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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » It Didn’t Work In 1944 Either
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Another Monday has come and gone and, as you all know, this means yet another seemingly endless recap of the Adventures of Jack that nobody will read (judging by the comments, that is). Or maybe it’s just that they’re such self-evident genius and comedic brilliance that none dare suggest improvements. We like to think that but, then again, we would, wouldn’t we?

Somewhere in the desert, Gredenko is awaiting the arrival of Fayed and the “delivery system” for the remaining three nukes. Fayed wants to know when they can start setting off nukes, and Gredenko patiently informs him that there’s a lot more plot development to be done and, besides, the writers ran out of ideas, so they’re going to have to stretch out the nuke suspense bit for at least another three episodes hours.

“That’s longer than I’d hoped”, Fayed says, pouting at his cell phone.

“Listen, you morons have had 1,400 years to come up with a way to destroy the infidels and you haven’t yet invented hot and cold running water, and here you are bitching about three measly hours? If it weren’t for the rest of the world, you’d still be wondering what to do with that black, sticky stuff underground, so just shut up already.”

Gredenko hangs up and turns to his henchman.

“I’ll be glad when we no longer have to deal with these ‘people’, living in the Dark Ages and thinking that they own the world.”

“So why aren’t we fighting them?“, the henchman sensibly points out.

Gredenko knocks him on the head.

“Helloooo… McFlyski? Anybody home? Thanks to our brilliant plot, we won’t have to. The Arabs and the West will destroy each other and then, THEN MOTHER RUSSIA WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!1!!1!!”

“So you’re saying that this is what it’s all about? That it’s really not at all about the Religion of ‘Peace’ and Jihad, that it’s all just a sinister plot by the former Soviet Union and now us to make them destroy each other so that we can take over the world?”

“Did you somehow miss out on the decades of memos I’ve been passing around?”

“No, comrade, but the writers wanted to make sure that all the CAIR members watching ‘24′ to find something to sue about get it too, and, as you know, they’re not exactly the brightest bulbs in the box.”

Back at the White House, the ambassador from an unknown Middle Eastern country (can’t risk another lawsuit, can we? Russians, Serb nationalists and Central American drug smugglers are perfectly fine to mention on the show, but never EVER mention Middle Eastern countries by name!) that we got to know earlier, when the bomb blew up in Valencia, returns to once again express his sincere condolences and assure the President that the uninterrupted parties all over his home country are only the random outbursts of a tiny minority of extremists.

President Allstate Jr introduces the ambassador to his new bestest buddy in the whole wide world, Assad the Genocidal Mass Murderer, and the ambassador looks like he’s just been asked to share a hot tub with a giant cockroach which, in effect, he has. He makes it quite clear that he’s not too fond of breathing the same air as a fanatical psychopath who’s been busy murdering countless innocent civilians in his home country, and Assad interrupts him by telling him that “he defines ‘innocent’ a bit differently than normal people do.”

No shit, Sherlock. “Innocent” in the Handbook for Assholes for Allah means “anybody on our side, no matter what” and “guilty” means “anybody we can kill, particularly infants and the elderly, since they’re not likely to shoot back.”

President Allstate Jr, who is in no mood to have his terrorist friend Assad slandered in that way, interrupts:

“We’re not here to air past differences. We’re here to announce to the world that Mr Assad is the most wonderful person in the world, a true prophet who will bring peace to us all and make the Jihad started at the time of Mohammed (pbuh) go away forever. Oh, and you’re here to kiss his ass like I already have.”

“With all due respect, Mr President, you’re out of your gourd. Now, if you’ll have me excused, I’ll go home before the men with the long-sleeved white jackets arrive.”

“Oh no you won’t. You’ll make your Prime Minister prostrate himself before Assad and sing his praises just like I have.”

“Doubtful. Unlike you, Mr President, my Prime Minister has a pair of testicles, and it’ll be quite hard for him to suddenly declare everlasting support for an animal responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocents. We don’t have Oprah and American Idol in our country, so most of our citizens are quite likely to remember all of those attacks.”

“You don’t understand”, President Allstate al-Jr says, “if you don’t do this and another bomb goes off in my country, we’ll hold you directly responsible and nuke the shit out of you.”

“Oh, so you won’t respond to a nuclear attack on Valencia, claiming that you don’t know who did it, but if we don’t follow your idiotic plan, you’ll turn US into a glass parking lot?”

“I never claimed to be consistent or even sane, now did I?”, President Allstate Jr responds.

Meanwhile, Jack is calling Bill, telling him about the connection with President Spineless of last season and that he needs to talk to him.

“Where is he?”

“He’s in Hidden Valley under house arrest”, Bill answers.

“He was involved in the murder of a former President, a plot to release nerve gas in the United States and responsible for hundreds of deaths, and he’s under HOUSE ARREST?”, Jack asks.

“A bit harsh, I know, but he’d used rubber checks to pay for his cable TV as well, so there was no way the government could give him a Sandy Berger deal.”

Once again we’re reminded that there is no crime horrid enough that a politician will ever get punished for it.

Jack hangs up and tells Marilyn and Josh to go back to CTU where they’ll be “safe”. Since they haven’t watched the previous seasons, they don’t run away screaming at the top of their lungs. Pity for them, and even worse pity for the rest of us. We now have several hours wasted with the two of them being taken hostage and Jack trying to rescue them to look forward to.

At the White House Bunker, Reed is escorting the bomb guy in. Since the bomber has no dangerous items such as nail clippers or baby bottles on him, only a briefcase full of high explosives, he’s waved on through. Bomb Dude isn’t pleased to learn about Karl Rove Spineless Toad having flipped, and wants to kill him. Reed, however, will have none of that. Killing a sitting President is one thing, but killing his chief of staff? No way, Jose, there’s no way Reed is going to stand for THAT!

No, it doesn’t make any sense, but it DOES give the screenwriters a chance to let Reed say “we’re just trying to save the country” a lot, thus making it clear to all the viewers that all of those crazy right wing nutjobs out there using those same words are really only interested in killing the President, staging a coup, destroying the Constitution and make the Baby Jesus cry.

Bomb Dude shakes his head in wonder at the transparency of the MoveOn.org writers’ intentions, then goes ahead and starts assembling the bomb.

Upstairs, everybody is suddenly fantastically interested in knowing where Spineless Toad is, and Reed is confronted by some minion asking for his whereabouts. Instead of just telling her that he has no idea, Reed is careful to look as guilty as possible and comes up with a lame explanation that it only takes the minion three seconds to poke a hole in. At least he doesn’t tell her that Spineless Toad is in the boiler room with Bomb Dude, sporting a duct tape gag.

At CTU, Al Bundy is having trouble doing his job, leading to Chloe immediately suspecting that something’s wrong. Noticing that he’s forgotten to turn his computer on probably doesn’t help either.

“Did you call your AA sponsor?”, she asks.

“Sure I did”, Al answers, wondering if he’ll be allowed to go back to work after the third degree, “we had this long talk and I feel a lot better now.”

Nobody knows just when, exactly, Al Bundy was supposed to have had this “long talk”, but maybe he can bend the space-time continuum just like Jack can.

Chloe is not convinced.

“Well, if you’ll excuse me for a minute, I’ll just walk off to switch a server port”, Al says.

“Why would you need to do that?”, Chloe asks.

“Well, truth be told, I don’t, but the writers said that I needed to give you a chance to grab my phone and look up the number of my sponsor while I wasn’t looking. The number is under ‘A’ for ‘AA Sponsor’, by the way”, he replies and walks off.

Chloe ‘covertly’ grabs his PDA and writes down the number. Token Arab Chick Mole arrives, wondering what’s up with Al too. At this rate, everybody at CTU will be in on the side plot within another episode and a half or less. She suggests that maybe Al isn’t quite firing on all eight cylinders and maybe he should go home. Chloe, using basic logic, explains to Token Arab Chick that even an Al firing on only seven cylinders is still better than an empty workstation. Chloe then walks off and calls Al’s sponsor, who isn’t home, so she leaves a message.

Jack arrives at President Weasel’s mansion arrest and, after having navigated the golf course, the tennis court, the three swimming pools and the three dozen Playboy Bunnies frolicking on the patio, finally arrives at President Weasel’s Spartan 45 bedroom mansion.

“Damn. You really got a rough deal for murdering a President and a few hundred American citizens”, Jack points out, “and there I was, after having stopped you and saved millions of lives, living the Good Life in a luxurious Chinese Gulag while the Administration was sitting on their hands, showing their gratitude by doing absolutely nothing to get me out. And I thought I had it rough!”

“Well, what can I say? Justice in America is ruthless, rough and uncompromising”, President Weasel says while sipping from a glass of 1879 Chateau LaFitte, “but I try not to be too bitter about it. I did something incredibly evil, after all, and deserve all the punishment that the justice system threw at me. By the way, does this silk kimono make my butt look big?”

“Such courage in the face of adversity”, Jack says, “but let’s get to the point: you said you could help me get to Gredenko?”

“Sure I can.”

Jack looks at him skeptically. “But you want some kind of plea agreement in return for your assistance, right?”

“What? Are you out of your mind? Why on Earth would anybody want to get away from this”, President Weasel counters, pointing to the 4 naked supermodels pouring him a drink and nibbling on his toes. Heck, even John Edwards would give his left nut, if he had any, to swap with me. His new mansion looks like a West Virginia shithouse compared with my bathroom.”

“Good point”, Jack says, “so what IS in it for you?”

“I just want to make up for what I did.”

“Really?”

“Of course not, Jack, but it sure sounds good, doesn’t it? No, what is really behind all of this is that the writers wanted to bring me back from last season in a Surprise Development, so here I am. Don’t ask me, I don’t write the script.”

“Alright then. I gave up on figuring out what the writers were up to four seasons ago anyway, so tell me what I need to know. You can help me get Gredenko? How?”

President Weasel reveals that he knows one of Gredenko’s contacts personally, the Russian Consul General in L.A., Markov, since he was one of the guys helping him with last season’s plot. He also tells Jack that getting to Markov through official channels won’t work, since he’ll just deny everything. Besides, the U.S. government, in keeping with previous seasons, would only offer him a full immunity deal and move him in at President Weasel’s mansion. So Jack’s only chance is to let President Weasel talk to Markov in person.

Jack isn’t thrilled, but decides to call President Allstate Jr to ask for a weekend pass for President Weasel.

“I already CALLED Markov, and he told me that he knew nothing about all of this”, President Allstate Jr replies.

Jack takes a deep breath, wondering if some sort of switch happened at the hospital when Allstate Jr was born or if his mother just raised the placenta and threw the baby out by mistake.

“Did it ever occur to you that he might have lied to you?”

“…”

“Well?”

“Damn! That’s BRILLIANT, Jack! Why didn’t I think of that?”, Allstate Jr replies and agrees to sign the papers after some more transparently bullshit agonizing over signing a temporary release for President Weasel. After all, Allstate Jr is the same guy who has no trouble handing over the reins of the nation to a known terrorist, and now he’s having second thoughts about letting a former President out of mansion arrest for a few hours?

Obviously, President Allstate Jr’s trust in his fellow man only extends to fanatical Jihadists.

Out in the desert at Gredenko’s location, the “delivery system” finally arrives. It turns out to be unmanned Predator drones, which is quite worrisome. After all, we know how effective those are or, rather, how effective they would be if their operators didn’t have to ask permission from the local JAG-offs before actually using them for what they were designed to do. Mullah Omar sends his kind regards, JAG. The check is in the mail.

At CTU, Bill Buchanan joins the “Al Bundy is Not All There” Crowd and decides that he should hand off his assignments to Chloe. Al Bundy stands up for himself and points out to Bill that if he doesn’t think that he’s up to doing his job, then maybe it would be a good idea to just send him home? After all, it’s not like he would even be back at his post if it wasn’t for Chloe interrupting his pity party and demanding that he make himself useful. Confronted with this inconvenient outburst of logic, Bill decides that maybe Al Bundy can be allowed to work anyway.

All of us watching the show now know beyond a reasonable doubt that Al Bundy will go out in a blaze of glory before the season is over in order to redeem himself and prove everybody wrong, which is a pity, because Al seems to be the only truly likable character on the show or, at the very least, the only one with a brain.

Token Arab Chick protests, but Bill isn’t having any of it. Later, Token Arab Chick approaches Chloe, bitching further about Al Bundy’s lack of concentration or whatever it is she’s on about. Seeing as how she doesn’t know a thing about Al’s drinking issues and has no concrete reasons to doubt his fitness, we can’t help but wonder if Al is getting close to something that T.A.C. doesn’t want him to be looking into, or maybe she just realizes that he’s the only one at CTU actually qualified to be there and that, as a result, he might figure something out in the future. At any rate, her obsession with getting Al Bundy sent home is beginning to look a bit suspicious.

Chloe walks off in search of Al, nagging him some more. At this point, we’re wondering why the fuck Al even bothers. If we were him, we’d just go home and tell the doofuses (or is it “doofi?”) to go fuck themselves. If only they’d devote half that amount of devotion to actually stopping the terrorists, this season would’ve been over 4 episodes ago.

At Chateau Weasel, President Weasel is busy reciting Scripture verses to himself in the mirror. What do you mean? Of COURSE he’s a Christofascist godbag! To make sure that nobody viewing the show misses that little slander, the MoveOn.org writers then make Jack pick up a Bible in which the very same phrase that President Weasel just recited is highlighted. Oh, and in case anybody missed it, they then make President Weasel put on an American flag lapel pin and a sign saying “CHRISTOFASCIST FUNDAMENTALIST GODBAG” around his neck.

Thanks, MoveOn.org writers, we think that even the dimmest slugs watching the show got it now.

At CTU, Chloe gets a callback from Al Bundy’s AA sponsor, who claims that she hasn’t heard from Al in years. Chloe immediately goes off in search of Al, ending up in the mens’ room where Al is having a #2.

Al helpfully points out that he’s got a new sponsor, offering to call him right then and there to confirm his claim, and that maybe it’s a bit loopy to kick in the door to the mens’ room, throwing accusations around.

Chloe insists that she’s got good reason to do so and that it’s not like anybody’s out to get him.

Well, other than everybody down to and including the janitor questioning his judgment, people spying on his phone and kicking down the door to the mens’ room, that is. Again, if they’d be half as vigilant about doing their actual jobs… Chloe leaves and Al Bundy pulls out his whiskey bottle and pours it into the sink, throwing the empty into the trash. After all, knowing how well CTU “security” works, that’s probably the last place they’ll look.

At the White House Bunker, Bomb Dude is finally done jury-rigging a tape recorder, turning it into a bomb, and hands it off to Reed, telling him to place it at the podium. Then, when President Allstate Jr is in there, within 10 feet of it, to punch in a code on his PDA and it’ll go off in 15 seconds.

“Hmmm… Bomb, conference room, limited kill radius…”, Reed says, “that rings a bell… Where’d you come up with that plan?”

“Some Kraut named von Stauffenberg thought it up a long time ago”, Bomb Dude replies, “it should work wonderfully.”

“Alright”, Reed says and walks off with the bomb.

He takes the bomb to the podium and hides it under the top of it, then walks out of the room.

As President Allstate Jr and Assad enters the room and Assad goes to the podium to rehearse his speech, Reed punches in the numbers on his PDA. As the seconds tick by, the bomb promptly starts leaking fluid which Assad, being quite familiar with bombs and the murder of civilians, notices right away, screaming “BOMB!” and throwing himself at President Allstate Jr to save his life, which once again proves to us that the writers are off their meds. CAIR, on the other hand, should be well pleased with tonight’s episode. One of the terrorists that they support saves the life of a U.S. President, rather than diving for cover to save his own ass.

It must be nice, living in the fantasy la-la-land that the show’s writers inhabit.

So, to sum up what we’ve learned tonight:

This whole nuke thing isn’t really due to the Religion of “Peace” carrying out their homicidal, 1,400-year-old fantasies about eradicating the infidels, it’s really a bunch of ultra-radical Russian nationalists ruthlessly exploiting the legitimate grievances of the poor, oppressed by the Zionists, brown people of the Middle East.

Right Wing Extremists are hiding around every corner, plotting constantly to shred the Constitution, murder the democratically elected leadership of the country and throw us back into the Dark Ages.

The villain of last season, President Weasel, who had no compunctions about spreading nerve gas in malls and assassinating former Presidents, is a Christofascist godbag because, Heaven knows, we all know what those people are like, don’t we?

Islamist terrorist leaders like Assad are really only interested in peace, to the point where they’ll gladly sacrifice themselves to save the life of a President of the Great Satan.

Tune in next week when President Allstate Jr, hurt but still alive, watches helplessly as the fascist Vice President and his Right Wing Deathbeasts turn the United States of America into a fascist hellhole and we’re all reminded of the horrors that will surely face us if we don’t vote Hillary!/Obama in ‘08.

14 Responses to “It Didn’t Work In 1944 Either”
  1. Deathknyte Comment by Deathknyte

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Comment.

    Happy?

  2. Sir Christopher Comment by Sir Christopher

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    There’s no Thyme!

  3. LC HOGHEAD Comment by LC HOGHEAD

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    “He was involved in the murder of a former President, a plot to release nerve gas in the United States and responsible for hundreds of deaths, and he’s under HOUSE ARREST?”, Jack asks.

    “A bit harsh, I know, but he’d used rubber checks to pay for his cable TV as well, so there was no way the government could give him a Sandy Berger deal.”

    ROFLMAOPIMP………….I nominate this for POST OF THE YEAR !!!

  4. Unregistered Comment by Cheryl

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    It’s the comedic brilliance, my Liege. What can one say after reading?

    I am still amazed that Morris AKA Al Bundy was able to regain his composure (and dignity) after being interrupted during said #2 by Chloe, clean up, pull up trou, and then spill out the remains of his Scotch. Seems like he’d need a Scotch after being so rudely interrupted by an ex-wife.

  5. Balderdash Comment by Balderdash

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Jack takes a deep breath, wondering if some sort of switch happened at the hospital when Allstate Jr was born or if his mother just raised the placenta and threw the baby out by mistake.

    That’s priceless.

    The Moveon.org writing seems to be especially bad this season. I actually switched over to basketball after about 20 min. knowing that the Imperial recap would be more entertaining.

    Enough of Allstate Obama Jr.

  6. sig94 Comment by sig94

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Chloe immediately goes off in search of Al, ending up in the mens’ room where Al is having a #2.

    Al punched into turd afterburner and shot off the throne like a Trident II D-5 outta a SSBN. Glad to see he’s getting enough fiber with the booze.

  7. jaybear Comment by jaybear

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Hey, I got a technical question here….

    Since this weeks show took place between 4:00 and 5:00 in the afternoon….wouldn’t the time counter start with a time like this?:

    16:00:00

    Using the 24 hour clock?

    it didn’t, the time counter started at:

    04:00:00

    Which if I read my time counter right, would place the time at 4 a.m…..

    Am I just getting too anal about this? if so….then you can call me Al.

  8. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Thank you, Misha, for making one of the most boring episodes of “24″ ever actually entertaining. I literally almost dozed off while watching it…and that was even while participating in the liveblog of the episode over at Dave Barry’s Blog.

    (Apropos of nothing: If CTU wants to see how to run an effective perimeter, they ought to check out the infernal spambot guarding Dave Barry’s comment section. NOTHING can get past without being promptly challenged…)

    Tune in next week when President Allstate Jr, hurt but still alive, watches helplessly as the fascist Vice President and his Right Wing Deathbeasts turn the United States of America into a fascist hellhole and we’re all reminded of the horrors that will surely face us if we don’t vote Hillary!/Obama in ‘08.

    I thought Hillary/Obama was the “fascist hellhole” ticket. My bad. As far as this season’s plotline goes…I’m beginning to really miss Kim and the cougar…

  9. Trooper THX1138 Comment by Trooper THX1138

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Bashir: He’s alive, but he’s badly burned. I’ll need to get him to the infirmary/sickbay so I can put him in stasis.

  10. Unregistered Comment by TC

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Iffin yer gonna do thie every week, I can watch the ball game instead!

    I’m like totally new to this 24 crap and though enjoying it can handle getting it via your advanced scripting. (must be advanced to you as that is like way too much text to be able to be regurgitated without prior notice.) I could be wrong.

    But all in all, it’s just TV right?!

  11. Unregistered Comment by tbone1

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    You are on my list of must read 24 blogs. You are the wind beneath my wings.
    Seriously, does anyone else think this was the worst episode ever?

  12. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    You are on my list of must read 24 blogs. You are the wind beneath my wings.
    Seriously, does anyone else think this was the worst episode ever?

    Thanks!

    And yes, I’m right there with you.

    I had to eat half a bowl of mushrooms and toke down three joints in quick succession to get even close to making this week’s recap interesting.

  13. Unregistered Comment by tradewind

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    This one WAS a yawner, but next week we get the fabulous ex-First Weaselette AND Red Foreman back on deck. What a neener-neener-neener fest that oughta be, as they make out in front of Weasel with impunity…his ankle bracelet just adds to their excitement.
    Seriously, I bet Joel Surnow feels more ideologically isolated on that set than Dennis Miller at a reunion of the Comedy Store.

  14. Unregistered Comment by tradewind

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    ..And oh Emporer M…. ever thought about taking a run at Prison Break? There’s a bitchy blond fifty-something female president with a foul mouth who has people around her droppin’ like flies as her handlers try to protect a conspiracy at the Highest Levels.

    Not that anything like that could ever happen HERE….