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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » I Guess They DID Know Something After All
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This episode of 24 actually managed to do something that the show hasn’t managed since, well, since CAIR and MoveOn.org took over script-writing duties, but I shan’t spoil the fun by letting you know just yet. Instead, let’s dive into another silly recap:

At the White House Bunker, everybody is watching the nuke that President Allstate Jr launched last week creep across the screen towards its target, a bunch of tents and a camel in Deliberately Unnamed ‘Stan™.

Spineless Toad is livid, once again telling Allstate Jr that Abu al-Brynner is NOT state sponsored and that the nation in which he trained and planned for years with absolutely no interference from authorities CAN’T BE HELD RESPONSIBLE. How Toady knows all of this for certain is a mystery, but perhaps it would be a smart thing for somebody to tell him to hand in his crystal ball. Either that or a private “conversation” with Jack might be in order.

Seeing that Toad Boy’s recital of every “Religion of Peace” talking point in the book isn’t gaining any ground with President Allstate Jr, Karen Pelosi runs off to whine at Bill on her phone.

“The President launched the missile strike, Bill!”, she shrieks.

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t trust the word of an ambassador to a country that has looked the other way for decades while terrorists planned their attacks inside their borders, but that’s just wild speculation, totally ungrounded in reality. We all KNOW that Islam is a Religion of Peace and that no terrorist-supporting country would ever, EVER lie to us. We’ve got to STOP this mad outburst of common sense, Bill!”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Can you tell me that al-Brynner has broken under interrogation, telling us where the suitcase nukes are?”

“Er, no. I just got done telling you that he hasn’t, didn’t I?”

“That’s not what I’m saying. Can you tell me that you have a solid lead, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no MORE?”

Obviously Bill isn’t as much into perjury and treason as his wife is, so he just repeats what he already knows, which is pretty much nothing. Frustrated that Bill isn’t prepared to lie and subvert the orders of the President in order to save Buttfuckistan from retaliation for their complicity, Karen Pelosi hangs up and wonders why she didn’t marry Michael Moore instead.

“Mr President, it’s only a matter of time before al-Brynner breaks down and provides us with all the information that we need, leading us directly to the nukes, so why don’t you just call off this strike?”, she says to President Allstate Jr.

“Because we’ve so far had about 1,226 instances of ‘let’s just wait and see, any minute now’ already this season? Because there’s still a smoking crater where Valencia used to be with us no closer to the location of the remaining nukes? Because it would be sort of anti-climactic for the show to have an ‘And They Lived Happily Ever After’ ending with about 8 hours still to go of the season?”

The phone rings. It’s Ambassador Raghead who, after hurriedly changing his underwear, is begging the President to call off the strike.

Magically, his government just remembered that yes, there is actually this high-ranking officer in their military’s central command who actually has been working closely with al-Brynner. Ha ha, isn’t it funny how that information just so happened to surface two minutes after the missile showed up on Buttfuckistan’s radars?

After he’s done telling Ambassador Raghead where he can stick his lame excuses and prevarications and that his government had better get to the bottom of this right quick, complete with updates, President Allstate Jr gives the order to abort. Oh, and the Ambassador had better show up at the bunker right this instant. Apparently President Allstate Jr is having a craving for pizza.

“Oh dear, they were lying to us. Imagine that! How could members of the single most tolerant and truthful religion in the entire history of the Universe ever lie to the infidel for temporary advantage?”, Spineless Toad mutters, while Khalil, Mahmoud & Mustafa, CAIR’s legal team, nod approvingly off the set. Karen Pelosi is just standing in a corner pretending not to be there while trying to come up with a fiendishly clever way of saying “I knew it all along”, failing miserably again.

We also learn that the missile was unarmed to begin with, which is really brilliant. Just imagine what would have happened if the government of Buttfuckistan hadn’t caved and the “strike” turned out to be a fizzle, aimed at an empty tent in the desert. THAT would surely have taught them not to mess with the U.S. of A.

Elsewhere, Jack is chatting with al-Brynner. Unfortunately for al-Brynner, Jack is using a customized version of sign language in which you communicate by beating out your words in Morse code on the listener’s face. With your knuckles. By the looks of al-Brynner, it looks like Jack has gone through half the Library of Congress by now, but al-Brynner isn’t talking, which may have to do with his face resembling two pounds of ground chuck more than anything else.

“Are you enjoying yourself, Bauer”, al-Brynner mumbles defiantly.

“Trust me, I haven’t even begun enjoying myself yet”, Jack answers while looking around for a blowtorch, a hacksaw and a nude picture of Helen Thomas.

Little Lord Fauntleroy, who has been watching the whole time, wants a go as well, but Jack won’t let him mess with his chew toy. Jack’s phone rings, and while Bill updates Jack with the new information about Buttfuckistan’s General Habib, Little Lord Fauntleroy sneaks over to have a chat with al-Brynner anyway. He tries to convince al-Brynner that his number two guy is going to blow up the two remaining nukes at a target that people actually care about (i.e. anywhere not in The Peepul’s Republik of Kalifornia) and steal all of the best virgins for himself. This doesn’t work either, which is no surprise to the rest of us. After all, it’s common knowledge that Islamists don’t get turned on by women. Had he mentioned goats, on the other hand.

Tired of the whole thing, Little Lord Fauntleroy decides to blow al-Brynner’s brains out. Jack tells him to lower his gun. They’re going to transport al-Brynner to CTU and use a “pharmaceutical package” on him. Great idea.

1) We all know what happens when CTU tries to transport anybody anywhere. They immediately get sprung by bad guys who magically know exactly where their captured friends are at all times. Must be an RFID device in their colons or something, or maybe it’s just piss-poor writers. Pick one.

2) We all know that if a “pharmaceutical package” were to actually work on 24, it would be the first time in the history of the show. But perhaps they’re going to pump him full of Vioxx this time and wait for him to have a heart attack.

At the White House Bunker, Spineless Toad is busy kissing President Allstate Jr’s arse, praising his leadership abilities and brilliant handling of the whole nuclear strike bluff. There’s more, but it’s hard to understand what he’s saying with his tongue so far up Allstate’s rectum that he’s tickling his gall bladder. President Allstate Jr finally, with the aid of a surgical team, manages to detach Spineless Toad’s lips from his buttocks and sends him on his way after trying, unsuccessfully, to get Toad Boy to tell him how he managed to get VP Neocon to drop his incompetency case.

On the road, terrorists appear in front of Jack and Little Lord Fauntleroy out of nowhere in an armored transport that they must have kept for just such an occasion. After a brief firefight in which both of them are hit and go down, al-Brynner is freed and he and the terrorists drive away.

And then, just as we’re all about to throw our remotes at the TV in disgust at yet another recycled to death plot device, Jack and Little Lord Fauntleroy rise from the dead. Turns out that the whole rescue was a trick, ha, and that al-Brynner is now in the hands of CTU agents pretending to be terrorists. Seriously, we didn’t see that one coming, which is a first this season.

In the “terrorist” truck, the leader Jamal is telling al-Brynner that they were sent by General Habib to rescue him and that he wants them to, you know, drive him to his men and the, you know, nukes. al-Brynner is suspicious, proving that he’s not quite as dumb as the writers think we are, and asks for a gun. Jamal hands him one and al-Brynner checks the magazine to make sure that those are real bullets in there.

Then he demands to talk to General Habib before he tells them anything about where he wants to go. The long-distance bills of those terrorists must be about the size of the GDP of Switzerland.

Bill calls President Allstate Jr, informing him that they need a call from Gen. Habib, right about now. Of course, since Gen. Habib is currently being “interrogated” by the government of Buttfuckistan, he might not be in much of a condition to speak to anybody, but Allstate Jr promises to do what he can. Considering the impressive audio editing skills of the Religion of Peace (for proof, see “bin Laden tapes, the”), it really oughtn’t be all that much of a problem.

Then, after Allstate Jr has a minor incident with his Dr Feelgood juices running low, he walks off to meet with the ambassador who has arrived after making a 15 minute trip in slightly less than 5. The ambassador slithers in, leaving a slime trail on the floor and proceeds to ceremoniously kiss Allstate Jr’s butt. President Allstate Jr forcibly removes his tongue from his rectum and tells him to sit down; there is business to be dealt with.

He tells ambassador Raghead about their predicament vis-a-vis al-Brynner, and is interrupted:

“You have al-Brynner?”, the ambassador says, trying very hard to hide his disappointment.

“Yes, we do, but we don’t have the toys that your government bought and paid for, and unless you get Habib to call al-Brynner right now, it doesn’t look like we’re going to.”

“I will gladly pass on your request through the prop…”, Raghead begins.

“Oops”, President Allstate Jr interrupts.

“Oops?”

“Nothing, really. It’s just that I suddenly remember that I forgot to tell our nuclear submarine to cancel the follow up strike scheduled to happen in… 30 seconds, and here I am, wasting time debating protocol with you. Oh well, it wasn’t much of a city anyway. You were saying?”

“What was al-Brynner’s phone number again?”

“Much better.”

“But Habib might not want to co-operate, so I can’t guarantee anything.”

“Can you ‘make’ him co-operate?”

“Such as?”

“Well, you could threaten to kill his family if he doesn’t.”

“Mr. PRESIDENT! Need I tell you that that would be a gross, barbaric violation of the Geneva Conventions?”

“I wasn’t aware that you’d heard of them over there in Buttfuckistan. What, with all the beheadings and such.”

Ambassador Raghead finally agrees to coercing Habib by aggressive questioning, rough handling and calling him “Mr. Bean” repeatedly.

Back at CTU, the writers have decided to waste some time with yet another meaningless side plot. This time it’s Milo the Easter Island Head being jealous because Token Arab Chick asked Little Lord Fauntleroy if he needed a band aid for his boo boo earlier. Fortunately, right before it becomes impossible to resist the urge to shoot the TV, Al Bundy interrupts the filler scene by telling the two of them to either go back to High School or shut up.

In the Terror Truck, General Habib finally calls, and all of the terrorists switch to talking Arabic all of a sudden, which is funny, considering that they’ve been talking perfectly good English (albeit with a ridiculously fake Arabic accent) up until now. Before we can get too confused by this the latest inconsistency in the show, we find out why when Token Arab Chick jumps in and starts translating over the radio. Finally the writers found a good reason for her to be on the show. Our Single Best Resource in the Fight Against Terrorism™ and all that.

Or maybe it’s just because CAIR forgot to translate that part of the script before sending it to Joel Surnow.

Also, Habib and al-Brynner are kind enough to keep their lines short and to include a few seconds of silence after each, so Token Arab Chick’s translation doesn’t overlap the dialogue. True team players, they are.

Habib scolds al-Brynner for having failed to blow up the nukes, and ends the conversation by telling al-Brynner to go see about his men and the bombs, “then call me back at this number and I’ll give you new orders.”

Funny, we weren’t aware that Caller ID works on long distance calls from Buttfuckistan to the US. Heck, it rarely works on domestic calls within the US. Those must be some wickedly cool phones that the terrorists are using.

Al-Brynner gives the order to move out, and the Terror Truck drives off with Jack and Little Lord Fauntleroy in hot pursuit. All we need to know now is how they’re going to fuck up THIS time, because we know they will.

Meanwhile, at the White House Bunker, President Allstate Jr is jonesing hard for another fix, so he kicks ambassador Raghead out and sends for Dr Feelgood, just before he passes out on the floor in front of Spineless Toad who immediately starts thinking about the best way of removing his lips from Allstate Jr’s arse and re-attaching them to VP Neocon’s ditto.

At the CTU, Token Arab Chick has found a problem. It would seem that General Habib, at some point during his chit-chat with al-Brynner, slipped in the Arab equivalent of “I’M IN A FLANK TWO POSITION!” by referring to a terrorist who’d been dead for two years as if he were still alive. Thus we’re alerted to the imminent recycling of the “cunning terrorist overcomes everybody and escapes in the last moment” plot device from previous seasons, a plot device that, at this point, is about as surprising as watching the sun rise in the east.

They pass on the information to Jack, who immediately decides to call Jamal in the Terror Truck to tell him as well. Just as Jack gets Jamal on the phone, the Terror Truck enters the obligatory 24 Standard Issue Radio Traffic-Proof Tunnel that always seems to pop up at times like these.

And sure enough, as Jack and Little Lord Fauntleroy enter the tunnel, they find the Terror Truck abandoned with everybody dead inside. Except for Jamal, who may be needed for next season. Not only has al-Brynner managed to draw his gun and shoot everybody inside before anybody could react (Fast Hand al-Brynner), he also managed to shoot the driver and then break through the cage from the cargo hold to the cab using only his teeth, gain control of the vehicle and park it neatly next to a door leading out of there.

Jack follows him and sees him commandeering a dump truck whose driver happened to be kind enough to hang around with the keys at 10:45 at night. Jack, thinking quickly (and remembering that he has an Amazing Stunt Quota to fill), runs after the dump truck and climbs under it as it drives off. Unfortunately, right after he lets Bill at CTU know that he’s in pursuit, but before he can tell him anything else, such as just how he’s in pursuit, he is cut off by the noise under the truck that, puzzlingly, has remained constant throughout.

Back at the Bunker, Dr Feelgood has arrived just in time to waste a few minutes explaining President Allstate Jr’s medical condition to the audience. President Allstate Jr demands another fix, but Dr Feelgood is flat out of “uppers” and, besides, he wouldn’t give him any anyway. He insists that the President must go to Medical or he will surely die which, understandably, doesn’t impress him all that much. He’s been dead once this season already, so what’s another time going to do to him? After all, if he croaks VP Neocon will be back in power and CAIR’s legal team will have FOX reanimate his corpse so quick that G-d Himself will be envious.

Elsewhere, al-Brynner arrives at the hideout with Jack, whose arms must be getting tired from hanging on to the undercarriage for so long.

Since Token Arab Chick isn’t there to show off her superior translating skillz, all of the terrorists switch back to speaking English among themselves. Subtitles are expensive, you know.

He tells his team that they’re packing up and leaving, and then it’s time to light up downtown Los Angeles with the two remaining nukes. At this point, numerous viewers across the country find themselves involuntarily rooting for the terrorists. He leaves one unfortunate guard behind, who is promptly rewarded for his service by having his neck snapped by Jack, who then follows the terrorists into Ye Olde Abandoned Terrorist Hideout Warehouse™.

After confirming that the nukes are there by getting a visual on a big neon sign above two suitcases clearly marked “Remaining Nukes”, Jack opens up with his +7 Glock of Awesomeness, taking out half a dozen terrorists with automatic weapons without breaking a sweat. Or emptying the magazine once, for that matter. But that’s alright. It IS Jack, after all. Just as only al-Brynner is left, his fifty round magazine finally runs out and he charges to kill him with his bare hands while al-Brynner empties his pistol as well, obligingly missing about four times at a distance of approximately five yards.

A glorious fight scene ensues in which laws of physics are broken (along with quite a few bones) and the antagonists remain stubbornly standing and fighting after sustaining several blows with various steel implements laying about, each one of which would have decked a Cape Buffalo in one. Finally Jack tires of the nonsense, wraps a steel chain around al-Brynner’s neck and hoists him up under the ceiling.

In the finest tradition of action movies, the backup team who have been following the dump truck thanks to Chloe’s Satellite-Fu and the fact that dump trucks usually don’t drive around doing 80 mph in the middle of the night arrive ten seconds later.

Little Lord Fauntleroy takes a look around him at the carnage, dead terrorists everywhere, and mutters “damn, Jack.”

“What?”, Jack gasps.

“Well, it’s just… You killed all the terrorists, the remaining nukes are right here… What the fuck are we going to do for the rest of the season?”

“I’m sure the writers will think of something stupid”, Jack answers.

And they do. Jack’s cell phone rings and, guess what, it’s St Audrey of the Enormous Proboscis on the other end. Yes, apparently she didn’t die in China after all and her nose will be around to haunt us for a few more hours. We miss the nukes already.

Before Jack and Her Noseness can talk, an Evil Chinaman grabs the phone and tells Jack to call him later. Oh, and if he makes any attempt to locate them, Nosey dies. Don’t tempt him like that, Evil Chinaman.

Tune in next week as Jack realizes that he’s flat out of gum and that nothing remains but to kick some Chinese ass.

At least there’s a chance that we won’t have to endure CAIR’s ham-fisted writing for the rest of the season.

8 Responses to “I Guess They DID Know Something After All”
  1. Sir Christopher Comment by Sir Christopher

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    a customized version of sign language in which you communicate by beating out your words in Morse code on the listener’s face

    “nobody does it, half as good as you…..”

  2. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    For the record, that episode and the ones before the soap opera family stuff were decent written, but the last month or so was pissing me off. Jeez. They need to fire the writers, start fresh, and just have Jack back to basics. No major plot like world takeover, not too many storylines to juggle, just do Jack going undercover, for an extended period of time and about to nailed by a CTU agent, new hot shot, and not know Jack is an op. Oh wait, the writers would have to rip off The Departed, but then again they rip off everything else…..

    But, go back to bases, do a less cumbersome case, more plausible, and hell, go for grit. It works for The Shield….

  3. MCPO Airdale Comment by MCPO Airdale

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Keifer Sutherland now has the ability to book his “band” on AlGore’s “World’s Biggest Rock Show” which will provide seed money to endow the “AlGore Foundation for Global Warming Prevention and Failed Presidential Candidate Financial Enrichment”.

  4. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Airdale, I thought that concert was full up? I mean Cheryl Crow, Kanye West, The Black Eyed Peas, etc….. aren’t they booked? Oh wait, the libs can always make room for anyone else, except differing viewpoints…..

  5. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Well, after the scriptwriters ripped off, in the past three weeks, Rain Man, The Fugitive (chasing the one-armed man) and now Die Hard (Say hello to your brother!), now Audrey finds herself in Big Trouble in Little China.

    So when does Kurt Russell show up? Now he’d make a believable partner for Jack. More so than Little Lord Fauntleroy…

    At least there’s a chance that we won’t have to endure CAIR’s ham-fisted writing for the rest of the season.

    No, but we’ll probably have to endure lots of whining, pissing and moaning from Asian-American activist groups over the atrocious fake Chinese accents. Especially from the lead Evil Chinese Agent Dude.

    I mean, “Hewwo Mistah Baweh?” Oh, please.

    I kept expecting the guy to offer Jack extra eggrolls as part of the daily special…

  6. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    No, but we’ll probably have to endure lots of whining, pissing and moaning from Asian-American activist groups over the atrocious fake Chinese accents. Especially from the lead Evil Chinese Agent Dude.

    I don’t think so. The Asian-American community isn’t exactly known for being a bunch of whiny, sippy cup-banging, feet-stomping pussies.

    Unlike another group I could mention.

  7. maxxdog Comment by maxxdog

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I believe it was a garbage truck.
    It’s still better than American Idiot. That’s an accomplishment. Sort of. Or not.

  8. BauerPower Comment by BauerPower

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    They need North Koreans at some point! Rip off Team America, that shit would be hilarious…..

    Kim Jong Il: Now you see, the changing of the worrd is inevitabre!
    Lisa: I’m sorry, it’s what?
    Kim Jong Il: Inevit, inevitabre.
    Lisa: One more time.
    Kim Jong Il: [shouts] Inevitabre! Things are inevitabrey going to change! Goddamnit, open your fucking ears!

    Or

    Matt Damon! Matt Da-mon, duhhhhhhhh…..