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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Run Away! They’ve Got ADT!
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Which, coincidentally, is not the name of a new, horrid STD.

Now, before I continue, let me state for the record that I have absolutely no issue with alarm systems in general or ADT security in particular. I’m sure they do exactly what they’re supposed to do, which is to considerably narrow the time window during which burglars can load up your stuff and run away with it. At any rate, it beats the Hell out of simply letting your home sit around completely unprotected while you’re gone.

What I do have an issue with is their retarded ads. Seriously, laughing that much hurts, you people! Have you no mercy, no mercy at ALL?

My old “favorite” was the one in which the man of the house wakes up (or is woken up by his concerned wife, I’m not quite sure) because of somebody trying to get into the house. What does the Lord of the Castle do? Does he open the nightstand drawer, pull out his 1911 and go ventilate the goblin thoroughly? Does he pick up the Mossberg from behind the door and blow the goblin to Hell?

Of course he doesn’t. He calls ADT and lets the nice man on the phone know that there is somebody trying to break into the house, to which the nice man replies that they’ll be sure to send somebody out there to deal with the problem. Presumably, the goblin then proceeds to sit down and have a smoke while the ADT people come to pick him up, because we’re told that the story has a happy ending. How very thoughtful of the goblin. Would that it were so in real life, but unfortunately real life goblins have a tendency to bring along various implements of murder, and the realization that somebody’s in the house on the phone with ADT doesn’t seem to put a lid on their less than friendly intentions. Rather the opposite, as a matter of fact.

For realism, the ADT guy on the phone should reply with “thanks for letting us know, sir, we’ll send out the meat wagon with a handful of body bags to pick you and the family up. You DID sign up for the optional Free Body Bag Program™, didn’t you sir? Because if you didn’t, I’m afraid there’s going to be a small extra charge. Have a nice night.”

But the clueless advertising agency that ADT, for some obscure reason, keeps employing decided to set a new record for silliness in a new ad that we just watched.

In this one, the Lady of the Manor is away picking up the kids, leaving the house unattended. Well, except for the security system which, we repeat, is not a bad idea to have. Up comes the “gardener”, looking around for a point of entry. But then, just as he’s about to grab the patio doorknob and walk in, he sees the ADT sticker on the door! Oh dear! What does he do? Does he break in anyway, grabbing as much as he can before he has to leave? Does he simply shrug and walk away, deciding to try another house instead?

Nope. He runs, RUNS away from the house as if the sticker had suddenly turned into a fully armed SWAT team hot on the scent of goblin blood.

“HAVE MERCY! Don’t shoot, oh terribly frightening ADT sticker, I’m running away as fast as I possibly can! I’m TOO YOUNG TO DIEEEE!!!!1!”

I swear, I haven’t laughed that hard in days.

Please, ADT. I’m sure your product is great, but would you please at least consider hiring a bunch of copysmiths with functional brains instead of the ones you’re using now? My sides are splitting, my diaphragm is hurting and there’s coffee all over my keyboard and monitor.

Please?

38 Responses to “Run Away! They’ve Got ADT!”
  1. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

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    ADT has one good use, to alert you to load your gun and use REAL PROTECTION in your home.

    Sorry, kids, I know ADT is supposed to be some be all end all, but nothing says stay the F off my property better than a mean guy firing a shotgun or high caliber pistol at some would be thief or murderer.

    And if you hit one, you’re fulfilling survival of the fittest, just fine.

  2. LC Mrs. M-ITT™ Comment by LC Mrs. M-ITT™

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    It’s obvious to me that ADT’s target audience is Libtard gun weenies. Make them think that this is all they need. Just a sticker on the door to frighten all those misunderstood goblins away without actually hurting them. “Guns? We don’t need no stinkin guns! We have an ADT sticker on the door!!”

  3. Iacobus Comment by Iacobus

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    I thought it was just me that found those ADT ads dumb. Glad to know I’m not alone.

    I mean, seriously, someone suddenly breaks into this woman’s house right after her husband leaves for work…and she answers the phone in a panic when ADT calls? Why not perforate the dipshit that dares to enter her domain instead? What the fuck, over?

  4. Unregistered Comment by hawkeyesrock

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    Nick, not everybody is comfortable with weapons. For some folks, calling in the cavalry is the best course of action.

    Having said that, his Highness is right…those ads are beyond lame.

  5. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    # Comment by hawkeyesrock UNITED STATES

    Nick, not everybody is comfortable with weapons. For some folks, calling in the cavalry is the best course of action.

    Absolutely. Also, you can’t always be home AND there’s no denying that having the security guys on the way is an added battlefield advantage EVEN if you’re holding off the goblin with a firearm (hey, you might have a standoff with you and him barricaded in neighboring rooms).

    In short, there’s nothing wrong with installing security in your home, it’s a pretty good idea as a matter of fact, I just wish that they’d start making ads that DON’T make me howl with laughter.

    That would-be burglar running like he’s got a division of Marines on his ass when he sees a sticker… *BWAHAHAHAHA!* Sorry, that one just killed me… :lol_wp:

    Next time, they should use the Monty Python Rabbit instead…

  6. Cheapshot911 Comment by Cheapshot911

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    Nick, not everybody is comfortable with weapons. For some folks, calling in the cavalry is the best course of action.

    Y’know I’d have to agree. There’s folks that just can’t think in a crisis, don’t possess the upper body to aim and fire with any reliability, or are simply so afraid of guns that just having one near is unnerving to them.

    I hope they do ok. Such a bad way to bet your life.

    If they’re betting that the police can always arrive before the goblins have their way,, smart money is on the goblins.

  7. LC Mrs. M-ITT™ Comment by LC Mrs. M-ITT™

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    not everybody is comfortable with weapons.

    Well I will admit I wasn’t. M kept talking about getting another handgun after having been without one for several years. I wasn’t keen on the idea….and now…I have my own 9mil. And I LOVE IT. :jittery_tb:

  8. LittleRott84 Comment by LittleRott84

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    My mom is afraid of guns and made my dad get rid of his shotgun before they got married (he had for when he rarely went hunting with his uncle) because of an experience with one of her dad’s friends. When I move out, I’m going to buy a gun or maybe two- A handgun and an M-16A2 perhaps.

  9. Unregistered Comment by hawkeyesrock

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    If they’re betting that the police can always arrive before the goblins have their way, smart money is on the goblins.

    Which, of course, is why you should have goblin-kryptonite ADT stickers everywhere. :wink_wp:

  10. Unregistered Comment by LC Staci GBOR

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    “HAVE MERCY! Don’t shoot, oh terribly frightening ADT sticker, I’m running away as fast as I possibly can! I’m TOO YOUNG TO DIEEEE!!!!1!”

    LMAO

    Misha, you crack me up.

    not everybody is comfortable with weapons.

    I was like that with guns for awhile. I had a speargun in my home and one day, these two ghetto hounds were banging on my door in Coconut Grove saying, “Bitch, open this door or we’ll break it down”. I directed them to look at my window, where I poked out my spear gun, and told them I would use it. I hear one say, let’s get out of here, that bitch is crazy.

    After that, my attitude about ME owning a gun changed. I had alarm stickers and they did not care.

    But not having seen the latest, now I know I’m going to spew laughter after this post.

  11. DJ Allyn,  ITW Comment by DJ Allyn, ITW

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    Personally, I would rather have the perimeter of my house electrified. Step on the ground outside of my house if you aren’t supposed to be there? ZZZZZZZT!

    Then ADT can send along their pooper scoopers and clean up the mess, all the while I am still sleeping like a baby. Maybe ADT could leave a note on my door for me to see in the morning.

    After all, the goal is for me to get my uninterupted period of sleep, and not have to sweat the small stuff.

  12. sig94 Comment by sig94

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    I can attest to the relative uselessness of those alarms. An armed homeowner is the best defense against a home invasion. Thirty years ago there was a rather clear distinction between burglars and robbers. The burglars avoided confrontation. No more. The goblins are much nastier.

    And if the alarm does go off, it’s extremely likely that the cops ain’t gonna be there in time to save you. Not many people know this, but sometimes the location of the person monitoring the alarm is several thousand miles away.

    Lets take a scenario that I have encountered many times. You get a call and respond to an alarm, a possible felony in progress, call at 0200 hrs. You get there at 0204 hrs. and the scene is cold. The house is ransacked and there are no witnesses.

    The alarm was activiated as a motion detector was disturbed. The alarm guy calls the subscriber but no one answers. So the alarm guy then makes a long distance call to the 911 center in your city. They wait for a call taker to answer and are promptly put on hold because it is a busy night. And remember this, the alarm guy is making $10.50 an hour so hopefully he wasn’t rudely awakened after the alarm was buzzing for 15 minutes…

    The alarm guy listens to Barry Manilow music for 4 or 5 minutes before the call taker gets back to him. The alarm guy gives the information and the call taker puts it in the dispatch queue. It’s like a print spool; the call gets pushed up to the dispatcher based on the priority assigned to that call type.

    Now the dispatcher has to look at what’s going on as displayed in the monitor. An alarm call may not be a priority 1, let’s say it’s a 2. So it gets stacked behind the priority 1 calls until they are all dispatched.

    Then they look at the cars available to respond. If you live in a city, most likely there ain’t none. If you live out in the sticks, there may be a trooper or sheriff available, but he is 15 to 20 minutes away.

    Let’s say you live in the city. Based on some of my own time studies on police response (I did this for a police merger study) the cops will be there on the average within 4 minutes of getting the call. It’s a matter of geography, in cities there are more cops patrolling a smaller jurisdiction. Villages are similar because of the small geographic size. Town are bigger and it takes longer for their cops to get to a call. Sheriffs and troopers take the longest simply because their beats and jurisdictions are huge.

    The bottom line is this, at the very best response time there maybe a ten minute period from when entry is made to when the cop pulls up. Worst case scenario? A half hour to an hour.

    In twelve years on the road I only encountered a handful of alarms where the prep was actually in the permises. Every now and then I got the call when I was less then a block away and still the prep was GOA.

    The overwhelming majority of the alarm calls we got were false alarms. So many in fact, that an alarm registration fee was imposed and fines given to those homeowners who did not regulate their systems properly.

  13. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

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    I was kidding guys, I just wanted to see the reaction of the boss. It’s dead on as usual.

  14. sig94 Comment by sig94

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    The automatic computer generated calls from the alarm companies have greatly lessened the time lapse from the alert to the call to 911, but anything goes once it hits 911.

  15. Nixcell Comment by Nixcell

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    Heh, yeah. There is a radio ad for a furnace cleaning company down here where they play a mock “news broadcast.” In the “news” a house has been burnt down, and *insert the name of your wife or child here* was lucky to escape with only minor injuries.

    Class act.

  16. Unregistered Comment by manofaiki

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    Actually I thought the dumbest one was the one with the guy ‘jogging’ and he kneels down to tie his sneaker then gives a friendly ‘hey man’ nod to the man of the house as he drives off in the family car to go to work.

    The jogger then menancingly puts the hood of the oversize sweatshirt he’s wearing over his head and with a running jump KICKS THE FRONT DOOR IN.

    What’s the woman of the house’s response to this? Retreat to a safe room, lock the door and get out a gun while dialing a cell phone?

    Nope. While standing in the kitchen she turns and immediatley picks up the handset on the wall phone there.

    But she’s safe doing this you see, since at the sound of the alarm going off, the home invader who was brave enough to kick in the front door turns tail and runs for it.

    Uh huh. Right.

    These ads seem to imply that the first thing you do when the home security alarm goes off is run for a phone. Unfortunately they don’t go on to demonstrate self-defense techniques to use with the handset or phone cord in case the sound of the blaring alarm doesn’t cause the goblin to tuck tail and run.

    manofaiki

  17. JeepThang Comment by JeepThang

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    I like the stickers that say, “Security by Glock”… though I have an S&W (among others), it still bears the same unspoken promise.

  18. HoundOfDoom Comment by HoundOfDoom

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    but sometimes the location of the person monitoring the alarm is several thousand miles away.

    Yeah, like in New Dehli.

    I’ve always been of the mind that a perimeter of claymores is a Good Thing. And if someone broke in when my wife was alone? G_d help ‘em if they survived the shotgun. She’d probably go to work on their joints with the carving knife.

    I mean, the dog is always in need of chew toys.

    Having a 110# Shiloh Shepherd does give the occupants an edge. No ‘yip-yip-yip’ round here. More like WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOF accompanied by the sound of his front nails trying to tear through the window, door, or wall, whichever is closest to the intruder. Now that’s love.

    We love law enforcement around here, but reality demands that we have to take care of ourselves. Toe tags are for the goblins!

  19. LC Guido Cabrone Comment by LC Guido Cabrone

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    But she’s safe doing this you see, since at the sound of the alarm going off,

    If you kick in the front door around here, all you hear is “PING! Fault Zone Ten…rustle…(click).”

    (Assuming, of course, that you don’t hear the unmistakable sounds of the bones in your ankles crunching. Something about fire rated steel doors with steel frames lag bolted into the full dimension yellow pine studs seems to cause things like that to happen…)

    On a related note, how do you think the authorities would respond to using a Masai spear on in intruder? I’ve always wondered what that would look like. Of course, the hardwood floors WOULD be easier to clean than carpets…

  20. LC & IB FIAR Comment by LC & IB FIAR

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    DJ Allyn, ITW

    Personally, I would rather have the perimeter of my house electrified. Step on the ground outside of my house if you aren’t supposed to be there? ZZZZZZZT!

    Then ADT can send along their pooper scoopers and clean up the mess, all the while I am still sleeping like a baby. Maybe ADT could leave a note on my door for me to see in the morning.

    After all, the goal is for me to get my uninterupted period of sleep, and not have to sweat the small stuff.

    Is the world ending tomorrow? Because I just found myself agreeing with the resident Libtard.

  21. Unregistered Comment by DukeFenton

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    What’s with all the references to ‘goblins’ lately? Have you guys been sitting around watching LOTR again?
    :tongue1_tb:

  22. kwongdzu Comment by kwongdzu

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    My favorite signs are the ones posted at our local schools: No Guns Allowed On Premises .

    This is funny from so many angles. First off, the person who accidentally brings a gun in is not your problem and isn’t there to shoot up the place. Second, the person who is isn’t going to let some stupid sign stop him! If you are mighty lucky, the two events will align properly and the person who accidentally brought his gun will be able to take out the one who does so intentionally. Periodically, I see DARE officers or other patrolmen at the school. Are police supposed to leave their weapons at the secretary’s desk or stashed in their cars?

    Finally, I guess we are not supposed to think this through to a logical conclusion … it is a school, after all!

  23. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    My favorite signs are the ones posted at our local schools: No Guns Allowed On Premises .

    This is funny from so many angles. First off, the person who accidentally brings a gun in is not your problem and isn’t there to shoot up the place. Second, the person who is isn’t going to let some stupid sign stop him!

    Ain’t that the truth!

    But hey, I’m sure that psychos hell-bent on shooting up innocent kids will reconsider the very moment they see that “no firearms” sign.

    Still, it’s a good thing we have government. What else would we do with all of the drooling fuckheads unable to tie a pair of shoes? We have to put them somewhere. Might as well stick ‘em behind a desk and call them “civil servants.”

  24. LC & IB FIAR Comment by LC & IB FIAR

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    Signs don’t stop people from massacring school children? Are you sure?

    And here I was thinking that it made all the psychos stay away. Next you’ll be telling me that strongly worded notes of diplomatic concern don’t work either.

  25. LC Ranger 6 Comment by LC Ranger 6

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    You people simply have the wrong acronym.

    I have ADMD.

    A Damn Mean Dog that will bite your fucking balls off while I casually load my shotgun to put an end to your high pitched squealing that is disturbing the sleep of my wife and daughter.

    Now as soon as I find a Staffordshire Bull Terrier that can hold a mop to clean up the blood puddle, I’m going to patent it and market it to conservatives as the ultimate security system.

    We’ll pick up the other side of the market with self-deploying bodybags complete with leather rolls to bite on while being gang raped.

  26. ACLPoo Comment by ACLPoo

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    ADT’s token bad guy:

    White dude, in his 30’s wearing ball hat. I know they can’t show people of color or ethnicity, but can they not show someone with a little stank on him? The guys they use as burglars look like, well, security system commercial bad-guys. Their BMI is probably correct, and their teeth are probably just fantastic.
    I know about a dozen white dudes ugly/big/scary enough to convince your average TV watcher…

  27. LC Guido Cabrone Comment by LC Guido Cabrone

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    White dude, in his 30’s wearing ball hat. I know they can’t show people of color or ethnicity, but can they not show someone with a little stank on him? The guys they use as burglars look like, well, security system commercial bad-guys.

    Just for reference, Dennis Rader, (aka BTK), (of whom The Emperor has written), worked for ADT from November 1974 to July 1988…

    Something to think about, and which I personally doubt they will ever mention in their advertisements…

    (although it would be funny as hell if they did…)

    (Sorry, Boss. I tried to find your posts about BTK, (my first posting here!), but all I could find was one that I had posted a reply about him in. Sorry ’bout the lack of linkage there…)

  28. Michael Comment by Michael

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    Funniest one involves the man of the house leaving leaving the woman all alone with the Children when the Goblin kicks down the door and enters the house only to hear the alarm and run.

    In my little version, the Goblin enters the house, turns the corner to find the Lady of the Castle weilding a remington, complete with 00 buckshot. Suddently the scene shifts to the police congraulating her on Removing an oxygen theif from the genepool.

    (of course thats the family friendly version, the other has several bangs followed by the sound of reloading and a few more bangs, just to make sure.)

  29. Unregistered Comment by tweell

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    I think that we are corrupting the Imperial Tech Wizard! :) :) :)

    Unfortunately, the United States government does not agree that citizens can use lethal fences, et al. It’s hard enough to get permission for that kind of hardware for maximum security prisons.

    IMHO, although security systems have their place, I prefer a dog. Inmates I have talked to who admit to the home robbery gig say the security system signs just tell them to hurry up and take only the good stuff. Some had even had a security system put in their place so they could see how it worked. A dog is more than just a warning, and much less predictable than an alarm system.

    Those inmates said they would usually go elsewhere if they knew a dog was there. One made the point that pepper spray would take down any dog, and he always carried some, but he still tried to avoid dogs.

    Breed and attitude are key here - golden retrievers, much though I love them, will protect their people, but rarely will care about property. My mutt will protect both, and is a loving companion as well. She’s no rott (which are ideal in many ways, this website notwithstanding), but the wife didn’t want a dog that large. :(

  30. LC Mrs. M-ITT™ Comment by LC Mrs. M-ITT™

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    golden retrievers, much though I love them, will protect their people, but rarely will care about property. My mutt will protect both, and is a loving companion as well.

    Well if you want a dog that will be protective…don’t get a Sammy. Although it is possible to protection train one, it is very difficult. Samoyeds are very people oriented. They love EVERYBODY. Ours would open the door, invite the Goblin in and show them around. The only good thing is that she would immediately knock them flat on their backs and lick them to death.
    Heck..even our paranoid Siamese, who is convinced that we hide claymores in the carpet behind her back and hates us even after our having her for 10 years, loves the dog.

  31. ACLPoo Comment by ACLPoo

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    We use motion-sensing lights, and always keep a DVD on replay on the TV to make it look like someone’s home. Never had a problem…which is lucky, since here in Canadastan it’s really tough to get a pistol.
    I tend to go by unpopular rules about dogs:

    1. If your dog decides to lose it and go berserk and you can’t control it, then the dog is too big for you.
    2. Anything your dog does, YOU do. Dog mauls a child to death, YOU mauled the child to death. That simple. No ‘once-removed’ level of responsibility. 100% responsibility.

    These two personal laws go well with my most important and unpopular law:

    Anyone over the age of 12 who is found guilty of intentionally destroying/defacing gravestones/markers is to face the death penalty. Sobriety notwithstanding. Death penalty.

  32. JeepThang Comment by JeepThang

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    My piece on the “Gun Free Zone.. of Death”
    http://jedimeditations.blogspot.com/2006/10/gun-free-zone-of-death.html

    Please read it, you’ll be glad you did.

  33. Unregistered Comment by Bruce and his .45

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    OK…fianlly had to stop procrastinatin and register here when I read this one.

    Since fleeing the People’s Gulag of Marxachusetts, and buying a house in Free America, New Hampshire, I have receieved two sales calls from these ninnies at ADT.

    The first call came the week we moved in. Obviously they got our info from the registrar of deeds office.

    The caller went on to describe the great promotion they were running where new customers would get a vacation cruise and a new camera to take with them, complete with 100 rolls of film.

    I’m like, “film”?

    Are you shittin’ me?

    Then, just last night, they called again to sell me their new “talking” security system, citing the rise in home invasions and CO poisoning. I should have asked her if the alarm said anything like, “Attention, uninvited visitor. Take one more step toward the girls’ bedromm and you will the proud new recipient of five rounds of 00 buckshot to the midsection.”

    Instead, I simply told her that we don’t get many home invasions up here, because breaking into someone’s home in the middle of the night is a fantastic way to get yourself shot.

    I don’t think she was ready for that.

    Anyway, rant on, brother.

  34. DJ Allyn,  ITW Comment by DJ Allyn, ITW

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    Is the world ending tomorrow? Because I just found myself agreeing with the resident Libtard.

    What, do you think that “Libtards” don’t get burglarized too? Maybe putting a “Liberal” sticker in the window would prevent unwanted intrusions…

  35. LC MoMinuteMan Comment by LC MoMinuteMan

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    Bruce Sez:

    Then, just last night, they called again to sell me their new “talking” security system, citing the rise in home invasions and CO poisoning. I should have asked her if the alarm said anything like, “Attention, uninvited visitor. Take one more step toward the girls’ bedromm and you will the proud new recipient of five rounds of 00 buckshot to the midsection.”

    Instead, I simply told her that we don’t get many home invasions up here, because breaking into someone’s home in the middle of the night is a fantastic way to get yourself shot.

    I don’t think she was ready for that.

    I Don’t Care Who You Are, That’s Funny, Right There

    :lol_wp: :lol_wp:

    re: Tweel, Mrs. M, ACLPoo: My baby is half Chow and very territorial and protective, not very large but very loud, so my motto is, “Don’t mind the dog, Beware of Owner. Security by Ruger & Auto-5.”

  36. LC Mrs. M-ITT™ Comment by LC Mrs. M-ITT™

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    I’m thinking of making a sign for the front door that says:

    Don’t mind the dog. She’s just there to keep you occupied while the owner acquires the target.”

    *This message brought to you by the Law Offices of Smith, Wesson, Springfield, Bersa, and Remington.

  37. Xystus Comment by Xystus

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    19.

    On a related note, how do you think the authorities would respond to using a Masai spear on in intruder?

    In a case of true self-defense what would be the problem–especially if the gun you want is illegal?

    I’m not familiar with Masai hardware; among my collection are two ostensible Zulu assegais, one much shorter; no doubt there are certain advantages to either length, depending on circumstances. Of course even using such a weapon to defend yourself, in your own home, would probably be considered criminal in the Unhinged Kingdom!

    So far I have no experience in skewering offenders–but I have thought of it often enough. :evil_wp:

  38. Unregistered Comment by tradewind

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    You might very well see the worst liberal masturbatory fantasies about racist internment, nuclear war, and the crushing of dissent come true.

    A Beslan-in-Anerica would do that, you bet. And then the worst should be reserved for the useful idiots like, oh, Sey Hersh, or Ted Rall, i.e., when they write that ‘ Dubya Did it so he could round em up’.