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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Become Carbon Neutral Today!
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While perusing an article about Hannity nailing the GoreBot for his rampant hypocrisy when he’s traveling all over the world spewing CO2 like it’s going out of style while demanding that the rest of us quit breathing in order to save the polar bears, I once again came across something that makes me laugh like a deranged hyena every time I run into it.

You see, the GoreBot’s propaganda ministry promptly “rebutted” by claiming that the Inconvenient Moron “maintains carbon neutrality” for his jet-setting by buying “carbon offsets.”

So what are these “carbon offsets”, and why do they cause such enormous mirth in His Majesty’s daily life every time they’re mentioned?

Well, to answer the first question (and the last, really), they’re a scam that would have made Ponzi himself feel like a rank amateur. Not that the Enviroloons came up with the idea, they actually stole it from the Catholics of yore. Back then, they were called “indulgences” and, for a “modest” fee, you could buy instant forgiveness for any and all of your sins. Just confess (it’s good for the soul), let the kindly father ring up your tab, pay the fee and you were as pure as the driven snow again.

Let’s explain how the modern Indulgence Scam works: Let’s say that you own a business. Somewhere, somebody will be happy, for a “modest” fee of course, to calculate your business’s “carbon footprint”, which is a number describing how much you’re despoiling the virgin body of Mother Gaia with your wicked, capitalist ways. Now let’s say that you’re exceeding your “quota” by, say, 20 Kt of CO2/year. That’s bad. You evil, WICKED Zoot!

Not to worry, though. Somewhere else in the world someone else is 20 Kt below his quota, so all you have to do is to pay that guy another “modest” fee to “purchase” his “carbon credits” and hey, you’re once again a True Friend of Mother Gaia! And somewhere in the Turd World some guy is very happy because some rich jerk just paid him a fortune to sit on his arse and NOT produce anything at all. No, this doesn’t make the CO2 you’ve been spewing disappear, so other than making some poor sod very happy about the windfall that just landed in his lap, everything is exactly the way it was before, but don’t you feel better already? You will, once you get over the sudden feeling of being a World Class Shmuck and, what’s more, you get to impress throngs of addle-brained liberals with your sudden “carbon neutrality.”

Sweet deal and, as with any other scam, His Majesty wants his part of it.

So here’s the deal: I herewith form a business that will produce gizmos, doodads and thingummajigs. Producing each of those will create approximately 8 tonnes of CO2, and I plan to sell them for $50 a piece. Here’s where you come in, oh Conscientious Worshippers of Gaia™. For every $60 you drop in my PayPal account, I promise to NOT produce one gizmo, doodad or thingummajig, which will allow you to spit out the 8 tonnes of CO2 that I would otherwise have “polluted” the atmosphere with, all without increasing your “carbon footprint” one iota!

And don’t worry about the legitimacy of this scheme. I’ll produce, at my own expense, a certificate with the signatures of two witnesses stating under oath that I did NOT produce the gizmo, doodad or thingummajig that you just paid me not to produce, thus handing over the 8 tonnes of CO2 credits to you.

Hey, it’s an offer so good that you cannot possibly refuse it, right?

Hurry up, supplies of products that I won’t be producing are strictly limited and will be sold on a first-doofus-to-fall-for-it, first served basis.

***UPDATE:*** While I’m busy sitting around producing nothing and expecting to get paid for it (and thanks for all the ideas and kind offers to help getting this brilliant scam Sustainable Gaia-Friendly Business Venture™ started, I’ll be getting back to you), I just discovered yet another way to earn carbon credits that you can sell to gullible patchoulistas out there: Plant trees! It’s like this: By planting a tree, you’re “sequestering carbon” which, obviously, creates even MORE juicy “carbon credits” that you can sell off at premium prices.

Yes, yes, I know, it sounds too much like actual work to be worth doing, right? That’s what I thought too, until I read on and found out that, once I’m done planting about a 1,000 trees or so (let’s start small so as not to be greedy here, not to mention that I don’t much care for getting my soft hands dirty), I’ll form ANOTHER company, Imperial Bonfires Inc., which will be chopping down trees and burning them off so the neighborhood kids can come grill sausages and make s’mores (for a fee, of course). Now, the beauty of it is, obviously, that chopping down trees and setting them on fire creates a LOT of CO2 so, in order to prove my Gaia-Saving Creds and earn even more “carbon creds” that I can sell off, I’ll offer to NOT chop down a tree if the Birkenstock-wearing Buttinskis of Berkeley pay me a whole lot of money which, again, will provide them with “carbon credits” to “offset their carbon footprints”, whatever the Hell that means. Beautiful, isn’t it? The silly buggers will be paying me TWICE, and I’ll get a whole lot of trees for the grandchildren to build tree houses in.

Hmmm… Speaking of “sequestering carbon”, that gives me another idea. I’ll exhale into Ziploc Bags™ and promise to keep the CO2 in there sequestered. For a price.

The possibilities with this Indulgence Scam are endless, I tell you!

33 Responses to “Become Carbon Neutral Today!”
  1. WayneB Comment by WayneB

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    And if you don’t want to have a gizmo, doodad or thingummajig NOT produced for you, I hereby promise to NOT produce a Whosit, Whatchamacallit, or DooHicky (related to, but not the same as, a doodad), saving that same 8 tonnes of CO2 for you, with a similar Statement of Authenticity. ;-)

  2. WayneB Comment by WayneB

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    For the same $60, of course.

  3. TDCG23 Comment by TDCG23

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    Oh Yeah!!

    My “whodjumawhatchits” would take 16 tonnes of CO2 to produce. And I WON’T produce them for a mere $50.00 each deposited into my PayPal account!!! :mrgreen_wp:

    That’s a 16 tonne CO2 credit for ONLY $50.00!!!! :jittery_tb: :clap_tb:

    Let the “NON-PRODUCTION” BIDDING WAR BEGGIN!!!!!!!!!!! :guns_tb:

  4. TDCG23 Comment by TDCG23

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    That should be “BEGIN”…..damn stickin’ keys…..

  5. Bill H Comment by Bill H

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    This is starting to sound like a European production scheme. That, or a US farm subsidy.

  6. Unregistered Comment by TC

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    I love the fact that his staff continues to mention that her “purchases” carbon credits. My wonderment is from who and at what cost? Can we see an invoice please? Not even considering that somebody might NOT be being a Truther, but hey the auditors are interested. Seems they too have a lust for jets!

  7. Chance Comment by Chance

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    I want a whatsit, but I unnerstand that whatsits create twice the burden on the environment..So maybe you should just send me enough whatsits to offset algores offset, so I can charge it back to him.. Then we’ll split the profits.

  8. kwongdzu Comment by kwongdzu

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    I once again came across something that makes me laugh like a deranged hyena every time I run into it.

    Want to know what makes me laugh like a hyena? This video I just watched over at Grouchy Old Cripple. I know it’s juvenile to laugh at this kind of stuff, but an elected official in a business suit just shouldn’t be a booger eater.

  9. Unregistered Comment by Draven32

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    Of course, someone has to design all of these thingies, which would require hours and hours of time on all five of my computers… and also, making the 3d renderings for the ad campaign will as well. the desoign process also involves many many printed pages, which make a double increase in carbone footprint. For the paltry sum of $25,000; i will forgo even designing these products and you can thus offset that portion of your carbon footprint :)

  10. GenVatutin Comment by GenVatutin

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    Gaia’s my bitch!

  11. Agent Orange Comment by Agent Orange

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    Greedy environment-destroying, Gaia-raping capitalists, the lot of you! :devil_tb:

    Tell you what. Not only will I not produce any contraptions, gadgets or widgets* (which produce a massive 64 tons of CO2 apiece), I’ll do it for free! Everyone bow before my incredibly superhuman efforts to save the planet and prevent catastrophic global warming!

    *= You probably don’t want them anyway. My dad says I should go build nukes for the Iranians so they’ll all be duds. :thumbdown_tb:

  12. DдrтH бдкфи Comment by DдrтH бдкфи

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    Waaaaay OT, but of interest to all of us in the dextrosphere…

    Witnesses said Israeli forces in civilian clothing sprayed Mahmoud Abu al-Jahim’s car with bullets in the city of Jenin, a militant stronghold in the (Arab-[ed.]) occupied West Bank [ed.] Judea and Samaria.

    They got the Arabs about to do the homicide-bombing, AND the Arab who sent them! The Talmud is very explicit on such matters- should a man rise up to kill you, rise up so that you may kill him first.

    Mazel Tov, ladies and gentlemen of the IDF! One large pizza coming right up!

  13. Unregistered Comment by Sniper Two

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    Hmmm… on the subject of nukes…

    Nuking Iran would cause nuclear winter, which would combat global warming, sooooo nuking Iran would be good for the environment :devil_tb:

  14. juandos Comment by juandos

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    I find it ironic that in the video clip from Hannity’s show the dope from Hope made a comment about how the ninties were the hottest on record…

    Chicago -1995 - 400+ deaths due to the heat wave and unlike Bush whose global environment policies were alledgedly the reason for Katrina and the resulting problems afterwards were due to Bush and his supposed hate for the poor in New Orleans there wasn’t one word said about the dope and how his environmental policies caused it… Apparently the dope didn’t care for the poor that died in Chicago…

    None the less the SUPREME GORON is up for an honorary Pile it Higher & Deeper from Moonbat U in Minnesota…

  15. LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR Comment by LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR

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    a certificate with the signatures of two witnesses stating under oath that I did NOT produce the gizmo, doodad or thingummajig that you just paid me not to produce, thus handing over the 8 tonnes of CO2 credits to you.

    Oh nooo…..sounds like more paperwork for the Ambassador’s desk. (I’ll sign once using each hand, that’s two siggies right?) I nominate BisW to depose us as well, just to make it nice n’ legal like, no?

    For say… 30% of the take, of course. You did teach me well Boss.

    Gee- Mother Gaia loves us again, I think I’ll have barbecued Unicorn for dinner this evening.

  16. Ten-Ten Comment by Ten-Ten

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    So….If Al Gore eats beans and cabbage, and washes them down with a dozen beers…. and I don’t…he sends me a check? Sign me up! Wait a minute, that sounds a whole lot like re-distribution of wealth. Can you say “Socialism”? I knew you could. :ponder_tb:

  17. sig94 Comment by sig94

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    You’re right on target again Majesty.

    Martin Luther spoke out against the sale of indulgences by the Catholic Church in his 95 Thesis:

    Indulgences, which were granted by the pope, forgave individual sinners not their sins, but the temporal punishment applied to those sins. These indulgences had become big business in much the same way pledge drives have become big business for public television in modern America.

    But what Luther also did was to provide the intellectual foundation of our nation, the concept of Freiheit- Von der Freiheit des Christenmenschen -The Freedom of the Christian - which eventually lead to notions of individual and political freedom in Northern Europe.

    Gore and his slobbering minions seek to deny our liberties and send us back into feudal serfdom; peons beholden to the GAIA worshipping, carbon-crediting socialists. It’s communism with a climate control wrapping.

    So if Al Gore can’t be president, he’ll settle for Pope instead (Pope is better ’cause it’s forever).

    This whole farce about Global Worming is a religion and we’re already seeing the threats of excommunication for those who question the true faith.

    Like Protestants and Catholics, there’ll be bloodshed over this eventually as the mooonbat hysteria climaxes and the UN bureaucrats smell a profit; after all, a profit delayed is a profit denied…

    Ammo up! With oodles of money to be made and religious fervor to ramp up their motivation, these sumbitches ain’t ever gonna stop.

  18. franksalterego Comment by franksalterego

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    With a little research, I run across this bit of information:

    Carbon dioxide is a molecule with the molecular formula CO2. The linear molecule consists of a carbon atom that is doubly bonded to two oxygen atoms, O=C=O.
    Although carbon dioxide mainly consists in the gaseous form, it also has a solid and a liquid form. It can only be solid when temperatures are below -78 oC. Liquid carbon dioxide mainly exists when carbon dioxide is dissolved in water. Carbon dioxide is only water-soluble, when pressure is maintained. After pressure drops it will try to escape to air, leaving a mass of air-bubbles in the water.

    Well now, what does THAT remind us of?

    BEER !!!

    The mind BOGGLES, the opportunities this presents…In fact, I think I may even be able to corner the Carbon Credit market, if I work it right.

    *hic*

  19. Unregistered Pingback by Inoperable Terran » Hee hee

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    […] explains the “carbon credit” scam. Posted by Ian S. […]

  20. Unregistered Comment by zoomietech

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I found the following tidbit on the epitome of truth, Wikipedia:

    Methane is a significant and plentiful fuel which is the principal component of natural gas. Burning one molecule of methane in the presence of oxygen releases one molecule of CO2 (carbon dioxide) and two molecules of H2O.

    I promise not to light any farts. Ergo, every time I fart and don’t light it, one of you can have a free Karbon Kredit(tm).

  21. TC@LeatherPenguin Comment by TC@LeatherPenguin

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    The funniest part of Algore & Co. getting behind “carbon credits” is that those ridiculously meaningless pieces of paper are straight out the Enron handbook of inventing “commodities” that have no real world manifestation; you can’t “go long” and take delivery, neither can you “short” the suckers because who in their right mind is gonna buy something you cannot possibly ever possess. But people pay to have the pieces of paper shoved here and there and feel like they’re saving the planet….

  22. Kristopher Comment by Kristopher

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    I’ll bet you could actually get some real carbon credits to sell …

    Pay a mexican lawyer to create a paper company in Mexico for you … then go to the agency responsible for issuing said credits, and tell them you intend to open up a “tire-disposal-by-burning” division, and plan to burn 10 million tires each year.

    Then offer to stop if your carbon credits are purchased.

    Might be worth a few million Euros a year … hell, you could buy and maintain a Russian Bear bomber, and use it to slaughter Hippies.

  23. BobO Comment by BobO

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    Great idea! I’ll front you the start-up costs and get this thing going. I figure, with my initial investment of $0 (I figure this is the actual start-up cost), I want at least 10% of the action.

    If you want, I can also help you on that non-production production assembly line. This is great. I can sit at home all day NOT making anything for you.

    Afterall, isnt this what capitalism is all about? Well, at least the way the libtards understand it. We all sit around doing nothing and expect to get paid for it!

    Bob O

  24. Unregistered Comment by jkaiseresquire

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    That was hilarious. So you can wreck the environment AS LONG AS you pay someone (who already isn’t doing anything anyway) to continue not doing anything. Not only does it make no sense, it is incredibly ridiculous.

    -J. Kaiser
    http://totaltransformation.wordpress.com

  25. LC Mrs. M Comment by LC Mrs. M

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    This thread would be absolutely hilarious….Well it is hilarious, just not as much as it could be if it weren’t for the fact that there are are a few million people out there that actually believes this shit.

    And they vote.

    And you know what? I can make a ton of money off betting that Al Gore doesn’t believe a damn thing he’s vomiting out to the poor Carbon Neutral Obsessed Sheeple (that are swallowing his tripe like Nina Hartley on a good day.) He’s caught onto the scam like we have…he just has the clout and Sheeple Money to actually make a living at it.
    What would you expect from the jerk off who “invented” the Internet?

  26. Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur Comment by Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur

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    And don’t worry about the legitimacy of this scheme. I’ll produce, at my own expense, a certificate with the signatures of two witnesses stating under oath that I did NOT produce the gizmo, doodad or thingummajig that you just paid me not to produce, thus handing over the 8 tonnes of CO2 credits to you.

    Just don’t backdate, ‘em Boss. The SEC hates that stuff, and as it has been explained here, I think these things would qualify as securities. I couldn’t bear to see the weenies from Justice show up at Imperial Headquarters and frogmarch you out for backdating. I would visit you in jail, however.

  27. TC@LeatherPenguin Comment by TC@LeatherPenguin

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    I just sent BobO’s idea to a friend working in the trading pits. He immediately sent back, “No, Costa Rica. You incorporate in Costa Rica and put local elected officials on the governing board: instant immunity.

  28. TC@LeatherPenguin Comment by TC@LeatherPenguin

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    sorry: “BobO’s response to Kristopher” got left out up there…

  29. Unregistered Comment by smokeybehr

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    Here is everything that you need to start planting those trees… I’ll be glad to get in on this scam environmentally conscious plan for the low price of just $19.95 per day. You can put it right into my PayPal account, and I’ll send you all the pre-notarized forms that you need.

  30. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

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    A corollary to this new, modern Indulgence Scam would be that this provides liberals with a shield against charges of hypocrisy. This way, the rich lefties can enjoy their Gulfstreams, their Donzis and their Porsches guilt-free…because they’re “paying” for whatever damage their lifestyles do to Mother Gaia.

    Unlike, you see, the rest of us because we’re not living a “carbon neutral” lifestyle. So in their eyes we really don’t have a right to argue with them.

    The “carbon neutral” scam is this campaign season’s equivalent of “I don’t need a tax cut”…in other words, it’s just another way for liberals to brag about how rich they are and how much they supposedly “care.”

  31. juandos Comment by juandos

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    corollary to this new, modern Indulgence Scam would be that this provides liberals with a shield against charges of hypocrisy. This way, the rich lefties can enjoy their Gulfstreams, their Donzis and their Porsches guilt-free…because they’re “paying” for whatever damage their lifestyles do to Mother Gaia

    The Scam of Global Warming Is That We Pay Others For Our Complacency

    The most destructive effect of the carbon offset trade is that it allows us to believe we can carry on polluting

  32. TC@LeatherPenguin Comment by TC@LeatherPenguin

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Looks like the “cabon trading” scam is already falling apart.

  33. Serious Sean Comment by Serious Sean

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    This is the craziest thing I ever heard…not surprised it comes from the demented minds that believe that supposedly man-made Global Worming™ is the greatest threat to humanity. :laugh_tb: