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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » How NOT to do Customer Service
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Some might say “so what does THIS have to do with the really important stuff?” but, then again, what do we care? We write about what we choose to write about.

If you’re a male with a Significant Other, you know that whereas jewelry may not interest you personally, it is also a subject that you ignore at your peril (unless you really like that couch of yours). Not to mention that the ladies like the sparklies, and, if you’re as blessed as His Imperial Majesty is with a wife that tolerates His Nastiness’ affinity for impossibly loud firearms, fine brews and cigars because she knows that it makes him happy, then it really only is fair that the sentiment be reciprocated. Putting a smile on the person you love’s face ought to be important to you, unless something is seriously wrong with you.

So His Benevolence located (with no small amount of helpful suggestions from Her Highness) a bauble that would produce said smile and decided to purchase it. In this day and age, it’s as easy as a click of a button and, hey presto, the stuff is in the mail.

Or that’s how it should be. When we placed the order on December 23rd, we didn’t expect to have to go through weeks of trials and tribulations simply to get what we’d already paid for.

Now, obviously, when you place an order for something on the 23rd day of December, you don’t expect it to be in your hands in time for Christmas, even if you DO pay the extra charge for overnight shipping, which we did.

But you also don’t expect it to be three bloody weeks+ until you see it. Yet that is what we got when we stupidly chose to do business with Allé Fine Jewelry.

Obviously, as we already mentioned, we didn’t expect immediate delivery, given the fact that we HAD placed our order well past the Last Moment™. So we didn’t raise a fuss until the end of Christmas week had come and gone. However, on January 3rd we were beginning to wonder. We allowed for the company to be closed on January 1st (nobody can pay US enough to get out of bed the day after New Year’s Eve, so why would anybody else?), added in a day to process the order and ship, and another day for the overnight delivery we’d paid for.

Yet, on January 3rd, there was no bauble in our mailbox, so we called the company and politely inquired as to the status of our order.

After some dicking around, we were informed that there was a problem with the credit card used in the purchase, more specifically that the phone number on record with the issuing company didn’t correspond with the number given when the order was placed. “Very well”, we replied, knowing full well that it was quite possible that such was the case, and never minding the fact that said card had been involved in numerous online purchases in the past, quite a few for much larger amounts, none of which had encountered any problems whatsoever.

So we called the credit card company to verify our contact information and found that, much to our surprise, not only DID the number correspond perfectly, the funds had actually been transferred the day before.

So we called the company back, trying our best to not use the word “bullshit” in the conversation, and were informed that the goods would be shipped forthwith, something one ought to be able to expect when the vendor has already taken your money.

Yet the rest of the week went by, and still no goods in the mail.

First thing the following Monday, we’re now on January 8th, we called back and, while trying to be as polite as we could be, inquired as to whether FedEx was on strike, if there was a national emergency preventing the timely delivery of goods bought and paid for, or if somebody was just screwing up somewhere.

We got a song and dance about Allé Fine Jewelry not actually having the product in stock, that it was an unknown anonymous manufacturer’s responsibility to ship it, and that they’d get in touch with said flaky manufacturer ASAP and call me right back.

Which they didn’t, of course.

So I called them the next day and the customer service lady (the same one that I’d been talking to during all of my previous calls, but maybe I was just lucking out and getting her every time) told me that they’d been unable to get in touch with Mystery Manufacturer. But, not to worry, they’d get a hold of him and call me back immediately. Which they, again, failed to do.

The following Monday, January 15th, I called them once again. At this time, my self-control and manners were fading fast, and I was told that yes, they’d gotten in touch with him and yes, their records showed that the item had been shipped that very day. Nevermind that they’d failed to inform me of that fact as promised, I just settled for getting my goods on Tuesday. Overnight shipping, extra charge and all that.

Of course, nothing arrived the next day. So the day after that, on January 17th, I once again called them and they AGAIN informed me that the item had been shipped that very same day, according to their records.

“That’s interesting”, I pointed out, restraining myself as much as humanly possible when I pointed out that I’d already gotten that line two days ago and wondering out loud whether THIS shipping date actually conformed with reality. She assured me that it did, and I hung up.

Of course, when Thursday had come and gone, I still hadn’t received the goods I’d paid for, so I called them once again, this time informing them about the finer points of “fraud”, “theft” and “breach of contract” and that I’d be ever so happy to pass the tedious chore of trying to get them to honor their contractual obligation on to my lawyer.

Surprise, surprise, on Saturday the 20th of January, almost a month after I’d paid for the goods and overnight shipping, the item arrived.

Along with a fraudulent statement that the order had been placed on January 2nd, of course.

Needless to say, I won’t be doing business with Allé Fine Jewelry, ever again.

Fuckheads.

12 Responses to “How NOT to do Customer Service”
  1. Dick Comment by Dick

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Nothing quite as nice as having the abilty to reach out, and fuck over somebody’s bottom line who desperately deserves it.
    I’ll make sure to drop them a note as to why Kelly won’t be receiving anything with their name on the box.
    Ya have to wonder how assclowns like that stay in business.

  2. juandos Comment by juandos

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Well at least it wasn’t Uncle Sam Misha was attempting to buy jewelry from… :biggrin_wp:

  3. LC HJ Caveman82952 Comment by LC HJ Caveman82952

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    My, my; Misha…you will make sure they receive a copy of this blog…..won’t you? The one with the free advertising about their company, the advertising now about to go global?

  4. LC Mrs. M Comment by LC Mrs. M

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    hmmm…and M thinks he has it rough when I ask another high capacity mag for my gun. :guns_tb:

    Sorry to hear about the trouble Sire. Although I’m sure the Empress is thrilled to have her bling at last. :clap_tb:

  5. LC Duncan Avatar Comment by LC Duncan Avatar

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Your majesty,

    There is a link to the Better Business Bureau (its down on the bottom) on their website should you wish to lodge a complaint. They most definitely deserve it after that fiasco.

  6. LC Beaker Comment by LC Beaker

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I’ve worked for Costco for 18 years now, and from time to time I have had to take care of unhappy customers. Personally, I think we do a pretty good job, Of course, I (and those I’ve trained) follow a set of common sense rules (which sadly aren’t all that common it seems).

    1. Be Honest. If you’ve fucked up, or anyone else in your company has, then apologize and take responsibility for it. Oh, and since the customer doesn’t really care who fucked it up, don’t pass the buck. If it wasn’t you, apologize anyway.

    2. Be Honest. Rectify the problem as best you can. If that means you can’t get the item shipped in three days, then tell the customer it won’t get shipped for three days. Promising them it was shipped yesterday when you know damn well it wasn’t displays a total lack of respect for your customer. Tell them the truth, not just what they want to hear.

    3. Honor Your Promises. If you say you’re going to call them back in XX hours, then do it. A phone call to say, “I still haven’t solved the problem, but I wanted you to know I’m still working on it and I’ll call back again in XX hours” is vastly better than not calling at all.

    4. Get Help From Above. This is huge at Costco. If I can’t solve their problem, I can pass it to my boss. If he can’t, he can pass it to his. I can’t tell you how many times this has happened. Fortunately, it’s encouraged where I work. If I don’t have the authority to do what’s needed, I can push it up the ladder because taking care of the Costco member is always job one.

    5. Be Polite and Professional.
    Of course, everyone starts here, but without the first four on the list, just being polite is a useless as a Rib Shack in Mecca.

    If you’re honest with people, they will be very forgiving. It has always amazed me how easily you can a customer to thank you after you’ve fixed something you’ve fucked up.

  7. LC HOGHEAD Comment by LC HOGHEAD

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    boss two words………. ICE.com…………never let me down for 5 years!

  8. NCLivingBrit Comment by NCLivingBrit

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I wish I could remember (or find the box for) the company that did our wedding rings or my loves engagement ring.

    Both shipped from abroad (one was in the US, but I was in the UK so…..) as far away as New Zealand. Both arrived earlier than expected (not entirely true for the engagement ring, but that had -nothing- to do with the jeweler, he shipped it four days after we placed a -custom- order) and both packaged like Fort Knox in a Box. Also, excellent prices.

    Hell, the NZ’ers even used a plain outer box (po box return address, no company mark) and a fabulous inner one and labelled the wedding bands (one plain titanium and one titanium and gold) as “metal rings, 1/4 inch x 3/4 inch like it was a machine part, most likely to keep thieves away :)

    Alas, I misplaced mine at work, but the wedding band tattoo works just as well. This way if I lose it, I have an excuse…. No finger to put it on!

  9. maxxdog Comment by maxxdog

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Hey! Their pearl necklaces don’t look anything like the ones BC links to.
    I hate having to deal with this kind of shit. I get very vindictive when I get jacked around. Mistakes I can understand but yanking my chain get’s me :furious_tb:

  10. Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur Comment by Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I try to understand that the person I got through to probably has nothing to do with the problem, which is why I don’t flame them from hello. I do, however, make it clear that I have told them about the problem, and I’ll make sure that they will solve it.

    1. Be polite, but firm.
    2. Make sure you get a name, and use it twice during the conversation.
    3. Ask for their extention.
    4. If all else fails, let them know that you are perfectly capable of spreading the news about their excellent service.

    Finally, Sire, two words: Helzberg Diamonds. I have gone in looking like a complete scrub, was well-treated, charged a fair price, and got sparkly stuff that Mrs. Blackiswhite truly appreciated.

  11. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I try to understand that the person I got through to probably has nothing to do with the problem, which is why I don’t flame them from hello.

    Me too. As a matter of fact, I make a point of letting the poor customer rep slave that I’m talking to know that it is not s/he that I have a problem with, and that if I say anything even mildly offensive, to please pass it on to the slithering slugs that s/he works for, because they’re the ones who deserve it.

  12. kwongdzu Comment by kwongdzu

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Beaker: You are so right, and it seems as if these actions should be a no brainer. Amazing how many people just don’t get it. Also, I have learned that before I buy anything from anyone online it is wise to research their customer service reputation. I did this after a very bad experience with Mac Mall, and found that numerous people had filed similar complaints to mine.

    Now for an “excellent customer service” plug. On Christmas eve, Albertson’s grocery store in Clovis, New Mexico helped out a friend of mine. Her husband was stationed in Afghanistan, and their family was down with the flu and Christmas preparations not finished. That’s hard when there are little kids involved! Albertson’s came through by helping with dinner and some stuff for the kids. I’d like to express my sincerest appreciation to the fine people who helped this to happen!