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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Improvise, Adapt, Overcome
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Psychochick, whose assimilation is obviously almost complete since she already knows our tastes in news stories, sends us this heartwarming story from Oregon:

PORTLAND, Ore. - An Oregon man was sentenced to 10 years in prison Friday after hiring another man to kill his wife.

A great pity. The cowardly bastard should’ve gotten life without parole, at least. Few things aggravate me more than feral husbands trying to murder the ones they’re supposed to be willing, even eager to take a bullet for, but one of those things would be cowardly feral husbands who don’t even have the guts to do the foul, dirty, spineless deed themselves.

Anyway, that’s not the good part of the story. For that, we have to look at what happened. A story that has been reported before, but it’s so wonderful a story of self-defense, improvisation and good old fashioned American “can do” spirit that it deserves to be repeated. Also, you may have missed it the first time around, and it would be damn near criminal to deprive you of a story like that:

In September 2006, Susan found an intruder in her southeast Portland home.

“I saw a man step out of the shadows and he began to hit me in the head and the face with a hammer,” said Kuhnhausen.

Already we hear the bleeding-heart, anti-self defense, objectively pro-criminal morons howling from the peanut gallery: “Just give him what he wants and everything will be just fine!” To which, of course, any red-blooded American will respond with fair warning, followed by a quick fist to the face if the bleating moron doesn’t heed said warning immediately.

For the first time publicly, she described how, fearing for her life, she fought back.

“I got the hammer and started hitting him with the hammer several times. My father the carpenter always taught me a hammer could be used for self defense, the claw end would work the best,” said Kuhnhausen.

Mheh. We like your father, Mrs Kuhnhausen, we like your father a lot! Of course, this is a perfect example of a situation where there would have been little to no danger if the intended victim had been armed with a firearm for her own protection, so all you ladies (and gentlemen, for that matter) who still haven’t taken that step yet: take heed. It is your right, and it may just save your lives one day.

But Mrs Kuhnhausen, facing the murderer unarmed, did the right thing: Instead of bemoaning the fact that she was unarmed and submitting to the subhuman bag of waste, improvised and used what was at hand. Not optimal, but still a damn sight better than curling up in the fetal position and becoming a statistic. Good for her, and HOOAH!

The attacker was Ed Haffey, a drug addict who it turned out was hired by Michael Kuhnhausen to kill Susan.

“I yelled who sent you here, yelled again, who sent you here?” asked Kuhnhausen.

The plan failed as the emergency room nurse relied on her hospital self-defense training and began to bite, hit and choke Haffey.

Since the claw hammer didn’t do the job on its own, our heroine then proceeded to use all the other means available to her, including her teeth and hands. Note to the LCs of the Empire: Hands and teeth are quite effective. For one thing, you’re used to using your hands, making them very fast and accurate and, as far as your teeth are concerned, humans are predators. Those teeth weren’t only put in there to tear up the flesh of dead animals. Not for the squeamish, of course, but certainly better than being dead.

“He turned blue as I told him you’re not going to kill me.” said Kuhnhausen.

Instead, she killed Haffey.

Nurse 1.
Stupid, feral goblin 0.

For beating the useless waste of DNA with a clawhammer, biting him bloody with her own teeth and finally strangling the bastard to death with her own hands, Mrs Kuhnhausen is herewith awarded the Imperial Order of Self-Defense with added Bleach Emblem for valuable service in cleaning out the Gene Pool of the Empire.

Well done, Milady, well done indeed!

33 Responses to “Improvise, Adapt, Overcome”
  1. Unregistered Comment by The Lone Haranguer

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    :em41:

    Only this one doesn’t get back up. :em93:

  2. LC Wil Comment by LC Wil

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    And the Angels Sing!

    Bravo Zulu, Susan!

    PsychoChick, good catch. Thanks bunches.

  3. Unregistered Comment by CrazyFool

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    Cool! Love to hear these stories.

    And don’t forget all the interesting kinds of bacteria which live in the human mouth. Brains are the only reason we’ll at the top of the food chain.

  4. BigDogg Comment by BigDogg

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    Immediately after the incident, Kuhnhausen was asked how she planned to move on, to which she replied “I need to find a dull, rusty spoon and then go have a little chat with my husband.”

  5. LC SkyeChild G.L.O.R. Comment by LC SkyeChild G.L.O.R.

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    Wait…she didn’t ascertain his intentions first? Suppose he was just stopping by to say hello?

    /channeling moonbat

  6. Unregistered Comment by emily_nelson

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    Guns make killing goblins less messy. :em41:

  7. LC Moriarty Comment by LC Moriarty

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    … thereby redefining the phrase “Hammer Time.”

    /rimshot

    Imperial Order of Self-Defense with added Bleach Emblem

    (with Titanium Framing Device?)

  8. coalyard Comment by coalyard

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    Less messy for the gunner, which is a good thing.tm

  9. DJ Allyn,  ITW Comment by DJ Allyn, ITW

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    Dammit! Now we are going to have to ban claw hammers, or at the very least, register them.

    Thanks a fucking lot.

  10. ohio right wing nut Comment by ohio right wing nut

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    DJ
    If you outlaw hammers then only outlaws will have hammers.

    I’m declaring my house a hammer free zone, so maybe my wife will get off my ass about building this and fixing that. :em99:

  11. Beth* A. Comment by Beth* A.

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    And ban teeth. And hands. Rather complicates life…

    Oh, REGISTER them - but wouldn’t that make pockets and mouths ‘concealed carry’?

    —–
    I’m glad the nurse made it out alive. I hope he’s sentenced that her husband does indeed get some facetime with his wife, wo-mano a wimpo. He’ll yearn for prison.

  12. B.C., Imperial Torturer™ Comment by B.C., Imperial Torturer™

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Dammit! Now we are going to have to ban claw hammers, or at the very least, register them.

    Thanks a fucking lot.

    :em99: :em99: :em99:

    Dave, have you started ghost-writing stuff for Jackie Mason or Dennis Miller, lately?

  13. Unregistered Comment by Rustonite

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    Of course, this is a perfect example of a situation where there would have been little to no danger if the intended victim had been armed with a firearm for her own protection

    Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. I don’t see any evidence here that she doesn’t possess a firearm. Sometimes they’re just not immediately handy. (There’s a joke in here somewhere with the word ‘handy’, I just can’t see it right now.)

  14. DJ Allyn,  ITW Comment by DJ Allyn, ITW

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Dave, have you started ghost-writing stuff for Jackie Mason or Dennis Miller, lately?

    No, I am just one of the majority of people — Left, Right, Center — who think that there is a point of lunacy, and that some people don’t have any trouble crossing it from time to time.

  15. LC NCLivingBrit Comment by LC NCLivingBrit

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    Gotta love a dead goblin.

    Bravo to you Mrs Kuhnhausen and your father too!

    Why do I suspect her husband won’t do well in prison?

    :em99:

  16. LC Moriarty Comment by LC Moriarty

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    Sometimes they’re just not immediately handy.

    Excuses, excuses…

  17. Unregistered Comment by T

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    If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the moooooorninggg,
    I’d hammer in the eeveninngg, all over this laaand;
    I’d hammer out goblins, I’d hammer out moooooonnnbats,
    I’d hammer out dummies, the dopers, the dumb numbskulers, all over this laaaand.

    Oh, man, that hurts….. :em95:

  18. Wild-Eyed Charlie Comment by Wild-Eyed Charlie

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    I’m glad the nurse made it out alive. I hope he’s sentenced that her husband does indeed get some facetime with his wife, wo-mano a wimpo. He’ll yearn for prison. (Emphasis added.)

    Gives a new, Stephen King-ish meaning to the phrase “facetime,” doesn’t it?

    I bet her favorite movie is Silence Of The Lambs.

  19. Unregistered Comment by Gabby

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    Bravo!

    Makes my heart sing!!

  20. Unregistered Comment by leoni2, LC

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    All I can say is, good for the nurse. I guess the jerk got ‘nailed’ real good by her. As for her ex, I hope he’ll rot in jail, unless he gets hammered first.

  21. Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P. Comment by Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P.

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    Heh. She “dropped the hammer on his ass”…

  22. Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P. Comment by Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P.

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    And then, there was this waste of perfectly good oxygen…

    BTW, don’t mess with nurses. Does anyone else recall the nurse (about three four years ago, I think), who woke up to find an intruder attempting to rape her, who grabbed him by the wedding tackle and dragged him nude down the stairs to the front door, made HIM open the door, then gave his package a going away squeeze and yank before shoving him out in the cold and calling the police?

    Identification was rather easy since,

    A: They found him curled up in a ball a block or so away, blubbering like a three year old who just lost his balloon, and,
    B: His pants, with his wallet in the pocket, were lying in the upstairs hallway…

  23. Unregistered Comment by Roger Glass

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    You all should be ashamed, cheering for that vicious, murdering nurse. What about the poor addict? It’s bad enough, being condemned to the deepest pit of hell for all eternity - but to get there and find everyone laughing at you?

  24. LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech Comment by LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    The Old Feller wouldn’t sign all his annuities over to his evil wife and daughter, so they tried to kill him by fanning his head with an iron skillet.
    The entire bottom was gone, just the sides and handle were exhibited.
    He survived,,”I still love them.”

  25. Unregistered Comment by Roger Glass

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    Now, on the other hand, Sir Guido’s would-be arsonist instead setting himself aflame, then committing seppuku from the agony - that indeed is both funny, and in good taste.

  26. Mike M Comment by Mike M

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    You all should be ashamed, cheering for that vicious, murdering nurse. What about the poor addict?

    Indeed, Roger. Beyond that, there’s also the negative ripple effect to be considered. For example, this incident basically wiped out the entire hierarchy, top to bottom, of the custodial staff at a Portland adult video store. Replacing them might not be easy and those private preview booths aren’t going to clean themselves. Could be a good opportunity for a couple of well motivated “undocumented workers”, though - doing the jobs most Americans, save these two shitbags, won’t do.

  27. Unregistered Comment by leoni2, LC

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    Roger Glass,

    You all should be ashamed, cheering for that vicious, murdering nurse. What about the poor addict? It’s bad enough, being condemned to the deepest pit of hell for all eternity - but to get there and find everyone laughing at you?

    Gee, I don’t know, Roger. I think he was heading in that direction, anyway, she just simply helped him along his way. As for them laughing at him. I don’t know, seems like their kind of thing in general. Laughing at people while punishing them. :em95:

  28. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    Imperial Order of Self-Defense with added Bleach Emblem…

    (with Titanium Framing Device?)

    Brilliant idea, LC Moriarty! Then again, it would be, wouldn’t it?

  29. Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P. Comment by Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P.

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    Roger Glass

    You all should be ashamed, cheering for that vicious, murdering nurse. What about the poor addict? It’s bad enough, being condemned to the deepest pit of hell for all eternity - but to get there and find everyone laughing at you?

    Wonder what the denizens of the pit are using a hammer on?

    Just as a side note, Deej. For some reason Opera does NOT like applying the HTML tage properly. For an example, if I click on B-Quote, it begins entering text between the “o” and the “t” of the HTML command, instead of after the “>”…

    Any suggestions? Is there a setting somewhere in Opera that I didn’t find yet?

  30. mongrul Comment by mongrul

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    After feeling crappy all day, my spirit is lifted! One less Jackass to steal perfectly good air.

    Awesome story.

    I think I’ll go down to the bar and share it! :em94:

  31. cmblake6 Comment by cmblake6

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    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! :em34: tHIS WAS goooooooddddddd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :em99: :em99: :em99: :em99: :em99: :em99:

  32. LC HJ Caveman82952 Comment by LC HJ Caveman82952

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    Now why am I smilin’? I shared some info with my wife and daughter on self-defense. My wife is five nine, and very strong, lifting five gallon buckets of pain all day does that to you. Little things about fingers through the eye, go for the brain, give the bastard a lobotomy, kneecaps vulnerable, a fist in the throat, punch like a man, solar plexis, ext. Of course she could just shoot him. It was my responsibility to teach her how to shoot. And I have. Besides, she loves it and I get a permanent shooting partner.

  33. Unregistered Comment by mindy1

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    First to T post #17 :em99: I love stories of women who fight back I think all women should learn self defense. :em69: