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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Jack and the Cat Lady
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Welcome to another day of endless 24 recapping, trying desperately to improve on the writers’ sloppy work by making the show appear deliberately funny. Which, considering the levels of unintentional humor we’re up against here, is really hard work indeed.

As the show opens, a CTU agent is standing next to a 12 foot tall heap of explosives, asking Jack if that was all the C4 that he used to booby trap the building with. Jack assures him that it is and tells the agent to not forget the whoopie cushion he left on Emperor Ming’s chair either. It has great sentimental value to him.

Little Lord Fauntleroy, meanwhile, tries to interrogate St Audrey of the Penile Proboscis, but all he gets from her are endless repetitions of “help us, Obi-wan Kenobi, you are our only hope…” Unable to find her restraining bolt, he sighs and walks away.

Token Arab Chick, now the acting director of CTU, has found the ring binder containing CTU Standard Operating Procedures and flipped it open to page 37, “what to do when pursuing escaping terrorists.”

“Turn on the sat scans that we were unable to use 30 minutes ago due to radiation, crank Chloe’s frown and scowl to ‘11′ and set up a 5 mile perimeter around the last known location of Emperor Ming”, she says into the intercom, adding “and make sure that you don’t actually catch him, because the manual has no instructions on what to do if that happens.” The reason for that being, obviously, that perimeters and sat scans haven’t once, throughout 6 seasons of the show, led to the capture of anybody.

“She’s already at maximum capacity, Cap’n, she’s gonna blooooow”, Scott answers, then realizes that he’s on the wrong show and runs off the set.

Al Bundy enters the office, and Token Arab Chick wants to know why he wants a transfer.

“I just can’t work with my ex-wife anymore”, he says, “she’s insane!”

“Listen, Al, if I were to grant a transfer to anybody making that observation, there’d be nobody left around here except for her and the unfortunate computer she’d be scowling furiously at”, Token Arab Chick replies.

“But Bill said…”

“Do you see Bill around here anywhere? Because I don’t. Request denied. Anything else you want to say?”

“Oh yeah…”, Al Bundy says, then wanders off sulking like mad.

The phone rings. It’s Little Lord Fauntleroy wanting to tell Token Arab Chick what they’ve learned, which is nothing at all. Actually, what he does want to tell her is that he’s feeling guilty that he stopped Jack from blowing himself up.

“And just how do you think FOX would’ve reacted if you’d let somebody they have a multi-year contract with blow himself out of the script?”, Nadia asks.

“Well, but the Evil Chinamen got away with the component as a result!”

“We still have four episodes left to fill, remember?”

Little Lord Fauntleroy hangs up and prepares to transport Jack and St Audrey back to CTU. Outside, he is confronted by Jack, who wants to talk to Audrey.

“You’ve already seen what condition she’s in, Jack, it’s not like she’s going to talk to you or anybody else.”

“You’ve obviously never seen me interrogate anybody”, Jack replies with an evil grin. Shuddering, Little Lord Fauntleroy tells Jack that he’s still under arrest and that they need to get back to CTU.

At the White House, Karen Pelosi is telling VP Neocon that they’ve released all resources to the hunt for Emperor Ming and that they’ve passed the order to close the borders.

“Close the borders? The twits in charge of that can’t even keep out illegal al…”, he’s interrupted by a FOX lawyer accompanied by a La Raza executive, who hand him a new copy of the script. VP Neocon picks up again: “The twits in charge of that can’t even keep out migrant workers who are hard-working, honest people just looking for a part of the American dream doing the jobs that no Americans will do, the lazy indigenous bastards, while enriching our evil, capitalist, racist, narrow-minded society with the wonderful family values so common in Tijuana… SI SE PUEDE! VIVA MEXICO!, and now they expect to keep somebody from leaving the country?”

Behind him, a Mariachi band enters the set and starts playing as the Mexican flag rolls down in the background while the FOX PC Police nod approvingly off the set.

“Well, it’s actually more a question of making it a bit more difficult for him to leave, sir”, Karen Pelosi says, “not to mention that it’ll be invaluable when he eventually escapes and a — er — a bipartisan committee is formed to establish why he did so and who knew what and when did they know it, blah, blah, blah… It’s not like we’re actually trying to accomplish anything here. We are the government, after all…”

“Of course. Wouldn’t want to set a precedent for meaningful action”, VP Neocon says and signs the papers. “Tell me, by the way, how did Bill take it when you fired him?”

“Not well.”

“Well, I appreciate your sacrifice. Even though, of course, you didn’t actually sacrifice anything at all. That was the whole point in making your husband the fall guy, after all.”

Spineless Toad enters, telling them that they have the Russian President Subaru on teleconference.

Elsewhere, VP Neocon’s assistant, Blondie, is meeting up in a motel room with her other lover for a quickie before she has to go back to the White House and screw VP Neocon’s brains out. It’s hard out there for a ho. In a particularly clumsy bit of exposition, we learn that loverboy is a lobbyist who is apparently screwing Blondie in return for her using her influence to push his domestic spending agenda. Who knew? Apparently pork barrel spending is really a result of horny blond bombshell assistants desperate for a bit of horizontal action between the sheets. Somewhere in the afterlife, our disbelief picks up an astral shotgun and shoots itself in the head.

After this, we return to the White House where President Subaru and VP Neocon are preparing for a bit of ceremonial saber rattling.

“How can I help you, President Subaru?”, VP Neocon starts.

“Some troubling news have been brought to our attention. Something about a chip containing codes to our defensive systems being in the hands of a Chinese agent.”

“Oh, you mean the chip inside the Russian suitcase nuke that a Russian general smuggled into my country with the assistance of a Russian consul as well as several unknown other Russians? Gee, President Subaru, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, but I’ve been too busy because of all of the dead bodies left behind in my country as a result of this Russian fuckup”, VP Neocon replies.

President Subaru gets all flustered and tells VP Neocon that he doesn’t care. If VP Neocon don’t capture Emperor Ming before he escapes with the chip, Russia will declare war on the United States.

How this is going to help them with the Chinese nobody knows, but characters on 24 never were any more logical than the writers who write their lines. Also, how the Russians and their decayed, defunded military are going to handle an all-out military conflict with the United States without ending up glowing in the dark very quickly is a mystery as well.

After President Subaru hangs up, VP Neocon wants to know how the Russkies found out. Spineless Toad hands him a copy of the New York Times, its front page blaring “VP NEOCON TO GIVE CHINESE RUSSIAN SECRETS” in enormous type, all in the “public’s best interest” of course.

“But we need to know who the ‘anonymous source in the Administration’ is”, VP Neocon points out, and Spineless Toad promises that he’ll be right on it.

Finally, after 20 episodes, the Obligatory Season Mole™ on 24. We were beginning to get worried here.

Out in the boonies, Emperor Ming is enjoying a bit of off-roading in his Hummer while uploading the component’s data to one of his co-conspirators. How clever of them. They’ve actually discovered a way of wirelessly transferring digital content without having to leave the country! We think it’s called “the Internet”, but we’re not quite sure. Of course, there’s a snag. The information is corrupted and they need to “find somebody who can override the security protocol” in order to get to it.

And, as we all know, even a superpower like China is incapable of finding such a person outside of L.A. They only have a bit over a billion people in China, after all, and what are the chances of finding a hacker in such a limited population? Thankfully for them, we already know where they can pick such an “expert hacker” up, thanks to the CTU and their well-known “employees available for kidnapping 24/7″ program. Question is, how long will it take for the writers to recycle that plot device as well?

Not very long, is our guess.

At the motel, assistant Blondie and Rasputin have finished their 8 minutes of Passionate Lovemaking and Blondie heads off for the shower. While she’s in the shower, Rasputin runs off to download all of her ripped mp3s from her PDA. Oh, and her emails as well. Once done, he calls a Mystery Man who turns out to be a Russian spy whom we shall name Igor for no good reason at all. Here, the show’s writers actually manage to reveal something to us mere minutes after we’d already figured it out for ourselves which, given the quality of this season so far, is actually quite an accomplishment.

Of course, the number of minutes it took for the show to catch up with what we’d already guessed happens to be the exact same number as the number of minutes since VP Neocon found out that they had a mole. But still…

At CTU, Chloe catches up with Al Bundy and we have a long, emotional scene where Al patiently tries to explain that teasing somebody with being the go-to guy for terrorists needing their nukes armed pretty much guarantees that the possibility of a future romantic relationship is out of the question. But hey, if she insists, he’s still open to a quick blowjob in the parking lot.

Let’s see… Al failed previously when he armed the nukes for the terrorists and we all know that this means that he’ll have to heroically redeem himself at some future point, most likely dying in the process. Now we find out that the Chinese are in need of “somebody” to help them out with the chip, somebody with a flair for technology and bypassing security protocols and we have a teary-eyed scene where he says goodbye to his old true love. Yep, you might as well go find your armor now, Al, and would somebody for the love of G-d please quit playing “Siegfried’s Death and Funeral” in the background? It’s driving us nuts!

Karen Pelosi is on the phone with Token Arab Chick, updating her on the impending WWIII unless they find Emperor Ming. Token Arab Chick wants to know why Karen Pelosi fired Bill and Karen, not wanting to admit that she threw her husband under the bus in order to save her own ass, replies that “she’s not at liberty to discuss it”, then she hangs up.

Token Arab Chick runs off to meet Dr Mengele, the “specialist” that division has sent in to, er, “interrogate” St Audrey. He looks rather dashing with his long black boots and monocle. Snapping his riding crop against his boot, Dr Mengele informs Token Arab Chick that he needs to start interrogating St Audrey right away.

“Yes, I realize that we’re under a bit of a time crunch here”, Token Arab Chick answers, “we’re prepping her in Medical right now.”

“Danke, Fraulein, I haff a terribly important meetink in ze Bondage Society to attend to within ze hour”, he replies and heads off to Medical and starts to examine St Audrey.

Little Lord Fauntleroy is escorting Jack off to Holding 3, cuffing him to the chair while Jack keeps insisting to see Audrey, then he goes off to join the fun in Medical. Dr Mengele is done with his examination and informs Token Arab Chick and Little Lord Fauntleroy that Audrey is unresponsive, but that the hologram that she beams out of her left eyeball is kinda neat.

“So what do we do?”, Token Arab Chick asks.

Dr Mengele chuckles. “Vell, ve do haff other methods, Fraulein, und I intend to start on zem right avay.”

“What methods, Dr?”

“Ohhhhh… Ve’ll just pump her full of ze drugs und, if ve’re lucky, she von’t croak on us before she speaks. At any rate, it vill be a frolicking good time, I assure you.”

Little Lord Fauntleroy suggests that they let Jack see her first. Dr Mengele is very unhappy with having his torture toy taken away from him and protests, claiming that having Jack nearby will make her even less responsive.

“Maybe. But it won’t kill her”, Little Lord Fauntleroy responds.

“You obviously don’t know ze Jack Bauer like I do”, Dr Mengele replies, “but, at any rate, it’s not for you zu decide. I haff been given full authority, und I shall prozeed whether you want me to or not!” He walks off to find his hacksaws, syringes and scalpels. Little Lord Fauntleroy is upset with Token Arab Chick for not standing up to Dr Mengele, but she claims that it’s out of her hands, that he has jurisdiction and that she is only follovink orderz. Amazing how quickly she’s picked up a German accent.

At the motel, Blondie receives a call from VP Neocon ordering her to hurry back. Rasputin asks her what’s going on and she replies “I don’t know.” As soon as she’s out the door, Rasputin calls Igor to let him know that he doesn’t know what’s going on. Oh, and to make sure that the freshly installed FBI wiretap manages to record something so that VP Neocon will have a bit of evidence later, but that’s the writers’ decision.

At the White House, Spineless Toad has identified the leak. He has also found out that the leak is sleeping with Blondie, which is who he’s getting the info from, and VP Neocon doesn’t look none too pleased when he’s told.

“Dammit, Tom, it’s worse than I thought. You see, I’m sleeping with her too!”

“So what? Half the White House staff is. Heck, I did her in the hall closet not 37 minutes ago, right after she got done with the White House dog. Oh, and a while ago, while I was checking to see how President Allstate was doing in his coma, I saw her slipping out of ICU as I arrived, and let’s just say that the unusual shape I noticed on President Allstate’s bed sheet wasn’t because he was happy to see me…”

“Dammit! What do we DO?”

“I’d say a heavy dose of penicillin would be in order, unless you’re already on it.”

“No, dammit, I mean about her!

“Oh, I think I have an idea…”, Spineless Toad says, leaning forward conspiratorially.

Little Lord Fauntleroy is back at Holding 3, telling Jack what’s going on with Dr Mengele. He uncuffs Jack, then turns his back on him and says “make it look good.”

Jack gets up and puts his arm around Little Lord Fauntleroy’s neck, squeezing gently. Just as he’s about to lose consciousness, Jack leans close to his ear and whispers “I wish I knew how to quit you.” He then opens the door and knocks the shit out of the guard, picking up his gun. After knocking out a few more guards, Jack arrives in Medical and starts choking Dr Mengele. “What have you done with her?”, he yells. “Nothing”, Dr Mengele answers. “Must be your lucky day”, Jack hisses, throws Dr Mengele into a corner and runs off with Audrey.

Dr Mengele sets off the alarm and an annoyingly loud klaxon goes off, causing everybody to run around like chickens with their heads cut off, as per standard CTU protocol. After the obligatory five minutes of running around aimlessly (which just so happens to fit with a commercial break), Al Bundy gets started on locating Jack and Audrey on the surveillance cameras. Chloe seems to have wandered off somewhere, probably to get kidnapped by Emperor Ming’s henchmen. Or perhaps its her union-mandated smoke break, who knows. Little Lord Fauntleroy wanders in, rubbing his neck.

“How’d he get away from you?”, Token Arab Chick yells.

“The damndest thing, I tell you. One moment he’s sitting on the chair, cuffs and all, and the next I’m on the floor wondering why the hell my arse hurts.”

“I don’t believe you! You LET him escape!”

“You’re certainly entitled to your opinion, little lady. Now, if you’d let me do my job, please?”

Al Bundy locates Jack on the cameras and everybody head off in his direction. Jack, meanwhile, barricades himself inside one of the rooms, vandalizing the door controls, then he sits down to talk with Audrey or, rather, talk TO Audrey, telling her who she is, who her parents are, what her favorite color is and how sexy she looks in those lace panties that he bought for her at Victoria’s Secret. She, on the other hand, says nothing at all, which is a welcome change for her character.

Token Arab Chick arrives outside the room, noticing to her surprise that Jack has locked the door. Didn’t see THAT one coming, did you Einstein? She calls for an entry team and, after specifying that she doesn’t mean a bunch of guys armed with boxes of K-Y Gel, sits down to wait.

Inside, Jack keeps trying, unsuccessfully, to get her to say something that will lead them to Emperor Ming. Finally, after the entry team gets done cutting the door down and everybody are pointing guns at each other, she mumbles “Bloomfield.”

Token Arab Chick relays it to Al Bundy and tells Dr Mengele to go hang out in her office for a bit. Say, for a very LONG bit, then promises Jack that he won’t be touching Audrey again.

Satisfied that Dr Mengele won’t be playing slap the schnitzel with Audrey, and possibly realizing that he’s cornered, outnumbered and outgunned, Jack turns himself in again.

At the White House, Spineless Toad confirms that the Russians are preparing to launch a full-scale attack on U.S. military installations in Central Asia in order to make the Chinese give them their secrets back. Or something. As we said, nothing makes sense on this show, so don’t expect any. He also informs VP Neocon that the Russians will be within strike range within an hour or, more precisely, before the end of next week’s episode.

Blondie returns and VP Neocon gives her the dirty eye, then sends Spineless Toad out of the room.

He informs her that the Russians know what’s going on and, more importantly, that they know it because of her boyfriend Rasputin who’s been forwarding every moan and gasp from her to his friends in Moscow. Blondie plays dumb for a bit, a natural talent of hers, but finally relents and admits it all.

“So what do you want from me?”, she asks.

“Well, for starters, I want you to tell your boyfriend that we’ve got the component and that everything is alright.”

“But… I can’t do that!”

“What? You can betray me, you can conspire to commit perjury before the Supreme Court, but you can’t tell your boyfriend this?”

“No… I mean, that would be lying!

“OK, let’s put it this way then: You can and you will do exactly what I tell you to do, because if you don’t, then your spying for a foreign government will earn you a long stay at Gitmo as an enemy combatant. And trust me, you won’t like that one little bit! Nobody will be able to recognize you when, or if you get out.”

“They’re going to torture me?”

“No, but the 50 pounds you’ll put on as a result of the 7-course luxury meals that the ACLU and the press insist on us feeding to terrorists won’t do anything for your looks.”

“OK, alright already, I’LL DO IT!”

At CTU, they’ve found a location with the name of Bloomfield, a copper refinery. And it just so happens that Audrey had copper filings all over her when they found her.

Also, Audrey’s dad, Secretary Heller, has come back from Past Season Purgatory. He insists on seeing Jack and tells him to stay the Hell away from his daughter in the future. Obviously, Secretary Heller cares for his daughter and has followed the show, realizing along with the rest of us that the single most dangerous place in the world is anywhere near Jack Bauer.

Well, that and between John McCain and a camera.

Tick…tock…tick…tock…

6 Responses to “Jack and the Cat Lady”
  1. LC Guido Cabrone Comment by LC Guido Cabrone

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Ya know, I still haven’t watched an episode.

    Think I’ll just keep reading yer suummaries, Boss.

  2. LC Guido Cabrone Comment by LC Guido Cabrone

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Awright, how did I get a foist an HOUR after the original post?

  3. Unregistered Comment by Rainy

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    My first thought about Al’s lost transfer was that no government employee would put up with what he’s been through, they don’t get paid enough to be on the clock for almost 24 hours straight, tortured and drilled through the shoulder, sneered at, etc.

    I’m sure there are exceptions out there, but a lot of the government employees I’ve known (I was a state employee for 10 years) wouldn’t work a minute over 8 hours in a day and tried to pad that with as many smoking breaks as possible.

    His real response to the transfer turn-down should have been - I quit!

  4. ELIMN8U Comment by ELIMN8U

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I must say that I look forward to reading the 24 re-caps here even more than actually watching the episode itself.
    You truly have the gift…three more to go, I hope you can make it to the end.

  5. jaybear Comment by jaybear

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    ya’ know I was pretty stoned when I watched 24 this week. I had taken my bronchitis meds about 30 minutes before it started and they kicked in about 10 minutes into the show…..funny thing is, the whole damned thing made sense to me.

    The funnier thing is, my wife returned from an out of town business trip an hour later (right before I lost consciousness)and asked me to catch her up with the happenings on 24……I couldn’t recall a damned thing about it. Now if only those damned drugs would knock out this freekin cough.

  6. NevadaDailySteve Comment by NevadaDailySteve

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I must say that I look forward to reading the 24 re-caps here even more than actually watching the episode itself.

    I actually enjoy watching the show now. As each scene is played out I try to imagine what Misha will do with the material, not to mention the names he gives to everyone.

    Once done, he calls a Mystery Man who turns out to be a Russian spy whom we shall name Igor for no good reason at all.