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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » PFW: Left hand doesn’t know what the right hand’s doing
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Memo to Gary Patterson: One or both of you need to go. I don’t give a damn which.

Arlington Heights 41, at Paschal 34
Texas Christian 17, at Air Force 20 (OT)
UBuffalo 24, at #12 Penn State 45 (Buffalo covers)
at #3 Oklahoma 54, Utah State 3
at #2 LSU 44, Middle Tennessee 0
Dallas 37, at Miami 20

UBeefalo coach Turner Gill apparently got a mite peeved over what sounded like a spectacular play by Penn State receiver Jordan Norwood’s TD catch of a ball that very nearly hit the ground.

Memo to my old acquaintance:  Turner, it’s not like you were going to beat these guys, even in your backyard. Hell, congratulate yourselves for covering the spread without my extra 14 point cushion.

Matt Flynn sat. Early Doucet sat. Backup Ryan Perrilloux (a name for an LSU quarterback if ever there was one) was one of many reserves that started for the Tigers.

And Bo Pelini’s defense…was still Bo Pelini’s defense. True, they only got one turnover, but they limited Bag o’ Nothin’ State MT to 4-of-14 on third downs, zip-for-two on 4th, and 90 yards total (at least, according to the stat sheet; the write-up gave ‘em 166 yards).

The dynasty would appear to be back.

Sam Bradford was 19-for-26 for 255 yards and three touchdown; Allen Patrick had 113 yards on 8 carries (69 of them on a TD run in the 2nd quarter) as the Sooners rolled.

Mack Brown’s nails are getting a little closer to the quick Right About Now™.

Between the heat, the humidity and the Miami defense, the Cowboys - hell, the entire game - started out about like I thought it would - as sluggish as Mikey Moron fighting through a mudpit trying to get the last eclair.

(There will be a short pause while the Imperial Torturer™ passes out the brain bleach.)

Then the 2nd half started, Miami scored to take the lead, then seemed to say to the Cowboys, “Okay, we’ve had our fun, you take the ball. No, really - take it. No, really - we insist. We’re serious - we really don’t want this ball.

Trent Green threw four picks out of five total turnovers which Dallas should have converted into at least 28 points, but had to settle for 13. Romo threw for 186 yards and two touchdowns, including one did-you-see-that Houdini-type job as Joey Porter was about to drag him to the ground.

Widdle Terri Owens caught the other TD pass, then drew a 15-yard unsportsmanlike call for a post-TD celebration that mocked Patsies coach Bill Belicheat Belichick:

“It was all in good fun,” Owens said with a grin. “I hope they don’t give me a hefty fine like they gave Belichick.”

Whatever. It cost the ‘Boys 7 points, as Miami, blessed with a short field after the ensuing kickoff, needed only three plays to punch it in.

Marion Barber III blasted through a bunched-up ten-man Miami box for the final margin.

Picture this: You’re an offensive coordinator. Your team is on the road. There’s less than a minute left in a tie game. You have the ball, first down just a tick outside the red zone (the 22-yard line, to be precise). You can kick the winning field goal right now if you want, or you can run the ball up the gut and get maybe a couple extra yards.

You decide to throw the ball. It gets picked. Your opponents run out the clock, then win in overtime.

Your name is Mike Schultz, and you are The Second Biggest Fucking Dumbass In Lord Spatula’s World™. Second only to Gary Patterson - the Biggest Fucking Dumbass In Lord Spatula’s World™ for having hired your moronic ass in the first place.

The Frogs also lost a fumble in the red zone, had a field goal attempt blocked and another one clank off the upright.

Patterson, however, defended his friend:

But to the tacky TCU fan who registered www.firemikeschultz.com as a Web domain Friday morning, behave yourself. Patterson and Schultz go back 24 years together, to when both were assistants on the staff at Tennessee Tech.

And they were back at work in the TCU football office, after a quiet flight home, Friday at 8 a.m.

“We talked about it,” Patterson said. “He’s feeling bad. What do you say?

“We’ve been together as a group for a long time.”

And just where was Patterson during all this?

Patterson explained it well in Saturday’s newspaper. He heard the offensive coaches talking about a running play and, satisfied, switched his headset channel over to the defensive staff, presumably to talk about what the Frogs were going to do after they kicked off. Before the timeout ended, however, somebody changed the play.

So, in other words, we have a football team whose left hand doesn’t have a fucking clue what its right hand is doing.

Nice.

This week: 5-1. Overall: 14-3.

The PFW will return Friday, when I will guarantee that Heights will not lose, and that Texas Christian University (hat tip: Humble DevilDog) had damned well best not.

23 Responses to “PFW: Left hand doesn’t know what the right hand’s doing”
  1. ohio right wing nut Comment by ohio right wing nut

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    LSU NATIONAL CHAMPIONS :em94:

    BTW My Browns also laid a beat down on the Cincinnati Kittycats.

    For all youse guys out there who say a 6 point victory is not a beat down remember Anderson was a 6th round pick, and had the weight of the city of Cleveland wanting Quinn to start. Talk about pressure, if he would have done what Frye did against Shittsburgh a week before they would have had his head on a stake on the bow of the Good Time II. :em99:

  2. LC Wil Comment by LC Wil

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    HAIL TO THE REDSKINS,
    HAIL VICTORY,
    BRAVES ON THE WARPATH,
    FIGHT FOR OLD D.C.!

    TWO AND 0, BABY!

  3. Rat Patrol Comment by Rat Patrol

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Sorry, I dunno much about college (or Pro ) football, but I’ll bet that this friendly little “mohammed cartoons” link will get the jizz-hadis a-jumping: :em71: :em71:

    http://www.zombietime.com/mohammed_image_archive/extreme_mohammed/

    Now, I don’t know if you have previously posted this or not, my apologies if you have, and feel free to propagate it widely if you have not. Zombie rules :em08:

  4. Vergeltung Comment by Vergeltung

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    Dallas looks good so far. wOOt!! :em93:

  5. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

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    Hey, the Texans look good so far. Let’s hope they can do something decent against the Colts. The Colts barely squeaked by the Tennessee Titans (formerly the Houston Oilers), how the F did that happen? And how did UT eek by Central Florida? Weren’t the colts and horns, albeit 2 different forms of football, the badasses of their respective leagues and divisions? Is the luster waring off, or are they too cocky too early?

    And yes, this may be beating a dead horse, but what the hell is wrong with the Saints? Nawlins was great last year, now gaaaaaaaaaaaaaag (choking sounds)…..

  6. ohio right wing nut Comment by ohio right wing nut

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    BAUER
    The Titans gave the Colts their first loss last season, division rivals and all, tough game good defense and Vince Young is getting better.

    and I’m with ya on the Nawlins thang Reggie bush is on my fantasy team, I’m 2 and 0 but he’s killin me.
    Thank g-d for Moss, T.O. and Mister Manning (Peyton not Eli) and Jamal Lewis blew up For 215 Yards :em69:

  7. Unregistered Comment by annoyinglittletwerp

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    The HECK with football.
    GO CUBS!!!!!

    “Cub Fans BELIEVE.”
    *runs for life*

  8. Wild-Eyed Charlie Comment by Wild-Eyed Charlie

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    Does anybody know or care that the British bank system is collapsing, and may take ours down with it? Or are football and O.J. still the most important things going on in the U.S? Lock and load people; it’s starting.

  9. Unregistered Comment by LC The Humble Devildog, Imperial Scholar

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Again, not a bad week for picking. I was 7-2 straight up, but, a measly 4-5 against the spread. But, I was darn near psychic on one pick.

    LSU will quit playing in the 4th quarter, and Middle Tennessee will get their only points of the game six plays later.

    Seriously, LSU is one of the two remaining amazing teams in the NCAA right now. The Tiggers are so intimidating, LSU can probably leave their helmets on the field for the second half, and still hold Middle Tennessee to under 10.

    Tiggers by 50, but only because they leave the stadium midway through the third quarter.

    The Tiggers only ended up winning by 44, but, they put in their second string in the 3rd quarter, and were on their fourth string by the end of the game.

    LSU left the stadium midway through the 3rd quarter, and STILL shut out their opponent.

    The Condoms/Children of the Corn score made the game look a LOT closer than it was. The Cornhuskers (The “N” stands for “Knowledge”!) racked up 21 points in the last 4 1/2 minutes…about 1/2 minute after USC had left the stadium to board the plane for the trip home. The Condoms pummeled Nebraska, and in front of the ‘Husker faithful, in Lincoln! That goes down as one of my three favorite Cornhusker Moments…

  10. Unregistered Comment by LC The Humble Devildog, Imperial Scholar

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    The HECK with football.
    GO CUBS!!!!!

    “Cub Fans BELIEVE.”
    *runs for life*

    It’s the Cubs, fer crying out loud!

    There are still games left to be played, and the Brewers are still only a game back. The Cubs will prolly end up tied with the Brewers on the last day, have to play a tie-breaker game with the Brewers, and Cubs fans will have to suffer through yet another Zambrano melt-down, and watch Prince Fielder club yet another ball 452 miles.

    It’s not bad enough that you have to suffer through watching the Cubs for 162 games?! You want to make it 163?!

  11. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

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    When Spats went on his rant about TCU’s Mike Schultz, I almost thought he was talking about Chiefs’ coach Herm Edwards. That was the same damn play Edwards called in the fourth quarter in the Bears game last weekend. KC had third and 1 from the Bears’ 30; Grossman and Da Bears were trying like hell to give the game away; all KC had to do was let Larry Johnson lean forward to pick up a fresh set of downs…and instead *spit* Herm *spit* has the QB lob a pass into the end zone to get picked off.

    And that was that. Of course, Hermie also repeatedly tried calling draw plays on third and way long, so we shouldn’t have been suprised…

    It’s gonna be a loooong year in KC… :em98:

    …On a brighter note: Some Indy fans with waaaay too much time on their hands came up with NFL season picks using Star Wars characters to represent teams. :em99:

    (Hat tip for the link: Second City Cop)

  12. LC RobertHuntingdon Comment by LC RobertHuntingdon

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    Charlie, did you read that article carefully or did you just scan the headlines? Yeah that’s some scary stuff, but at least for now the crisis appears to be averted, so saying that it’s “starting” is very likely heavily overstating things. And frankly throwing Labour out on its commie arse would all-but-doubtless be a GOOD thing for brittain. So I’m not pushing the panic button just yet.

    And now back to our regularly scheduled foolishness…

    OH nut, I don’t know what else to call it… it wasn’t a “beat DOWN” because we very nearly stole the game at the end before your boy made his interception… much like the buttimore wavens nearly stole the previous one from us. But it wasn’t a “beat down” because we were in it all the way to the end, even if it shouldn’t have been anywhere near that close — either way you slice it, for that matter, because if our defense had showed up we would have beat the snot out of you, and if our offense hadn’t played outright brilliantly despite several MORE injuries during the course of the game you would have beat the snot out of us — but a “whooping” or “beating us up,” yeah that I would agree with. My brother-in-law has Palmer on his fantasy team and thanks to a bit of a wacky scoring system in this league the QB is always going to be the top scorer anyway, but this week Carson very nearly outscored entire TEAMS. He was happy about that, as you can easily surmise.

    Thing is, any other day than when the browns are playing my bengals, I’m cheering for you guys. I told my next-door-cubemate the day after “any other day I’d be delighted for you… but not today”. I’d love for the Browns to finally be a decent team — as long as cowplop doesn’t come in take over — and I think Crenell is a decent guy for the most part who may yet pull it off. But I can’t cheer for you guys when you’re playing the Bengals.

    Oh and Bauer and OH nut, yeah, no kidding, I’m quite disappointed in the Saints so far. Still, I’m not going to write them off anytime soon. Somebody in my fantasy league just dropped Deuce and I’m almost certainly going to pick him up. I refuse to believe he’s going to suck the entire year. It may take another game or two (though the home opener next week will very likely help a lot) before things really start working right, but I expect them to come storming back fast. Hopefully, anyway.

    RH

  13. jaybear Comment by jaybear

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    ummmmmm
    Broncos……
    2 and 0…..
    just thought you all should know that.

    On a more local note, Juanita High School…where I teach, is now 2 and 1. Credit that record to hard nosed running like this (photo courtesy the official team photographer and webmaster…lil’ ol’ me):

    runnin reb

  14. ohio right wing nut Comment by ohio right wing nut

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    LC ROBERT
    If the Been-gals had a defense to speak,of the score would have been alot different I’ll give ya that one,
    I’m a diehard Browns fan, Don’t piss in my pool man. :em99:

    THAT MAYBE THE ONLY GAME WE WIN(NOPE SORRY WE PLAY THE RAIDERS THIS WEEK)

    BTW You live in Ohio? Where?

    Annoying The Cubs are gonna fold like a cheap lawnchair,and the Injuns keep on a rollin :em94:

  15. jaybear Comment by jaybear

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    Ohio Right Wing Nut

    That was a hell of a game this weekend. As much as I am a Broncos fan, I gotta admit the battle in Ohio was MUCH more entertaining.

    Now THAT’s football man

  16. ohio right wing nut Comment by ohio right wing nut

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    JAYBEAR

    BOO-YAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I’m sure your a great guy,but all I can say about your Broncos is. :em96: :em96: :em96: :em96: :em96: :em96: :em96: :em96: :em96: :em71: :em71: :em71: :em71: :em96: :em96: :em96: :em96: :em98: :em98: :em98: :em98

    You know where I’m comin from man. please don’t even say those two liitle words that make grown men in Cleveland cry.

  17. jaybear Comment by jaybear

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    Ohio Right Wing Nut

    had to edit the comment, after you said not to mention those “two little words”…….

    :em93:

    I guess we can just agree to collectively hate the Raiders(are you listening SoCal?)

  18. ohio right wing nut Comment by ohio right wing nut

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    JAYBEAR

    Damn you man, damn you to hell.

    But to answer you questions YES I AM & YES WE CAN.

    My assbag brother ( who still lives in the land of the cleves.) is a Raiders fan, but I still love him.
    I make fun of him but I love him. :em99:

    Well it’s almost midnite here and i’m gonna turn into a pumpkin soon. soooo nitey nite yall. Oh and Jaybear one more time DAMN YOU MAN , DAMN YOU TO HELL (yes I seen your post before you edited it, Ya dirty bastich) :em99:

  19. SoCalOilMan, LC Comment by SoCalOilMan, LC

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    I guess we can just agree to collectively hate the Raiders(are you listening SoCal?)

    Your hate only adds to the power of the dark side and makes us stronger.

    I’ll admit we are working our way up from whipped puppy, so keep the hate up and in a year or two we’ll be back.

  20. jaybear Comment by jaybear

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    Your hate only adds to the power of the dark side and makes us stronger.

    SoCal….I knew that would pull you out.

    Some of the best times I ever had as a teenager/20ager in Denver, was going to Bronco/Raider games. My buddy was a diehard Raiders fan and would wear his Raiders jacket to the games, the only black jacket in a sea of orange and I was sitting next to him, we took our share of snowballs that’s for sure…..and forget about going to any post game parties. thank God he knew a lot of girls, we started our own parties.

    And Kenny Stabler? my mom’s 82 years old, a committed football freak…and he’s still her all time favorite player.

  21. LC RobertHuntingdon Comment by LC RobertHuntingdon

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    OH nut, I’m in Milford. My brother-in-law corrupted me (well that’s what YOU would call it anyway :) ) shortly after he married my sister and I added Bengals as my AFC team — I figured one favorite per conference was OK. But the guy in the next cube over is from Cleveland originally. At least we both destest the cravens.

    Seriously, though, if the stoolers lose this weekend and the browns and bengals both win, we could easily end up with all four AFC N teams with the same record. That would be kinda weird, but kinda neat too. About the only way I could see it being better if is both the stoolers and the cravens lose… and both our teams win. That would be sweet. Put the cravens on the bottom of the AFC N rankings, even if only temporarily? That would be SWEET.

    RH

  22. LC John Wardle Comment by LC John Wardle

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    But OREGON looked “Fabulous!” as always……

  23. SoCalOilMan, LC Comment by SoCalOilMan, LC

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    jaybear

    And Kenny Stabler? my mom’s 82 years old, a committed football freak…and he’s still her all time favorite player.

    Ah, the glory years. Kenny introduced the Alabama team this weekend. Hell, I was stunned to see he was still kickin’.

    I’m hoping to get tickets for the Bears games Nov. 11th. I have to go to Portland Or. with my boy and pick up his car from Grandma and would like to take him to his first Pro game on the way home.

    The Raider games I went to were all at the L.A. Coliseum and trying to sell 100,000 tickets to a game, well there is a lot of room to roam, so if you stayed clear of the end zone it was pretty sedate, similar to a Dodger game, most show up halfway through the 1st quarter and leave at the the start of the fourth. I would be in the parking lot 3 hours before kickoff and only drive out when security came by and said they were locking the gate.