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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Jack to the Rescue
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At CTU, Ming’s Mercs are still holding up everybody as we head into yet another recap of the Ongoing Adventures of Jack and the Recycling Writer Team:

Al Bundy tries to cover up Easter Island Head’s dead body, but finally realizes that he’ll have to make do with covering his face. With a very large jacket. The head of the Merc gang sends off Jack Jr to meet with Ming, and Marilyn throws a wall-to-wall hissy fit. Jack tries to calm her down, earning him a swift kick in the ribs from one of the thugs who apparently gets off listening to screaming women.

The chief thug, however, is having his mellow considerably harshed by the sudden eruption of screams and random acts of violence, so he orders Jack to make her shut up by holding her in his big, manly arms.

While Jack Jr is being led through the sewers by two goons, the chief thug tells everybody that they’ll be moved to a “secure room” and that if nobody acts up, nobody will get hurt, which comes as a surprise to Milo. Well, it would have if it hadn’t been for the fact that he is dead.

Jack, meanwhile, is busy concocting a very cunning plan and tells Marilyn that it involves her being at the very front of their group when they start moving. Obviously he’s not quite sure that all of the secret laser-triggered booby traps have been deactivated, so better to play it safe.

They start moving, and Jack tells Token Arab Chick that it’s about time to kick some ass. Chloe wanders by, wanting to know what they’re up to, but since there aren’t any computer screens around to scowl at and the thugs have all of the AR-15s, Jack tells her to move along, nothing to see here. As soon as there are nobody around other than Jack, Token Arab Chick and Al Bundy, Jack makes his move, followed by the two others who, while Jack is busy shooting, strangling and snapping necks, create a distraction by letting themselves get beat up.

Finally, just as the last thug is about to put Token Arab Chick on a sudden lead diet, Little Lord Fauntleroy shows up with the cavalry and shoots him in the back.

Jack explains the situation and tells Little Lord Fauntleroy that he needs to go after Jack Jr to get to Ming.

“But you’re still under arrest, Jack”, Token Arab Chick protests, making Jack wonder why Little Lord Fauntleroy couldn’t have held off his daring rescue for just ten more damn seconds. Apparently Token Arab Chick gets the look in Jack’s eyes, because she promptly decides to forget protocol for a moment and tells Jack and LLF to go for it.

While Jack and LLF are wading through the sewers accompanied by suitably annoying and overdramatic music, Jack Jr arrives at Emperor Ming’s secret hideout. Ming calls his gramps, Zefram Cochrane, and tells him that they have the package. Dr Cochrane wants to talk to him.

“What’s going on, gramps?”, Jack Jr asks.

“Listen, I’m sorry about the mess, but…”

“Sorry? Sorry that you almost got me killed? Sorry about threatening to kill me earlier?”

“Aw, come on. It’s not like I would’ve ever actually hurt you, I just had to make it sound convincing. It’s not like I’m some megalomaniacal psychopath who had one of his sons locked away in a Chinese gulag for years and then, later on, killed his other son to keep him from talking. Sheesh, the youngsters nowadays…”

“What do you want from me?”

“I want to take you far away from here, to a magical, mystical land where unicorns run in meadows full of…”

“Gramps, I’m not 8 any longer.”

“Oh, that’s right. OK, I want to take you to China with me, to rule the world with me from a secret base deep within a volcano, MUAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“I’m not 12 either, you know.”

“Join me, Josh, and together we shall rule the galaxy like father and son?”

“Alright then.”

“I convinced you?”

“Not one bit, but if I have to listen to one more tired cliche, I may just have to kill myself.”

Emperor Ming and his entourage head out with Jack Jr. Just as the cars are headed out of the warehouse, Jack and Little Lord Fauntleroy arrive from the sewers. Jack promptly puts one of the two vehicles out of commission with his trusty Glock while hanging in one arm from a rope. And picking his nose. The occupants of the other vehicle, with Ming and Jack Jr in it, decide to stop and try to escape on foot rather than just flooring it and getting the Hell out of there, which would seem the logical thing to do when pursued by a bunch of guys on foot.

“What are they?”, Little Lord Fauntleroy shouts while shooting at the escaping Chinamen, “morons?”

“They sure are”, Jack replies.

“Makes you wonder about this whole China as a Global Superpower thing, doesn’t it?”

“I was talking about the writers.”

While Little Lord Fauntleroy and the tac team are busy killing the rest, Jack sets out after Ming and Jack Jr. Soon he finds himself alone with Ming on the top of the building, standing on a narrow catwalk. As Ming empties his gun, Jack jumps up.

“Ming! It’s over! Tell me where the boy is and I won’t kill you… Much…”

Just as all hope seems gone for Ming, Jack Jr helpfully decides to slip off a pipe and ends up dangling from a chain, about to fall down. Jack is about to shoot Ming, but then a writer runs onto the set, hitting him over the head with a clipboard.

“Dammit! We’ve still got two hours left of this season and you’re about to kill the chief villain?”

“Oops. Sorry”, Jack answers, “OK, Ming. Instead of doing the logical thing and shooting you in the leg so you can’t get away, I’ll now carefully look away from you to see what’s going on with Jack Jr, giving you time to escape so we can enjoy another glorious two hours of me chasing you next week.”

Jack turns his head. “One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi… Alright, you’d better be gone now!” And, of course, he is. Having made sure that the script can drag on for another two hours, Jack bends down and pulls Jack Jr up to safety. He radios Little Lord Fauntleroy with an update and, for a moment there, we think that perhaps LLF and his tac team can catch Ming before he gets away. They know which way he went, after all, and they outnumber him by about twenty to one. But then we hear LLF utter the fateful words:

“We’re setting up a perimeter around the building right now!”

Yep, he’s gone alright.

“Did Ming say where he was going to take you?”, Jack asks Jack Jr.

“Yeah, and he made me talk on the phone with gramps.”

“You talked with your grandfather? What did he tell you?”

“Just the usual. I was his legacy, he’d take me away, ruling the world, riches beyond my imagination… Oh, and a pony.”

“Did you hear anything that might give you an idea of where he is?”

“Wouldn’t that be too easy?”

“Yeah, but I had to ask.”

Little Lord Fauntleroy arrives and Jack tells him that his father, Dr Cochrane, is working with the Chinese.

“But why?”, LLF asks.

“I’ll be sure to ask him when I find him”, Jack answers and walks off.

At the White House, VP Neocon has called Karen Pelosi into his office. She tells him that the Russians are within striking range of the U.S. bases and is wondering what happened to Spineless Toad.

“He’s in the field, running a classified operation. He found out who the leak was.”

“Who?”, Karen Pelosi asks.

“My assistant, Blondie.”

“Blondie is spying for the Russians?”

“No. The guy she sleeps with is.”

“YOU’RE spying for the Russians, sir?”

“No, dammit. Do I look like Ted Kennedy to you? No, the OTHER guy that she sleeps with is spying for the Russians.”

“So what are we going to do about it?”

“That’s what Spineless Toad is doing. He’s made Blondie go back to her lover with a bunch of obviously fake emails stating that we’ve destroyed the component in the hopes that Lover Boy will upload them to the Russians.”

“And the Russians will fall for this laughably obvious stunt?”

“Obviously not, but we had to have some sort of plot element to fill out this episode, didn’t we?”

At Lover Boy’s house, the obligatory humping is done and Blondie heads off to the shower to let Lover Boy grab her PDA and download the emails. Lover Boy obligingly walks off to do so, but just as he’s about to download the emails, something makes him stop. Perhaps it’s the subject line on the memo saying “d00d! We r0X0rz! tH3 Ch|n3z3 g0t T0T411Y Pwn3D!!!1!” Or maybe he was worried about downloading a trojan from the 257 natural breast enhancement emails. But most likely it’s because Blondie has been acting like a Democrat in front of an Ethics Committee ever since she got there.

“What’s going on?”, he asks Blondie when she gets back.

“What do you mean?”

“What are you hiding? Why are you lying to me?”

After the obligatory round of accusations followed by more and more heated denials, Blondie cracks, then cracks a bottle over the head of Lover Boy, while shouting at him that he’s a rotten bastard for spying for the Russians and that all of her orgasms were faked anyways. At that last comment, Lover Boy springs into action and, after a short but spirited scuffle, gets on top of her and proceeds to strangle her, but before she dies Spineless Toad and his team burst into the apartment and handcuff him.

Spineless Toad tells him to upload the fake emails or he’ll be dangling at the end of a rope for treason, and Lover Boy agrees to do it. Obviously he’s a woefully uninformed sorry excuse for a “lobbyist” when it comes to history and current events, or he’d have known that the current penalty for treason and co-operating with a foreign power is a Senate seat for Massachusetts.

Meanwhile, Dr Cochrane and Ming are having an unpleasant phone conversation. Dr Cochrane informs Ming that he blew it, that the deal is over and that he can kiss the component goodbye. Ming threatens with serious consequences if he doesn’t get his chip, but Dr Cochrane just laughs maniacally and tells him to go pound sand. “Soon, the world will be MINE!!!” Not quite sure what Dr Cochrane is going to do about a billion pissed off Chinese, but you gotta hand it to him: For a geriatric old nutjob, the guy’s got some serious chutzpah.

At CTU, the empty suits from Internal Affairs have arrived, determined to shut down everything because of the security breach leading to the earlier mayhem. Perhaps they could start by investigating why the clowns at Homeland left a sewer grate unguarded in the middle of the facility? No, that would make too much sense, and if there’s one thing that career pencil pushers don’t do, it’s common sense.

Of course, the whole thing is utterly unrealistic to begin with. Not that some desk jockey with protocols tattooed on his ass cheeks wouldn’t shut down a vital operation in the middle of a national crisis over a SNAFU, but the fact that never in the history of empty bureaucratic suits has one been known to get out of bed at 3 a.m. unless it’s to call room service for a fresh batch of hookers.

After a long and emotional scene in which Al Bundy tries to cheer Token Arab Chick up with an impassioned pep talk along the lines of “not letting the buggers get you down” and “it wasn’t your fault” (Al Bundy, heal thyself!) that is really nothing but a clever way of saying “now that you’re available again, I wonder if you’d be willing to catch a bite after work. Maybe some wild, animal sex at my place later?”, it’s back to the White House.

Spineless Toad calls to tell VP Neocon that the fake memos have been uploaded, and VP Neocon and Karen Pelosi get ready to tele-conference with President Subaru to tell him the good news.

But first, Jack calls Marilyn to tell her that Jack Jr. is safe and that they’ll be headed back to CTU shortly. When he mentions that Dr Cochrane is involved and that Jr. talked to him, Marilyn goes all wide-eyed and wants to know what he told him. “Oh, something about legacies, taking him to China and ruling the world”, Jack answers. “That’s all he said?”, Marilyn asks. “Something about a pony too, but that’s pretty much it.”

Come on, Marilyn, out with it. Why don’t you just go ahead and ask: “He didn’t mention anything about who Jr’s father really is?” Oh well. I guess that’s one more of the “surprises” for next week.

VP Neocon and Karen Pelosi get on the tele-conference with President Subaru and tell him that the component was blown up along with the Chinese.

“And you have proof of this?”, President Subaru asks.

“Sure. I’ll give you all the documentation you want”, VP Neocon answers.

“The same kind of documentation that you just planted with one of my agents?”

“Er?”

“What? You think we don’t keep our spies under surveillance? You think we won’t notice half dozen Secret Service agents storming his apartment right before we get memos telling us that component has been blown up?”

“Now, listen… Let’s be reasonable here…”

“Reasonable? Do you have any idea what penis enlargement ad in her email did to our computer systems? Every time I try to open browser window, I get redirect to Malaysian porn site. Popup all over screen. For that, we shall attack not only you but… MONTENEGRO as well!”

“Now, now… Easy on the threats, Ivan. You DO realize what an unprovoked attack on us will look like to our allies, and…”

“Unprovoked? We’ll arrange for provocation. You have… How much left of season?… TWO hours left!”

He cuts off the call.

Later, VP Neocon is busy briefing the joint chiefs in the Oval Office, telling them to be prepared to be attacked by Russia in retaliation for the Chinese theft of a circuit board that the Russians smuggled into the United States in the first place, the most ridiculously illogical casus belli in military history, when Spineless Toad bursts through the door, telling VP Neocon that he’s got a phone call for him that he needs to take in private.

“I’ve got Dr Zefram Cochrane on the phone”, Toad says.

“What do you want”, VP Neocon asks Dr Cochrane after he picks up the phone.

“My grandson, passage out of the country and — ONE MEEEEEELION DOLLARS!”

“For what?”

“The circuit board.”

“What about the Chinese?”

“They had some technical difficulties, so their deal is off. So I thought you might be interested. My grandson for the circuit board.”

He hangs up and Karen Pelosi immediately objects.

“You can’t seriously be considering handing over the boy just to avoid a world war?”

“That’s funny. Not too many hours ago, you were quite willing to risk a bunch of terrorists blowing up a handful of major U.S. cities in order to avoid the risk of going to war with a turd world shithole over hurting their feelings.”

“But this is different. Won’t you please Think of the Children™? Dr Cochrane is mean!

Spineless Toad backs up VP Neocon, who also, finally realizes that none of all of this makes sense anyway, particularly not Russia starting a world war over something the Chinese did with some help from a bunch of Russian generals. Spineless Toad suggests that it’s just President Subaru being pressured into it by the All Powerful Ex-Communist Soviet General Cabal™, the mysterious conspiracy that incompetent screenwriters always dig up whenever they have to come up with an ominous, all-powerful threat that isn’t Politically Incorrect to mention by name.

“Of course!”, VP Neocon exclaims, “it all makes sense now! These generals, presiding over the decrepit remnants of the already degraded Soviet military, are just itching to pick a fight with the planet’s only military hyperpower so the Chinese can have a good laugh while they prepare to pick up the smoldering pieces!”

“?”

“That was sarcasm, but I was hoping I could sneak it past the writers”, VP Neocon says, “but enough of that. Let’s just hand over the kid and be done with this nonsense. I need to find a real job. Like doing voice-overs for shampoo commercials.”

As Jack is about to load himself and Jack Jr. on a chopper for CTU, he’s called away for long enough for Little Lord Fauntleroy to whisk Jack Jr off to a different chopper, taking them away to Dr Zefram Cochrane.

Tick… tock… tick… tock…

10 Responses to “Jack to the Rescue”
  1. LC Gunsniper Comment by LC Gunsniper

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    WWVD?

    What Would Vic (Mackey) Do?

  2. LC Scott Comment by LC Scott

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    “We’re setting up a perimeter around the building right now!”

    This is the point in time where I started to yell at my TV.
    At this time I finally realize what CTU’s malfunction is. They set up the Perimeter up on the inside of the building.

  3. LC Scott Comment by LC Scott

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    *It is also*At this time I finally realize what CTU’s malfunction is. They set up the Perimeter up on the inside of the building.

  4. Unregistered Comment by nerbygirl

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Misha:
    Your version of 24 was a thousand times more entertaining than the actual show. Please leave coffee warnings next time.
    By the way, I recorded a voiceover for a shampoo commercial last week. Please don’t put professionals such as myself, in the same category as Jim Jones. I didn’t even know that actor was still LIVING until this season started.

  5. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Come on, Marilyn, out with it. Why don’t you just go ahead and ask: “He didn’t mention anything about who (Josh’s) father really is?” Oh well. I guess that’s one more of the “surprises” for next week.

    If LC & IB Rick Moran of RightWingNuthouse is right, Josh’s father might actually be Philip. Moran dropped that little bit of speculation in his own recap of last week’s episode, based on Philip’s comment about Josh being part of his “legacy.”

    Now that would be a suprise. And kind of disgusting, too. Ewwwww.

  6. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    If LC & IB Rick Moran of RightWingNuthouse is right, Josh’s father might actually be Philip. Moran dropped that little bit of speculation in his own recap of last week’s episode, based on Philip’s comment about Josh being part of his “legacy.”

    The thought occurred to me too and gave me a severe case of the dry heaves.

    Rick could be right. It wouldn’t be the first time one of his hunches were spot on.

  7. Muzzy Comment by Muzzy

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    We may disagree on politics but your 24 writeups are always a great read, Misha. Nice job!

  8. Unregistered Comment by Cheryl

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    If LC & IB Rick Moran of RightWingNuthouse is right, Josh’s father might actually be Philip.

    That does tend to make one’s neck hairs stand on end. But the scene with Spineless Toad and Gang watching Blondie and loverboy humping and sweating gave me the creeps as well.

  9. Unregistered Comment by LC Wes, Imperial Mohel

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    That does tend to make one’s neck hairs stand on end. But the scene with Spineless Toad and Gang watching Blondie and loverboy humping and sweating gave me the creeps as well.

    Personally, watching that scene I thought Tom the Spineless Toad looked like someone who was used to spending his nights staring at a computer monitor, watching other people have sex.

    ;)

  10. Unregistered Comment by tradewind

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Thanks, Misha… I will miss your recaps a hell of a lot more than the real thing after this season from hell…but I have faith …errr, make that hope that they will return to what made Jack Bauer’s Power Hour great.