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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Well, it MUST be Done
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We know that we’d promised not to, but since it’s inevitable that some poor, naive fool is going to look up the text of the SotU Address out of curiosity unless we do something to stop it and save him or her from slipping into a coma, here’s a somewhat condensed recap.

The things we do to save you from yourselves, Loyal Citizens.

The Weenie-in-Chief started out with the obligatory, ceremonial kissing of Democrat arses in an inevitably futile attempt to ingratiate himself with the plebes of the left. Or maybe he really is happy that the party whose domestic platform he has been following slavishly since he got into office finally is in the majority, so he won’t even have to pretend that he’s a Republican anymore.

Who knows? More relevantly, who really cares anymore?

Personally, we think that the part where he prostrated himself before House Stretcher Lugosi and carefully sucked on each one of her toes while mumbling “I’m not worthy” over and over again was a bit over the top, but different strokes for different folks, we guess.

Other choice quotes from the ritual self-abasement:

…we’re all held to the same standards, and called to serve the same good purposes: To extend this nation’s prosperity; to spend the people’s money wisely; to solve problems, not leave them to future generations; to guard America against all evil; and to keep faith with those we have sent forth to defend us.

All of which every last worthless one of you will then proceed to ignore, just as you always have in the past. Next.

Our citizens don’t much care which side of the aisle we sit on —

Too true.

You’re all an equal waste of perfectly good DNA.

This economy is on the move, and our job is to keep it that way, not with more government, but with more enterprise.

Quoth the drunken sailor who has managed to outspend even Clinton on making government bigger, more expensive and, most of all, more intrusive. A bureaucrat in every room, a spoonful of gruel in every pot.

Pull the other one, dork. This one quit flying 4 years ago.

Then it was on to the usual promises to waste our money:

First, we must balance the federal budget.

A task made somewhat difficult by you making the Bent Dick from Hope look like Uncle Scrooge on a particularly stingy day in your frantic attempt to implement your No Vote Left Unbought Program™. How did that work out for you, by the way? Remember ‘06?

Never mind. We’re the ones who will have to pay.

We can do so without raising taxes. What we need to do is impose spending discipline in Washington, D.C.

So you’re resigning tomorrow?

Together, we can restrain the spending appetite of the federal government,

Well then, we accept your resignation. Now go away.

Then he promised to cut earmarks, which is about as likely to happen as His Imperial Majesty waking up tomorrow and noticing that he’s got four arms all of a sudden. With this long overdue move, he plans to save a whopping $8 billion. That’s a little over 1/1000th of the deficit he created, and that’s only counting the Medicare Cash Gusher.

Speaking of Medicare, he wants to fix it (how about you never having fucked it up in the first place, Mr “Let’s Spend Somebody Else’s Money?”), along with Social Security, Medicaid and strong headwinds for bicyclists.

Yawn.

Then, having promised to save about half a percent of the money he’s thrown out to buy the votes of baby-boomers, teachers and illegal aliens, he decided that he’d shown all the fiscal restraint expected of him. Time to put on the spending shoes again, woooo-hoooo!

First, he wants to waste more money on the already failed No Teacher’s Salary Left Behind Act. Then, as a bone to those conservatives who still manage to delude themselves into thinking that he means a word he says, he re-heats the old school voucher proposal that he hasn’t lifted a finger to advance during 6 years of control of Congress. We’re sure that he’ll make a heroic effort during two years in the minority. We’re also sure that the Easter Bunny exists.

Oh, and states handing out free healthcare to “the poor” illegal aliens should be compensated with federal funds. So states with enforcement laws on the book will be required to pay for those states who don’t mind every man jack of the turd world getting a free ride on the taxpayer’s dime. How wonderful.

When laws and borders are routinely violated, this harms the interests of our country. To secure our border, we’re doubling the size of the Border Patrol,

The way you keep locking them up when they try to do their job, you might eventually find it a tad difficult to fill those positions, jerkoff.

Yet even with all these steps, we cannot fully secure the border unless we take pressure off the border — and that requires a temporary worker program.

But of course, you monumental fuckhead.

The simplest way to stop the burglars from trying to break down your door so they can help themselves to your stereo, silverware and daughters is to, wait for it, OPEN THE DAMN DOOR! There. No more annoying banging on the door.

Does the Bush family selectively breed for stupidity, or does he really, truly hold the intelligence of the American voter in such low regard?

As a result, they won’t have to try to sneak in, and that will leave Border Agents free to chase down drug smugglers and criminals and terrorists.

How about legalizing drugs, all crimes and terrorism as well? That way we’ll leave our Border Agents free to… Well, we’re sure we can find SOMETHING they can do.

Fucknozzle.

We’ll enforce our immigration laws at the work site and give employers the tools to verify the legal status of their workers, so there’s no excuse left for violating the law.

Of course you will. As soon as you get your amnesty and slave labor program, of course. And then we won’t need the tools anymore since they’re all here legally. Besides, we already HAVE rules and tools, but you and your Mexican Mariachi Band of an “Administration” have steadfastly refused to use a single one of them for six long years now.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me for the sixth fucking time in a row, your ass is about to meet my boot.

Then he climbed on the Greenpeace wagon, embracing solar and wind energy and promising that all government vehicles will be Priuses from now on. Great. A hybrid Abrams tank. We can’t hardly wait. Will it have pretty flowers painted on the sides as well?

Oh, and he wanted more judges too.

The lives of our citizens across our nation are affected by the outcome of cases pending in our federal courts. We have a shared obligation to ensure that the federal courts have enough judges to hear those cases and deliver timely rulings.

We’re sure that Officers Compean and Ramos wouldn’t have minded waiting a bit longer for their “fair” ruling.

And finally, it’s time for the obligatory re-hash of the same speech he’s been making since 2002, the bit about promising to “take the fight to the enemy”, as long as it doesn’t involve actually letting our troops take the actual fight to the actual enemy, of course.

In the sixth year since our nation was attacked, I wish I could report to you that the dangers had ended. They have not.

I’d settle for you reporting to us, just once, that you’ve finally decided that the enemy needs to be fought and issued the relevant orders to take actual, you know, action.

In the last two years, we’ve seen the desire for liberty in the broader Middle East — and we have been sobered by the enemy’s fierce reaction.

And the enemy has been wildly encouraged by Washington DC’s tepid, half-arsed, neither here nor there reaction. We already know that.

In 2005, the world watched as the citizens of Lebanon raised the banner of the Cedar Revolution,

In 2006, the U.S. watched as our ally Israel fought alone against the Hezbollah swine who are now busy stamping out that Cedar Revolution.

And your point, Milquetoast?

Ladies and gentlemen: On this day, at this hour, it is still within our power to shape the outcome of this battle. Let us find our resolve, and turn events toward victory.

Good idea. How about you twits and desk jockeys in Washington go bang some interns and leave our troops to do their damn jobs without interference for a change, then?

Followed by an endless stream of corporate rah rah and empty rhetoric about The Surge™, with not a mention of the fact that the real problem lies with the SPONSORS of the terrorists in Iraq, the sponsors that can be found in Syria, Iran and among our “eternal friends”, the Saudis.

In other words, business as usual, just as we all knew already.

Here follows a break so you can all go vomit.

The United Nations has imposed sanctions on Iran, and made it clear that the world will not allow the regime in Tehran to acquire nuclear weapons.

Or else what? More ineffective “sanctions” or perhaps even a sternly worded letter of condemnation?

We’re sure that the three surviving citizens in the nuclear rubble of Tel Aviv will be ever so appreciative, you lukewarm S.O.B.

And what would a SotU Address be without the Philantropist-in-Chief promising to spend oodles of cash on fighting AIDS in Africa, not to mention G-d knows what OTHER inane, completely irrelevant to the taxpaying public projects in countries that hate our guts no matter what we do.

Thanks a lot for your generosity with our money. Thanks a whole fucking LOAD of a lot.

Cue the usual personal interest stories, blow your noses and thank your Maker that there’s another year before we have to sit through a torrent of tepid drivel like that again.

10 Responses to “Well, it MUST be Done”
  1. LC Gunsniper Comment by LC Gunsniper

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    An outstanding and well deserved shredding and mutilating of a pathetic, weak and anemic SotU Address.

    I can feel my very soul rejoice in the warm glow of the smoldering embers. Well done your Lordship!

  2. LC HOGHEAD Comment by LC HOGHEAD

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    The United Nations has imposed sanctions on Iran, and made it clear that the world will not allow the regime in Tehran to acquire nuclear weapons

    Oh yes. and we see how well the UN sanctions and declarations worked on Saddamn. Fucking Insanity !!!

  3. LC HOGHEAD Comment by LC HOGHEAD

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    In the sixth year since our nation was attacked, I wish I could report to you that the dangers had ended. They have not.

    You forgot to add that the dangers have MULTIPLIED by the treasonous acts of the media and the LIBS.

  4. LC HOGHEAD Comment by LC HOGHEAD

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    WHY DOES BUSH EVEN TRY TO COOPERATE WITH DEMOCRATS? Leftist Democrats, who comprise most of the party leadership, have no intention of working in a bipartisan fashion towards accomplishing a common objective. They never did and they never will.

    They are not interested in solutions to problems; they are not concerned about comity. They never debate, they just hate.

    The only thing they value is the ability to wield power

  5. Wild-Eyed Charlie Comment by Wild-Eyed Charlie

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    WHY DOES BUSH EVEN TRY TO COOPERATE WITH DEMOCRATS? Leftist Democrats, who comprise most of the party leadership, have no intention of working in a bipartisan fashion towards accomplishing a common objective. (Emphasis added.) They never did and they never will.

    I’m afraid the do have a common objective. That is to steal the country blind and make us all equal…equally poor. Every one of us will get the same 10 beans for dinner, while the “elites” get the caviar, just like in the old Soviet Union. After all, ideologically they’re cut from the same cloth.

  6. Unregistered Comment by PFC Krondax

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    solution to the iranian problem. Get N. Korea pissed off enough at Iran to got to war with them. keep the rest of the world out of it. (offer them interns, or in france’s case, sheep)

    second. where iw as at that night, it was on. it was on mute, and i was drinking beer. i was having more fun with the beer…. :(*

  7. juandos Comment by juandos

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Can you say, “ethanol“?

    Considering how corn is the basic diet staple for many peoples from Mexico to Tierra del Fuego, turning corn into ethanol (thereby driving up the price of corn and pop corn :lol_wp:) this ought to be interesting…

    WHY DOES BUSH EVEN TRY TO COOPERATE WITH DEMOCRATS? Leftist Democrats, who comprise most of the party leadership, have no intention of working in a bipartisan fashion towards accomplishing a common objective. They never did and they never will

    Hmmm, one would’ve thought George W would’ve learned that lesson after working with the alcoholic woman killer on that waste of tax dollars called, “leave no juvenile delinquent parasite behind“…

  8. Unregistered Comment by Cheryl

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    And what would a SotU Address be without the Philantropist-in-Chief promising to spend oodles of cash on fighting AIDS in Africa

    But nothing for the tireless cleanup crew at the ex-World Trade Center who worked 16 hour days while their shoes melted underneath them from the heat of the still-burning fires; and while they were told that the air was as clean as that on a mountaintop on a brisk spring day in the Swiss Alps, even though they were choking on the crematorium-like smell. No need for filter masks or anything like that. I did not see their delegation seated in a place of honor at this circle-jerk session.

    Oh, right! Gosh, most of them are too weak to make the trip - or dead.

    I did not think W could get any more mealy-mouthed. I was wrong. Misha, your critique of the SOU travesty said it all.

  9. DJ Allyn,  ITW Comment by DJ Allyn, ITW

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    Quoth the drunken sailor who has managed to outspend even Clinton on making government bigger, more expensive and, most of all, more intrusive. A bureaucrat in every room, a spoonful of gruel in every pot.

    Clinton spent less than Reagan and Bush Sr. also.

    But this current spending spree was a Grover Norquist design. Bankrupt everything so that they HAD to be tossed out.

    The money spent didn’t go into where it could have done any good, sometimes spending too much on something does more harm than spending too little. Norquist and Bush understand that if you want to destroy something, you don’t cut off its funding, you overspend on it to the point that it will collapse under its own weight.

    This is what you guys wanted in the first place. You are just complaining about the road to get there.

  10. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    Norquist and Bush understand that if you want to destroy something, you don’t cut off its funding, you overspend on it to the point that it will collapse under its own weight.

    This is what you guys wanted in the first place. You are just complaining about the road to get there.

    You have a great deal more confidence in Bush’s genius than I do but, if you’re right, then I eagerly await the collapse.

    It’ll be almost as welcome as the collapse of the Soviet Union, and for much the same reasons too. Every time a tyrannical government bureaucracy collapses, the Baby Jesus smiles.