…and then I’ll be off to exile in Brazil. Not to fulfill my life’s dream of finally forcing Gleen(s) Greenwald(s) to eat his sockpuppets, although I’m sure I’ll take time out for that while I’m waiting for the plastic surgery to be completed, but to hide out from hordes of angry Rotties.
You see, today is April 1st, a day known for… well, we all know what that day is known for, don’t we?
A few weeks ago, I realized that said day was drawing nigh and, in the best tradition of Empire, I needed to prepare the yearly prank. I was tiring a bit of the old Pink Bunny Template Gag, but I couldn’t really think of anything else. Until an unnamed co-conspirator came up with an idea so wickedly brilliant that my sick mind just couldn’t say “no” although, judging by the rustling of weapons being readied among the LCs assembled here, it might have been better if I had :wink_ee:
Why not set up a site run by an obsessive Moonbat, dedicated to harassing, well, myself? Imagine the fun until April 1st, when all would be revealed. Of course, my aforementioned sick brain, as it is wont to do, took this simple idea and ran wild with it. A good gag needs a climax, after all, and what better climax than for this unknown, hypothetical Nemesis to finally achieve what other Moonbats have had wet dreams about since this site went up, namely to shut down the Evil Right Wing Death Beast, once and for all?
And thus “Ian” the psychotic, obsessive, stereotypical Moonbat was born, with a little help from the unnamed co-conspirator.
Of course, for “Ian”, that is to say “me”, to get me shut down, he’d have to have some sort of credible leverage, such as a barrage of not-so-veiled death threats from yours truly and, for that to happen, “Ian” would have to be one singularly disgusting and obnoxious bastard. After all, nobody would’ve believed for a second that I’d go off on a frothing hyperbolic rant against some random nobody, just because. That would’ve stunk to high heavens and, as I found out, it’s damnably hard to get one by you guys. “Ian” had barely opened his mouth before people started wondering about him, and it didn’t get easier as the days went by.
So mustering all of the Moonbat offensiveness and deranged howling that are regular occurrences at places such as the Daily Kos and the comments section of the Huffington Post, “Ian” set out to be even more offensive than they are. Which is really fucking hard, I might add. Hard because it is hard to outdo them in insanity and outrageousness and even more hard because I had to take a long acid shower after every crazy “Ian” post, just to get the stench out. Actually, I’m not sure I’ve managed to get it quite out yet, and my skin is quite raw, let me tell you.
Writing that unutterable crap was, by far, the hardest part of keeping this prank going. But it wouldn’t have had a chance in Hell of working without it.
So “Ian” gradually built up his offensiveness as April grew nearer, until he crossed the one line that must not be crossed: He insulted our troops. And that was when he, that is to say I, got both barrels and then some. “Ian” of course went ballistic, whimpering about threats and swearing up and down that I’d go down for this, all according to plan.
So last night, an “official HM suspension notice” went up on the site, announcing that the site had been taken down for threats of violence etc. etc.
Of course, that’s when the whole damn thing blew up in my own conniving face. Karma really is a bitch, and beware ye who seek to dig a grave for others… You see, I hadn’t taken into account just how much offense you, dear readers, would take, nor had I taken into account how quickly Hosting Matters operate. Within minutes, which is why quite a lot of you probably never saw the official looking fake suspension notice but got diverted to the standard “Access Denied” screen that we keep for banned trolls, HM had taken down the fake page, started an investigation of the access logs, locked down access to the site and changed the password to make sure that the hackers, because that’s who they assumed were responsible, wouldn’t get back in.
If this had been a test of their commitment to site security, I’d say they passed with flying colors. I couldn’t believe how fast they were.
Of course, they informed me of all of this via secure email, which is when I realized that my, er, “clever” April 1st prank had blown up in my own face, and if this makes you all laugh out loud, then I can’t say as I blame you. I’d be laughing my ass of if I were you, thinking “serves him right.” Because I never meant for them to get involved, and I do apologize for any unpleasantness and waste of time I must have caused.
So I had to serve up a healthy helping of humble pie for myself and tell them what was really up, with an appropriate amount of groveling and pleading for forgiveness, and, as an everlasting testimony to their sense of humor, they graciously refrained from chewing my ass out. To be more specific: they thought it was hilarious. I can only hope that the rest of you feel the same or I shall be a resident of Brazil for quite a while :wink_ee:
Of course, on top of all of this, I also had to answer all of the wonderful supportive emails from all of you, G-d bless you all, get the site back up and running and put up a notice that Hosting Matters were in no way involved, which they weren’t. And thus the “hack” attack was born.
So, to all of you: Thanks for playing along, and I hope you’re not too offended to learn that His Majesty is an inveterate prankster. Well, at least on that one day of the year.
Thanks for all of the support as well. It was truly heartwarming, although I’m sure that you feel more like wringing my neck right now.
Also a big thank you for the beautiful, merciless, vicious smackdowns of not only “Ian” but even more so the real Moonbat trolls, “LC Hastings” and “Dwight” that were daft enough to be lured into the honey pot of Moonbat Madness that was “Misha Watch.” The truly brutal Fiskings you handed out over there were a thing to behold and it was quite the experience to be on the receiving end of them. No wonder trolls are so scarce on this site. I wouldn’t want to pick a fight with y’all, verbal or otherwise.
And finally, in case I still have a pulse in five minutes, a big thank you to all of you for your sense of humor. If not, then please not in the face. I want an open casket :wink_ee:
Alright, comments are open. Let me have it, and no holding back…