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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » On This Date In History
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You are viewing the Archives for 2007.......If you want the current page, CLICK HERE.......

Against our better judgment, we’re going to try to bring this one back from the dead:

1547 — Miguel de Cervantes is born to no fanfare at all. As he grows older, he manages to get himself shot at the Battle of Lepanto and, while returning home to Spain, gets abducted by members of the Religion of Peace. Luckily for Miguel YouTube hasn’t been invented yet, so he and his brother eventually return to Spain with their heads still on their shoulders. Once home, he takes up a life long passion for exploring the seedier sides of life, working as a tax collector for a while. A promising career in income redistribution abruptly comes to an end when he’s caught keeping the stolen loot for himself and he’s sent to jail where he, stuck with nothing much else to do, gets the idea to write a book about a guy tilting at windmills, a book which is the only reason that anybody remembers him today.

1758 — Horatio Nelson, most known for repeatedly slapping the fwench around like little bitches (and the Spanish too, since Lord Nelson liked to have at least a bit of a challenge), is born. In 1798, he destroys the fwench fleet at the Battle of the Nile, stranding the Corsican midget in Egypt where he proceeds to work on his tan and study hieroglyphics. Most famous, however, is the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805 where he spots a numerically superior fwanco-Spanish fleet and, in keeping with the best British naval traditions, proceeds to knock the shit out of it. During the battle, a fwench sniper, in direct contradiction of fwench military tradition, decides to actually fire his weapon rather than just drop it and run away (perhaps he was a really poor swimmer?) and, even more unusual for a fwenchman, manages to hit something. Sadly, what he hits happens to be Lord Nelson who is mortally wounded, yet refuses to die until he has made sure that his forces won. That’s “Stiff Upper Lip” for you. Currently, he’s stuck on top of a column in London being shat on by pigeons 24/7, which should tell you all you need to know about how the Brits treat their heroes.

1862 — Union General Jefferson C. Davis, upset by a reprimand from his commanding officer, General William Nelson, promptly reacts in the only fashion that seems appropriate to him and shoots General Nelson. Thus fragging is invented. Thanks to the influence of Governor Morton of Indiana, a friend of General Davis’, Davis is never court-martialed, proving once again that you can do no wrong as long as you have the right connections.

1888 — Daimler Motor Company starts producing cars in the U.S. In order to confuse the fwench, they’re called “Mercedes”, named after a famous fwench prostitute. More than a hundred years later, no longer concerned with what the fwench think, Daimler buys out Chrysler and sticks to the name this time, although the cars continue to be called Mercedes. The fwench remain confused.

1913 — Rudolf Diesel, best known for having a foul-smelling organic fuel named after him, jumps off a cruiser in the English Channel and discovers, much to his dismay, that he can’t swim.

1918 — The Allies, after having sung about it for four years, finally manage to hang out their washing on the Siegfried (Hindenburg) Line. The 2,500,000 who have died getting the laundry ready can’t be reached for comment. Upon arrival, the Allies realize to their consternation that the Huns have run off with all of the washing lines, putting a much-needed cleanup on hold for another month and a half when, at long last, peace suddenly breaks out.

1939 — The socialists of Germany and the socialists of the U.S.S.R. divide Poland between them. Socialists in the U.S., exuberant at the news of Stalin’s Great Victory, decide that Mr. Hitler isn’t all that bad after all since he’s a friend of Uncle Joe’s now. Two years later, when Hitler invades the Soviet Union, the socialists here decide that they’ve been against Nazism all along. They maintain this claim to this day in spite of any facts to the contrary thrown at them.

1953 — The New Duranty Times, much to the confusion of its readers, publish an article claiming that Russians want freedom, private property and the right to not go to Siberia whenever the government decides to send them there. Among other things that the article shockingly reveals to be among the desires of citizens in the Workers’ Paradise are food at least once a week, clothes to wear, shoes and hot and cold running water. Strangely, only a few decades earlier, the same newspaper was proudly declaring that there was no famine in the U.S.S.R. and that nobody should pay attention to the piles of emaciated bodies behind the curtain. For this, they won a Pulitzer that they’re still very proud of. No, we don’t get it either.

1965 — Hanoi proclaims that downed U.S. pilots will be treated as war criminals. It turns out to be another lie, though. No U.S. pilot is subsequently given a commission in Ho Chi Minh’s army. Not that they’d have taken it anyway. Except for John Kerry, but he wasn’t a pilot and, on top of that, he never got close enough to the enemy to be captured.

1988 — Stacy Allison of Portland, Oregon, becomes the first American woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest, only to be left wondering what the Hell she went up there for and returning back down again. Hillary Clinton fondly remembers how her parents originally wanted to name her “Stacy” in honor of this womyn’s amazing achievement.

22 Responses to “On This Date In History”
  1. LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech Comment by LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech

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    Jefferson C. Davis,, Not the Confederate Prez,, that is.
    Might be a touch of a ‘Shocker for the folks unfamiliar with the two close monikers..

  2. Kristopher, LC Comment by Kristopher, LC

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    1915; In response to Hun claims of “Gott Mit Uns”, British soldiers start putting up graffiti claiming “We’ve got mittens too!”

  3. akornzombie Comment by akornzombie

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    Do you think the Fwench sniper was court -martial ed for shooting Nelson? :em93:

  4. Unregistered Comment by james_hookers_war

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    I get this feeling that just about everybody here left their meds in the car.

  5. LC HJ Caveman82952 Comment by LC HJ Caveman82952

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    Actually james, I did. Now that you mention it.

  6. maxxpig Comment by maxxpig

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    Sorry to dissapoint but I always keep ‘em in a pouch on my holster.

  7. Leslie Bates Comment by Leslie Bates

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Actually, Mercedes was the fellow’s daughter. Which may be even more confusing to the French.

    Of course I’m old enough to remember when men were real men and women was spelled properly.

  8. Imperial Tobacconist LC&IB M Comment by Imperial Tobacconist LC&IB M

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I can understand your reluctance to do Today in History posts, Sire. A few more like this one and the rabble will be demanding them on a daily basis!

  9. Xystus Comment by Xystus

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    Wasn’t the Siegfried Line from the next war?

  10. Deathknyte Comment by Deathknyte

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    From Wikipedia:

    The original Siegfried line (Siegfriedstellung) was a line of defensive forts and tank defenses built by Germany as a section of the Hindenburg Line 1916-1917 in northern France during World War I. However, in English, Siegfried line more commonly refers to the similar World War II defensive line, built during the 1930s, opposite the French Maginot Line, which served a corresponding purpose. The Germans themselves called this the Westwall, but the Allies renamed it after the First World War line.

  11. LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech Comment by LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    ‘Guess we can add this date to next year’s list..Such a horrendous case of determined mass re-location goin’ on today in Myanmar,
    ,,,But of course, we know those evil monks were burning villages across the countryside, rousting thousands of the most helpless, simply to make the authorities look the bully.. /moonbat

  12. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    Actually, Mercedes was the fellow’s daughter. Which may be even more confusing to the French.

    Hey, I knew that. Actually, I did, but we’re talking about artistic license here. Oh, and the bit about using “Mercedes” instead of “Daimler” to confuse the fwench is absolutely correct. Old Man Daimler felt that it would be hard to sell cars to the fwench with a very German-sounding name like “Daimler.”

  13. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    Wasn’t the Siegfried Line from the next war?

    Yes and no. The Siegfried Line was actually built during WWI, but the Allies liked to refer to it as the “Hindenburg” Line, except when composing songs, that is. It was still around in WWII, when the Allies actually called it the Siegfried Line, only now the Germans had taken to calling it the “Westwall”, further confusing things.

    If you’re not completely confused yourself already, the Siegfried Line or “Siegfriedstellung” wasn’t actually the name of the whole defensive line, but just a section of it. Oh, and the WWII “Siegfried Line”, or “Westwall”, didn’t actually run where the original Siegfried Line (that the Allies used to call the Hindenburg Line) ran.

    Confused yet? :)

    P.S.: Still, having checked my records, I have to issue a correction: The song “We’re Going To Hang Out The Washing On The Siegfried Line” wasn’t actually composed until 1939. Which only makes things more confusing, actually, because it would appear that they were singing about hanging out washing on a line that didn’t actually exist when they finally got around to calling it by its correct name. My head hurts.

  14. sig94 Comment by sig94

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    Silly me. I thought this was the Siegfried Line.

    Siegfried ine

    That’s BC on the far right by the way. :em34: :em95: :em34:

  15. Unregistered Comment by james_hookers_war

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    That’s BC on the far right by the way.

    I THOUGHT he looked familer.

    Misha, over here in Ireland, you can buy codine over the counter. My head never hurts. Oh, how the hell can I get the friggin Irish flag off of my thingamawhattsit? I tried penicilin.

  16. B.C., Imperial Torturer™ Comment by B.C., Imperial Torturer™

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I found a picture of Sig back during the “experimental phase” of his youth.

    Sig's Follies

  17. Unregistered Comment by james_hookers_war

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    Sig, I’m not trying to start anything, really, but I wouldn’t take that shit. Laying down. Face first. Between the cheek and gums. Wherever.

  18. psychochick Comment by psychochick

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    Cheapshot
    I don’t see why you are talking about moonbats and implying that the article blamed the monks for the damage. The article speaks several times of military encroachment and has Laura Bush and Dianne Feinstein speaking of human rights abuses. I think this is one of the few things that left and right are united against. I keep getting e-mails from liberal groups about human rights abuses there, and I assume Michelle Malkin’s views are typical of the right.

    Since you all are always wishing journalists dead, what’s the feeling of the military’s murder of that Japanese photojournalist as he was filming?

  19. LC 0311 crunchie Comment by LC 0311 crunchie

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Since you all are always wishing journalists dead, what’s the feeling of the military’s murder of that Japanese photojournalist as he was filming?

    Wrong nations reporter?

    Sig LOOOOVE IT! Except for the glasses, that look works on you. :em99:

    (Dayum BC, remind me to stay on yer good side. I don’t need any of the Rottfest photos coming out)

  20. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    Since you all are always wishing journalists dead,

    Not all of them, PC. Just the ones contributing directly to the deaths of our troops as well as ourselves.

    It’s a simple question of self-preservation, really.

  21. Bill H, Resident Car Guy Comment by Bill H, Resident Car Guy

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Actually, Mercedes was the fellow’s daughter. Which may be even more confusing to the French.

    Of course I’m old enough to remember when men were real men and women was spelled properly.

    Hey, I knew that. Actually, I did, but we’re talking about artistic license here. Oh, and the bit about using “Mercedes” instead of “Daimler” to confuse the fwench is absolutely correct. Old Man Daimler felt that it would be hard to sell cars to the fwench with a very German-sounding name like “Daimler.”

    Alrighty- since we’re going to be pedantic: The name Mercedes came from the daughter of the French importer, Emil Jellinek. HE was the one who thought ‘Mercedes’ would sell better than ‘Daimler’. Old Man Gottlieb agreed. You know I’m right- check my title. :em98:

  22. B.C., Imperial Torturer™ Comment by B.C., Imperial Torturer™

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    Alrighty- since we’re going to be pedantic: The name Mercedes came from the daughter of the French importer, Emil Jellinek. HE was the one who thought ‘Mercedes’ would sell better than ‘Daimler’. Old Man Gottlieb agreed. You know I’m right- check my title.

    Nope. You’re wrong. They REALLY wanted to fuck with the fWenchies heads and took American car names “Mercury” and “Edsel” and put ‘em together and came up with “Mercedes“. They just used the ruse of some used car salesman’s daughter’s name to further muck up the rusty gears of the fWench brains.

    :em99: