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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Hollywood Theologians
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Noted theologian and super-genius, James Cameron, has decided to follow in the steps of Dan Brown in an attempt to revive his moribund career.

Brace yourself. James Cameron, the man who brought you ‘The Titanic’ is back with another blockbuster. This time, the ship he’s sinking is Christianity.

OHNOES! Well, it was a nice 2,000 year run while it lasted, but I believe that all of us Christians will have to agree that it’s time to throw in the towel. After all, how can we possibly hope to survive the sheer scholarly supergeniusitude of James. Fricking. CAMERON??? All is lost, my fellow godbags. We had the unbelievers going for a while, but now the genius behind “The Titanic” has blown our little conspiracy wide open.

In a new documentary, Producer Cameron and his director, Simcha Jacobovici, make the starting claim that Jesus wasn’t resurrected –the cornerstone of Christian faith– and that his burial cave was discovered near Jerusalem. And, get this, Jesus sired a son with Mary Magdelene.

No, it’s not a re-make of “The Da Vinci Codes’. It’s supposed to be true.

“True” like the other feted Hollyweird “Documentaries” were supposed to be “true?”

Prepare for the surprise ending where James Cameron reveals that he, yes HE is the direct descendant of Jesus Christ and proceeds to walk on realistically rendered water.

Let’s go back 27 years, when Israeli construction workers were gouging out the foundations for a new building in the industrial park in the Talpiyot, a Jerusalem suburb. of Jerusalem. The earth gave way, revealing a 2,000 year old cave with 10 stone caskets. Archologists were summoned, and the stone caskets carted away for examination. It took 20 years for experts to decipher the names on the ten tombs. They were: Jesua, son of Joseph, Mary, Mary, Mathew, Jofa and Judah, son of Jesua.

Israel’s prominent archeologist Professor Amos Kloner didn’t associate the crypt with the New Testament Jesus. His father, after all, was a humble carpenter who couldn’t afford a luxury crypt for his family.

But, as James Cameron will reveal, he actually won the Roman State Lottery.

And all were common Jewish names.

There was also this little inconvenience that a few miles away, in the old city of Jerusalem, Christians for centuries had been worshipping the empty tomb of Christ at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher. Christ’s resurrection, after all, is the main foundation of the faith, proof that a boy born to a carpenter’s wife in a manger is the Son of God.

HA, you silly godbags! Take THAT!

But film-makers Cameron and Jacobovici claim to have amassed evidence through DNA tests, archeological evidence and Biblical studies, that the 10 coffins belong to Jesus and his family.

Presumably they got G-d to hand in a DNA sample.

So there you have it. This whole thing about Jesus being crucified is really just an elaborate hoax that every single Roman and Jew were in on and managed to keep going for 2,000 years, a prank thought up by the Romans to establish a religion that would be a thorn in their side for hundreds of years until they finally found themselves forced to adopt it.

You gotta hand it to them Jooos and Romans: When they think up a practical joke, they really, TRULY go all the way.

But they couldn’t fool James Cameron, a man so smart that he not only knows how the Administration pulled off 9/11, he was probably the one who thought it up in the FIRST place.

Yawn.

29 Responses to “Hollywood Theologians”
  1. LC 0311 crunchie Comment by LC 0311 crunchie

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    Hoo boy, here we go again. Buy a clue Cameron. Your historical innacuracies and slander were bad enough with “Titanic”, what makes you a freakin historian huh?

    First!

  2. LC HJ Caveman82952 Comment by LC HJ Caveman82952

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    Another idea…let’s throw away Islam…not that the left globally would sanction that move. Intolerant, they would scream. It’s always intolerant, or racist, or fill in the blank. These people quite predictable. Of course Cameron wouldn’t touch that, lest one of those peace loving butchers lopped off his head. Seeking to use Islam as a lever against Christianity or Judiasm seems part and parcel of the designs of these people. Same old shit, different paper…..

  3. Unregistered Comment by DukeFenton

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    Comment by LC HJ Caveman82952

    Another idea…let’s throw away Islam…

    Not a bad idea. It would be interesting to force a camera crew into the Kaaba to film the statue of Hubal (the magic black rock) to which they still prostrate themselves 5 times a day. Yes, they’re idol worshippers!

    On second thought, just nuke the place at the height of the Hajj - show them Allah can’t protect them.

    (I’m feeling particularly evil today…)

  4. Unregistered Comment by Azygos

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    In Camerons version of the crucifixion we learn that Jesus was the father of Anna Nicoles baby. That way he can tie it into current events that the left will believe.

  5. Unregistered Comment by LC Rey

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    I believe the money quote should be ” Why would a family from Galilee have multiple generations entombed in Jerusalem??? That would be, considering that you had to walk everywhere those days, like burying your family in a high end cementery in manhattan, when you hail from Dallas. Silly Jim….

  6. Unregistered Trackback by University Update

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    Hollywood Theologians…

  7. LC HJ Caveman82952 Comment by LC HJ Caveman82952

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    Now just what is the family resume, Mr. Cameron? Joe Christ was a carpenter, Mary Christ a homemaker? Jesus was born a homeless kid in a manger? But was Joseph not on his way to pay his taxes? Jesus a precocious, wise ass kid always getting into trouble at school, turning kids, when they pissed him off, or mugged him for his lunch money, into toads?

  8. LC Mrs. M Comment by LC Mrs. M

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    in an attempt to revive his moribund career.

    So the self made “King of the World” thinks he can take on the King of the Universe.

    Figures he thinks he can revive a dead career by sucking up to the Hollywierd Koolaid Drinkers. Al Gore is not going to be pleased with Cameron trying to steal his spotlight.

  9. LC Gunsniper Comment by LC Gunsniper

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    James Cameron must have been dipping into Oliver Stone’s peyote jar.

  10. LC HOGHEAD Comment by LC HOGHEAD

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    I want to know where and how they got Jesuses DNA.

    On a related note, amateur film maker LC Hoghead has aquired the DNA of Islams Mohammed , and has proven that big MO was the son of Lucifer, and a pork eating pedophile to boot. His new film, “A convienent truth” debuts Sept 11th.

  11. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

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    In a new documentary, Producer Cameron and his director, Simcha Jacobovici, make the starting claim that Jesus wasn’t resurrected –the cornerstone of Christian faith– and that his burial cave was discovered near Jerusalem. And, get this, Jesus sired a son with Mary Magdelene.

    *sigh*

    I’m just going to have to give up watching movies entirely, aren’t I? Certainly anything out of Hollywood; those people just don’t inhabit the same reality as the rest of us.

    And yes, add me to the list of people who want to know how Cameron got hold of the DNA of Christ…oh, wait, I think I know:

    “…And now, brethren, let us partake of the body and blood of Christ…erm…has anybody seen the communion wafers?”

    “I dunno, Padre, they were just here a minute ago; some skinny guy with a beard and a Film Actors Guild jacket was trying to grab a couple of them for snacks - Hey!”

    :lol_wp:

  12. juandos Comment by juandos

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    In a new documentary, Producer Cameron and his director, Simcha Jacobovici, make the starting claim that Jesus wasn’t resurrected –the cornerstone of Christian faith– and that his burial cave was discovered near Jerusalem. And, get this, Jesus sired a son with Mary Magdelene

    Cameron the coward should’ve taken on the, “pork eating pedophile” (good one HOGHEAD!) and see if he would’ve gotten the Salman Rushdie treatment

  13. Beeblebrox Comment by Beeblebrox

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    I’ve read several of the leading apologetic defenses of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, most notably “Evidence that Demands a Verdict” by Josh McDowell, a book I am confident that Cameron never read.

    The most oft cited skeptical view is that the resurrection is a “myth”. ChristianAnswers.net has one of the better summaries of how the resurrection of Jesus cannot have been a myth. I will summarize:

    1. Comparative literature demonstrates that myth takes a number of generations to develop. There are no parallels in other literature of myth developing and being believed in the presence of eye-witnesses and within the short timeframe in which the New Testament was formed.

    Historical research is on the side of an immediate belief in Jesus’ resurrection. Hundreds of witnesses saw Christ alive after his death. Once he appeared to 500 people at once (1 Corinthians 15:6).

    2. Many of these eyewitnesses to Christ’s public ministry were hostile toward the Jesus the Gospels describe (Matthew 12:22f). These opponents had both motives and means to correct falsehoods about Him had the first disciples attempted them. Yet their opportunity did not produce a serious correction.

    3. The Gospels don’t resemble either Greek myth or Jewish legend. In contrast to those, the Gospels understate and lack embellishment, yet contain details counterproductive to the invention of legendary heroes. For example, the following six factors in John chapter 20 are at odds with the tendency of legendary material:

  14. With great restraint, no attempt is made to describe the resurrection itself.
  15. Mary neither initially recognized the risen Jesus (the “hero”) (John 20:14).
  16. nor even considered that there was anything special about Him (John 20:16).
  17. Indeed, even by the end of the day, the disciples (the secondary “heroes”) were still in hiding “for fear of the Jews” (John 20:19).
  18. And, were the Gospels the free creation of paternalistic bias, as feminists charge, it is incredible the writers would have chosen women to be the first witnesses of the risen Jesus. The testimony of women didn’t even count legally.
  19. Yet, it was their courage the morning after the Resurrection that put the men’s contrasting cowardice to shame.
  20. 4. Jews were the poorest of candidates for inventing a mythical Christ. No other culture has so opposed mythically confusing deity with humanity, as did the Jewish.

    There are a few other arguments that skeptics make (such as that Jesus just “fainted” on the cross, was accidentally buried alive, and then “rose”. But these kind of assertions are less believable than the already unbelievable “myth” argument.

  21. Beeblebrox Comment by Beeblebrox

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    Hmm, I guess list markups don’t work herein. The 14-19 points should have just been bullets. My apologies for the formatting problem.

  22. Beeblebrox Comment by Beeblebrox

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    But at least I now know how to quickly get a thread up to 100 posts! :innocent1_tb:

  23. Serious Sean Comment by Serious Sean

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    So Jesus,born into a humble family, was buried in a lavish tomb. Right…
    An obscure offshoot of Judaism that was an elaborate hoax according to Cameron somehow managed to last 2000 years and dominate Western culture and theology without anyone discovering that it was bogus. Right…
    Cameron’s trying to cash in on the Da Vinci Code (which was totally fictional, btw).

  24. Alan K. Henderson Comment by Alan K. Henderson

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    Hey, the guy played fast and loose with history in Titanic, too:

    1. There was no attempt to break a speed record as in the film. J. Bruce Ismay (the CEO of White Star, the liner’s owner) did once speak with the engineer about the idea of a speed test, to be conducted on April 15 or 16. (The ship sank in the wee hours of the 15th.)

    2. Ismay did not order Captain Smith to keep the boat going at full speed when Smith gave him a copy of the telegraph announcing the iceberg alert; actually he stuffed the paper in his pocket and said nothing. At the British inquest Ismay said to the effect that he does not micromanage ship captains who know more about boats than he does.

    3. Ismay did not board Collapsible Lifeboat C while others were still on deck within his line of sight. (And unlike the movie, he could not see the opposite deck.) Ismay helped to lead people to lifeboats on that side of the deck until the last one was being lowered. Collapsible C still had room for several people; Ismay stepped in, and another man coming around the corner followed.

    4. The film gives the impression that evacuation was started immediately. There was actually a long delay; a complacent crew was certain Titanic would stay afloat.

    5. More than one lifeboat went back for survivors.

  25. Unregistered Comment by LC The Humble Devildog, Imperial Scholar

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    The most obvious fact that Cameron screwed up in Titanic is the name of the lake what’s-his-face-deCacprio cited as his family’s vacation spot in Wisconsin. The lake Cameron cites is a lake Cameron is known to enjoy from time to time, but…wasn’t created until two years AFTER the Titanic sank. I don’t recall the name of the lake, but, it’s there, and it’s a matter of actual, historical reality. Yes, I know, man made lakes in Wisconsin are analogous to taking coals to Newcastle, but…the fact remains that Cameron cited one of his favorite fishing spots in Wisconsin as a place one of his characters grew up in…even though the place didn’t exist until two years after the character died.

    Ok, now, I’ll deal with the merits of his upcoming movie. An adviser to an English king once remarked to the king “the Church is an anvil that has worn out many a hammer.”

    Jimmy-boy, you ain’t the first person to try to discredit the historical merits of the Christian religion. You’ll meet with the same success that all the previous people did…none.

    The evidence for Jesus bar Joseph’s resurrection, existence, and divinity are far beyond what a rational person could conceivably contradict. Since all objections to Christ are morally based, this movie will only appeal to those whose faith is based upon non-logical reasons.

    (yes, I can back up my previous assertion. If you’re an atheist, you’re irrational. Case closed.)

  26. Michael Comment by Michael

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    So can we go rioting and buring building down like the followers of the Religion of Peace (my ass)?

  27. Unregistered Comment by Infidel River Rat

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    Yet another example of the double standards of the left! It’s OK to shit on Christianity in any way, shape, or form while proselytizing anything and everything else!

  28. jmaimarc Comment by jmaimarc

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    First someone lets the Protocols out, now this… can’t anyone keep a damn secret anymore? How the hell are we supposed to run the world under these conditions!?!

    So hard to be a Jooo nowadays…

  29. LC Guido Cabrone Comment by LC Guido Cabrone

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    So can we go rioting and buring building down like the followers of the Religion of Peace (my ass)?

    Sure! What buildings you wanna start with? Movie theatres? (OH, wait, you said, “like the followers of the Religion of Peace (my ass)”, guess that means it had better be something like grocery stores, huh? Movie theatres would be entirely too logical…)

  30. SoCalOilMan, LC Comment by SoCalOilMan, LC

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    jmaimarc

    First someone lets the Protocols out, now this… can’t anyone keep a damn secret anymore? How the hell are we supposed to run the world under these conditions!?!

    So hard to be a Jooo nowadays…

    :lol_wp:

  31. juandos Comment by juandos

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    Beeblebrox (#13) says:

    Historical research is on the side of an immediate belief in Jesus’ resurrection. Hundreds of witnesses saw Christ alive after his death. Once he appeared to 500 people at once (1 Corinthians 15:6).

    Hey Beeb, couldn’t it be possible that Cameron is trying to leave the impression that the bible isn’t the least bit factually correct?

    IF” that’s the case what other well known documents would back up what’s in Corinthians besides McDowell’s book?

  32. Beeblebrox Comment by Beeblebrox

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    what other well known documents would back up what’s in Corinthians besides McDowell’s book?

    Hi Juandos,

    By “documents” do you mean contemporaneous to the Bible or to us now?

    It would be difficult to actually refute the NT docs based on the idea that the NT itself was a fabrication. The books were in circulation so soon after the earthly life of Jesus that eyewitnesses to the events would have been all over them if they were relating false testimony.

    This is the reason that the books themselves, even to this day, are not attacked directly as unauthentic by anyone with any modest knowledge of the issues. They are the most verified of any ancient writings we have. Note that there are no contemporaneous docs to the NT that say it was false, even though both the Romans and the Jewish elite would have had everything to gain by proving the resurrection story to be a fabrication. No such counter-documents have ever been found. In fact, the greatest skeptic and anti-Christian persecutor of the day, Saul of Tarsus, was converted as a direct result of seeing the risen Christ.

    At this point in our history, the only arguments made against the resurrection of Jesus are those made in ignorance. Once you know the historical background, the politics of the era, and extra-Biblical supporting evidence (the writings of Josephus for example), it becomes clear that there is no way that the story could be false.

    Furthermore, the prophetic nature of Christ’s first coming is documented throughout the OT. There you will find over 300 prophesies concerning His birth, death, and resurrection, all of them fulfilled. Even if you discount the resurrection itself based on the distance we are from the event, you still have a challenge. Christ’s fulfillment of the OT prophesies related to his birth and death comprise so high a bar to fulfill by chance that they can only be of supernatural origins. Since this is obvious, then if Jesus DIDN’T resurrect then we have to assume that the Bible can specifically predict events that will happen in the distant future with 99% accuracy, proving that they were of God, but then He misses on the issue of the resurrection. If the Bible demonstrates itself to be authored by an extra-dimensional being (and it does) who knows and demonstrates He knows the future, then why mess up on a major detail like the resurrection? To assume He did is simply an untenable and illogical position.

    Cheers,

    -B

    P.S. Another great book for the layman on this issue is the Case for Christ by Lee Strobel

  33. Unregistered Comment by jkaiseresquire

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    Eh, I am not too worried about it shaking my faith. However, I am worried about those kind of Christians who found the work of Dan Brown alluring.

    -J. Kaiser
    http://totaltransformation.wordpress.com

  34. L.C. Rowane Comment by L.C. Rowane

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    I know how most feel about world net daily but,
    see this

    and this

    This kinda makes a fool of Cameron.

  35. juandos Comment by juandos

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    Beeblebrox (#31) says:

    P.S. Another great book for the layman on this issue is the Case for Christ by Lee Strobel

    Thanks, this is what I was looking for…

    Note that there are no contemporaneous docs to the NT that say it was false, even though both the Romans and the Jewish elite would have had everything to gain by proving the resurrection story to be a fabrication.

    Cha-Ching! Exactly what I was thinking… Thanks for that affirmation…

    Good stuff Beeb! Thanks a lot…

  36. Unregistered Comment by larry

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    Bottom line, if you believe the Bible and the Gospels, nothing changes; you still believe.
    Likewise, if you didn’t believe, nothing changes; you still don’t believe.
    “Titanic” was a work of historical fiction, intended to amuse and entertain. Kind of like DaVinci Code.
    What I’m going to hate to see is the rise in my insurance rates when all those Christians riot in the streets.
    Oh yeah…well, nevermind.