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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » It’s Getting Awfully Hard To Use Public Restrooms (UPDATED)
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At least if you want to avoid the feral foot-tappers. The law cracks down on even more “wide stancers” (link via LC & IB Dan):

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. — Police arrested nine people Thursday in a bathroom sex sting at the Volusia Mall, authorities said.

Among the nine were former Daytona Beach city commissioner and mayoral candidate Michael Shallow, and local high school teacher and athletic trainer David Behringer, police said.

All were charged with lewd and lascivious conduct, and exposure of a sexual organ.

Now, far be it from us to quibble about the charges, but would somebody kindly explain to His Imperial Majesty how on Earth a male member of the species is supposed to use a restroom for its intended purpose without “exposing a sexual organ?” After all, even sitz-pinklers have to pull their pants down at some point.

Detectives were tipped off by Sears officials that sexual misconduct was taking place in its second-floor men’s restroom.

So the local PD sent in SWAT, of course, all dressed in pink tutus and leather chaps for the occasion. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

As a way to attract attention from another interested person, the men either cough, sneezed, tapped their feet, sometimes under the stall next to them, or they made loud zipper noises, police said.

We’ll make sure not to have a cold when entering a Daytona public restroom, then. Also, we’ll have all of our zippers replaced with tactical stealth opening devices designed to open and close without making a noise. Or maybe a dab of WD40 applied to an ordinary zipper will do the trick? Can’t be too careful, you know, lest you suddenly find your stall invaded by half a dozen highly armed SWAT stormtroopers looking for a good time.

“Why hello there, sailor!”

UPDATE: We suddenly realize that some of you might think we’re joking here, but really: It’s getting damn near impossible to go to a public restroom nowadays without having to be in constant fear of unintended and highly unpleasant consequences. We mean, with this whole new Proper Conduct Code for Public Restrooms™ deal going on, a code that has been expanding at a rate that will make it even more incomprehensible than the Tax Code in a matter a few years if not months. No sneezing, no coughing, no tapping your feet, no stance above a federally approved width (to be set by a fast-working, six-year committee of 40 experts paid a salary of about $150,000/year, we’re sure), no loud zipper noises and, on top of it all, no pulling out your one-eyed trouser snake??? What? We’re supposed to just stand in the stall and piss ourselves?

And what if you violate any of those Byzantine Rules and Regulations for Proper Disposal of Bodily Waste in Public Facilities (just wait, the Shithouse Decorum Act can’t be far behind. After all, the current Congress haven’t been able to pass anything for almost a year now, so they’re getting desperate to get their names on something)?

Why, either you get taken down by a bunch of slobbering SWATs and sent off to the hoosegow or you get propositioned by four score flabby, horny civil servants looking for love in all the wrong places, and we mean that in more than just one sense of the expression. Or both!

We think we’ll just piss ourself instead.

41 Responses to “It’s Getting Awfully Hard To Use Public Restrooms (UPDATED)”
  1. Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P. Comment by Sir Guido Cabrone, LC, M.o.P.

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Also, we’ll have all of our zippers replaced with tactical stealth opening devices designed to open and close without making a noise.

    Velcro? I can see problems with that one…

  2. psychochick Comment by psychochick

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    You guys will love this. This was over 20 years ago and might well have changed. Not in the ag library, but in the main campus library at Cornell, there were restrooms in the bowels of the building. Apparently, in the men’s room, there was an appropriately sized hole cut between two of the stalls. I think some of my friends verified that it wasn’t just an urban legend. (They only looked at it!!)

  3. LC FIAR Comment by LC FIAR

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Sweatpants. No zipper. No sound.

    Thank me later.

  4. Unregistered Trackback by Presto Agitato

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Shitter Follies…

    They don’t have a duty to protect, but they do have time to hide in the john and draw dubious conclusions….

  5. L.C. Mope, Imperial Offsetter Comment by L.C. Mope, Imperial Offsetter

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I shit you not.

    Patrons of a North Loop McDonald’s were left grimacing Thursday morning after a man, who appeared to be homeless, defecated in the middle of the restaurant.

    “I’ll have the number 2″

    “What got me was, being a student chef, is that he took a napkin and cleaned it up and placed it on the counter where anyone can put your food and get your condiments.”

    Talk about a wide stance…

  6. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    there were restrooms in the bowels of the building.

    How very appropriate ;)

  7. LC Moriarty Comment by LC Moriarty

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Apparently, in the men’s room, there was an appropriately sized hole cut between two of the stalls. I think some of my friends verified that it wasn’t just an urban legend. (They only looked at it!!)

    Right.

    (Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more!)

  8. LC Mrs. M-ITT™ Comment by LC Mrs. M-ITT™

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Whatever the hell happened to just exchanging phone numbers and saying “Call me sometime”??

    Geez oh Pete! Take it to your freaking bedrooms! If coming out of the closet means that you think you have the right to demonstrate it to the general public on all occasions then get back in the damn closet!!

    That way the cops can get back on the streets and deal with situations other than a bunch of gay men waggling their wankers at each other while they rehearse Cabaret meets Victor/Victoria.

  9. Unregistered Comment by Argive

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    You guys will love this. This was over 20 years ago and might well have changed. Not in the ag library, but in the main campus library at Cornell, there were restrooms in the bowels of the building. Apparently, in the men’s room, there was an appropriately sized hole cut between two of the stalls. I think some of my friends verified that it wasn’t just an urban legend. (They only looked at it!!)

    I go to Cornell, and know of no such hole in either of the main libraries’ men’s rooms (I’m guessing you’re talking about either Olin or Uris, which are the two biggest libraries on campus). Plenty of graffiti though, most of it about how [insert fraternity here] is gay.

  10. chuck Comment by chuck

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Sweatpants. No zipper. No sound.

    Thank me later.

    But how do you get the drawstring tied tight enough to keep your gun and holster from pulling them down?

  11. Unregistered Comment by red_sleeves

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    “Why hello there, sailor!”

    What’s up with that? :em96:

    As a corpsman formerly with the 1st Battalion, 2nd Marines (Regiment), Charlie Co, Third platoon, I’ve heard them all, or at least a good chunk of them. :em95:

  12. Radical Redneck Comment by Radical Redneck

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    in the main campus library at Cornell, there were restrooms in the bowels of the building. Apparently, in the men’s room, there was an appropriately sized hole cut between two of the stalls. I think some of my friends verified that it wasn’t just an urban legend. (They only looked at it!!)

    pc, it is true despite they, and you, claiming you only looked at it. They are known as Glory (what a misnomer) Holes. In Irish bars they also act as the tiny screw holes for the toilet paper dispensers! :em01: :twisted:

  13. psychochick Comment by psychochick

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    RR
    What do you mean “you only looked at it?” You should know my gender by now. I don’t hang out in mens’ restrooms!

    I’d much rather meet men on the internet and have my older neighbor think they are axe murderers if I actually meet someone live. It’s entertaining.

    Argive
    You’re lucky (except for the winters). I miss it. It wasn’t the one that had the DARPA plaque out front. I forget which one that would make it–Olin I think. I lived in the ag library, anyway.

  14. Radical Redneck Comment by Radical Redneck

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59


    I’d much rather meet men on the internet and have my older neighbor think they are axe murderers

    Now we are talking! What be your address? :twisted: :em34:

  15. psychochick Comment by psychochick

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    RR
    I’m not convinced you aren’t an axe murderer! LOL

  16. Radical Redneck Comment by Radical Redneck

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59


    I’m not convinced you aren’t an axe murderer!

    I am slipping! :lol: :twisted: :em01:

  17. psychochick Comment by psychochick

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    RR
    I don’t have a magnifying glass. What the hell is your avatar? Something strangling something else? noose? restraint?

  18. Unregistered Pingback by Short Attention Span Topics #16

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    […] Sex → Emperor Misha says It’s Getting Awfully Hard To Use Public Restrooms. […]

  19. LC Gunsniper Comment by LC Gunsniper

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Patrons of a North Loop McDonald’s were left grimacing Thursday morning after a man, who appeared to be homeless, defecated in the middle of the restaurant.

    Maybe he was just making the McRibs. :em95:

  20. Lady Heather Comment by Lady Heather

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    My son is 9 (9 and a half, he’ll tell you), so does this mean that I have to start taking him to the ladies’ room if his dad is not there to accompany him to the toilet??? :em58:

    I’m serious. :em98:

  21. Lady Heather Comment by Lady Heather

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    RR
    I don’t have a magnifying glass. What the hell is your avatar? Something strangling something else? noose? restraint?

    PC,

    All I can see is the words “naked happy girls”. Do we really want to know the rest? :em38: ;)

  22. LC Fiar Comment by LC Fiar

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    But how do you get the drawstring tied tight enough to keep your gun and holster from pulling them down?

    But, Gunz R Dangeriss!

  23. LC Hardclimber54 Comment by LC Hardclimber54

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I might have a solution for you folks! How ’bout a kilt!?! I have this from Scotland (where men are men, and sheep are very nervous…). A perfect solution I tell you! Distinguished, socially-acceptable, and innocent looking enough till the “unwelcomed” hand grabs the holster and the handcuffs and voila! One perv out of circulation, and you would still look well-dressed when you’re taking the sicko to the squad car! And quiet too!

    The sound of zippers being handled did make those sheep nervous, no such problems with a kilt! (now you know why underwear is NOT worn with a kilt!).

  24. Unregistered Pingback by How exactly do you make a zipper louder?

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    […] Misha on the latest bathroom bust. […]

  25. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    What do you mean “you only looked at it?” You should know my gender by now. I don’t hang out in mens’ restrooms!

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

  26. kwongdzu Comment by kwongdzu

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I think the company that manufactures Depends is behind this.

  27. Unregistered Comment by ClimbingFreeman

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Well, I guess if I need to convince police I’m in the restroom to actually use it for its intended purposes, I’ll just have to make some changes in my diet. More burritos, more dairy, maybe some cabbage too. If gross noises and foul odors don’t convince the cops I’m in the restroom for its intended purpose, then there is something seriously wrong. And maybe this will help the cops some….they should just watch for all the wide-stanced people holding their noses as they leave.

    On a serious note; there’s great potential here for gay advertising. Someone taps his foot under your stall, you slip him a flier for a gay bar or some gay Internet dating service. These are places gay people should be hooking up, not public restrooms.

  28. DJ Allyn,  ITW Comment by DJ Allyn, ITW

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I refuse to take a stance on any of this. :em01:

  29. LC Hardclimber54 Comment by LC Hardclimber54

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    DJ Allyn, ITW

    I refuse to take a stance on any of this.

    I think you’re “stalling” DJ… :em99:

  30. Lady Heather Comment by Lady Heather

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    In a shower or tub, yes.

    But in a room with only toilets and urinals? :em38:

    (Not that there’s anything wrong with that. :em95: )

  31. LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech Comment by LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    This is the same county that heard testimony in a drug-money confiscation trial,,(After hurricane Hugo, the lady cashed her insurance check, was taking it to her son, a contracter, when she was pulled over on US 95 by Florida Troopers, searched, and the $20,000 cash taken)

    “Your honor, the money was packaged in bank-note binders, and came in 20, 50 and 100 dollar increments,as favored by drug dealers”.

    They offered her 2/3rds of it back if she agreed not to sue.

    “Daytona! Arrive on vacation, leave on probation, return on violation”..

    And,,, mind your bills too,, nuthin’ over a 10 spot.

  32. AyUaxe Comment by AyUaxe

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Lady Heather, do you have to take your 9 yr. old to the ladies? Regrettably, probably so, if there’s no trusted companion available. Bad shit happens in men’s rooms and even in ladies’ sometimes. Not hard to recognize that anyplace your pants are down is no place to let your guard down. It only takes seconds for a perv to steal a kid’s youth and maybe their life. I remember lots of trouble being accosted and stall walls being damaged (drilled) when I was in college back in the heady (pun intended), pre-AIDS 70’s. I was never a fighter, but felt compelled to put my skinny, pointy elbows in the guts and a couple of palm shots to the noses of a few over-zealous gay recruiters. Worst part is, now we’re finding out why the gummint has gotten so soft on such scum–the gummint is full of them.

    Livin’ in NOLA, you can’t avoid getting to know a lot of homosexuals of all stripes and the majority, while perhaps not having the quality of judgment I’d like to see, are pretty decent neighbors and business associates–better than a lot of boorish, a-hole heterosexual (so they loudly claimed) bullies I’ve known. With an accepted “out” social scene, I don’t find they’re as prone to cruise the average public restroom as those guys were back in Baltimore in the 70’s. That said, if you’re a straight guy at OZ on Bourbon St., you will know you’ve entered a danger zone.

    So the bottom line seems to be that liars, cheaters, and pervs who have some weird, dark abusive kink in their psyches, i.e., most politicians, are the problem and it’s good they’re being rooted out (pun intended again).

  33. Radical Redneck Comment by Radical Redneck

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    RR I don’t have a magnifying glass. What the hell is your avatar? Something strangling something else? noose? restraint?

    pc, it’s a smiling, naked chick with a perky pair holding a camera! :em34:

  34. Lady Heather Comment by Lady Heather

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    OT,

    Wonder why there were so few pictures of the Last Florida Rottfest?

    Our guys didn’t want to tell you what they were doing at Hooters.

    :em01: :em34:

  35. LC HJ Caveman82952 Comment by LC HJ Caveman82952

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Speaking of the guy at McDogmeats……….back in the day of pay privies, for those of you old enough, you were generally charged one dime for your private room with bath. Note I said one dime, not two nickels or ten pennies. I remember an incident at San Francisco International years ago, late in the evening, one hapless soul, his teeth and asshole clenched, seeking a desperate respite.
    He didn’t have a dime…..
    It could explain the steaming :em72: I spotted on the floor in front of a stall.
    The pile with a quarter stuck in it…….

  36. sig94 Comment by sig94

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I worked vice for a while. A short while thank the Lord. The squad just needed some new meat as bait so they could do some trolling for pervs.

    I hated it. I got grabbed, tweaked, squeaked and freaked. How I didn’t kill someone is a miracle. Then I gratefully went back to patrol where you’re the one doing the grabbing.

    The reason the cops do those kaka details is because they have to. When you get complaints from a businessman or Joe Taxpaying Citizen ya gotta do something. If ya don’t, then the papers start running Letters To The Editor about the pervs grabbing little Johnny’s peepee in the park pisser… So you hold your nose and boldly hit the shithouse. When the perv asks if you don’t have anything better to do, well, ya don’t. Orders is orders.

  37. sig94 Comment by sig94

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    As a way to attract attention from another interested person, the men either cough, sneezed, tapped their feet, sometimes under the stall next to them, or they made loud zipper noises, police said.

    Thank God they never used loud farting noises in the shitter to attract a mate. I’d be a goner.

    :em99:

  38. LC HJ Caveman82952 Comment by LC HJ Caveman82952

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    A hole in the partition between the stalls? I would have just pissed in his eye and left…..

  39. Useful Idiot Comment by Useful Idiot

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    This could make a great Peter Sellers (God rest his soul) as Clouseau bit. Or, if someone mistook Herbert Lom (God rest his soul) twitching his eye as a come on.

  40. DJ Allyn,  ITW Comment by DJ Allyn, ITW

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Okay, it is time for Male Restroom Etiquette once again…

    And then there is this:

  41. LC Hardclimber54 Comment by LC Hardclimber54

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    DJ Allyn, ITW

    Don’t know where you found this Sir, it is absolutely hilarious and dead on!!! :em01: :em99:

    I will never discount your sense of humour Deej, you are sharp. Thank you, I needed a good laugh! :em99: