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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » 2 Hours of Straight Jack
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Monday has come and gone, and that must mean that there’s another endless recap of “24″ coming. More endless than usual, since last night’s episode was a double, so strap yourselves in and prepare to fight off narcolepsy:

Jack’s on a chopper, looking for Al Bundy who, as we recall, finished last episode by being kidnapped by Bonnie and Clyde. Of course, in order to find a car that they have no idea what looks like in a city with approximately three and a half gazillion cars, Jack needs Chloe’s patented scowling magic and a bit of geek wizardry. They’ve already tried running a check against McCarthy’s records at the DMV which, true to the usual government efficiency, has promised them an answer within 60 business days or whenever the staff comes back from lunch, whichever happens first.

Unfortunately, Chloe’s magic isn’t quite up to it due to her distress over Al’s kidnapping.

“Dammit, Chloe, there’s no need to worry right now. We’ve got time to rescue him!”

“How can you know, Jack?”

“Well, for one thing they need to keep him alive for long enough to activate the nukes. It’s hard to do that if you’re dead, you know.”

“But how long is THAT going to take?”

“Let’s see… With the inevitable refusals to cooperate, a bit of horrendous torture, him finally caving in and doing what the terrorists ask him to… I’d say just about enough time for me to arrive on the scene at the last moment, rescue him and let Fayed slip through my fingers with the new nuke activating thingummajig… A little less than an hour.”

“How do you calculate that?”

“It’s about how much time we’ve got left of this episode, Chloe, now get to work, dammit!”

Meanwhile, Bill calls Jack to tell him that Cue Ball is dead.

“Not to put any undue pressure or feelings of guilt on you, Jack, but it looks like you caused a heart attack in your brother.”

“Crap. Now I have to struggle with guilt and self-doubt for the next two hours, causing me to make mistakes until I inevitably realize that I had nothing to do with it. THERE’S NO TIME!”

“Sorry, Jack. It’s in the script.”

Frat Boy interrupts to tell Bill that he thinks Chloe’s screwing up due to her concern over Al Bundy.

“How do you know?”

“She’s been working on finding out which car the kidnappers drove for several minutes now, and she’s yet to come up with a profile of the make, model, serial number and individual tire pressures, not to mention what the dealer who sold the car had for breakfast.”

“Has she tried the scowl?”

“Yes sir, but even that doesn’t seem to be working.”

“The Scowl™ isn’t working???”, Bill asks, incredulously. “Damn! We’re fucked!”

He tells Chloe to hand over her workstation to Frat Boy and go practice her scowl some more in the ladies’ room. Frat Boy takes over and manages to get a satellite picture of the kidnapping in about three seconds, followed by the current location of the vehicle. He doesn’t manage to find out whether McCarthy had his eggs over easy or sunny side up this morning, though. But, then again, he’s not Chloe.

In the getaway car, Al Bundy is trying to convince Bonnie that Clyde McCarthy is a marked man and that it’s only a matter of time before the CTU catches up with them. Clyde McCarthy decides that, since the CTU already knows all about him, he might as well pick up the $7 million that Fayed has promised him. Tough choice, really. Pick up $7 million and take your chances on the run or surrender and spend the rest of your life being the boy toy of a 6′7″ sex-starved gang banger in a federal pen.

Obviously, Clyde McCarthy hasn’t been watching the previous seasons. If he had, he’d know that all he’d have to do would be to turn himself in and ask for one of the unconditional pardons that have been handed out like candy to any terrorist in CTU custody.

Clyde notices Jack’s chopper through the sunroof and tells Bonnie to make an immediate left turn at breakneck speed.

“Why? If they’re following us, there’s not a chance in Hell that we’re going to lose them by driving like maniacs. Choppers fly faster than cars drive, you know.”

“I know, you stupid bimbo, but we haven’t had a car chase yet this season, and the writers are worried that the viewers are getting impatient.”

After having filled the car chase quota for the first part of this season, Clyde finally decides that it’s enough and orders Bonnie to drive under a mix master, which immediately leads to them losing the chopper. After all, there’s no way of telling whether the car has switched on the warp drive and jumped from one ramp to another.

Jack, deciding that it’s easier to follow a Maserati on foot than by chopper, tells the pilot to land.

Below, Clyde has pulled into one of the parking lots that litter all California mix masters and is looking for a vehicle with the key in the ignition and no anti-theft system installed, which takes him approximately 25 seconds. Meanwhile, Al Bundy is trying to convince Bonnie that she ought to uncuff him, seeing as how Clyde is working with the terrorists who just set off the nuke in Valencia, Think of Teh Childrennnn™, and, anyway, CTU doesn’t know anything about her, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no MORE!

Nice try, Al, except for the fact that you forgot that you’re talking to a bleached blonde, which means that she lost you the moment you used a word with more than two syllables in it.

Clyde comes back and tells Al and Bonnie to get the fuck into the truck that he just got done breaking into, and they race off just as Jack, ever mindful of being exactly two seconds behind the bad guys in order to preserve suspense, manages to be just too late to stop them.

In the truck, Clyde receives a call from Fayed, who gives him the address where they have to drop off Al Bundy for the big payoff. Mindful of the fact that Bonnie couldn’t hear the address, he tells her to switch on the GPS (that was helpfully left behind in the truck with the keys in the ignition and no anti-theft system; we can’t wait until they find the mini-bar and the jacuzzi) and tells her the address:

“4332 Florence Avenue”

“Gotcha”, Bonnie says.

“Apartment 621″, he adds.

“And what would be the fucking point of entering an apartment number in a frakkin’ GPS?”

“How the fuck would I know? It’s in the damn script. Oh, and this too: DON’T YOU FORGET IT. The apartment number, that is. For some reason, it’s very important that I remember to say that too.”


Bonnie shoots Clyde and kicks his body out of the car.”

“Damn… That was… harsh”, Al Bundy says from the back seat, “but OK, whatever floats thy boat. Now uncuff me, please, and we’ll go for a nice cup of tea at the CTU.”

Bonnie isn’t in the mood for tea, though. She’s just repeating “7 million dollars” to herself, over and over again, while thinking about just how many pairs of shoes she can buy with that kind of moolah. Might even be enough left for a boob job or two.

Al Bundy wonders if telling Bonnie that the CTU didn’t know about her was such a great idea after all.

At the White House Bunker, President Allstate Jr is trying to smoothen out Karl Rove’s ruffled feathers.

“Listen, Karl, I know that you think that I’m blindsiding you here…”

“What? By turning down every proposal that I and the cabinet are making in favor of what your idiot ACLU sister is telling you to do? Whatever gave you that crazy idea?”

“Hey, you know that I’ve always valued your counsel. I need you on the staff, Karl.”

“Very well, Mr President, I’ll go prepare some more valued counsel that you can throw out, then.”

“Dammit, Karl, I need you to help me implement my policies!”

“I know, Mr President. Just let me know when you actually come up with some, and I’ll be right there. Until then, I’ll just let you and your sister run the country.”

An aide interrupts to let President Allstate Jr know that Assad has landed.

“Great! I can’t wait to talk to a known terrorist responsible for thousands of murders and get his input on how to run the country in a time of war”, President Allstate Jr says and tells Karl to go suck a lollipop. “I’d have asked Yasser Arafat too, but somebody told me that he isn’t currently alive. Oh, and tell me: does this dish-dasha make my butt look fat?”

Karl Rove walks to his office where his trusty henchman is waiting, and tells him what happened.

“Pack up my things and write my letter of resignation. I’m taking my ball and going home”, he shouts.

“But, Mr Rove, you can’t just do that. We, er, the COUNTRY needs you here.”

“To do what? Write proposals that will be turned down as soon as the Retard-in-Chief gets off the phone with his sister?”

He’s interrupted by President Allstate Jr on the intercom: “Karl, could you bring a pot of tea for Assad, please? Oh, and if you wouldn’t mind too terribly, please move your stuff to the janitor’s closet across the hall. al-Zawahiri is going to need your office while he works out how best to implement Shariah in the U.S. after he arrives. Oh, and Allah-u-Akbar!”

Karl Rove shoots the intercom. “Get me out of here before he starts insisting that we address him in Arabic.”

“But, the Vice President is on your side, Mr Rove!”

“That may be, but, and verify this with the Constitution if you don’t believe me, he’s not the one in power.”

“Hmmm… That gives me an idea”, Karl’s henchman says and wanders off. He calls a Mystery Man named Carson, who tells him that it’s time to “move ahead with what we all talked about”, wink-winking and nudge-nudging furiously to make sure that even the most retarded among the show’s audience know what he’s talking about.

At CTU, Bill tells Mrs Cue Ball that Mr Cue Ball has shuffled off his mortal coil.

“What happened?”

“A heart attack, most likely.”

“A heart attack?”

“Listen, I’m sorry, and I’m sure that…”

“No, it’s not that. I was worried it might be suicide. The insurance company would be total bitches if that were the case.”

Meanwhile, Jack has found Clyde McCarthy’s body and, helpfully, his cellphone with a record of his call from Fayed, which he uploads to CTU.

Bonnie arrives at Fayed’s apartment with Al Bundy in tow, demanding her money. Fayed tells her that she’ll get the money as soon as Al Bundy is done reprogramming the trigger device. Bonnie, being a bleached blonde, doesn’t realize that this means “I’ll shoot you in the face as soon as I’ve got what I want, moron”, and Fayed’s henchmen start beating the snot out of Al Bundy who doesn’t want to cooperate.

At CTU, Frat Boy is working desperately to trace where Fayed’s call to Clyde came from but, not knowing how to do The Scowl™, isn’t having much luck. At this point, Chloe returns from the ladies’ room.

“Milo, let me have a go at this”

“But, you’re distraught and stressed out!”

Chloe puts on her best frown and Frat Boy recoils in horror, suddenly succumbing to an urge to tell her how he loved sniffing his sister’s panties when he was 12 years old.

“Wow! That this is lethal“, he says when he comes back to.

“I refined it a bit”, Chloe answers, “now move over and let me try.”

She sits down and scowls furiously at the computer. Two seconds later, it delivers the address and melts down, sobbing uncontrollably. Frat Boy sends off the information to Jack, who tells Bill to send a fresh team of red shirts.

“Please tell me that you don’t want them to…”

“…set up a perimeter with more holes in it than a Swiss cheese, allowing the terrorists to escape at the last moment”, Jack interrupts.

“I was afraid that you were going to say that.”

At the White House Bunker, Assad arrives while President Allstate Jr is practicing his Islamist greetings.

“Salaam aleikum, my brother”, he says and proceeds to french kiss Assad until his tonsils are raw, “it fills my heart with joy to embrace you and your serious, not-at-all deceptive offer of peace.”

“You do realize that every single one of our offers of peace has been a lie designed to keep you infidel pigs at ease until we could hit you again?”, Assad asks.

“Yes, but I have a really good feeling about it this time. Not to mention that CAIR would sue the shit out of FOX unless we kiss up to you guys and create a fantasy for their benefit. And I sort of like my paycheck. Now, as I’m sure you’re aware, your guys, the very ones who follow you, have just set off a nuke murdering thousands of Americans, so obviously that leaves me with no choice but to trust whatever you say. To not do so would be racist, after all, not to mention logical, and we all know how the writers of this show feel about logic and reality, don’t we?”

“You infidels are insane.”

“Quite. But we celebrate diversity and embrace the legitimate grievances forcing you poor oppressed people to murder us wholesale, which is so much better than using our brains. I also realize, however, that whereas I can probably successfully, with the help of The Washington Post and The New York Times, get away with doing fuck all about one nuke going off in the U.S., I’d probably have to actually do something if another one was to explode. And if there’s one thing that I truly hate about this job, it is the constant nagging from the idiot voters about their leaders actually, you know, leading. It’s almost as if they don’t understand that their job is to re-elect me, and my job is to… Well… Nothing much at all. It pisses me off.”


“Anyway, I want you to go on Oprah and tell all of the Muslims in the U.S. that this whole 1,400 year old conflict was a huge mistake and that the Koran actually doesn’t mean a word that it says, and then they’ll all turn in Fayed within ten minutes, m’kay?”

“Could you pass that hookah? I mean, that must be some pretty powerful shit in there, and I just have to try it”, Assad answers.

“Sure thing, my brother. Have a puff.”

“You do realize that you’re out of your gourd, right?”

“Of course I do, but it feels good and, at any rate, my sister told me that it would work and she’s like Albert fuggin’ EINSTEIN when it comes to Jihad and geopolitics. She dates a Muslim, you know.”

“But what about my agenda? Don’t you think that maybe even the dimmest among my followers might find it a bit suspicious if I’m to appear on TV from the White House and renounce 1,400 years of religious teachings?”

“Hey, don’t sweat the small stuff. Throw in a blood libel or two and let them know that I’ve agreed to instituting Sharia law if it’ll make them feel better. Sure, the feminists might get a bit angry about the stonings and the burqas, but I’m a Democrat, so they’ll soon think up an excuse and rationalize the shit out of my sudden decision to collaborate with the worst misogynist assholes in the known universe. Remember how they forgot about sexual harassment when Billy J turned out to be a frothing horndog? Main thing is, unless Fayed is stopped, I’ll have to actually do something, and that would piss me off far more than the tens of thousands of irradiated and vaporized Californians. It’s not like California is a swing state anyway. Those bong-addled idiots will vote blue no matter what.”

“Alright, Mr President. I’m in. This is too stupid to pass up on.”

Meanwhile, the red shirts and Jack have arrived at the apartment building that Fayed is holed up in.

“Is the perimeter set up?”, Jack asks.

“Yes sir.”

“And have you made sure that there’s at least one escape route open? We wouldn’t want the rest of the season to be fucked up simply because you morons decided to use your heads for once, after all.”

“Yes sir. I mean, no sir. I mean… Fayed will escape at the last moment with his nuclear bomb reprogramming device so as to make sure that we’ll have something to do for the rest of the season.”

“Good. Now how do we find out which apartment Fayed is in?”

“Simple, sir. We know that the blonde is with them, so we set off a fire alarm. There’s no way in Hell the Islamists are going to let her escape a burning building without her being properly covered up, so all we have to do is to wait and see which apartment is still occupied.”

Inside the apartment, Fayed’s goons are busy torturing Al Bundy when the fire alarm goes off. Fayed, realizing what’s up, grabs a power drill and goes to torture Al Bundy some more by drilling through his shoulder blade, which finally makes Al cave in and agree to reprogram the device.

Hey! What happened to Torture Never Works™? Oh, we forget. It only Never Works™ when it’s the good guys doing it. Bonnie, meanwhile, has had enough. That power drill bit splattered blood all over her Manolo Blahniks, so she decides that she’s had it and tells Fayed to keep his money, she’s getting out of there, and is promptly shot in the head. Fayed doesn’t like people who turn down money. He probably didn’t like that the infidel whore wasn’t covered up properly in a burlap sack either.

At the Bunker, Karl Rove’s henchman is trying to talk Karl out of resigning, making pathetically obvious hints at “climate change.” Karl, thinking that he is about to show Al Gore’s PowerPoint slide presentation to him makes the sign of the cross and tries to banish him to Hell. Or Davos. Same thing, really. Seeing that Karl still isn’t getting it, the henchman pulls out a whiteboard and tries to make it even more obvious what he’s talking about without actually drawing a picture of President Allstate Jr with a targeting reticle superimposed over it.

Of course, the henchman isn’t really trying to explain it to Karl Rove, he’s doing it for the benefit of those of the viewers with an IQ slightly below the freezing point of water. The coveted demographic. They’re the ones who seem to be writing the scripts for the show these days, after all.

Finally Karl realizes that his henchman is talking about the inevitable Evil Right Wing Neocon Coup Attempt that no Hollywood fantasy can be without, in spite of the fact that we’ve yet to actually see one in the real world. He also knows that in all of the Hollywood fever fantasies about Evil Right Wingers lurking to usurp power, not a single one of the conspiracies has ever succeeded, so he, not wanting to be written out of the show this early in the season, brushes his henchman off.

Meanwhile, at Fayed’s hangout, the building is almost evacuated. Almost, except for three apartments. Using his brilliant powers of deduction and a slightly dog-eared copy of the script, Jack concludes that Fayed must be in the 6th floor apartment and decides that it’s time for a dramatic entrance. Inside, Al Bundy is working feverishly on making the arming device operational so that Fayed can escape with it at the very last moment. When he finally announces that he’s done, Fayed brings in one of the suitcase nukes and tells Al Bundy to arm it, which he does.

“DEVICE ARMED”, a helpful popup says, showing just how considerate the Soviet engineers who built it were. It would have truly sucked for the show’s audience if it had been in Russian, after all.

“Splendid”, Fayed says and walks off with the triggering device to escape through the obligatory Uncovered Escape Route™. “Oh, and kill Al Bundy”, he says as he walks off. Just in case a few kilotons of nuke doesn’t manage to bump him off, we suppose. Those shoe salesmen can be tough, you know. With Fayed safely escaped and Al Bundy about to be shot, all Hell breaks loose as the cavalry finally arrives, just as we knew they would.

After Jack and the TAC team are done shooting all of the leftover Muslim terrorists, they discover that Fayed didn’t take the nuke with him. We were overdue for a Disarming the Ticking Bomb Episode™ anyway. Jack opens the suitcase and radios CTU:

“Could I borrow Chloe for a moment?”, he asks, “I need some geek magic, and I need it fast.”

Chloe quickly locates the full schematics for the nuke in a file that CTU keeps for just this kind of occasion, along with step-by-step instructions on how to disarm it, of course.

“How far are the trigger plates from each other?”, Chloe asks.

“About three inches.”

“That gives us about three minutes.”

“How do you know all of this?”

“Well, it says so on this countdown timer on my computer screen that I overlooked earlier. Silly me. Also, it’s about how much time is left of this episode. Anyway, there’s a small metal lid that you need to unscrew and take off.”

“Copy that”, Jack says and grabs the standard issue Philips screwdriver that comes with all CTU armed entry kits. Once done screwing around, he takes off the lid, revealing the insides of a cheap Rolex imitation, presumably made in Krasnoyarsk. Chloe looks in her helpful disarming instructions and tells Jack to short all of the wires inside.

“The gears stopped!”, Jack says as he’s done shorting wires.

“Good. I was hoping that might happen. Now, carefully set dip switch #3 and #4 to the down position.”

“That didn’t work”, Jack says, “the trigger plates are still moving.”

“Oh… Hehe. I had it the wrong way around. It was dip switch #4 and #5. Good thing that those Soviet engineers never thought of installing some sort of anti-tamper mechanism in their suitcase nukes, isn’t it?”

Jack mumbles something under his breath that even we can’t bring ourselves to print. We’re pretty sure it’s not anatomically possible, though. He then disarms the bomb.

“OK, it’s over”, he says.

“No it isn’t. Fayed still has the device I programmed for him”, Al Bundy says.

“You gave him something that WORKED?”, Jack shouts.

“Er, how do you think that thing you just disarmed got to ticking, mate? Besides, we’re not even halfway through the season yet, so it would be sort of silly for it all to be over now, don’t you think?”

Jack mumbles something we won’t print either, then walks off.

Karl Rove, meanwhile, is informed that Fayed is at large with a functional triggering device and three nukes and he decides that it’s time to do something. Anything, actually, since it’s obvious that the CTU are too busy helping the terrorists escape every chance they get, and President Allstate Jr is too busy surrendering to the terrorists to be of much use if, indeed, he ever WAS any use to begin with. So he calls his henchman and says:

“You know, that discussion we had earlier? I think I’d like to talk some more about that…”

And, with that, we go to the second hour of the show, which, true to form, starts off with a preview of what we just got done watching five minutes ago, presumably for the benefit of the ADHD sufferers out there. Time for a bathroom break.

Fayed arrives in a chopper at another location, where some more of his seemingly endless supply of terrorist henchmen are waiting with the rest of the nukes. He calls a mystery man with a suspicious accent who turns out to be Gredenko and tells him what happened. Gredenko is not happy about the loss of another nuke, but informs Fayed that the “delivery system” is enroute to L.A. from Nevada and will arrive within two hours. Obviously the six weeks of planning before the show didn’t include getting all of the pieces to the same location.

Just as we get to enjoy knowing something that the CTU doesn’t, we learn that they’ve also just learned that Fayed is in cahoots with Gredenko. Furthermore, they know pretty much everything about Gredenko except, of course, for his actual whereabouts, other than the fact that he’s in the U.S.

“Chloe, run a check with INS and Customs to see if we can find out how he got into the country.”

Yep. That oughta work. As soon as they get done trying to figure out how approximately 12 million illegal aliens got across the border, that is. Gredenko will have full amnesty and U.S. citizenship before they get anything useful out of THEM.

Jack and Al Bundy arrive at CTU and Jack is updated about Gredenko, and Jack promises to ask his father if he knows something he hasn’t said already. His father, Dr Zefram Cochrane-Bauer, is hanging out in the morgue, eliminating evidence left among Cue Ball’s personal effects. You might think it strange that a civilian involved in a nuclear arms deal with terrorists is left wandering around as he bloody well pleases inside the CTU but, then again, you’d probably be one of those hateful doubters that found yourselves wondering why he was left alone with CTU’s only material witness last week and how nobody managed to get suspicious when said witness suddenly died of a heart attack when he was in the room.

Somewhere in the U.S., our disbelief is laid to rest with a 21 gun salute after hours of abuse at the hands of the show’s writers.

Jack waits outside while Dr Cochrane-Bauer gets done deleting contacts from Cue Ball’s cell phone and whatever else he might be doing, then enters the morgue.

“Listen, dad, I’m sorry about Graem, shit happens and all that, but could you tell me what you know about Dmitriy Gredenko?”

“Listen, I already told you, Jack. Graem was the one dealing with Gredenko and, as you can see, he ain’t talking anymore”, Dr Cochrane-Bauer replies while suppressing an evil grin.

“Alright, dad. If you say so it has to be true”, Jack says, making us all wanting to shout “who are you, and what did you do to Jack Bauer?”

Meanwhile, Chloe makes it to Medical, where Al Bundy is busy having a pity party for himself, moaning about how everybody is going to be mad at him when Fayed sets off the next nuke, using the triggering device that he programmed for him. You know, the sort of thing he might have thought about before he got done programming it.

Chloe tries to comfort him by pointing out that a power drill in the shoulder blade might, reasonably, be called a mitigating factor, but poor Al isn’t having any of it. He’s going to feel sorry for himself, dammit, and don’t anybody dare stop him!

Dr Cochrane-Bauer, still wandering around CTU as he pleases, calls another member of his conspiracy and puts out a hit on Gredenko. Jack, meanwhile, is busy telling Bill that his dad gave him his word, scout’s honor, that he didn’t know anything about Gredenko and hey, it’s not like weird shit involving people dying has been going on wherever his old man’s been hanging out, so he’s most definitely telling the truth.

While Jack’s there anyway, Bill tells him that toxicology sent their report back and that the drug Jack used in the interrogation was indeed the most likely cause of death. Apparently they didn’t do a measurement of the concentration, or they might have noticed that somebody mainlined about half a gallon of the stuff into poor Cue Ball before he died but hey, nobody’s perfect, least of all the CTU.

So, in view of all of this, there’s likely going to be an investigation, particularly seeing as how Jack was busy threatening to kill his brother during the interrogation, which is obviously unforgivable. Never mind that the creep had just confessed to murdering a President of the United States, participating in a plot to release nerve gas at a dozen locations all over the country, wiping out most of the CTU and… and… and… Threatening to kill somebody is SIMPLY NOT DONE!

It’s a good thing Jack isn’t working for the Border Patrol or he’d be serving 12 years of hard time already for the crime of violating the rights of a criminal. Oh, and murdering him, of course, because that’s exactly how I’d do it if I’d been Jack Bauer and wanted to kill somebody. I’d calmly holster my weapon, stop the IV and walk off, hoping that an Act of G-d would strike my enemy down. Not.

Bill offers to do a bit of cosmetic work on the report before sending it off, but Jack’s having none of it. Not that we blame him. Considering how the U.S. government has rewarded him for his services in the past 5 seasons, going to a federal prison is probably a best case scenario for him. At least it will keep the government from handing him back over to the Chinese or giving him to al-Qaeda.

At the White House Bunker, President Allstate Jr is going over Assad’s prepared speech, and he doesn’t seem happy about it.

“A little bit too much religious mumbo-jumbo in there, if you ask me”, he says.

“Listen, infidel, just what in the name of Allah’s left testicle do you think we’ve been on about for 1,400 years? Oil profits? Camel quotas?”

“Maybe so, but how on Earth am I supposed to keep talking about the Religion of Peace after this speech? Before you know it, people might start reading the Koran and realize that I, CAIR and everybody else in a position of power have told them nothing but bull for years and, what’s worse, they might actually start demanding that we do something! And if there’s something I hate about being President, it’s the constant nagging about how I need to actually do something.”

He is interrupted by a call from the VP.

“Just what in blue blazes do you think you’re doing?”, Vice President Noah starts off.

President Allstate Jr starts babbling about illegal detention, due process and…

“Oh shut up already, you twit. The terrorists just got a hold of a device that’ll let them set off three more nukes in our nation and you’re babbling about their Miranda rights. Less petulant, more rational people might say that now would be a good time to actually do something for a change.”

“Well, I have my reasons and you already know them. I know I’m doing the right thing here!”, President Allstate Jr protests.

“Which makes exactly one of you, seeing as how your entire Cabinet thinks you’re off your rocker.”

“That’s not true! My sister agrees with me too! Oh, and Assad, who is the coolest known terrorist and mass murderer that I’ve ever known!”

The Vice President sighs… “Mr President… Back during your campaign, I was put on the ticket because your critics were pointing out that you had no experience as well as the spine of a wet, overcooked noodle. It’s pretty clear that they were more right than they could possibly have known. I, however, am guilty of having missed the obvious fact that you’re also certifiably insane.”


“If I were you, Mr President”, Assad, who has been listening to the conversation, says, “I’d be careful about pissing people off like that. They’re likely to come after you before long.”

“What you don’t understand, Mr Assad, is that our cultures are vastly different, and that…”

“I wasn’t talking about anybody trying to kill you. I was merely pointing out that anybody with half an ounce of integrity would be well within his rights to pull your britches down and give you a good paddling for being an obnoxious, arrogant, self-centered, annoying brat.”

Karl Rove and his henchman, who are meeting in a boiler room, are planning a bit more than that, however and, at this point, we can only say “the sooner the better.”

Karl tries to get specifics about who, what and when, but his henchman isn’t talking, telling him that the less he knows, the better. Given that Karl’s questions sound more like an interrogation than an offer of assistance, we’re surprised that the henchman bothers talking to him at all, since it’s pretty damn obvious that ol’ Karl will flip right back before the season is over.

He does agree to deliver the President’s itinerary to the conspirators, however.

At CTU, Jack is about done with his “I’m sorry” rounds, needing only to talk to Cue Ball’s widow. Thank heavens. It was beginning to get a bit tiresome.

“I’m sorry, Marilyn”, he begins…

“Oh, it’s OK, Jack. I was trying to get a divorce anyway, and you wouldn’t believe how much you’ve saved me in attorneys’ fees here.”

That being out of the way, Jack begins to walk off when Mrs Cue Ball asks him how they’re doing finding the nukes and stuff.

“Not too good, Marilyn. Currently we’re trying to locate a Russian that Graem used to work with, the guy who got him the nukes.”

“A Russian?”

“Yes. Gredenko. You know him?”

“Er… No…”

“But you know something, don’t you?” Jack asks as his Spidey sense suddenly starts working again. He walks off with her to a small room and is, of course, seen going there with her by Dr Zefram-Cochrane the Omnipresent™.

“Listen”, Marilyn says as they arrive, “it was really nothing. One night when I was out shadowing Graem to see if he was having a bit of nookie on the side, to get some leverage against him if I were to divorce him, I followed him to a house out in West L.A., and when I got out of the car and walked up to the house, I noticed a lot of men speaking with Russian accents.”


“And I left.”

“What was the address?”

“I don’t remember. I just left.”

“You were out shadowing your husband to gather evidence against him and you didn’t note the address?”

“Are you deaf, Jack? Those were male voices. What do you think the chances are of finding a judge who’d give a hoot about that? This is L.A., remember? They’d probably give him a diversity medal and charge me with First Degree Homophobia.”

“Good point. Do you think you’d recognize the house if we were to go cruising in the neighborhood?”

“Yeah… I think I might. Yep. Definitely.”

Jack runs off to get permission from Bill, which nearly gives Bill a heart attack too.

“You’re asking me for permission to do anything? Maybe you should check in with Medical for a spell.”

Of course, the real reason for Jack to run off was to give the writers an excuse to let Dr Cochrane-Bauer have a word with Mrs Cue Ball.

She promptly gives him a detailed summary of everything she just told Jack, along with a description of what they’re about to do because, well, because that’s what anybody would do, right? She also asks Dr Cochrane-Bauer to look after her son Josh while she’s gone.

“Sure”, he says, “but why don’t I take him to my house?”


“Because I need a hosta… Er, because this place is freaking him out.”

“Alright. I’ll tell Mr Buchanan.”

As Jack and Marilyn leave, Dr Cochrane-Bauer calls his goon and tells him to prepare a surprise in a house in West L.A., then send him the address.

Chloe goes back to Medical, hoping to rip Al Bundy out of his self-pity and get him to do something useful again, but he’d much rather just lay around and wallow, bemoaning his sad fate when the terrorists set off another nuke. Anything to avoid doing actual work to prevent that from happening.

Chloe finally decides that enough is enough and slaps him in the face. It’s unfortunate that they left the power drill behind at Fayed’s house, or she might have been able to put it to good use.

In the car, the writers are having Marilyn and Jack engage in a bit of sappy human interest, but we’ll spare you the schmaltzy details. Besides, it happily doesn’t last for very long. Dr Cochrane-Bauer interrupts by calling Marilyn on her cell phone.

“Listen, Marilyn, whatever you do, don’t let Jack know that you’re talking to me. As a matter of fact, try not to say anything at all.”

Dr Cochrane-Bauer must not know too terribly much about women, or he’d know that one of the most suspicious things in the world is a woman with a cell phone at her ear who isn’t yakking like it’s going out of style.

“I need you to do something for me, and if you don’t, I’ll hurt Josh. Oh, and I killed Graem as well, just so you know. The writers couldn’t come up with another way of Jack finding out the truth, so they told me to say that as well. Now say ‘thank you, Susan’.”

“Thank you, Susan.”

“MY NAME IS NOT SUSAN! Sorry, I always wanted to say that for some reason. Anyway, here’s what you need to do. You need to take Jack to this address, 9407 Hindry Place. Thatisall. 9407 Hindry Place.”

He hangs up, then tells Josh that the roads are shut down, so they need to go to a hotel instead.

Meanwhile, at Gredenko’s hideout, they’re busy re-programming coordinates.

“You think you can trust the Arabs?”, one of his henchmen asks.

“They serve their purpose. I just want to hit this evil capitalist running dog lackey country for everything they did to the Soviet Union and, meanwhile, the Arabs get all the blame.”

Thank heavens. We were wondering how long it would be before the show caved in to CAIR and revealed that it was really somebody OTHER than Muslims that were behind it all, we just weren’t expecting them to recycle the Russians. But hey, it could be worse. It could be white supremacists, Bosnian arms dealers, colombian drug lords or Bavarian secessionists.

Fayed and his poor Muslims are just the hapless, oppressed tools of the ever-present REAL danger of ex-Soviet nationalists.

Right. Pass the barf bag.

Jack and Marilyn finally arrive at 9407 Hindry Place, along with Frat Boy and an ice cream truck full of CTU agents.

As they move on the house, Marilyn is having second thoughts, but Jack is too busy being Jack to pay attention to her desperate attempts to get his attention. There’s probably no time anyway.

“Why are they all wearing red shirts?”, Marilyn asks Frat Boy as they wait at the ice cream truck.

Jack and the red shirts enter the house, only to find it wired with explosives.

“That’s why”, Frat Boy answers as the whole house explodes, “now let’s get the heck out of here!”

He throws Marilyn into the ice cream truck and drives around frantically for a while, pursued by an SUV full of bad guys. After a while, he crashes into a wall. Instead of driving around the now stalled truck, the bad guys decide to stop and let Frat Boy and Marilyn use the ice cream truck for cover. Very gentlemanly of them.

Frat Boy crawls back into the truck and opens a crate full of hand grenades, then decides that lobbing them at the bad guys would be mean and probably against the Geneva Conventions and blows up the ice cream truck instead, thus robbing himself and Marilyn of the only cover they had.

“Oops”, he says, then runs off with Marilyn, pursued by three guys armed with automatic weapons.

Jack, meanwhile, wakes up back at the demolished house, from which he managed to escape by jumping through a window. Noticing that nobody seems to be around and that the ice cream truck is burning brightly, he calls in for EMT while going on in hot pursuit of whatever he can find to pursue hotly…

Bip, BIP, bip, BIP…

Tune in next week, as we find out just what the heck Frat Boy was thinking when he blew up the truck, not to mention why he, with just about every high-powered, automatic firearm at his disposal inside of it, chose to run off armed only with a 9mm Glock.

10 Responses to “2 Hours of Straight Jack”
  1. DJ Allyn,  ITW Comment by DJ Allyn, ITW

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Stop it! Yer spoilin’ the plot for me. I am waiting until it all comes out in DVD so I can watch it non-stop. :lol_wp:

  2. HoundOfDoom Comment by HoundOfDoom

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Allyn, don’t bother. This season blows chunks. I’m reading Gust Front while 24 is on this year. The only reason it’s on in our house is because it makes my bride hot.

  3. Unregistered Comment by Cheryl

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    “DEVICE ARMED”, a helpful popup says, showing just how considerate the Soviet engineers who built it were.

    Considerate, and forward-thinking of the Soviet engineers to have anticipated the Global Market[TM] by 50 years by using English! Although to have been completely correct, “DEVICE ARMED” should have been in English, Spanish, Chinese, and of course Arabic.

  4. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I’m still hooked, though. It’s an addiction, I tells ya!

  5. Unregistered Comment by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Finally Karl realizes that his henchman is talking about the inevitable Evil Right Wing Neocon Coup Attempt that no Hollywood fantasy can be without, in spite of the fact that we’ve yet to actually see one in the real world.


  6. Unregistered Comment by Cheryl

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    It is an addiction, Misha. I admit it. I just started watching in the third season, or whenever it was that Beyrooz and his mom were being hunted by the evil muzzie Marwan. I immediately became hooked. But I was so crestfallen to find out on Monday that the terrorists are really Russians and eeeevil neocons this time around who are trying to blame our Loyal Friends and Allies, the Noble Muslims for the bombings. I think even the loathesome and unusually homely Fayed is actually Russian. I promised I would not watch the damnable show again, but I know I will. :wallbash_tb: :furious_tb:

  7. Jack Deth Comment by Jack Deth

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Is it just me, or does Chiggy Killer need to ramp up CTU’s ability to tap into cell phone calls originating from CTU, OEB and the White House?

    I mean, CTU can pull Internet Messasges from the ether and spy on someone passed out by a palm tree outside of LA, but it’s oblivious to the intrigues on their home turf?

    LC Jack Deth~ Imperial Trancer Tracker & Tagger

  8. sig94 Comment by sig94

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I don’t record “24″ so can some one help me with this?

    The Al Bundy Key Hole Drill, was it a Makita or a Bosch? It had a 1/2″ bit on it and thought he could have a small lock set installed. With the proper rigging he wouldn’t have to worry about his ass falling off.

  9. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    24’s writers have become more left wing, but let’s look at how stupid the President is trusting the so-called majority of quiet Muslims.

    The President is a weakling, look how he cowered to little sis and her boyfriend Gee Wally. He’s running on emotion, not logic. Good reason to give him a slap.

    The President is trusting a reputed terrorist to try and calm down the other terrorists. Yeah right. This DID NOT work with Arafat, since Hamas, Al Aqsa and Islamic Jihad gave him the finger fore he died. Why would it work now? Because it’s the actor from Syriana, and Syriana is right, right? Nnnh!

    President moron is having the bureaucrats cow tow and hamstring Jack due to his interrogations and getting real info.

    And President Allstate was not bright enough to dig deeper into why Frau Blucher (horse neighs) left so suddenly.

    For once, I hope the evil neocon coup works.

  10. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    “More left wing?” I demand to know when Joel Surnow hired Jimmy Carter as a scriptwriter for the show; how else to explain Wayne Allstate’s foreign and domestic policy?

    Somewhere in the U.S., our disbelief is laid to rest with a 21 gun salute after hours of abuse at the hands of the show’s writers.

    For service “above and beyond the call,” etcetera, that funeral had damned well better be held at Arlington.