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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Goblin goes gnome breaking and dies
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From news.com.au

Sometimes, I swear, these stories write themselves. It is expected that the use of garden gnomes as a housebreaking tool will decrease from now on.

A 37-year-old man has bled to death after slipping on broken glass while allegedly trying to climb through a bedroom window in Adelaide’s south.

The fact he is dead sorta gives the “alleged” part away..

The man was almost decapitated after slipping on broken glass at a Moorong Rd property in O’Sullivan Beach about 2.10am today, South Australian police said.

Should have quit whilst he was ahead.

It is believed the man sliced his neck, which caused fatal bleeding. The house’s occupants were in the bedroom as the man, from Christies Beach, tried to enter the house, police said.

“Indications are that the man threw a garden ornament through a bedroom window which woke the occupants and … slipped and suffered a severe laceration which killed him,” Senior Constable Mick Abbott said.“The man’s death is being treated as non-suspicious.”

That’ll be good for the roses this summer.

Police were investigating the man’s death, he said. The man is believed to have used a garden gnome to break the window, Sky News reports.

Goblin breaks window. Goblin kills self trying to break into home. Give garden gnome a medal, bury goblin, write report, go home to dinner.

Case closed.

The house’s owner found the man in a pool of blood, but ambulance officers called to the scene were unable to revive him.

Garden gnome 1, Goblin 0.

All in a day’s work.

40 Responses to “Goblin goes gnome breaking and dies”
  1. B.C., Imperial Torturer™ Comment by B.C., Imperial Torturer™

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Our Sooper Seekrit™ Imperial Investigative Corps™ has scooped up the only known photo of the valiant garden gnome receiving his reward from the lady of the house.

    Gnome Gets His Reward

    She was later heard moaning “There’s no place like gnome… There’s no place like gnome…”

  2. LCBrendan Comment by LCBrendan

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    Oh good lord……. :em41:

  3. Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P. Comment by Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P.

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    B.C.

    I can hear her now…

    Gnomophilia’s really what I like the best,
    The gnomes don’t laugh at you as you get undressed,
    They never get angry, they never get miffed!
    The best thing about them is they’re always stiff!

    (to the tune of Sweet Betsy From Pike/Charlotte the Harlot)

  4. Unregistered Pingback by In non-Soviet Australia, garden gnome kills YOU

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    […] Ok, that was a long way to go to recycle an old joke. Anyway, the actual details are pretty good. […]

  5. LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR Comment by LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    The one, The ONLY, Imperial Torturer™ at his finest.

    :em99:

    Garden gnome 1, Goblin 0.

    We just added some more bleach to the gene pool.

  6. L.C. Mope, Imperial Offsetter Comment by L.C. Mope, Imperial Offsetter

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Should have quit whilst he was ahead.

    :em99: :em99: :em99:

    L.C. Brendan

    For humanity’s sake update this with a BC spew alert!

  7. LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech Comment by LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    ‘Back in the ’80’s, after I’d repaired an AG business window,, I hosed the goo off the parkin’ lot from a goblin that had busted a knee high window, and skewered what must’ve been a femoral stepping back out,,tuff shards buddy,, to walk maybe a hundred yards,,fattest blood trail I ever saw,,,to expire in the median of SR 441,,with his prize under his arm,, a telephone.

    *klink*

  8. LC Hardclimber54 Comment by LC Hardclimber54

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    I hope the gnome did not suffer damage after this adventure. Would hate to see it scratched or something…

    Makes me want to have a couple of these around the backyard now… Useful little tykes… :em01:

  9. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I hope the gnome did not suffer damage after this adventure. Would hate to see it scratched or something…

    Which gnome, Hardclimber? The one in Brendan’s original post or the one in BC’s comment?

    :em01:

  10. LC Wil Comment by LC Wil

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    B.C. ‘n Guido:

    Y’all ain’t right.

  11. ohio right wing nut Comment by ohio right wing nut

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Gnome porn,is there no depth of depravity you will not sink to :em99: :em99: :em99:

  12. LC Wil Comment by LC Wil

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    The house’s owner found the man in a pool of blood, but ambulance officers called to the scene were unable to revive him.

    How hard did they really try?

  13. LC Hardclimber54 Comment by LC Hardclimber54

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    LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

    Which gnome, Hardclimber

    The one in Brendan’s story, of course, with all that broken glass etc…

    However, I am downright ENVIOUS of the one in BC’s comment!

  14. B.C., Imperial Torturer™ Comment by B.C., Imperial Torturer™

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Useful little tykes…

    Or, in the case of Rosie O’Donut’s garden gnomes, they’re useful little dykes. (Of course, they’re not so “little”, given her rather ample, er, nether-regional attributes.)

    The Sooper Seekrit Imperial Investigative Corps™ was also able to slip in, unbeknownst to Ms. O’Donuts, and snap a pic of one of her gnomes.

    Rosie's Garden Gnome

  15. Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P. Comment by Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P.

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Wil

    Y’all ain’t right.

    This is news to you? And besides, yer sayin’ that like it’s A Bad Thing…

    ohio right wing nut

    Gnome porn,is there no depth of depravity you will not sink to

    Now, you have to ask yourself… Do you REALLY want the answer to that question?

    After all, you might get the answer…

    Worse yet, you might get a demonstration…

  16. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    Should have quit whilst he was ahead.

    True. But since he didn’t, the rest of the world ended up ahead as a result.

    Somebody needs to set up a collection for the residents so they can get a new window and repair any damage to the heroic gnome.

  17. LC Hardclimber54 Comment by LC Hardclimber54

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    Emperor Misha I

    repair any damage to the heroic gnome.

    Hence my concern at post #8 Sire… Is there a “Gnome Service Recognition Medal” in the Empire? (that would include the type of “service” seen at post #1 as well). :em99: Just asking… :em01:

  18. B.C., Imperial Torturer™ Comment by B.C., Imperial Torturer™

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Is there a “Gnome Service Recognition Medal” in the Empire?

    There is NOW: We duly bestow upon the aforementioned vertically-challenged garden guerrilla the Order of the Rottweilerian Empire’s Gnome de Guerre Medal™.

  19. LC Hardclimber54 Comment by LC Hardclimber54

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    B.C.

    We duly bestow upon the aforementioned vertically-challenged garden guerrilla the Order of the Rottweilerian Empire’s Gnome de Guerre Medal™.

    Geez B.C., that is “sniff, sniff” downright beautiful, beautiful I tell you. It is hoped that the other LCs will applaud the new Order…

    Where’s my hanky…

  20. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    It is hoped that the other LCs will applaud the new Order…

    Oh, but they will.

    And how.

  21. LC HJ Caveman82952 Comment by LC HJ Caveman82952

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    B.C….that was terrible. Now as to why the house is filled with hysterical laughter….gotta’ show this to the wife….
    And folks, I have another heartwarmer, straight from the front pages of the San Jose Mercury News…..
    A man was arraigned on rape and assault charges……
    It would seem his intent was to rape a thirty year old single mom at her home. A woman with an eleven year old son, having just lost her job, times not good at all. He grabbed her by the throat, her managing to barely gasp the words….”Get him!”
    A streak of white and tan flashed past……
    And Maya, her four year old, female, eighty pound pit bull attacked him as what was described by police as unparalled feriocity. The dog hanging off his arm, he releasing one hand, the woman grabbed his balls and squeezed. But this time alleged rapist, somewhat preoccupied by a pit bull intent on killing him…fled.
    The cops got a smear of his blood off the dogs nose, he was relentlessly tracked by a determined detective and arrested in Solano county.
    The DNA matched….perfectly.
    A three striker, if convicted, is gone for life.
    And this gal…loving her dutiful canine friend, bought her a two pound steak. The sad thing is the dog is now hyperprotective of her and could attack innocent people or friends. On a personal note….having had a sister raped, I would have locked this bastard in a cell with this dog and let them finish it. Make that two dogs…….Maya and her mate.

  22. ohio right wing nut Comment by ohio right wing nut

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    LC GUIDO
    No I don’t want an answer to my question

    BC

    To the new order bestowed upon this brave gnome I say
    hoist one to this upstanding garden gnome. :em94: :em94:
    If I didn’t have to go to work I’d celebrate Pete Coors style. :em94:

  23. Deathknyte Comment by Deathknyte

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    If the gnome broke the window in the first place, wouldnt it have been aiding and abetting a criminal?

  24. LCBrendan Comment by LCBrendan

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    If the gnome broke the window in the first place, wouldnt it have been aiding and abetting a criminal?

    ..be it ever so humble. there’s no place like gnome….

  25. Unregistered Comment by mindy1

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    Okay, this is just too funny :em99: :em01: I can’t believe these people-Darwin award winner?

  26. TN Daily Carrier Comment by TN Daily Carrier

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Should have quit whilst he was ahead

    Or, maybe he should have quit before he was JUST a HEAD :em93:

  27. LC 0311 crunchie Comment by LC 0311 crunchie

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Gnome porn,is there no depth of depravity you will not sink to

    BC has an entirely separate hard drive just for gnome porn. You really don’t want to know whats on the others.

  28. ACLPoo Comment by ACLPoo

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Hey, while we’re kind of discussing break-ins, this made me pretty happy:

    http://www.wesh.com/news/14437963/detail.html

    GAINESVILLE, Fla. — A Gainesville man’s lack of sight didn’t stop him from defending his home from an intruder.

    According to police, Cevaughn Curtis Jr., 28, broke into Arthur Williams’ house in Gainesville at around 3 a.m.

    Curtis, police said, knocked on the door, asked to be let inside but Williams refused. Curtis then tried to force his way into the home.

    The 75-year-old retired taxi dispatcher, who’s been legally blind for the past 61 years, opened fire on the would-be-thief who kicked down his door, police said.

    Police said Williams shot Curtis, who tried to flee but collapsed on the front porch, inthe left side of the neck. He was taken to a hospital in stable condition.

    Police said Curtis was charged with burglary of an occupied residence and battery on a person over the age of 65.

    Officials are praising Williams for protecting himself.

  29. Unregistered Comment by Infidel River Rat

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I just hope they called one of those 24 hour cleaning services ASAP. Blood is a bitch to clean out of a carpet after it’s dried, and human blood gives off its own stench too, hell, they’ll probably have to replace the padding as well!!

  30. Lady Heather Comment by Lady Heather

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    I hope Travelocity gives their gnome a pay raise.

  31. LC Wil Comment by LC Wil

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Police said Williams shot Curtis, who tried to flee but collapsed on the front porch, inthe left side of the neck. He was taken to a hospital in stable condition.

    Shame he wasn’t in the “Yassar Arafat” stable condition . . .

  32. B.C., Imperial Torturer™ Comment by B.C., Imperial Torturer™

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Police said Williams shot Curtis, who tried to flee but collapsed on the front porch, in the left side of the neck. He was taken to a hospital in stable condition.

    That’s why people with poor eyesight/markmanship should use shotguns. None of that he hit him in the left side of the neck silliness. “Left side of head blown off by double-nawt buckshot” is what the story would have read.

  33. Unregistered Comment by leoni2, LC

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Man, some of you guys are nuts. Don’t ever change.

    As for the dead goblin, I guess he’ll be causing gnome more trouble down in Aussie land. :em93: It just sucks to bleed him, huh? :em01:

  34. B.C., Imperial Torturer™ Comment by B.C., Imperial Torturer™

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    As with every silver cloud, there’s a dark lining…

    Brave Gnome’s Shiftless Brother

  35. LCBrendan Comment by LCBrendan

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    BC:Broken link.

  36. Unregistered Comment by leoni2, LC

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    BC post no. 34,

    Come on, no more dude. Please.

  37. B.C., Imperial Torturer™ Comment by B.C., Imperial Torturer™

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Brendan, you caught it in the middle of re-editing the image linky-thingiemabob. It should work now.

  38. Radical Redneck Comment by Radical Redneck

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    Um Yeah’s been hitting the personals - and getting lucky too! :em69:

    Mr and Mrs Um Yeah

  39. Radical Redneck Comment by Radical Redneck

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    Pic didn’t appear - here’s the link

  40. LC Hardclimber54 Comment by LC Hardclimber54

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    Radical Redneck

    You’re quite the guy :em01: Priceless indeed :em99:

    I GOT to go and visit you LCs one day, GOTTA I tell you! You’re quite the bunch.

    LC 0311 crunchie

    BC has an entirely separate hard drive just for gnome porn. You really don’t want to know whats on the others.

    Damn it crunchie, now you got me curious! Mind you, with BC, one never knows, does one!?!? :em99:

    Lady Heather, I believe the Travelocity gnome got his “raise” at post #1 :em01:

    You guys kill me :em99: :em01: :em99: