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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Joel al-Surnow Jumps the Shark (UPDATED)
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In this week’s episode, we start out by learning, once again, that Fayed the terrorist is nothing but a helpless innocent Muslim who can do nothing without the help of the REAL mastermind, Gredenko the Evil White Russian Supremacist (because Muslims never committed any acts of terrorism in the entire history of the world, of course), that Gredenko himself is helpless without the assistance of an autistic brother of a security guard, that Nadia the Token Arab Chick Mole is as innocent as the day is long (because Muslims never committed any acts of terrorism in the entire history of the world, of course) and that President Allstate Jr, who was until recently in an induced coma because he’d, at best, end up as a brain-damaged vegetable if he wasn’t kept in it, wakes up like Lazarus at the very last moment to prevent the retaliatory strike against Fayed and Assad’s home country (because Muslims never committed any acts of terrorism in the entire history of the world, of course), none the worse for wear and prepared to take on the world.

I’m done.

Let somebody else do the recaps of this CAIR propaganda piece from now on, because I can’t stand watching that terrorist cock-sucking show anymore.

If they’d at least broadcast it in the original Arabic, then it’d have some novelty value.

As it is, they should tell al-Jazeera to stick to blood libels, because they suck donkey’s dick when it comes to writing TV shows.

The End.

***UPDATE:*** Oh what the Hell… Since tradewind asks so nicely in the comments, here we go. But let me warn you: There is precious little I can do to make last night’s episode sound any more retardedly absurd, even with my considerable talents, so if anything in the following makes you go “no WAY, that’s TOO much artistic license, Emperor”, chances are that I’m just quoting the script verbatim. Yes, it’s THAT ridiculous…

At the scene where Jack nailed Gredenko’s remote pilot last episode (and made a new high score on the video game he was using), Jack tells the paramedics to keep the pilot alive because he’s “the only link to Gredenko that they have.” Which, of course, causes the pilot to croak on the spot. Note to Joel Surnow: The “he’s the last lead we have” followed immediately by “oops, he snuffed it” plotline has been done to death already. Get OVER it. Of course, so has pretty much every other plot device in this whole season, but we digress…

Jack calls Bill to get an update on the nuclear fallout situation, and is told that VP Neocon, the Evil Bastard, has decided to retaliate with a tactical nuclear strike in the middle of a desert somewhere.

“He’s NUTS! It’ll start WWIII!”, Jack screams.

Sure, Jack. For one thing, that would be WWIV and, for another, we somehow don’t much think that the Chinese and the Russians would be interested in testing their M.A.D. aftermath scenarios over a few roasted camels in a tent in Buttfuckistan.

“But it’ll be seen as an act of aggression against the entire Middle East!”

Forgetting for a moment that the Arab nations aren’t exactly exemplary in their solidarity with their brothers when under attack, we have to say “so what?” What are they going to do? Bleed on us? Oh, you mean terrorism? AS IN WHAT THEY’RE ALREADY FUCKING DOING??? Notice that, by any chance?

At the terrorist hangout, tensions are running high. Yul al-Brynner is pissed off that he didn’t get a nice fireball over San Francisco, crying that “it’s all over thanks to you and your people” and threatens to shoot Gredenko.

“But you need ME to deliver the remaining two bombs”, Gredenko protests.

“WHY?”, a million viewers ask, as they wonder what’s stopping al-Brynner from setting them off himself. He’s already got the triggering device, after all, and even HE ought to be able to find a major city on his own. OK, so he’d have to stop at a gas station for a Rand-McNally, but surely he can figure THAT out without Gredenko’s help?

Of course he can’t. He’s a Muslim, and the REAL mastermind is an evil, conspicuously white Russian fanatic. Because Muslims Never Committed Any Terrorist Attacks On Their Own In The Entire History Of Mankind™ (BMNCATAOTOITEHOM™), of course. There is ALWAYS some wicked white man who is REALLY behind it, don’t you know? Just ask all the Jooos that were evacuated from the WTC before Bush Made It Happen On Purpose™ (MIHOP™).

Realizing that Joel Surnow would never let him set off a nuke (or CAIR would most assuredly sue him), al-Brynner decides to let Gredenko live. Gredenko then calls the NEXT “real man behind the curtain” who, apart from being decidedly non-Muslim of course, happens to be Doogie Howser who now works as a security guard at a nuclear power plant and lives alone with his autistic brother, Rain Man.

We can’t wait to learn about the next “real man behind the curtain.” It’ll probably be a paraplegic Inuit grandmother living in an igloo. No, that would be a minority. OK, how about a Caucausian Republican midget stock broker with Merrill Lynch? Hey, it COULD HAPPEN, you know.

Apparently Doogie, when not watching Judge Wapner with his brother or hanging out at the nuke plant, earns his money as a go-to guy for Russian terrorists. Has his own entry in the Yellow Pages and everything.

The nuclear plant has tightened security, so Gredenko calls Doogie and demands a new set of security codes.

“How long will it take?”, Gredenko asks.

“How much is left of tonight’s episode?”

“About 50 minutes.”

“Well, then I’ll have them in about 40.”

Doogie goes to see about his brother.

“Ray, I don’t suppose you could get me some files from the nuclear plant mainframe?”, he asks.

“Sure. I’m a good hacker. I’m definitely a good hacker”, Rain Man answers and goes to work.

At CTU, Milo the Frat Boy is watching Token Arab Mole Chick (who is obviously not a mole BMNCATAOTOITEHOM™) on the CCTV. Thankfully, the camera doesn’t let us see what he’s doing with his right hand. Bill comes by to give him the good news that she’s going to be transferred to GITMO as an enemy combatant WHERE SHE WILL BE HELD INDEFINITELY WITHOUT ACCESS TO LAWYERS OR DUE PROCESS OF LAW! BUSH=HITLER! HALLIBURTON!

Or something like that. We’re beyond giving a damn.

After Bill is done with that nice bit of exposition, designed to make the audience even more indignant on behalf of Token Arab Mole Chick when it, inevitably, turns out that she’s as pure as the driven snow (BMNCATAOTOITEHOM™), Chloe interrupts to tell Bill that they’ve found another lead on Gredenko. More specifically, it turns out that even CTU aren’t blitheringly incompetent enough to have NOT kept an eye on the traffic from Gredenko’s satellite phone and have traced his last conversation to Doogie Howser’s apartment.

Somewhere in the U.S., the ACLU is getting ready to file suit on behalf of innocent terrorists having their phone conversations listened in on without a warrant. Well, they would, if the terrorist in this case hadn’t been a Caucasian Russian terrorist.

Bill tells Chloe to send the address to Jack.

Meanwhile, at the drone pilot location, a spooky agent who also, it turns out, worked with Little Lord Fauntleroy in Denver (did anybody NOT work with him there?), reveals to Little Lord Fauntleroy that he found a computer chip explaining how the terrorists managed to hack into CTU’s satellite feed. According to Sneaky Spook, the chip, in conjunction with a trojan downloaded by Token Arab Mole Chick while she was browsing terrorist websites, was the only reason they got in. Obviously CTU has never heard about firewalls or browser security, or perhaps they’re just using Internet Explorer. Neither would surprise anybody very much.

Bottom line: Token Arab Mole Chick is, you guessed it, pure as the driven snow (BMNCATAOTOITEHOM™)… Big surprise there.

Agent Sneaky hands the chip to Little Lord Fauntleroy and suggests that he might want to lose the evidence to avoid unpleasantness when somebody finds out that Token Arab Mole Chick is innocent.

“But I was following standard protocol to the letter at the time, not to mention that all the evidence pointed in her direction!”, Little Lord Fauntleroy reasonably points out.

“Yeah”, Agent Sneaky replies, “but actual facts are hardly going to matter to ACLU, CAIR and The New York Times, now is it?”

He DOES have a point. Little Lord Fauntleroy doesn’t look to pleased and pockets the chip.

At the White House Bunker, Karen Pelosi walks into the medical bay to convince Cynthia McAllstate that risking her brother’s life by waking him up from his medically induced coma is the only way that Karen Pelosi can succeed in her personal crusade to vindicate her enormous ego to SAVE THE WORLD AND LITTLE CUTE BUNNIES!

“Before your brother was almost killed, he was trying to reach out to the Peaceful Muslims that Were Never Connected to Terrorism in the Entire History of Mankind, and it was working”, Karen says, blithely ignoring the fact that it wasn’t working at all. Well, unless your standards for something working are a whole lot lower than rational people’s.

Let’s review: No leads on anything, one nuke in Valencia, one disarmed elsewhere and one dirty nuke in San Francisco, not to mention two live ones at large. That and Ambassador Raghead of Buttfuckistan offering nothing but his condolences… Yep, it was working wonderfully, that’s for sure.

But Cynthia McAllstate have inherited the brains of the Allstate family, meaning that her logical faculties are either shut down or on a drunken Spring Break in Aruba, so she buys it hook, line and sinker.

“Sure, let’s wake my brother up from a coma and risk him dying or turning into a vegetable, heck, we don’t even know if he’ll be able to talk if he wakes up, what could possibly be worse than the home country of Assad and al-Brynner being put on notice that they either put up or shut up? Let’s DO it!”

While going over the plan for the tactical strike, VP Neocon is interrupted by his aide, who informs him about Karen Pelosi’s plot. He calls the doctor and tells him to quit being a fucking moron, and the doctor tells him that it’s not his call to make, that Cynthia McAllstate has ordered him to risk the POTUS’s life to prove Karen Pelosi’s point and that’s the end of it. Obviously, putting a patient’s life in immediate danger is a whole lot easier than one would think, even when the patient is the President of the United States.

VP Neocon reminds him that if the President is hurt in any way, he’ll personally nail his ass to the wall, so he might want to go find a nice spot.

At Doogie Howser’s house, Jack and the red shirts have arrived and are preparing to go in, guns blazing. They do so, managing to shoot Doogie, severing an artery, and scare the shit out of Rain Man who holds his head and shouts “Uh oh, guns, uh oh, guns…” while rocking back and forth. Jack tells the team to stabilize Doogie while he goes to have a talk with Rain Man.

Jack does his best Special Ed Teacher impersonation which, if it weren’t so out of character, would be an interesting alternative to his usual “you’re going to tell me what I need to know or I’ll…” routine.

He goes back to tell Doogie that unless he tells him what information he was getting for Gredenko, he’ll have Rain Man locked up in a small cell without a TV to watch Judge Wapner on, and he’ll make personally sure that his maple syrup will be served after the pancakes for the rest of his life. Doogie promptly spills the beans and tells Jack what nuclear power plant he was giving him the codes for. Of course, Jack could’ve just looked that up in Doogie’s files, but hey…

He goes back to Rain Man who is definitely not wearing his underwear. Or maybe he is, who cares? Jack puts on his Special Ed cap again and talks Rain Man into doing the handover of the codes to Gredenko for him. With Doogie Howser’s help (and the promise of a trip to K-Mart), Rain Man agrees to help out. Doogie calls Gredenko and tells him that there’s been a slight change of plan. He’s got the codes, but he has to go to the office to talk to his supervisor so, unless Gredenko wants to wait for him to come back, he’ll have to take delivery from Rain Man.

“Your brother?”, Gredenko asks.

“Yes. Either that or you’re going to have to wait a bit longer for your codes.”

“Alright, but if he insists on driving my car again, I’m going to shoot him on the spot. And no watching People’s Court either. I can’t STAND that friggin’ show! Have him meet me in the parking lot across the street.”

At CTU, Agent Spooky looks up Milo and tells him about the chip and how Little Lord Fauntleroy is hiding the evidence.

Milo rushes off to beat up Little Lord Fauntleroy but is, thankfully for him, stopped before he can get his ass beaten to a whimpering pulp.

“He’s hiding evidence that Nadia’s innocent”, he yells.

“What?”, Bill asks.

“Oh shut up, Milo”, Al Bundy says as he runs to join the fray, “he gave it to me so I could check it out, make sure it was legit.”

“Er, oops”, Milo says, and Little Lord Fauntleroy generously refrains from spitting on his soul patch. Instead he goes to find Agent Spooky and tells him that the gig is up. “Soon, fuckhead, sooon…”, he hisses as he glares menacingly at him. Well, with all the menace that an actor mainly known for his part as Little Lord Fauntleroy can muster anyways. It doesn’t leave much of an impression either.

Bill goes to tell Token Arab Mole Chick the good news, that she’s been absolutely cleared and that she’s free to go. Oh, and would she please go back to work?

Instead of being happy to be proven innocent and impressed with how justice has been served by CTU investigating the matter and fessing up to their mistakes, Token Arab Mole Chick walks off in a huff, pouting like a little girl. Hey, she’s got an enormous windfall coming to her once CAIR gets a hold of her case, so why sabotage it by pretending to be reasonable? Besides, she’s a Muslim, so everybody should have known from the start that she could not POSSIBLY be guilty of anything (BMNCATAOTOITEHOM™).

After Bill has kissed her ass profusely, she relents and decides to stay for the time being. Or perhaps she realized that discovery would be a bitch, considering her felony breach of security protocol by accessing the mainframe using Milo’s login credentials.

As she comes back to her workstation, Milo spots her and decides that it’s time to make his move. Well, other than his standard move of humping her leg every time she’s in the room, that is. Token Arab Mole Chick isn’t exactly in the mood, however, at least until Milo baas like a goat, grabs her forcefully and tells her that he’s going to ride her like a camel while sticking his tongue down her throat well past her tonsils.

Apparently that turns her on, because she somehow refrains from kneeing him in the groin.

At the White House, Cynthia McAllstate and Karen Pelosi are waiting for President Allstate Jr to wake up from his coma and save the world, when the doctor enters the room and tells them that President Allstate Jr’s brain is swelling. As a matter of fact, it has now swollen to the size of a walnut and doctor Kevorkian is suggesting that they re-induce the coma to save his life.

“No”, Cynthia McAllstate says, “I don’t care if it swells to the point where his skull blows up, he has to save the world!”

“But he won’t be much use saving the world if he’s got the intellect of a rutabaga when he wakes up”, the doctor points out.

“Says who? It never kept him from being President in the past!”

At this point, the nurse interrupts the Three Stooges, telling the doc that President Allstate’s vitals are crashing.

Doesn’t look good, does it? Well, in the real world it wouldn’t look good, but we all know what’s not going to happen, don’t we?

Jack and the team are getting ready and Jack briefs Rain Man one more time.

“Ray, I need you to wear one of those”, he says, holding up an ear radio.

“Will it hurt?”

“It will if you don’t put it in there right now, dammit”, everybody watching the show says and breathe a sigh of relief when Rain Man lets Jack put it on him.

“It’ll let you hear me without anybody knowing. Kinda like voices in your head. And it comes with a neat decoder ring too! Just pretend you can’t hear me, because Mr Gredenko can’t know.”

With that and an “OK” from Rain Man, Jack sends him off to the rendezvous across the street. Then he briefs his team.

“OK, guys. Charlie team shoots Gredenko with the tranq dart, Alpha and Bravo teams shoot anything else that moves. And try to get it right this time, will you?”

“Roger that. Alpha and Bravo to shoot Gredenko while Charlie shoots Rain Man with the tranq dart.”

“No, dammit, Charlie on Gredenko with the tranq dart, Alpha and Bravo on everybody else. And NOBODY shoots Rain Man!”

“Unless he moves, got it…”

“NO SHOOTING ON RAIN MAN, FOR FUCK’S SAKES!”

“What if Gredenko moves? Do Alpha and Bravo shoot him then?”

“No, you do NOT shoot Gredenko unless it’s with a tranq dart.”

“Whether he moves or not. Right. Gotcha, sir.”

Gredenko arrives and gets out of the car.

“Do you have it?”, Gredenko asks.

“Yeah. I definitely have it”, Rain Man answers.

“Alright. Give it to me.”

“Uh oh”, Rain Man says.

“What?”

“You have to say ‘please.’ Definitely have to say ‘please’”

“Alright then. Give it to me please.”

While Rain Man hands over the thumb drive and Gredenko starts downloading, Charlie team informs Jack that Rain Man is in the way. He can’t get a clean shot. For some reason, it doesn’t occur to Jack to tell Rain Man to take one step to the left or right, the reason most likely being that it would be too logical. Not to mention that we’d miss seeing the download gauge on Gredenko’s laptop go from 0% to 100%.

While downloading, Gredenko gives the order, in Russian, to shoot Rain Man as soon as he’s done downloading and verifying the codes.

“Can you take a shot?”, Jack asks Charlie team.

“Negative. Rain Man is still in the way like I told you a minute ago.”

“Can you move your position?”

“Are you fucking crazy, sir? Alpha and Bravo would shoot me if I were to move. You just told them, remember?”

“Oh bother”, Jack mumbles, then finally has an epiphany and realizes that perhaps, just perhaps it would be possible to get Rain Man to move a few inches instead.

“Ray, when I say ‘go’, you get down as quickly as possible, OK?”

“Should we shoot him then? Seeing as how he’ll be moving and all?”, Alpha and Bravo ask.

“No, dammit. NOBODY SHOOTS AT THE AUTISTIC KID, COPY???”

“Gotcha, Sir. Nobody is to shoot the kid, whether he moves or not.”

The download finishes and Gredenko gives the order to shoot Rain Man. Jack tells Rain Man to get down, and Charlie team nails Gredenko with a tranq dart while Alpha and Bravo teams start shooting everything that moves. Except for one guy, who is taken out by Jack while running to rescue Rain Man.

“Why didn’t you fucking shoot the bastard?”, he yells.

“He didn’t move”, Alpha and Bravo teams reply in unison.

Jack picks up Rain Man who is cowering on the ground.

“You did great, Ray”, he says, “but what’s that smell?”

“Uh oh, I’m definitely not wearing my underpants”, Rain Man answers, and Jack turns his head and tells his team to take the poor kid to his brother. And ferchrissakes, would somebody give the kid a fresh pair of underwear?

Gredenko is dragged off to be prepped for interrogation.

When he wakes up, Jack enters the room, looking at him menacingly while giving him the usual speech about how he’s going to tell him what he needs to know etc. etc. etc. and does somebody happen to have a hacksaw?

Gredenko isn’t impressed at all, since he’s seen the previous seasons already.

“Cut the crap. Just give me the standard Full Amnesty and Protection Package™ or I’m not telling you anything.”

And we all know that he’s going to get it too. There is no WAY that Jack would just tell him to fuck himself and make him talk anyway by “asking him very nicely” because, as we all know, there is no crime so egregiously horrid that you can’t immediately get a Full Amnesty on 24. Oh, and Torture Never Works!!!!™.

At the White House Bunker, the fireworks are about to commence. Spineless Toad, who has become a perfect clone of Karen Pelosi, is trying to convince the VP that now that they have another useless lead, it’s time to call off everything and rely on CTU and their 1337, M4d 5k|11z because that’s worked so well in the past.

The VP is having none of it, however. Obviously he’s seen enough of CTU’s “promising leads” turn to shit in the past (so say we all!) to not be overly confident that this one is going to Save the World™. That, and he probably knows that there are about ten episodes left of the show still.

Not to mention that, whether Gredenko’s capture leads to the unraveling of the plot or not, there’s still the small matter of a dozen thousand casualties in Valencia and the radiation spill in San Francisco, caused by a citizen of Buttfuckistan whose organization has been planning and operating with the tacit approval of the government of said turd world shithole so maybe, just MAYBE it’s time to put them on notice that actions have consequences and that “sincere” condolences plus three bucks won’t get you anything above a cup of coffee at Starbuck’s.

Clearly, he’s insane. At least by the standards of the CAIR writers that FOX has been forced to hire.

Then, just as the sub is about to launch, we learn that they’ve been ordered to stand down. By the President of the United States.

Switching to the medical bay, we learn that a MIRACLE has happened. President Allstate Jr, who just a few minutes ago was struggling for his life, brain swelling rapidly and vital signs crashing all over the place, has awoken and is in full possession of his faculties, looking considerably better than any of us do when we wake up from a full night of restful sleep. Heck, he doesn’t even look groggy. Which is pretty damn impressive, considering that a few minutes ago he was almost dead and higher than a Kennedy behind the wheel.

“I’ve stopped your insane genocidal attack on the camels of our eternal friends in Buttfuckistan”, he tells the VP, “and I’ll be resuming my full Presidential duties immediately. Well, as soon as I get done walking on water and raising the dead, that is.”

I guess we’ll have to call him President Lazarus from now on.

Of course, the VP being the Evil NeoKKKon Racist that he is, isn’t going to give up without a fight (it would make CAIR seriously “disappointed”, after all), so he vows to unseat President Lazarus Allstate, asking for the Attorney General.

And thus endeth the episode.

Did I tell that it was ridiculous or what?

47 Responses to “Joel al-Surnow Jumps the Shark (UPDATED)”
  1. Mike M Comment by Mike M

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    And Kiefer Sutherland is standing in an LA soup line wondering where they all went wrong.

  2. sig94 Comment by sig94

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Heh, even my wife (who is a “24″ fanatic) got disgusted with it tonight.

  3. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Here’s where it went wrong- THE FUCKING WRITERS!

    They’re rehashing shit from past seasons!

    They were dead on with suicide bombers, and Jack kicking ass, BUT then the little bitches of Moron.Org and CAIR got into this…..

    Here’s what they’re rehashing….

    -Another war and another President facing a 25th Amendment unseating (Season 2)
    -Another President wounded in an attack (Season 4)
    -VP is a warmonger (Season 2, 3, 4, 5, and now)
    -The mooselimbs are tools of a more evil group (Season 2, and 4)
    -Mooselimbs are never terrorists…..(none thank God)
    -Jack is going soft. (Season 4 end, part of 5 and now- Come on Joel, I wanna see Jack jam a knife into some dude’s kneecap! The masses of spoken, we want blood!)
    -CTU agents are Red Shirts with limited life expectancy- EVERY FUCKING SEASON!
    -Another Palmer getting preachy on not going to war…. Sigh, and David was the ballsy one of that family.
    -Another Palmer sib throws their weight around….
    -Nuclear power plant as target.
    -City as target of missile/aircraft/nuke- Season 2, 4, 5 and NOW.
    -Major characters disappear and re-appear (Bring back Mike Novick and James Heller, dammit!)
    -Major characters are not explained away, just written out in a major plot hole. (see President Limpdick Logan’s demise, or was it a demise?????)
    -Evil white men are worse terrorists than the crazy asses in the Middle East. (season 2, 4, 5, 6)

    Write Fox, and tell Joel if wants a Season 7, to fire the fucking writers and tell CAIR to stick it up the same camel hole, they fuck on a regular basis.

    This is our show dammit! Bring back Jack! Bring Back Jack! Off the faker posing as Jack!

    Holy shit, I’m pissed.

  4. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I wonder how Blogs4Bauer will take tonight’s BS.

    Jumped the Shark, and Ted McGinley is nowhere in site. Daaaamn.

  5. Unregistered Comment by TGregg

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    The show is becoming a major source of incredibility. For instance, the newly unresigned staff member shows up at the hospital and says to a member of the president’s security detail “Go away” and he does. Never mind the president is unconscious, and this chickipoo resigned. Why, if I walked up as a civilian and asked him to leave, I’m sure he would.

    I mean, it’s not like somebody is trying to kill the president or anything.

    Then Karen Pelosi says to Cynthia McKinney “He was reaching out to Middle East countries to stop this threat.” (Or something like that). Then she says (exact quote): “And it was working.”

    So far, the “peaceful” and unnamed Middle East countries have contributed exactly zero information. But it’s true that there is one thing they’ve done as far as these two tools know - they tried to kill Palmer. So it’s not really “working” very well at all.

    But never mind that. Never mind that the strike is against the same folks these two think tried to kill their hero. Never mind that it’s not a strike against a city, but a remote wilderness (and there are some serious remotes in the ME).

    So Cindy takes a major risk to bring Palmer around for a bit to save several dozen camels. Never mind that if he croaks, the Evil Neocon will be in office for the remainder of the term, and there won’t be squat they can do about that. Who cares about the future anyway?

    I’ve been willing to do a fair amount of belief suspension, but this is closer to random acts and words than anything realistic.

  6. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

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    OK, is anyone else a little perturbed that Jack Bauer has yet to hunt down Darth Bauer, aka Philip Bauer to kick some ass and show him who really runs the Clan Bauer. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!

    And on a side note, what happened to Jack’s nephew, aka the Bauer love child? I miss that little albino from Deliverance looking clone. I do. And you know the cast on 24 misses him playing the banjo.

  7. jaybear Comment by jaybear

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    wow….that was a quick review. The show hasn’t even aired here in the Pacific Northwest, I got an hour until that happens.

    The writers of 24, like the rest of the world will one day wake up and realize who the real enemy is. Someday, they will probably look up from their prayer rug, the light bulb will come on and the thought will occur to them “what in Gods name is going on here, and why does that arab guy in front of me keep bending over and sticking his arse in my face?”

    maybe I’ll go to bed early and finish reading my latest book on the Civil War.

  8. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    I never thought I’d find myself missing the cougar scene, but that scene alone was more believable than all of this season.

    That show is done, stick a fork in it.

  9. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

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    There’s only so many times a show can jump the shark and survive. I’m amazed “24″ lasted this long, and I’ve been a rabid fan since the series premiere. The sheer implausibility of the plotlines was part of the show’s charm, and I was willing to overlook some nods to political correctness along the way (”24″ is a Hollywood production, after all).

    Unfortunately, not only have Surnow and company totally bowed to their liberal critics (if “bowed” is the word; “bent over and dropped trou” may be more accurate), the writers have clearly run out of ideas. The only plot point from previous seasons that hasn’t yet been recycled this year is the cougar…oh, wait a minute:

    And on a side note, what happened to Jack’s nephew, aka the Bauer love child?

    Apparently, Josh wandered off, got lost in the woods, and stumbled into an animal trap…and there’s an ominous growling coming from somewhere in the trees.

    No, it’s not the cougar…yet, anyway…it’s the sound of tens of thousands of increasingly disappointed and irritated viewers, taking one last deep breath before reaching for the remote.

  10. Unregistered Comment by TGregg

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    But cougars don’t really attack people in real life, dontcha know? Just like mooselimbs are never terrorists.

  11. LC & IB FIAR Comment by LC & IB FIAR

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    I’m done.

    Let somebody else do the recaps of this CAIR propaganda piece from now on, because I can’t stand watching that terrorist cock-sucking show anymore.

    If they’d at least broadcast it in the original Arabic, then it’d have some novelty value.

    That’s exactly how I’ve felt the whole season. I stopped watching and just read your recaps because I couldn’t stomach the wall to wall Moonbat propaganda. I already get that on all the tv stations, any newspaper, and every single movie that comes out of Hollywierd. Why would I want more of it?

    I don’t.

  12. Trooper THX1138 Comment by Trooper THX1138

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    Even though I TiVoed the season, I’m wondering if it’s worth it anymore. I’m not getting anywhere near the slaking of my bloodlust that I need. Oh well. It was good while it lasted.

  13. Beth* A. Comment by Beth* A.

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    Sire,
    You might have to consider amending your ‘Jack Bauer of the Blogosphere’ title to something incorporating the idea of ‘during the kickass early years’. Or, ‘bC’. (before CAIR)

  14. BrainFromArous Comment by BrainFromArous

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    It’s sad, but hardly surprising.

    The Leftards who colonize the so-called “creative community” just can’t stay away from their medicine; at some point they must return to it and drink deep. This is who and what they are.

  15. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    Sire,
    You might have to consider amending your ‘Jack Bauer of the Blogosphere’ title to something incorporating the idea of ‘during the kickass early years’. Or, ‘bC’. (before CAIR)

    Quite.

    Thanks for the heads up, and consider it done.

  16. MuscleDaddy Comment by MuscleDaddy

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    (because Muslims never committed any acts of terrorism in the entire history of the world, of course)

    No?
    Sweet! I don’t have to go to work tomorrow!

    (I never watched the show - always had the recaps)

    I suggest recaps of ‘Heroes’ when it comes back.

    - MuscleDaddy

  17. Xystus Comment by Xystus

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    I guess I was ahead of my time… :cool_wp:

  18. Unregistered Comment by tradewind

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    Well, dammit. I haven’t really been that knocked over by the politics of it, but I have been feeling gypped by the writers, since I’ve already seen Seasons 1-5 and hate getting the ‘ deja vu all over again ‘ flashes . Prison Break’s writers have left the 24 crew in the dust, plot-shockers wise.
    Somebody, fix the damn WRITERS and script, for the love of God!
    You’re gonna need a hacksaw.
    I just want to know, who are they working for??

  19. Unregistered Comment by tradewind

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    (But please, Misha, do a long scathing parody anyway, just one more???)

  20. Balderdash Comment by Balderdash

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    The show isn’t watchable. I just sat there and kept repeating “you’ve got to be shitting me”.

    I’m going to miss the recaps.

  21. Viceroy of TexMexica Comment by Viceroy of TexMexica

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    Ditto on that “never watched the show but loved the recaps”. Let the free market prevail! Maybe Misha …would you please…..continue your “recaps” as the show shoulda been written?

  22. Unregistered Comment by physicsgeek

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    My wife and I have been hooked since the first episode of season 1. Last year, we both started to laugh at the absurdities we were forced to swallow, but hey, it was still fun. Now I’m watching the show alone. Two weeks ago my wife, who is not prone to cursing, said “Fuck it; I’m not watching this stupid shit anymore” and went to grab a book.

    Sorry that you won’t be posting about 24, Misha. I’ve looked forward to your recaps. Now all I’ve got is the show. ::shudder::

  23. Sir Christopher Comment by Sir Christopher

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    i went to elementary school with a guy named Paul Gadd; wonder if it’s the same dude. Been seeing his name in the production credits.

  24. Iacobus Comment by Iacobus

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    As I mentioned here before, I didn’t jump onto the 24 bandwagon until this season because I wanted to see what all the hubbub from conservatives was about.

    I jumped off as fast as I jumped on. I was beginning to question the sanity of my fellow conservatives. I obviously missed the best of the series from past seasons.

    Heroes, Jericho and Battlestar Galactica are way better than this shit.

  25. Iacobus Comment by Iacobus

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    Oh, BTW, excellent subheader for the site, Your Rottieness! Effing hysterical! :lol_tb:

  26. LC Beeblebrox, Worst Dressed Sentient Being in the Known Universe Comment by LC Beeblebrox, Worst Dressed Sentient Being in the Known Universe

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    This is kind of where BS Galactica went. However, I must say that the last two episodes were freakin awesome. Unfortunately, BSG will not be back until 2008.

    As for 24, I always loved the fact that everything important in the world happend only a few blocks from CTU or where Jack happened to be. I was actually surprised when the drone crash-landed in San Fran instead of say, Long Beach. If it had been the latter, Jack could have been over in Pasadena and within 5 minutes would have driven to the ocean via the 210 to the Five to 450, etc. It’s been awhile since I was there but I think it takes longer than a few minutes to make that drive.

    Anyway, the saving grace this episode is at least they didn’t give Cynthia McKinny very many lines. She is soooo annoying.

    Oh, and I was happy to see JR Bourne show up in this ep of 24 (Martouf of SG-1 fame). His expression after Ricky walked away from him after the dysfunctional CTU scene (is that a redundant statement?) was priceless.

    But yes, the president going into arrest/death throes before the break and then being just fine a couple of seconds later (after all, he calls off the nook-u-lar airstrike DURING the commercial break so he must have been faking the whole brain seizure thing) was a Jump the shark moment.

  27. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

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    At least we’ll have the recaps. Unless Joel Surnow gets his juevos back and fires the writers and gets a fresh crop of gophers……

  28. LC Beeblebrox, Worst Dressed Sentient Being in the Known Universe Comment by LC Beeblebrox, Worst Dressed Sentient Being in the Known Universe

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    BMNCATAOTOITEHOM

    Exactly how is that pronounced?

    Beem-katow-to-it-eehom?

  29. LC ShadowFox Comment by LC ShadowFox

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    I knew this time was not a matter of if but when in the life of 24. After all Jack is played by Kiefer Sutherland who is the spawn of Donald “Nucking Futs” Sutherland. Don has probably been pestering his son non stop to get CAIR, SAG, MoveOn and the ACLU editorial control since season 1.

  30. Unregistered Comment by VBS

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    Oh my gosh, I feel like I just found the Holy Grail of “24″ ranters! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I thought I was the ONLY one who felt this same way about this season. Why does political correctness have to ruin everything?? And since Kiefer is the executive producer, I hold him personally responsible. What a wuss! Bring back the REAL Jack Bauer! And why don’t they put a freaking “Cheney” mask on VP Noah; it’s so obvious what they’re doing. It’s pathetic! And may God spare us from any more Palmers!!

  31. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

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    But yes, the president going into arrest/death throes before the break and then being just fine a couple of seconds later (after all, he calls off the nook-u-lar airstrike DURING the commercial break so he must have been faking the whole brain seizure thing) was a Jump the shark moment.

    How many shark jumps for “24″ does that make now, Beeblebrox? I’ve sort of lost count, but off the top of my head:

    1) The subplot with Kim, the cougar, the animal trap and the horny survivalist. (So bad it’s become a classic of TV melodrama.)

    2) Nina gets the first of many full pardons.

    3) Then they kill Nina - the best “24″ villian ever - off.

    4) For good measure, they write Kim out of the show, too, after…

    5) …revealing that Jack, not his daughter, is actually the one on drugs.

    6) Jack takes an entire convienence store hostage as a tactical maneuver.

    7) “Awwwdrey Raines” as Jack’s love interest. ‘Nuff said.

    8) They turned William Devane’s “SECDEF Heller” into a complete tool and then killed him off.

    9) And had Jack’s brother and father whack Tony, Michelle and President Allstate, and blame it on Jack, for the sake of a plot twist that still doesn’t make any sense.

    10) While leaving Wayne Allstate alive.

    11) And this season they’ve got the Official “24″ Random Plotline Generator (thanks, Dave Barry!) stuck in a loop, repeating all the bad plotlines from previous seasons…

    12) while the Official “24″ Wooden Dialogue Generator (again, thanks to Dave Barry) was apparently reprogrammed by CAIR and the ACLU before the start of the season. (Maybe with the same sort of electronic module Gredenko’s people used to remotely hack Nadia’s terminal in last night’s episode…)

    No the problem isn’t that “24″ has “jumped the shark,” it’s been basically running a shark hurdle race all along. What’s killing the show is that they’ve finally run out of new ideas for storylines - to the point they were reduced to ripping off Rain Man(!) - and they’ve made such a hard left political turn that what plot the show has now reads like, to quote William Devane from a couple of seasons ago: “sixth-grade Michael Moore crap.”

    If it weren’t for Dave Barry’s MST3K-like “24″ liveblog and Misha’s hilarious recaps, I probably would have already quit watching the show. I likely won’t be watching it next year, even assuming it doesn’t get cancelled as a result of this season.

  32. Unregistered Comment by thirteen28

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    Honestly, I’ve been struggling to keep my interest in this show for a couple of seasons now.

    S4 started off promising, but then the plot became a convoluted mess that seemed to be going everywhere and nowhere at the same time, with a season-ending that was totally anti-climatic.

    S5 had some good moments, but just like in S2, they succumbed to the disease of “the real terrorists are white superpatriots doing it for the good of the country” syndrome.

    And now this … S6 had potential, but they have completely pussed out. Every line that spews forth from Karen Haye’s piehole is more cringeworthy than an army of fingernails on blackboard (and Buchanan, you stupid fuck, you used to be nailing Michelle and now you settle for a hag like Karen Hayes??). Brother Wayne is nothing more than Jimmy Carter with a sun tan. And of course, anyone who even dares to think about actually defending our country or retaliating against our enemies is portrayed as either a weasly neocon like Tom Lennox or a Dr. Strangelove-ian psycho like VP Daniels … while of course, the good guys are everyone that wants to kiss the terrorists ass (after all, they really are innocent, and again it’s either white superpatriots like Graem or white Russian nationalists like Gradenko who are the real villains). And let’s not Assad, the good terrorist because he renounced all of his previous murdering of innocents to join the political process … yeah, that makes up for it (not to mention, it’s about as believable as Britney Spears lecturing other women on motherhood).

    I’ve long been told that Joel Surnow was a Republican. Considering the current state of the Republican pary, which includes nutroot Chucky Hagel, a terrorist sympathizer like Lindsey Graham, and border-erasers John McVain and Jorge Bush, I find the rumor about Surnow’s party affiliation to be quite believable.

  33. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

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    Beeblebrox: speaking of Dave Barry, were you the one that put the link to Misha’s rant in Dave’s comment stream on last night’s episode?

    Damn, I should have done that…

  34. Unregistered Comment by thirteen28

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    3) Then they kill Nina - the best “24″ villian ever - off.

    Actually, I’ll have to register minor disagreement here - whacking Nina was one of my favorite ‘24′ moments of the entire run of the series. Not only was she so richly deserving of death, but seeing it meted out by Jack in such a personal way made it all the more satisfying.

  35. Unregistered Pingback by Somebody Get The Fork

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    […] season more than ever HAD to have been co-written by CAIR. The Emperor nails it as usual in this deconstruction of the latest episode. For me personally the character of Vice President Neocon did it even more than those of Token Arab […]

  36. MCPO Airdale Comment by MCPO Airdale

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    So, Keifer, the writers and producers all turned out to be typical Hollyweird leftists promoting PC multi-culturalism. . . color me not surprised!

    And Keifer must now figure out how to get a guest speaker gig at the National CAIR Convention.

  37. Unregistered Comment by marvina

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    “Considering the current state of the Republican pary, which includes nutroot Chucky Hagel, a terrorist sympathizer like Lindsey Graham, and border-erasers John McVain and Jorge Bush, I find the rumor about Surnow’s party affiliation to be quite believable.”

    Perhaps that is because “republican” is just as meaningless as “democrat”. Didn’t used to be that way, but it sure is today. Doesn’t matter anyway, IMHO, unless one has to put their fellow man into a little ‘category’ in order to relate to them as people.

    I do wonder about the statement “the real terrorists are (always) white superpatriots doing it for the good of the country”. Yes, there’s been far too much of it in this show the last few seasons, but you almost say it as if you believe that could never actually happen. I’ll bet the Romans thought the same thing, once upon a time ;)

    Does anyone remember exactly which season truly started blowing the “real time” format? I seem to remember that going south sometime in S3, but hubby says S2 (he won’t even watch anymore but it’s cuz he’s sick of the stereotypes across the board this year, and he’s still pissed that Tony was killed off)

    Cool blog,l now have two to read on Monday/Tuesday, this one and Dave Barry’s :-) And, I agree with the more vituperative sentiments about the writers’ ineptitude. I’m not sure it’s specifically that, though–someone blogged at DB last night that “oh, the writers are coasting this season ‘cuz they think they have a lot of new viewers that won’t recognize repeated plot devices’. That seems so much more realistic than blaming it on ‘party affiliation’ or some idjit group of extremist whacks from either end of the spectrum.

    One day, when Surnow gets his wits about him again, he is going to hire the Amazing Steve. Now THERE is a guy who should be writing for this show. He wrote a whole season during the summer/fall–made up his own plots, pretty much, to get us blogits our 24 fixes in the ‘off-season’ I’m tellin’ ya, it was better than anything these yutzes are writing in S6.

    I miss S1 and 2. I miss Marwan. I miss Kumar. I even miss KIM! God help me…

  38. Unregistered Comment by thirteen28

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    I do wonder about the statement “the real terrorists are (always) white superpatriots doing it for the good of the country”. Yes, there’s been far too much of it in this show the last few seasons, but you almost say it as if you believe that could never actually happen. I’ll bet the Romans thought the same thing, once upon a time ;)

    Well maybe you can fill me in on the last time high ranking government officials of this country got together with leaders of giant corporations and conspired to give terrorists (or let them sneak in) nukes/chemical weapons to be used in attacks in this country against civilian targets.

    For bonus points, you can tell fill me in on how easy it would be to cover up such a conspiracy.

    That whole overused plot device most likely has cachet with the Koz Kidz and 9/11 Truthers though. Just sayin’.

  39. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

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    thirteen28, did you ever see the South Park where George Bush and Cheney confront the South Park kids on their 9/11 theory? Funny as crap…..

    Funny as crap, and kind of shows how assinine the 9/11 Truthers are….

  40. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

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    Here’s a funnier video of how 9/11 happened, and the Truthers getting the South Park Treatment.

    He died like a pig, says a White House aide to the President…

  41. NevadaDailySteve Comment by NevadaDailySteve

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    Thank you,

    I looked in yesterday and there was just a short **NEVER AGAIN** review and not the gut-wrenching rants we’ve all come to know and love.

    Keep up the good work. The show may suck but the rants rock!!!!

  42. Unregistered Comment by thirteen28

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    thirteen28, did you ever see the South Park where George Bush and Cheney confront the South Park kids on their 9/11 theory? Funny as crap…..

    Oh, absolutely … you’re definitely talking to a South Park fan here. They hit the nail on the head with that one.

  43. Unregistered Pingback by Right on the Right » 24 Goes Left

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    […] the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler: In this week’s episode, we start out by learning, once again, that Fayed the terrorist is […]

  44. Skerdog Comment by Skerdog

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    Holy crap Misha.

    Best. Recap. EVAR.

    You rock dude.

  45. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    Holy crap Misha.

    Best. Recap. EVAR.

    You rock dude.

    Thanks! :smile1_tb:

    Now admit it, you guys are just trying to get me to continue the series, aren’t ya? Well, you succeeded. If I can’t love the show anymore, at least I can love mocking it mercilessly :tongue1_tb:

  46. Unregistered Comment by marvina

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    “Well maybe you can fill me in on the last time high ranking government officials of this country got together with leaders of giant corporations…”

    You missed my point, obviously.

    “the real terrorists are (always) white superpatriots doing it for the good of the country”

    Do you think that “white superpatriots doing it for the good of the country” could never happen here?

  47. Unregistered Comment by marvina

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    “If it weren’t for Dave Barry’s MST3K-like “24″ liveblog and Misha’s hilarious recaps, I probably would have already quit watching the show.”

    AMEN! “MST3K-like” = “Dave Barry 24 Blog” is a really good comparison. I’ve never had so much fun blogging before, and it’s the only reason I am still watching. There have been ‘bladder control’ issues while trying to read Steve’s recaps. And monitors-sprayed-with-beer issues ;)

    I started taping this season. I gave it up after Jack tortured his brother.

    His brother. Graham (sp?). The guy who knew everything about everybody last season had no idea Jack was back from China. Riiiiiiight….

    “I likely won’t be watching it next year, even assuming it doesn’t get cancelled as a result of this season.”

    I can’t see that happening, not for the ridiculous amount of money FOX paid to renew. There will be two more seasosn–hopefully, they won’t be as lame as this one…