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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Chinese Take-Out
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Last week, Jack left Little Lord Fauntleroy in the middle of nowhere on his way to rescue St Audrey of the Nose from the clutches of the Evil Emperor Ming. As this week’s episode of “24″ opens, poor Fauntleroy is still stuck there, trying to flag down a car by standing in the middle of a highway in the middle of the night, waving his arms around and yelling like a banshee.

Now, we don’t know about the drivers in L.A., but you try that little stunt on the 75 around here and you’ll soon find yourself turned into the hood ornament of a Ford 250. Unless we see you standing there in your black outfit at an ungodly hour, of course. In that case, we’ll shoot you instead.

But luck favors the stupid, otherwise the population of L.A. would be zero by now, and eventually somebody hits the brakes.

“Get out of the car! I’m a federal agent and I need the vehicle”, Little Lord Fauntleroy shouts.

*BANG!!!*

Oops, forgot. We’re not in Texas.

Instead, the driver meekly lets this complete and utter stranger thwow him to the gwound forcefuwwy and steal his car.

For some reason, Jack failed to take away Little Lord Fauntleroy’s cellphone, so the first thing he does is to call Bill and tell him what an idiot he is. After assuring him that everybody knows that already, Bill tells him to continue to track Jack, courtesy of the bug on the circuit board. Of course, that won’t work for long. Jack promptly drives under a bunch of power lines to mess up the tracking signal while he pulls off the bug.

“But, that’s nuts!”, Chloe says.

“Makes perfect sense to me”, Al Bundy replies, “how else is he going to prevent us from tracking the bug?”

“No, not that. But doesn’t he know that driving around under power lines will give him cancer?”

Al Bundy rolls his eyes and goes off to see Bill.

At the White House, VP Neocon who, we just noticed, bears a striking resemblance to Joan of Arc’s father, but that’s irrelevant, is having a heart to heart with Spineless Toad, a task complicated somewhat by Toad Boy’s lips searching for traction all over his butt.

“OK, Tom, so tell me — would you STOP that for a second? — just what is your major problem with me?”, VP Neocon asks, kicking Toad Boy in the chest to knock him loose.

Toad Boy tumbles to the floor, his pursed lips making tortured sucking sounds at thin air, then composes himself and says: “Sir, I just thought that conspiring to commit perjury wasn’t a very Presidential thing to do, that’s all.”

“You haven’t been in politics for all that long, have you, Tom?”, VP Neocon says, sighing deeply, then adds: “but I still need to know if that tape of yours is going to be a problem in the future?”

“Oh, not at all, Sir. As a matter of fact, may I compliment you on your leadership in this our nation’s darkest hour?”, Toad Boy replies, repeating the exact words he told President Allstate Jr an hour ago before he fell into his second coma. “And, dare I say, your pants do not in the least bit make your butt look fat. Indeed it looks quite delici…”

“Enough already. So what was this whole deal with forcing me to resign then?”

“Oh, just one of that horrible weakling Allstate Jr’s crackpot ideas, sir. I had absolutely nothing to do with it. Well, other than telling him I had the tape and giving it to him, of course, but how was I to know that he would use it for nefarious purposes? It’s not like he had expressed a wish to get rid of you. More than three or seventeen times anyway.”

“So I can trust you to not flip sides again on me?”

Knowing that President Allstate Jr isn’t about to come out of his coma for quite some time, Spineless Toad nods, then throws himself at the Presidential derriere like Michael Moore at an all-you-can-eat donut buffet.

Meanwhile, Jack is calling Emperor Ming, telling him there’s been a change of plans and that they’ll have to set up the exchange his way instead.

“The CTU are on to us, and I know their satellite coverage, so you’re just going to have to go where I tell you to”, Jack says and Ming, who obviously was born yesterday, buys it immediately without a question. Jack tells Ming to meet him at an abandoned motel, alone, and to bring some beef and shrimp fried rice as well.

“Not farring for that one again, Jack”, Ming says sternly, then hangs up and tells St Audrey to put her nose-sling on and get ready to move.

VP Neocon is hissing at Spineless Toad and Karen Pelosi, telling them to find Bauer “or ELSE!”, then throws them out of the Oval Office. His assistant, Blondie Lewinsky, is left behind, wanting to know if there’s anything else that the VP needs.

“Well, I have the fate of the Western World in my hands, a rogue agent is about to start a war with the Russians unless I can stop him, so… Why don’t you go put on your blue dress while I find my cigars?”, he grunts, grabbing her forcefully and tickling her tonsils with his uvula, letting us know that the writers, having run out of plots to recycle, are now resorting to recycling Democrat presidencies. Blondie Lewinsky runs off to pick up her blue dress and the stain remover.

Elsewhere, Bill is telling Little Lord Fauntleroy that we’ll have an international incident on our hands if Jack manages to give the chip to the Chinamen, just in case any of the viewers missed that detail the other 459 times it’s been mentioned in the last hour or so of the show. Little Lord Fauntleroy reminds him that he DID listen the other 459 times, then jumps out of the car and starts working his wicked Indian tracker skills on the tire tracks from Jack’s car.

“Looks like he’s driving a pickup truck”, he says.

“We know that. You were driving it up until about 15 minutes ago, remember?”, Bill replies.

“Hush, paleface, or there will be heap big trouble! He also was headed East. How’s that for mad tracker skillz?”

“Considering that it’s one of only two choices unless his truck suddenly sprouted wings and that the other direction would’ve led him to run over you…?”

Little Lord Fauntleroy ignores them and sacrifices a chicken, then throws a handful of bones on the ground. “What’s up ahead, paleface?”

“Two state routes, 305 and 98…”, Token Arab Chick begins.

“Wait, don’t tell me! I see it. Great warrior Runs with Manpurse is coming upon a fork in the road. Am I right? Wait, I’m sensing something… I see two numbers, ‘305′ and ‘98′… I sense that great warrior Runs with Manpurse will choose one of the two roads. Got satellite coverage?”

“No, the radiation from the bomb in Valencia is the magic kind that blocks cameras, but there are cameras on the 98 we can check”, Token Arab Chick replies.

“Great warrior Runs with Manpurse would know about that. He knows the location of every single camera in the area in spite of having been in a Chinese prison for years, his guardian spirit told him, so he must be on the 305.”

Token Arab Chick runs off to tell Chloe to cover the cellphone towers along the 305 to catch any communications between Jack and Ming.

“How does Little Lord Fauntleroy know that Jack’s on the 305?”, Milo the Easter Island Head asks her.

“He’s brilliant. Also, he read the script.”

Chloe sets out to decrypt the phone conversations from the last 15 minutes while the ACLU gets ready to file a lawsuit for violating the civil rights of rogue agents about to start WWIII and sends some of the data to Al Bundy.

“Hey! I’d almost cleared level 18 of Galaxians when you overwrote my screen with that crap!”, Al Bundy exclaims.

“Sorry. I just needed some help so I sent some of the data to you.”

“You could’ve told me first. I mean, you ARE sitting right bloody next to me, you know.”

“Well, that’s how I did it, so there.”

“Are we a bit hostile?”, Al Bundy asks.

“No I’m not. And, besides, it’s not my fault. You pushed me.”

“Oh, it’s my fault now?”

“I never said it was all your fault, just 50% of it. Well, 57.786%, really… See? You never listen to me!”

“…?”

“Stop looking at me like that! You don’t love me!”

“Is it that time of the month again, dear?”

“Sexist pig!”

“Listen, you’re obviously not acting rationall…”

“Says who? You? I wasn’t the one arming nukes for terrorists!”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean that. Besides, you hurt my feelings…”

Al Bundy walks off, thanking his Maker that the divorce was finalized ages ago.

At the White House, Karen Pelosi gets a call telling her that some weasel from the Dept of Justice is waiting for her in her office. When she gets there, it turns out that Spineless Toad’s assistant from earlier, the guy involved in the assassination plot, has decided that he doesn’t much like the thought of being executed and has spilled the beans about Karen Pelosi’s little cover-up about how Bill released Abu al-Brynner two years ago when they had him in custody. The story that Spineless Toad used to get Karen Pelosi to resign at the beginning of the season.

“So?”, DoJ weasel asks.

“Listen, it was nothing. Nothing inappropriate at all. We had al-Brynner, we didn’t have enough evidence, the ACLU was smelling blood, so we let him go. There was no cover-up.”

“Which, of course, is why you buried the file at the bottom of an old archive detailing office supply purchases from 1937.”

“Hey. It was the closest place I could find!”

“At the bottom of Cheyenne Mountain?”

“Listen, I know what it looks like, but it’s not what you think it is.”

“So if it was all that innocent, then why did you resign to keep it secret?”

“…er… for the good of the country? Because it certainly wasn’t to protect my own ass.”

“OK, let’s cut the bull, Karen. You know damn good and well that somebody is going to have to answer for this mess. 13,000 dead isn’t just something you sweep under the rug, so our job now is to make sure that some dumb shmuck who had nothing to do with it gets to pay That’s how it works. We need a scapegoat or, failing that, we need somebody to steal the evidence by stuffing it down his pants and accidentally shredding it. That one has been tried already, though, so we have to think of something else. Main thing is, we can’t have the responsible parties held to account. That’s just not the way it’s done in politics or, next thing you know, people will start expecting accountability from all of us.”

Karen Pelosi asks for a few minutes and walks off to talk with Spineless Toad.

“Oh, I see”, Toad Boy says, “so it’s down to who gets to take the fall now. You or Bill…”

“But, it’s not just that. There’ll be hearings, endless articles in the New York Times, commissions, inquiries, LIVES WILL BE RUINED, mine first and foremost, and all because we made a silly little mistake releasing a terrorist who later murdered a piffling 13,000 people and then proceeded to cover up the fact.”

“Oh don’t be silly, Karen. We’ll put you on the commission, thus keeping you away from the witness stand and then we’ll just have to throw Bill under the bus as a sacrifice. Hey, problem solved! Haven’t you learned anything while you’ve been here?”

After resisting several seconds of ruthless convincing, Karen finally agrees that she’s the most important person in the world and that it’s perfectly reasonable for her to call hubby and tell him that he has to take one for the team. Well, her, but that’s irrelevant. After all, if she doesn’t remain in her post as NSA, then the Constitution will be shredded, WWIII will break out and the terrorists will have already won.

While Karen Pelosi is getting ready to fire Bill, Jack is getting ready to blow up the abandoned motel, setting up booby traps everywhere. Before Ming can arrive, Jack calls Bill’s private number, leaving a message on his answering machine, letting him know that he loves him (in a strictly manly fashion) and that all of that silliness about turning him over to be killed by terrorists is all water under the bridge. Oh, and to take care of Audrey. Be sure to water her nose at least twice a day.

At CTU, Al Bundy hands over a request for transfer to Bill.

“Right now? It’s not something that can, say, wait until we’ve fixed this minor issue about the Russians declaring war on us unless we stop Jack from handing the Chinese the key to their entire defense system? Like, I don’t, know to-fucking-MORROW, perhaps?”

“No sir. This is urgent. Chloe is being mean to me again.”

Bill sighs… “Listen, would somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on here? I’ve got Token Arab Chick running around pissed off that one of my head agents, Little Lord Fauntleroy, happened to follow protocol and interrogate her, one of my chief analysts, Milo, is following Token Arab Chick around like a whipped puppy, trying to dry hump her leg every chance he gets, my wife calls me every five minutes to whine about somebody in the White House not showing her proper respect, and now my two best analysts in Comms are having a catfight over what? That you didn’t leave the fucking toilet seat down? What is this? High School Musical???.”

“Sir…”

“No, shit, forget about it. Here’s what we’ll do: I’ll transfer you to the janitorial pool, I’ll have Milo neutered, Chloe’s workstation will be moved to a closet where she can’t get on anybody’s nerves, Token Arab Chick can take over CTU and I’ll go drink my fucking brains out. Happy now?”

Al Bundy nods and leaves and the phone rings. It’s Karen Pelosi.

“Honey, didn’t you say that you always wanted to be a stay-at-home dad?”

“Sweetie, we don’t have any kids.”

“Hey, it’ll be even easier that way, won’t it?”

“Listen, I’m just about to hit the bars anyway, so let’s cut to the chase here: Are you suggesting that I resign?”

“No, not at all. I’m firing you.”

“Any why, pray tell?”

“Well, it’s this whole Abu al-Brynner thing from two years ago.”

“Oh, you mean the case that you buried as deeply as you could within the filing system so that nobody would ever find out about it?”

“Well, yes, but it’s your signature on the paper, dear.”

“I know that, but I wasn’t the one who tried to cover up a perfectly innocent case, remember?”

“Listen, honey, it’s just that I have to cover my ass, I mean I have to protect the President. Yes, that’s it. It’s all for the good of the country.”

“The President who is currently in a coma and nobody knows if he’ll ever wake up again, right? Or are we talking about the acting President who hates your ass and will kick you out of office the first chance he gets, because I’m a bit confused here.”

“Would you QUIT confusing me with logic? It’s not like it’s the end of the world or anything.”

“No. It’s only the end of my career, not to mention that I’ll be forever known as the man who was responsible for the deaths of 13,000 civilians. Somehow I don’t think that will look all that impressive on my resume.”

“Would you quit putting yourself first all the time and start thinking about somebody other than yourself? That’s MY job!”

Bill hangs up and wonders if it’s still too early to catch a flight to DC so he can strangle her.

Out in the boonies Little Lord Fauntleroy is busy trying to find Jack in the middle of nowhere with no leads to go on, but catches an amazingly lucky break when it turns out that Jack left his big, black pickup truck in plain view of the road. How very considerate of him. Well, it would have been, if it hadn’t been for the fact that it was in the script.

At CTU, Bill is leaving and catches Token Arab Chick on his way out the door. He pulls her into an empty room and tells her that he’s stepping down as director and that he’s handing over the keys to her now. You know, the chick with the restricted security clearance due to her ethnicity who, hours earlier, was being interrogated about possible connections to terrorists.

“That doesn’t make sense!”, Token Arab Chick protests.

“Amen”, every viewer of the show shouts at the screen.

After having told her that he can’t tell her anything and that he has suddenly acquired the power to lift all limitations on her clearance, a power that he didn’t have earlier when they were put in place, he bids her goodbye and leaves.

Token Arab Chick calls everybody to attention and tells them what happened and that she’s acting director now, then kicks Easter Island Head off of her leg again, adding “and no more of that, you perv!”

Little Lord Fauntleroy calls in, letting them know that he’s going to check on all of the dilapidated, empty buildings to see if he can find Jack, just as a limo pulls up.

“Either somebody’s really slumming, or I think that we’re in the right location. Send all of the backup teams to where I am.”

For some reason, nobody thought of keeping them in the neighborhood of Little Lord Fauntleroy until now, so it’ll take a while for them to get there but, then again, this is CTU we’re talking about.

Emperor Ming walks into the abandoned motel.

“That’s far enough”, Jack says.

“Mr Bauer. I blought your flied lice”, Emperor Ming says.

“Ha! Got you again!

Emperor Ming mumbles an ancient Chinese curse under his breath.

“Get Audrey in here, or I’m not handing over the chip.”

“Werr, since I obviousry can’t just kirr you and take it from you anyway, it’s not in the sclipt after arr, I’d best compry”, Ming says and calls his men, telling them to bring Audrey in.

Jack takes the gag out of Audrey’s mouth and immediately realizes that something’s wrong with her since she doesn’t immediately start yakking her head off. He holds her closer and whispers:

“Go down the road until you reach a gas station where a cab will be waiting for you with instructions to take you to CTU.”

As Audrey leaves the building, Little Lord Fauntleroy decides that it’s time for him to do something, field teams or no field teams. Besides, if he doesn’t do something such as storming a position while woefully outgunned, there’s a chance that everything will work out and then what are we going to do with the last four hours of the season?

Just as Jack throws the circuit board to Emperor Ming, Little Lord Fauntleroy starts shooting and all Hell breaks loose which, in 24 terms, means “a lot of killing happens and the Bad Guy gets away.” More specifically, Emperor Ming escapes with the chip to three Hummers that he’s managed to discreetly sneak into the area while the cameras weren’t looking, then they all race off, stopping only to shoot down the only CTU chopper in the area.

Jack, after almost getting shot by his own, is mightily pissed off.

“What the fuck were you doing? I had it all set to blow Ming and myself up when you started re-enacting the Charge of the Light Brigade and scared them all off.”

“You’re damn straight I did”, Little Lord Fauntleroy shoots back, “you didn’t really think you were going to get out of your contract with FOX that easy, did you? And leave me all alone to suffer the Screenwriters from Hell? Think again, pal. If I have to be humiliated by those twits on a weekly basis, I’m not doing it alone.”

“Screw you”, Jack replies, just as Audrey is let back in, muttering “help us, Obi-wan Kenobi, you are our only hope…*scratch*…help us Obi-wan Kenobi, you are our only hope…*scratch*…help us Obi-wan Ken…” over and over again.

“Oh great. Now the moron writers have made St Audrey lose her friggin’ mind as well”, Jack grumbles.

“And given her the best line in the entire show as well”, Little Lord Fauntleroy adds.

“Just shoot me already.”

“Not a chance, mate. Not a chance.”

Tick…tock…tick…tock…

6 Responses to “Chinese Take-Out”
  1. Lc Scott Comment by Lc Scott

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    “you didn’t really think you were going to get out of your contract with FOX that easy, did you? And leave me all alone to suffer the Screenwriters from Hell?

    :lol:
    First!

  2. MCPO Airdale Comment by MCPO Airdale

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    And Keifer removes his, “Free Tibet” bumpersticker having discovered that the new Iraqi oil contracts went to the Chinese Communists.

  3. franksalterego Comment by franksalterego

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I just can’t help wondering, when the extortionist Toad Boy will end up like Vince Foster.

  4. MuscleDaddy Comment by MuscleDaddy

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    …take care of Audrey. Be sure to water her nose at least twice a day.

    …just be careful not to get any in her eye - that would sting.

    Hmeh.

    (you guys are a bad influence)

    - MuscleDaddy

  5. Unregistered Comment by Habu

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Bauer’s gone rogue !!!

    Someone’s loved one is being held hostage

    God I love it so

  6. Unregistered Comment by skh.pcola

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    That’s almost exactly as the show actually happened, except Audrey inexplicably turns into a mute retard incapable of recognizing Bauer right at the end of the show. That didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense.

    Y’all do know that you can watch past episodes at http://www.myspace/fox , right? While you are there, studiously avoid watching any Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader, since half of the questions are utter bullshit. I guaran-fucking-tee that I didn’t learn what the most common first name for US presidents is when *I* was in the 2nd grade.