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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » And the Band Droned On…
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Hell and damnations, it’s Tuesday again, so it must be Jack Bauer time!

Let us launch into another of our “creative rewrites” of 24, hidden below the fold in case you just can’t be bothered. Feel free to comment upon my comedic genius in the comments. Or not, as the case might be…

As Little Lord Fauntleroy’s team is cleaning up the mess that used to be the Russian consulate, transferring pr0n to their thumb drives as fast as they possibly can, Jack is being told to go back to Nurse Ratchet in Medical for a lollipop and a sticker. Jack is not impressed much by mention of floating rib fragments, mainly because nobody mentioned BBQ sauce, so he angrily brushes off Little Lord Fauntleroy with a brusque “I’m fine!” Nevertheless, OSHA regulations will not be denied, impending threat of nuclear attack or not, so he’s rushed off in an ambulance, cursing like a sailor all the way.

Meanwhile, Bill Buchanan is informing VP Neocon about the state of the investigation and the nature of the model airplanes that Gredenko and Yul al-Brynner are going to destroy the United States with. “It can be remotely piloted from anywhere in the word”, Bill says, which, of course, we all know that it won’t be. That would make too much sense from the terrorists’ point of view. Instead, it’ll most likely be piloted from the mens’ room at CTU.

In the desert, Gredenko is ordering everybody to get their asses in gear and get ready to hightail it out of there. al-Brynner is not too thrilled and he’s still high from all of the airplane glue, so he starts yelling at Gredenko, complaining about Markov betraying them all. Gredenko wants to know what the Hell his problem is and why it matter who betrayed whom, since the situation is the same: If they don’t get the Hell out of Dodge, they’ll be carpet bombed within minutes. Not to mention that this year’s season will suddenly have to end, which will make FOX very unhappy.

“That’s not it!”, yells al-Brynner, “I just wanted to point fingers and blame you for a change, you condescending Russian infidel! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!”

“Are you done now?”, Gredenko asks, then orders the one ready drone to be launched.

Gredenko calls his remote pilot henchman and tells him to get ready to play some Wing Commander on his sweet gaming rig. GameBoy reluctantly shuts down World of Warcraft and starts up the remote software, which looks a lot like the Commodore 64 version of Elite, only with less impressive graphics. But he’s got a pretty hot looking joystick, HOTAS and all. Which is somewhat retarded, since he’ll only need the stick and the throttle control, but as long as he had fun mapping all of the other 32 buttons that he’ll never need, we suppose it’s alright… But we digress…

He launches the drone, which drones off in the distance.

At CTU, Milo the Frat Boy is asking Token Arab Chick Mole whether she’s OK which, in Milo-speak, means “once this is all done, I’d like to ride you like a camel all night long.” Then, just as Milo is getting to first base (which to somebody of Milo’s dubious looks and charms means ‘groping a hand’) Chloe comes along with her patented “I’m feeling ambivalent” expression plastered all over her face (with subtitles for the hard of hearing), telling them that there’s a slight problem.

“What is it?”, Token Arab Chick asks.

“Oh, it’s just that you’ve been accessing the system all day with Milo’s access code which, among other things, is a felony.”

“If you report us, all it’ll do is to prevent me from helping out with the problem at hand”, Milo whimpers, not specifying just what sort of ‘help’ he has in mind, seeing as how he hasn’t been of any up until now.

Chloe helpfully explains that if she was in the mood for snitching, they’d both be in Holding under the tender ministrations of Dr Feelgood and his blabber juice, she just wishes that they’d be a bit more discreet about it. The rest of us would too, and we’re not talking about the security violations here.

Morris has picked up a visual of the drone on his satellite images and everybody’s going “YAY US!”, which can only mean that something is about to go wrong. Which, of course, it does. The drone suddenly disappears from the screen and now nobody knows where it is or where it’s headed. Which sucks, since it’s too small for radar, and it’s a bit hard for F-16 pilots to pick up a visual on a tiny drone in the middle of the night, particularly when they don’t know where they should be looking.

Funny, though, for some reason nobody thinks about the fact that the drone is jet-powered, which ought to put out a pretty decent IR signature, particularly at night, but obviously the MoveOn.org writers forgot about that, so we won’t belabor the point any further. In case nobody’s getting the true nature of the crisis, the writers stick in a scene between Gredenko and GameBoy where GameBoy informs Gredenko of the fact that they’ve hacked into CTU’s tracking system and are blocking the trace. Not that Gredenko doesn’t already know this, but the viewers don’t, so the scene had to be there.

We’re beginning to wonder if it would be easier for FOX to just run a ticker at the bottom of the screen informing us of all of this, rather than boring the snot out of us with all of this obvious exposition. Then again that would cut the season down to about 35 minutes…

Spineless Toad is informing VP Neocon that CTU has misplaced the drone and that they can’t find it. VP Neocon wants to know, reasonably enough, how it is that a satellite system capable of reading the numbers off of license plates can’t find a drone the size of a Prius, and Toad, unable to come clean and admit that it’s because the writers are idiots, tells him that he doesn’t know.

VP Neocon tells the Joint Chiefs to assemble. It’s time to nuke some ragheads. Toad Boy, who has suddenly turned into Frau Blucher in her absence, protests that al-Brynner’s home country can’t be proven responsible while the rest of us wonder if he honestly believes that any country would leave a note after a nuclear terrorist attack saying “ha! We did it!”.

“I won’t let another attack go unanswered”, VP Neocon says, making us wonder if he’d be willing to run in ‘08.

At CTU, Chloe is playing “guess the target” and narrows it down to San Francisco, Las Vegas and Phoenix. What the fuck did PHOENIX ever do to deserve this?

Jack arrives and Bill tells him that Nurse Ratchet is waiting for him. On his way there, Jack runs into Marilyn and a needless human interest filler scene ensues. Just as we’re about to gag, Jack brings up the subject of St Audrey of the Sacred Proboscis, and Marilyn informs him that she’s not quite alive anymore. Apparently she had a ‘car accident’ in China. Something about her nose getting stuck in the steering wheel. Jack rushes off and starts yelling at Chloe, wanting to know why nobody told him.

Chloe points out, reasonably, that they didn’t want to tell him since they were only bringing him back to let al-Brynner kill him anyways, so why add insult to injury by letting him know that his love interest had snuffed it? Apparently, St Audrey of the Enormous Schnoz was trying to get him out of Chinese prison when she died.

At the White House Bunker, VP Neocon’s assistant Blondie tells him that Frau Blucher is on her way back, now that there’s a new guy in the White House to scream at. The rest of us are wondering why Toad Boy’s blackmail scheme that scared her off in the first place isn’t all that scary anymore. Not to mention that Toad Boy now sounds like her long lost brother, so why bother in the first place? Obviously CAIR told FOX that there’d better be more “Muslims are our greatest assets that will save the nation” advocates on the show, or there’d be trouble.

The Joint Chiefs assemble, and VP Neocon informs them all that there’s about to be a big explosion in the sandbox, also known as al-Brynner’s home country. The Secretary of Never Using the Military Under Any Circumstances Defense protests that terrorists are stateless, and VP Neocon points out that those “stateless” terrorists, both al-Brynner and the deceased Assad, have been operating and training in Ambassador Raghead’s country since time immemorial with not as much as a disorderly conduct ticket to show for it which, in times long past, before the rise of the Democrat Appeasement Party, was called “aiding and abetting.” VP Neocon intends to reinstate those terms and do so by firing a nuclear warning shot at a remote, unpopulated area, just to let them know that Uncle Sam once again means business.

This, of course, is Frau Blucher’s cue to pick up the script hat Ibrahim Hooper ‘helped’ FOX write, and she promptly launches into a tirade about how our ‘eternal friends’ in al-Brynnerstan are ‘doing the best that they can’, but they just can’t seem to control those evil hoodlums, no matter how many times they’ve politely ask them to stop using their country as a home base and spending the funding that the government provides them with on nothing but carousel rides and cotton candy.

VP Neocon suggests that maybe they’re not trying all that hard and that perhaps a second sunrise might just motivate them to suddenly start being more creative in their thinking. In other words, he’s proposing that we let terrorist-supporting governments know that we don’t keep those missiles around just because they look pretty and that ‘deterrent’ actually means what Webster’s says that it means.

Frau Blucher, undeterred, proceeds to argue that such a thing would only make the ‘moderates’ lose power, failing, as the likes of her are wont to do, to explain what the big hairy difference is between radicals who openly admit to hating us and ‘moderates’ who sit on their hands while training and funding terrorists who’ll do their dirty business for them. Presumably knowing that her argument isn’t one, she throws the Russians and the Chinese into the mix, suggesting that they’ll be willing to start global mutual assured destruction over a bunch of roasted camels and a tent.

How VP Neocon manages to keep from having her dragged off to a padded cell we don’t know. Well, other than the fact that the criminally insane are a protected species on the new and PC ‘improved’ version of 24. Instead, he informs her that he IS still the acting Commander-in-Chief.

Damn, if he were to run in ‘08, I’d vote for him so many times that Chicago, by comparison to Texas, would be considered the very model of regular voting procedures for centuries to come.

But we all know that VP Neocon, for the crime of being the first person on the show to show any actual sense and capacity for logical thought, will be dragged off in a strait jacket before the season is over as the hateful, warmongering, insane person that CAIR says that he is. While the Muslims work with the government to save us all from destruction, of course.

If only reality were half as filled with unicorns dancing in lush meadows as the fantasy world that FOX/CAIR have created.

At CTU, Milo is still bitter that Chloe interrupted him while he was making his inept moves on Token Arab Chick, and tells her that Al Bundy looks drunk. Probably because he’s the only one at CTU who seems to know what he’s doing, which is an automatic red flag. Not to mention that it makes Milo look like an affirmative hire, which is what he is.

Chloe has enough of the innuendo and goes to check Al Bundy’s breath by landing a round of tonsil hockey on him, telling him what she was asked to do, then walking calmly back to Milo and letting him know the results. DAMN, but we love that girl!

At the White House Bunker, Frau Blucher is trying to recruit Toad Boy for her crusade against common sense. Toad Boy, for all his faults, informs her that he serves at the pleasure of the President.

“But the President, President Allstate Jr, would NEVER…”, Frau Blucher counters, appealing to authority but, sadly, chooses an authority that isn’t much of one.

“In case you haven’t noticed, Allstate Jr is currently in a coma and, as a result, what you THINK that he would do is about as relevant as an editorial in the New York Times. Not to mention that your Wonder Boy’s policies haven’t done squat to help so far, or perhaps you’ve forgotten about the nuclear drone headed for places unknown right now?”

“But you have to BELIEVE”, she yells, giving us a perfect vision of what fighting a war under the direction of the Easter Bunny would be like.

At CTU, Chloe has figured out that somebody is listening in on them, sending the drone through areas where they aren’t looking. Hey! A MOLE AT CTU!? Who would’ve THUNK? About time too. They haven’t recycled THAT particular plot point yet. Now all they have to do is to figure out what workstation is being used to relay the information to the terrorists.

Little Lord Fauntleroy suggests that they run a signature check on Token Arab Chick’s computer, which upsets Milo really bad, since it might lead to somebody finding all of the “roses are red, violets are blue” emails he’s been sending to her. Also, he calls Little Lord Fauntleroy a ‘racist’ for even suggesting it, which only proves that Milo gets all of his news from the Daily Kotz and that he still hasn’t figured out the difference between “race” and “religion.”

It also assures us all that Token Arab Chick will be found completely innocent before the end of the season, because we can’t have a member of the Religion of Peace acting as a mole, now can we? We all know that American Muslims are the Last, Best Hope of Humanity and that we shall all surely perish if we as much as question their patriotism. Expatriate Serbs, Russian nationalists, skinheads, Colombian drug lords, Presbyterian Swedes, all of THOSE can be terrorists and traitors, but don’t ever, EVER suggest that a Muslim could be one too.

While Milo is busy reciting the Gospel According to CAIR, Chloe thankfully interrupts by telling us that the signatures match. Token Arab Chick’s computer IS the one leaking the data.

So now we REALLY know that she’s innocent. Either that, or we’ll have to sit through another 20-minute FOX sermon from Kiefer Sutherland about the Religion of Peace mandated by CAIR.

“Can we shut down her station”, Bill asks.

“No”, Chloe answers, “that would be too easy, so FOX installed some weird sort of algorithm in our system that prevents us from doing so without shutting down the entire system for 20 minutes, which also, coincidentally, is a little bit more than we have before the drone hits its target.”

Insert appropriate remark about suspension of disbelief, hack writers, obvious plots and how much you need a drink here.

Instead, Token Arab Chick is dragged off to Holding while Milo is watching, wearing a facial expression and a large yellow sign saying “I’M THE REAL MOLE.” Hey, he sort of LOOKS like a Bosnian Serb Separatist (not a Protected Minority™), doesn’t he?

In another brilliant bit of exposition, we’re treated to a phone call between GameBoy and Gredenko, letting us know that the drone will detonate in San Francisco within 20 minutes or, as they say in the TV business, “just before tonight’s episode is over.”

At the White House Bunker Frau Blucher, desperate to avert any meaningful U.S. response, is visiting the vegetable garden, trying to to convince the doctors to bring President Allstate Jr back from his medically induced coma so that he can rescind the VP’s order. Never mind that the cerebral swelling will cause Allstate Jr to turn into a stalk of broccoli shortly thereafter (not that anybody would notice), she’s on a MISSION, gods dammit, and her ego will not be denied!

The doctor, not being criminally insane, informs her that she IS and that, at any rate, he’d need the consent of his most immediate family to proceed with such an idiotic plan. His most immediate family being, of course, Cynthia McAllstate. Too bad, Mr President, you’re fucked.

At CTU, Little Lord Fauntleroy is busy interrogating Token Arab Chick, using methods that make us wish that Jack would croak and let him take over. It’s just like the old days before Jack went PC. Unfortunately, before he can make her spill the beans that we all know that she doesn’t have because somehow implicating a Muslim in a Muslim plot perpetrated by Muslims to conduct a nuclear attack on the U.S. in the name of Islam would make CAIR furious, Al Bundy manages to backtrace the feed to GameBoy.

Who is, of course, piloting the drone that “can be remotely piloted from anywhere in the world” from a building within walking distance of CTU. Why set it up in Afghanistan or Waziristan when you can make sure that the CTU agents will have a fighting chance of stopping you before tonight’s episode is over? That would make too much SENSE!

Milo runs to Holding and rescues Token Arab Chick from Little Lord Fauntleroy by telling him that he’s got some killing to do next door.

CTU sets up a fresh team of red shirts and go off to kill some Russian terrorists, the most clear and present danger to mankind. Who knows, Putin was probably behind 9/11 when it comes down to it. Jack, afraid that he’s not going to get any airtime on this episode, tells Nurse Ratchet to shove her lollipops and goes off with Little Lord Fauntleroy, but not before he’s done telling Bill that he’s going to finish the job in honor of St Audrey of the Sacred Trunk and then, THEN he’s going to Beijing, he’s going to Guangdong, he’s going to Hunan, he’s going to Sichuan, to AVENGE HER DEATH! YEEEARGGGHHHHH!

Great, at least now we know what next season’s going to be like. Not to mention that it’s going to be a whole lot more fun to watch, seeing as how the Chinese aren’t an Officially Protected Minority™. Yet.

And off they go, after we, the audience, have been told that the bomb will detonate automatically whenever it gets within a certain perimeter. It doesn’t explain why GameBoy has his right index finger hovering ominously over the trigger of his Saitek joystick since he won’t need it, but we kicked out disbelief out the door several weeks ago.

Jack and Little Lord Fauntleroy storm the building and kill everybody except for GameBoy, who manages to dive behind his gaming rig, only to get hit again and lose consciousness, right before he manages to fail pulling the pin out of a hand grenade. Yes, we know, those things are awfully hard to pull. Not even a caveman could do it. Besides, that would have left the drone on course and we would’ve missed the great scene where Jack uses his supernatural skills to figure out the controls and the fact that the drone is detonated by proximity, all in the blink of an eye.

After the obligatory “I’m not gonna make it!”, he manages to make it anyway and crash land the drone on a pier in Frisco, where it starts burning.

The Fire Dept is alerted and arrive on the scene, only to retreat in horror when they find out, courtesy of a Geiger counter that apparently is now standard issue with Fire Depts everywhere, that the target is radioactive. They retreat in horror, leaving the drone to spread radioactivity while it burns merrily. OSHA regulations, once again, will not be denied.

This, of course, leads Frau Blucher to spontaneously orgasm, declaring that now they won’t have to launch a nuke at al-Brynner’s home nation. The nuke didn’t detonate, after all, it just led to a bunch of dispensable firefighters dying from cancer due to radiation exposure, so everything is wonderful.

VP Neocon, however, isn’t all that indifferent to the sufferings of the citizens that he’s sworn to protect, so he orders the launch to go forward. Of course, it will take about an episode hour, so we know it won’t happen, but at least he has a set of balls.

Join us next week as President al-Allstate Jr wakes up for long enough to order the U.S. to commit suicide, VP Neocon is arrested, and the Muslims, who are Our Greatest Hope and the Last, Best Hope of Humanity™ are utterly vindicated while every terrorist attack since WWII is blamed on Serbian Nationalists.

14 Responses to “And the Band Droned On…”
  1. Lady Heather Comment by Lady Heather

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    It’s Tuesday, and it’s also…”American Idol”!

    Will Sanjay be finally out after this week?!?

  2. Sir Christopher Comment by Sir Christopher

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    that freaking drone was RIGHT over my house when they flashed the location when it was just outside the perimeter, coming up the peninsula. Funny, i didn’t hear it. Must be really stealthy.

  3. NevadaDailySteve Comment by NevadaDailySteve

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    This is better than TIVO! This saves me so much time. I no longer have to watch the television set, I can spend more time on the computer and my arm doesn’t get sore from throwing things when they go into PC mode. Thanks.

  4. Lady Heather Comment by Lady Heather

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Pardon my ignorance, but what exactly does “HOV” stand for?

  5. Lady Heather Comment by Lady Heather

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Crap, wrong thread.

  6. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I’d really like to believe that Awwwdrey is dead, but somehow I doubt it. Remember back in Season One when Teri’s car went over the cliff with Kim inside, and we all let out a cheer that the spoiled little brat had been permanently put out of out misery…and then we found out at the end of the episode that Kim survived?

    Alas, I suspect something similar happened to Awwwdrey. They’ve recycled pretty much every other “24″ plot point this season; why not that one? Well, that and the cougar…except I think siccing “Silver Spoons” Ricky on Nadia is just about as unbelivable as was sending the cougar after Kim.

    If St. Awwwdrey of the Sacred Probocis doesn’t turn up in the climactic episodes of this season, she’ll be back next year…or perhaps in the “24″ theatrical film they’re supposed to be doing as soon as filming on this season wraps up.

    And next week Sista Allstate comes back. Instead of toasting all the perimeters and “Dammits!” with alcohol, I think I’ll be drinking Pepto-Bismol during the next episode…

  7. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Fox has to have been hijacked by CAIR. San Fransicko survives a nuke attempt, but the conservative burbs of Valencia are nuked. Yup, the Kos-suckers and DUmmies have taken over. Makes me long for the days when the writers wrote Jack as cool with lines like ‘Suspect, your lawyer can kiss my ass!’ and ‘I’m gonna need a hacksaw.’ before he goes into cutting up a dead pedophile.

    I miss the old Jack Bauer. Maybe St. Schnoz’s death is gonna send him back into Bad Ass turf. I mean, he got schooled by Syriana Boy who twisted a knife in an A-rab’s leg and got a confession out faster than you could say, “durka durka Islamic jihad.”

  8. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    If St Schnoz is resurrected I’m gonna hurl. If they bring back her dad, Da Secretary and Mike Novick, that will rock!

    Secretary called his son a 6th Grade Michael Moore logic believer.

    Novick just looks like Dick Cheney, nuff said.

  9. LC HOGHEAD Comment by LC HOGHEAD

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    sorry blokes….24 circa 2007 SUCKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. sig94 Comment by sig94

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Misha, your recap is better than the series. I only watch it so I can appreciate the irony here. Plus my wife is hooked on it. But she was hooked on “ER” when Clooney was big. *sigh*

    And she wonders why I spend so much time on the laptop.

  11. MCPO Airdale Comment by MCPO Airdale

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    . . . And Mr. Sutherland writes a check to Code Pink.

  12. Unregistered Comment by TGregg

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    At least we were spared the site of Ex-President Milquetoast rising from the dead. But you can bet your bottom dollar that Token Arab Chick is innocent as the wind driven snow, seeing as how she is of that “Race of Peace”, LOL.

    I half expected Frau Blucher to mention Fwance as an additional source of retalitation against the USA. The laughter that generated would have helped this episode. I wonder if CAIR gets free blow-jobs from the writers as well? I suppose it was inevitable that 24 would descend into intense Political Correctness, but it doesn’t make it any easier to watch. I might skip next season and watch the first one instead.

  13. memoryleak Comment by memoryleak

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Took “24″ off my Tivo, much better reading about it here, funnier too!

  14. LC ShadowFox Comment by LC ShadowFox

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Looks like your new fans have taken up a classic libtard tactic for any speech deemed unapproved, repeated down voting.