– on WTOP said that — he was quoting a newspaper in Pakistan — that Osama bin Laden was dead in 2005 because of kidney failure. But recent report was saying that Osama bin Laden is alive in Pakistan. Where do we stand on his well-being or death?”

I don’t know. Where do you stand? As far as where we stand goes, we’d much prefer him not being well at all and, considering that he hasn’t appeared in person on any of those videos of his, holding a current newspaper or something else that might prove that he’s alive, it’s quite likely that he’s currently being rodgered ferociously by Satan himself.

“Is bin Laden on dialysis?”

How the fuck would I know? I mean, really. Do I look like his fucking family physician? Helloooo… Is there any sign of intelligent life in this room? All the lights are on, but it would most definitely appear that nobody’s at home anywhere.

“On the subject that Kelly had, on Senator Craig. This administration in the last couple of weeks has embraced the idea of allowing controversial figures in this administration to walk, to leave, to resign. What about –”

Would you rather we cuff them to their chairs, perhaps? Are you going somewhere with this or are you just flapping your gums to keep them from growing shut?

“The President accepted — the President accepted Karl Rove’s resignation; he accepted Gonzales’s resignation –”

I’ll just make sure that the magazine in my Kimber is topped off while I patiently wait for you to reach an actual point, if that’s alright with you.

“– because of controversy. But let me ask you –”

*BANG BANG — BANG*

Mmmm… Mozambique. The correct way of prefacing a question is ‘may I ask you…’ Also, ‘please’ works rather well.

“Let me ask you this: Do you think that this administration is viewing, behind the walls, that Craig should leave because it is not a good idea –”

*BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG*

And yes, I did top off after I put one in the pipe, in case the rest of you are wondering.

“Okay, but the similarities — Republicans were also asking for them to step down. Now, Larry Craig, Republicans are asking for Mr. Craig to step down. Do you think he is hurtful to the Republicans in 2008?”

Did you miss the part where I already answered that question? Do you wish for me to repeat my answer? Hint: You don’t.

“On Senator Warner’s comments a week ago, did the White House consider those comments to be a break with the White House on the direction forward in Iraq?”

Senator Warner is still walking around with a pulse, isn’t he? Does that answer your question?

“He talked about withdrawing — or beginning to withdraw troops this September.”

Funny old card, isn’t he? Always talking when he should be shutting up. Much like somebody else I could mention. What? I’m just looking at you. Come on out from under that chair, you pansy-arse.

“It just seems pretty clear that he was disagreeing with the White House, and it doesn’t seem like –”

If it seems that clear to you, then why are you asking me? Really. It’s almost as if you’re trying to waste my time here. Not that you’d do that, of course. That would be very, very — unwise.

“Back to Larry Craig. Is his predicament, as you call it, hurting Republicans?”

You’re the third mouthbreathing dork to ask me that question. Third time isn’t always lucky, you know. You do know what I’m trying to say here, don’t you? Judging by the puddle that you’re suddenly standing in, I’d say that you do. Once again, I already answered that.

“No, you didn’t.”

Notice how the colleagues around you are moving away from you all of a sudden? That’s a gentle hint, you know. You might want to take it.

“Your tolerance level seems to be slipping.”

I didn’t know that I had one. Are you quite done now?

“Governor Mitt Romney is quoted as describing Senator Larry Craig’s behavior as “disgusting.” Does the head of the Republican Party want you to suggest that he disagrees?”

Er? What? Do you like flowers? I’ll have some sent for you tomorrow if you do.

“Okay. Reuters reports from Harvard that Fidel Castro has just described Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama as “an apparently unbeatable ticket.” But the Reuters report did not mention either of these two U.S. Senators repudiating this endorsement. And my question: Does the leader of the Republican Party believe that Clinton and Obama should repudiate this dictator’s endorsement or not?”

Why on Earth would they do that? They haven’t repudiated their numerous previous endorsements from every other tinpot dictator on the planet, not to mention pretty much the entire leadership of al-Qaeda, dead or alive, so why break with a perfectly fine Democrat tradition?

“Since you are in a good mood –”

I am, actually. You’d hate to see me on a bad day, let me tell you. Thanks for noticing and go ahead.

“You could give me a serious answer on official motorcades, which I’ve spoken to you about earlier. Now, in the wake of this tragic — second tragic death of a motorcycle policemen, and in the wake of, actually, an incident that happened last week to me and lots of others on Rock Creek Park when we were nearly wiped out by Cheney’s motorcade, which are the biggest, the fastest and most aggressive I’ve ever seen in 40 years — why in this day and age are official motorcades necessary? Can’t they avoid narrow and windy roads where you can’t get to the side, like Rock Creek? And thirdly, why do they have to be so fast and so huge –”

Hmm… Let me see. Why do we have to have motorcades and do they have to be so fast in this day and age of global terrorism where pretty much every single member of government is on the terrorists’ hit list?

Notice that I haven’t shot you dead yet? Yep, I definitely am in a good mood today. Or maybe it’s just pity for the intellectually impaired, who knows?

“Can you tell us about when the White House was notified and what the President knows about the nerve gas that was found in the U.N.?”

Damn pity that they found those before we could set off the charges, wasn’t it?

“What about notification? Because there are some reports suggesting initially that it was only today that the New York Fire Department and Police Department found out that this was even going on, even though they found it on Friday.”

I’m sure that they weren’t aware that it was nerve gas until later. What, with the usual stench and all. It is the U.N., after all. Why do you even care? Why should anybody care?

Paula gets the last question. Sorry. In fairness.

Go ahead.

“I have a question on the S-CHIP program.”

Oh bother. Make it a good one, or it might really be the last one. For you.

“While Congress was out, the administration put out new requirements for states. And one of those requirements would require parents who were privately insured to be without insurance for one year before they can enroll their children in the S-CHIP program. And I just wondered, where are families going to get insurance from –”

Insurance companies? Just a wild guess, but I’ll be happy to investigate it further for you.

Or we could all stay around after class waiting for me to find an answer while I get progressively more annoyed, grumpy and borderline homicidal. What do you think?

Hey! Where’d everybody go?

Hmmm… I may get to like this job.

19 Responses to “Imperial Press Briefing”
  1. Unregistered Comment by Chairborne Ranger

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    :em99: :em99:
    Absolutely frakin’ hilarious. Good to see someone made good use of their day off.

  2. DдrтH бдкфи Comment by DдrтH бдкфи

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Nice stuff, but Dana Perino is far more appetizing.

    We’ll keep your application on file, though,

  3. SoCalOilMan, LC Comment by SoCalOilMan, LC

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    “Since you are in a good mood –”

    I am, actually. You’d hate to see me on a bad day, let me tell you. Thanks for noticing and go ahead.

    Sound like whipping the slaves to get the Imperial Palace in order and the new moat dug, did wonders for your disposition. :em93:

    This, and your Haditha piece, are right there for what got me to start hanging around this nut-house. :em99:

    I agree with Darth, “Dana Perino is far more appetizing.” Maybe you can have her stand next to the podium so we have something to look at while they mop up the previous questioner.

    Here she is picking your next victim, er…jounalist.

  4. maxxdog Comment by maxxdog

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    If only…

  5. LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR Comment by LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    His Imperial Sithiness™ at his finest indeed !!!

    Now it’s time for me to bump up my Depends portfolio.

    :em95:

  6. jaybear Comment by jaybear

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Emperor,

    As with the old White House press room, the Grand Dame of the press corps gets a special place…….

    just desserts

    p.s.
    Dana Perino can validate MY press pass any day!!! :em95:

  7. Unregistered Comment by Azygos

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Looks like HT has been in those stocks sense Washington’s time

  8. LCBrendan Comment by LCBrendan

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    The President will have a great time here..and the sad part is with this lockdown (I know I know security..it still sucks) he won’t see much at all :(

  9. Unregistered Comment by leoni2, LC

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Misha,

    You hit a home run with this one. If only…

  10. LC 0311 crunchie Comment by LC 0311 crunchie

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    criticized Iran for literally bombarding the Kurdish areas in the north with artillery shipments.(emph.mine)

    WTF? And these morons are supposed to be wordsmiths? :em98:

    Excellent job Sire, only one quibble, body count was to low.

  11. Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P. Comment by Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P.

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    crunchie

    only one quibble, body count was to low.

    Mayhaps an upgrade in armament is required.

    A Chicago Typewriter, perhaps?

  12. LC 0311 crunchie Comment by LC 0311 crunchie

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    A Chicago Typewriter, perhaps?

    How appropo Guido.

  13. LC 0311 crunchie Comment by LC 0311 crunchie

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Maybe this Guido?

  14. LC 0311 crunchie Comment by LC 0311 crunchie

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Damn that’s huge! Almost life size. Management? Help?!

  15. Serious Sean Comment by Serious Sean

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Excellent post Misha…you gave du Toit a run for his money as a potential WH press secretary. :D

  16. chuck Comment by chuck

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    After that audition, I wish I was in a position to hire you now. A couple of days like that and maybe we would see a few White House corespondents that actually had more than one living brain cell combined.

  17. Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P. Comment by Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P.

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    crunchie

    Maybe this Guido?

    As long as it’s in .45. After all, I am quite certain that Emperor Misha I (cognomen “The Great“) would view with disdain using any lesser caliber for the purposes of “instructing” the press corps(es)

  18. LC NCLivingBrit Comment by LC NCLivingBrit

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    As long as it’s in .45. After all, I am quite certain that Emperor Misha I (cognomen “The Great“) would view with disdain using any lesser caliber for the purposes of “instructing” the press corps(es)…

    I’d think some widely dispersed .22LR would be just the ticket. Why kill them too quick, after all? This would be nice for crowd control duties.

    http://world.guns.ru/smg/smg62-e.htm
    And now with video! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lz6r0XEif84&mode=related&search=

    If they bleed and blubber it would raise their average content coherence several points AND provide the survivors with a continuing object lesson in the wages of stupidity! And remember, below the waist isn’t attempted murder :)

    And yes, I would be available for a position as an usher/projectile dispersal technician for these functions, as long as I got an expense account for dry-cleaning and a chit for rounds.

    The Bureau of Imperial Ancillary Services

    Our motto: Shoot low, shoot often!

  19. LC NCLivingBrit Comment by LC NCLivingBrit

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Hrm, it done ate my comment!

    [Got it.  -The Management™]