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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Shootout at the Markov Corral
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Strap in as the Grim Reaper finally makes a re-appearance on the show, along with enough plot holes to drive a Chinese container ship through.

It’s… The Bauer Hour of Power!:

President Weasel arrives at CTU. Obviously, the staff at CTU are prone to carrying petty grudges, because they greet the former statesman who had more than half of them nerve gassed with stares that can’t be considered in any way friendly. Such simplisme behavior. After all, he’s already paying for what he did by being confined to the Hugh Hefner Mansion Arrest, isn’t he? It’s not like he’s been given a fine, a few hours of community service and had his library card temporarily revoked.

He’s taken to a holding cell, where Chloe has to go “do something with the computer”, although it’s quite obvious that what she’d really like to do with the computer would be to shove it up President Weasel’s Khyber Pass… Sideways. Poor Edgar, will she ever get over him? The happy times at the donut vending machine, trying to find a chair in storage that would hold his considerable weight… Such agony.

Rather than doing what she ought to, she tells President Weasel that she’s “feeling ambivalent” and leaves, which, in Chloe-speak, means “if it weren’t for me not wanting to create a hostile work environment, this laptop would currently be stuck in your intestine, right next to your pancreas.”

Upstairs, Bill is telling everybody about his plan to storm the Russian consulate and introducing them to a guy that has been brought in from the outside to lead the charge, Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Milo the Affirmative Hire, whose arm is still in a sling from his having managed to get himself hit while missing every target within 5 feet of himself, isn’t thrilled about this whole rescuing Jack thing, worrying endlessly about storming the consulate of a foreign nation. After all, Russia might declare war, and then where’d everybody be?

Little Lord Fauntleroy assures him that it’s not about Jack, it’s about getting Anatoly Markov.

“But what about this being an act of war…”, Milo tries.

“We already got you the first time”, Little Lord Fauntleroy replies, and we don’t really care. “Now, why don’t you run off to the shooting range and hone your skills a bit? I’ll make sure to alert everybody already there to stand right next to the targets. That way, there’s no conceivable way they can get hurt.”

Bill tries to smooth the waters a bit by pointing out that, technically speaking, the possibility of a few diplomatic notes of concern, no matter how sternly worded, doesn’t strike him as near as important as the certainty of three nukes going off inside the U.S. if they don’t do something, and pretty damn quick too.

Milo tries desperately to wrap his brain around this, thinks better of it and goes back to playing with his toes for a while, then jumps up again and starts whining about Little Lord Fauntleroy being a jerk when he, as head of ops, starts giving orders.

“That’s not how we do things around here, you insenthitive bathtard!”, he lisps.

“Obviously it isn’t, or this season would’ve been over 10 episodes ago, but that’s how I do things”, Little Lord Fauntleroy replies, “and if you don’t stop pestering me, I’ll give you a wedgie ten times worse than the ones I used to give you in the Denver office!”

Token Arab Mole Chick waits for Little Lord Fauntleroy to leave, then asks Milo what that was all about.

“I don’t like him very much, he’s so mean“, Milo sobs.

“But does he know what he’s doing?”

“Heck yeah. He’s extremely good at what he does, which is another reason I don’t like him very much. He makes me feel so… inadequate”, Milo sniffles, then runs off to buy some chocolate from the vending machine.

At the consulate, Vasili the Chief Goon dumps Jack on the body of the guard that he shot in the back of the head last week, then calls Markov to tell him that he’s now going to shoot Jack and blame the guard’s death on him. Of course, Markov already knows this since he was the one who told him to do it, but the writers felt that it was necessary to spell it out for the audience. Also, they need to give Jack some time to pull off the dead guard’s belt which he, amazingly, accomplishes by pulling it the wrong way through the belt loops. Is there anything that Jack can’t do?

Of course there isn’t.

As Vasili aims his gun at Jack, Jack goes all Indiana Jones on him, using the belt as a whip. The gun flies through the air, Jack jumps, rolls, flies through the air and catches it with his teeth, then turns to Vasili, who decides to pull a knife. Well, we all know what happens when you bring a knife to a gun fight, don’t we?

Markov, who’s been watching on CCTV, tells the guards to go catch Jack, then orders them to cut off all outside communications in order to stop Jack from telling anybody about the Mojave Desert and Shadow Valley.

Meanwhile, Jack finds a wall phone and decides to call CTU, only to be cut off right after telling Al Bundy that he knows where Gredenko is. Of course, he could have grabbed poor Vasili’s cell phone, the one he’d been talking to Markov on, and used it instead, but what would be the fun in that?.

At CTU, Bill tells everybody that since Jack knows where Gredenko is, he is now indispensable, so no funny business about getting him whacked if they decide to storm the consulate. He then goes to tell President Weasel that their chat has been postponed due to recent developments. President Weasel immediately knows what’s up, the fact that he knows that Jack went back to the consulate may have been his first clue, and tells Buchanan that storming the consulate is a really bad idea, since Markov will kill himself rather than speak anyway.

“So what do you suggest, oh traitor boy?”, Bill asks.

“Well, if you could get my ex-wife to call President Subaru’s wife Anya, I’m sure that she can get President Subaru to order Markov to surrender himself.”

“Your very certifiable ex-wife who is now locked up in an asylum?”, Bill asks.

“Er, well… Yes. But she’s got a heart of gold!”

“And Markov, whom you’ve just assured me would rather die than talk to us, will then meekly surrender himself to us for interrogation?”

“Quit using logic! It frightens and confuses me as well as the writers of this show and, besides, that line wasn’t even in the script!”

“Oh why the Hell not. It doesn’t make a lick of sense, so the writers are going to force me to agree with you anyway”, Bill says. He further agrees to let President Weasel talk to Mad Martha in person, as if the poor woman hasn’t suffered enough already.

Outside, Little Lord Fauntleroy is showing everybody who’s alpha male now by trying to Force Choke Al Bundy, making a very bad impersonation of R. Lee Ermey and… Thankfully, everybody agrees to let him be the boss before he gets done unzipping his pants.

At the White House Bunker, Spineless Toad is led back to talk to Vice President Evil Neocon. The prospect of the dismissal of all charges along with the chance to implement his concentration camp plans seem to have made him forget all about his objections to framing Assad for the assassination attempt. Always looking out for #1, our friend Spineless Toad. However, he does insist that Bomb Dude and Reed face the consequences of their actions.

“Ah, but of course they will. We’re already looking for a few 20,000 acres of luxury estates where we can place them in ‘house arrest.’ We’ll deal with them later, but right now we have these nukes to deal with, and it wouldn’t be all that helpful if all of our critics were running around screaming ‘look at how bad the U.S. is, we’re worse than the terrorists! If I can’t talk to known terrorists in Afghanistan without the government listening in, then the terrorists have already won! No blood for oil!’”

Obviously VP Neocon hasn’t been reading any newspapers since 9/11, because that’s pretty much all they’ve been doing on a daily basis. No terrorist so vile, no act of terrorism so despicable that they won’t blissfully ignore it in favor of their objectively pro-al-Qaeda agenda.

“Oh, and I need you to tell Ambassador Raghead that you personally saw Assad plant the bomb and detonate it. Hope you don’t have a problem with that”, VP Neocon adds.

“But, but, that would be LYING!”, Spineless Toad protests.

“Or ‘politics’, as it’s also known. Here, look it up”, VP Neocon replies and hands Spineless Toad a copy of Roget’s thesaurus. Now get with the program, boy. Spineless Toad caves.

In the Mojave Desert, Fayed arrives with the nukes.

Meanwhile, Bill is talking to VP Neocon, explaining the situation about Jack, the consulate, the planned attack on it and President Weasel’s hare-brained plot to use Mad Martha.

After a good hearty laugh, VP Neocon tells Bill to go right ahead with his plans, but by all means pretend that President Weasel’s idea is going to work. Then, when it fails, storm the damn consulate.

Elsewhere, we once again get to meet our hero from last season, Aaron the SS Agent, who is bringing a bag of groceries to Mad Martha’s rubber cell, where she lives with all of her cats, painting the walls with feces and listening to NPR all day. While Mad Martha is busy unpacking the fresh fruit that Aaron brought, the show puts out a Needless Romantic Interlude Advisory but, thankfully, the phone rings before any real schmaltz can ensue. Aaron picks it up.

It is, of course, President Weasel, demanding to speak to Mad Martha. Rather than hanging up, Aaron tells Mad Martha who it is and that he wants to speak to her. For some reason, she’s not all that eager to talk to a megalomaniacal psychopath who tried to have her killed last season, but when President Weasel tells Aaron to mention the Subarus, she picks up the phone.

“You tried to have them killed AGAIN, you sick bastard?”

“Er, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. No, they’re fine, but I need your help getting them to do something for our nation.”

Mad Martha doesn’t believe him, strangely enough, considering his track record of absolute truthfulness, so President Weasel leaves it to Aaron to convince her while he rides over there in a chopper.

Back at the consulate, Jack is still rummaging around in the basement trying to find a phone while not getting himself killed by the approximately 300 AK-47-armed guards looking for him. He comes across a room where a Russian embassy worker is making out with a member of the secretary pool.

“Sorry to interrupt this charming and affectionate spectacle, but if you don’t cooperate, I’ll kill you both”, he says as he bursts into the room, gun at the ready, “now, if you’d kindly help me get in touch with my friends outside the consulate, preferably by giving me a satellite phone.”

“I’ve got this brand new Motorola Razr right here”, the Russian answers, helpfully pulling out his cell phone.

“I don’t think you heard me correctly. That would be too easy, and we still need a dramatic shootout between me and the guards in this episode.”

“Well, I DO have a satellite phone upstairs that I could go get. Of course, that would take quite a while, virtually guaranteeing that the guards find you at the last moment, just as you’re handing off the information to your friends which, again, will lead to an inevitable shootout.”

“Perfect!”, Jack says and sends the Russian on his way, keeping his girlfriend as a hostage. “Don’t be scared. You’ll be fine”, Jack reassures her, which for some reason fails to have the intended effect. Obviously she’s been watching past seasons of the show.

President Weasel arrives at the loony bin, where Aaron informs him that he’s persuaded Mad Martha to see him. As they walk inside, they learn that she’s un-persuaded herself and locked herself in the bedroom. Then she re-persuades herself and comes out anyway. With a bit of luck, she’ll manage to stay persuaded at least for a few minutes this time.

After the obligatory mutual unpleasantries, President Weasel tells her what’s going on with Markov, the nukes and the season ending of Days of Our Lives. After a remarkably tedious amount of back and forth and with a bit of help from Aaron who’d like for the damn scene to get over with already (so say we all!), she finally agrees to talk to Anya Subaru.

At the Bunker, Ambassador Raghead is being led in to speak to VP Neocon.

“Once again, I’d like to express my cond…”, he begins. Do they have some sort of automated recording that is set to go off every time they see a member of the Executive Branch? VP Neocon interrupts him:

“Oh, I’m sure of it. The citizens of your country dancing in the streets for hours surely looked hurt, sympathetic and full of grief to me. And that’s not counting the expression of deep regret on the face of your citizen, Assad’s face when he set off the bomb in the conference room, almost killing the President.”

“But that is preposterous!”, Ambassador Raghead protests.

“Is it, Tom?”, VP Neocon says, nudging Spineless Toad with his elbow, “didn’t you see Assad pushing the button on the detonator while screaming ‘Allah-u Akbar!’?”

“Er… Oh yes, Sir, I most certainly did.”

“But, Assad was not working for my government! He was as much a wanted man in our country as he was in yours!”, Ambassador Raghead protests again.

“Oh sure. That’s why he managed to operate with impunity for so many years. It’s also how his fellow countryman, Fayed, managed to operate for years, all the while being hunted like a dog by your government. When you weren’t busy funding them under the table and looking the other way, that is.”

“But we are your eternal frie…”

“Remind me of that one day when I might give a shit”, VP Neocon interrupts, “because right now I’ve just about had it with your guarantees of eternal friendship while you sit on your prayer rugs giggling at the gullible infidels. It’s all fun and games until somebody gets a city blown up. Which gave me an idea. If another bomb goes off in this country, then guess who I’m going to hold responsible?”

“But we had an understanding with President Allstate!”

“I’ll be sure to remind him of that when he wakes up from his coma. Of course, given that we have a carrier strike group within striking distance of every city of your country, and assuming that you guys continue to sit on your hands and do nothing about catching those terrorists until a second, third or fourth nuke goes off, there probably won’t be much of a country left for you to represent, if you get my drift…”

The ambassador, judging by the looks on his face, gets it quite well.

Chloe is trying to get through to Anya Subaru on the phone, but apparently there’s a very important meeting in the Omsk Knitting Society, so the rest of the world is just going to have to wait. Besides, there are still about fifteen minutes left of this episode, and we all know that everything has to happen in the last three.

At the nuthouse, Mad Martha is getting increasingly agitated, walking in circles and muttering to herself, telling the voices in her head to leave her alone. She goes to the kitchen and starts chopping up fruit with a rather sharp knife, then returns to the living room table while shouting at President Weasel, calling him all of the names she can think of.

Aaron the Terminator tells President Weasel that if he’d feel more comfortable waiting outside, it’d be OK. As always, Aaron’s advice is more than excellent and, equally predictable, President Weasel refuses to take it, which is how he ends up with a fruit knife sticking out of his shoulder and, unfortunately for him, buried in his clavicular artery. What’s even more unfortunate from his point of view is that he doesn’t have the sense to leave it in there.

“Look what you’ve done!”, Aaron shouts, “you’ve ruined the couch!”

“Why are they doing this to me?”, Mad Martha says after the agents slap handcuffs on her, “he’s a mass murderer! Somebody should give me a medal instead!”

All of us watching agree completely. Of course, that’s not how justice works. If you’re a mass murdering President responsible for assassinations and nerve gas attacks on malls, you get the Hugh Hefner mansion and an immunity deal. If you’re the one who helped stop him, you get a one-way ticket to the looney bin.

“I know, honey”, Aaron says, “but are you still capable of making the call to Anya?”

“Of course I am”, Mad Martha says, blood spattered all over her face, “it’s not like I’m crazy or anything.” She picks up the phone.

“Anya, how are you?”

“I’m fine, but I’ve been worried about you.”

“Oh, you darlin’ you, nothing to worry about. Just got done stabbing Charles in the neck, you know how exes get, and the city I’m in just got nuked, but other than that I’m great. Say, could you do me a favor, dearie?”

“Sure. Martha. What is it?”

“Nothing big, really, it’s just that this consul of yours, Markov I believe it is, is behind all of this thermonuclear unpleasantness, and our people would like to talk to him a bit. So could you please tell Yuri to tell him to give up his diplomatic immunity and hand himself over for interrogation? Oh, and that divine recipe for blinis you gave me? Could you send it to me again? I seem to have misplaced it.”

Back at the consulate, Little Lord Fauntleroy is getting his team ready to attack. Inside, Markov is on the phone with President Subaru, who has been convinced by his wife at some point during the last five seconds (those Russian girls work fast) to order Markov to hand himself over.

Of course, as we all know, that ain’t gonna happen, and Markov hangs up after having told President Subaru just that. President Subaru then calls Bill Buchanan and authorizes the assault.

In the basement of the consulate, the Russian guy returns with the sat phone and Jack dials CTU. Of course, this happens to be the exact moment that the guards finally finds Jack and burst into the room, shooting at everything that moves. Outside, Little Lord Fauntleroy launches his attack at the same time, and the Russian guards do their best Imperial Stormtrooper impersonation, missing everybody while being cut down in a matter of seconds. No wonder those guys got their asses kicked in Afghanistan.

Just as Jack runs out of ammo and gets ready to attack the remaining guards with his teeth, Lord Fauntleroy’s team breaks through to the basement and helpfully guns down the hapless Russians. Upstairs, Markov is on the phone with Gredenko, telling him that the gig is up and it’s time to launch the nuke-armed drones.

“Didn’t I already tell you that it would be another hour or two until we could do that?”, Gredenko protests, pointing out page 345 in the script to Markov where he clearly stated just that.

“Shut up! This latest plot development means that you’ll have to do it anyway, logic be damned!”

He then gets shot, very satisfyingly, by two members of the TAC team bursting through the door.

Jack meets up with Little Lord Fauntleroy, telling him that Gredenko is in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, pretending to be the leanest, meanest son-of-a-bitch in the Valley.

Which indeed he is, along with Fayed who informs us that the first drone is armed and ready to launch. MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Or something.

Elsewhere, President Weasel flatlines in the ambulance, and he doesn’t even get to see his whole life pass before his eyes first.

Hundreds of thousands of viewers all across the nation erupt in cheers and catcalls.

Join us next week as Fayed launches his model airplane and we find out if President Weasel at least has the decency to stay dead.

7 Responses to “Shootout at the Markov Corral”
  1. Unregistered Comment by Chairborne Ranger

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Weasel finally gets what’s coming to him! I just wish Martha had the cigar cutter from last week too.

  2. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Upstairs, Bill is telling everybody about his plan to storm the Russian consulate and introducing them to a guy that has been brought in from the outside to lead the charge, Little Lord Fauntleroy.

    …With the addition of Ricky Schroeder to the cast…

    …and badly miscast as a badass counterterror operative at that…

    …somewhere in America a helpless bird is gagging tonight on the maggots that choked to death last week as they tried to digest the last decomposing remnants of our suspended disbelief.

  3. LC HOGHEAD Comment by LC HOGHEAD

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Im seriously disgusted at the shows cave in to moveon.org by casting the russians, not the Islamofascists as the enemy .

  4. Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur Comment by Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    There was just something not quite believable about lil’ ricky grabbing Morris by the throat and trying to be menacing. I’m glad no one watched with me, as I couldn’t supress the giggle inspired by that image.

  5. Unregistered Comment by TGregg

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I was so happy to see Milquetoast flatline in the ambulance! Man, I cannot stand that character. One I saw an interview with the actor that played Frank Burns on MASH. He was a lot like the character, a whiny little #@&^.

    I can’t help but wonder if the actor who plays Logan really has all those ultra-annoying mannerisms. If so, then all his coworkers are serverly underpaid.

  6. Iacobus Comment by Iacobus

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    I don’t know what it is with 24; I just don’t like it.

    I tried to get into this show after all the conservative accolades, but seems I got into it a little too late, especially after CAIR dug thier grimy claws in.

    Seriously, you know we’re fucked when a form of entertainment has to kowtow to certain groups. (Unless, of course, those groups are Christian—in which case it’s just A-OK to offend them incessantly.)

    Even worse is the fact they actually caved in and did some “Islam is so extra-special friendly!!11!” video. I would have given them the finger instead, but that’s just me. I live to piss off groups like CAIR.

  7. Unregistered Comment by TGregg

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Be cautious about judging it based on this season, which is the worst of the 3 I’ve watched so far.

    I started watching as season 3 (I think it was) started. That was great and so was the next one. This one showed a lot of promise at the begining, but it’s not doing so well now IMO.