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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » On This Day In History
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1692 — In Salem, Bridget Bishop is sentenced to death for witchcraft based on the fact that she went to taverns, had been married three times and wore a neckline below her nose. The joys of Puritanism. In order to avoid appearing frivolous by wasting firewood, the Puritans hang her by the neck instead of giving her the traditional death at the stake. In October, after 18 more executions for the crimes of dancing, owning more than one pair of shoes and uttering more than three swear words a week, the Governor finally gets wise to what the Puritans are up to (nobody much wants to be anywhere near them) and puts and end to the nonsense. It will be more than 300 years before anybody tries to institute Sharia law in the United States again.

1752 — Benjamin Franklin decides to fly a kite in a thunderstorm, suggesting that he might not have been in full possession of all of his marbles at all times. Fortunately, G-d loves him a lot. Even more fortunately, trial lawyers haven’t been invented yet, saving poor Franklin from bankruptcy for having forgotten to clearly state that “flying a kite in a thunderstorm can be dangerous to your health.”

1881 — Lev Tolstoy disguises himself as a peasant and sneaks off in search of a monastery. If he’d had any sense, he would’ve tried to sneak into a convent instead.

1917 — The Italians, having failed for 2 years and 235,000 casualties to move the frontlines far enough for it to be visible on a map, try once again in the Trentino region. 23,000 casualties later, they’re still stuck on the same mountaintop, forced to listen to the incessant yodeling from the Austrians, sitting on theirs.

1940 — Italy declares war on Britain and, since it seems like the hip thing to do, france as well. I mean, why not? The Germans, still remembering the Italian feats of arms during WWI, wisely decide to tell the Italians to just sit tight and not touch anything.

1966Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? is approved for production by the Hays office on the condition that it may not be viewed by anyone under the age of 18. Hundreds of thousands of high school and college students all over the world would have appreciated it if, instead, anything actually written by Virginia Woolf had been banned outright, even though her writings have proven highly beneficial in the treatment of insomnia.

2002 — Clint Messina and his associate, Rose Houk, of Louisiana are arrested after an intense 15-mile-chase in a stolen donut truck. Louisiana police later demands, unsuccessfully, that he be given the death penalty for appropriating a vital police resource.

16 Responses to “On This Day In History”
  1. Elijah Comment by Elijah

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    ROFLMAO. This is getting better and better.

  2. Mike M Comment by Mike M

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    2002 — Clint Messina and his associate, Rose Houk, of Louisiana are arrested after an intense 15-mile-chase in a stolen donut truck. Louisiana police later demands, unsuccessfully, that he be given the death penalty for appropriating a vital police resource.

    It’s even worse than that. The truth is that when Messina was arrested on June 10th, it was for an unrelated incident. He was linked back to the March 27th donut caper only after he was in custody for the other crime. When he stole the Krispy Kreme truck, the back doors were open and donuts were bouncing out all over the highway as he fled from the police. Somehow, they lost contact with him and he was able to successfully elude them on that occasion.

    At any rate, the guy pulled a stupid stunt and basically just frittered his life away - so to speak.

  3. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    and donuts were bouncing out all over the highway as he fled from the police. Somehow, they lost contact with him and he was able to successfully elude them on that occasion.

    Let’s see: Cops, donuts bouncing on the highway, cops suddenly lose contact with suspect.

    Mystery solved ;)

  4. Unregistered Comment by halstein

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    In order to avoid appearing frivolous by wasting firewood, the Puritans hang her by the neck instead of giving her the traditional death at the stake.

    Actually, according to English law, the punishment for witchcraft was to be hanged. Burning was used in the rest of Europe. At least during the Renissance.

    During the Middle Ages, things varied. In the early medieval period (500-1000) witchcraft was considered a pagan superstition by the church. This changed somewhat during the high medieval period (1000-1300), but was still a minor issue. If you used witchcraft to harm somebody, you would be punished, just like you would, if you used an ordinary weapon.

    Of the ca. 200 witchcraft-cases known from the Middle Ages, about 75% is from the period 1450-1500. And many of them are obviously of a political kind (e.g. Joan of Arc).

    And not everybody did punish witches to any extent. The Spanish Inquisition (bet nobody did excpect them) claimed the exclusive to try witches, and they didn’t condemn any, but a very few. Evidence usually didn’t hold up in cort.
    Halstein.

  5. Princess Natasha Comment by Princess Natasha

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    LMAO…. This is the funniest one to date!!

  6. Unregistered Comment by Cheryl

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    Mystery solved

    .

    I beg to differ, Misha. Too many holes in this story.

  7. Rurik Comment by Rurik

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    1917 — The Italians, having failed for 2 years and 235,000 casualties to move the frontlines far enough for it to be visible on a map, try once again in the Trentino region. 23,000 casualties later, they’re still stuck on the same mountaintop, forced to listen to the incessant yodeling from the Austrians, sitting on theirs.

    1940 — Italy declares war on Britain and, since it seems like the hip thing to do, france as well. I mean, why not? The Germans, still remembering the Italian feats of arms during WWI, wisely decide to tell the Italians to just sit tight and not touch anything.

    Erwin Rommel, who fought as a junior officer with a German unit on the Italian front later quipped that “The Austrian is the missing link between Man and Italian.”

  8. LC Wil Comment by LC Wil

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    Thanks, muchly!

    Today sucked. I needed that.

  9. sig94 Comment by sig94

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    *urp*

    …and donuts were bouncing out all over the highway as he fled from the police.

    *drool*

    All us highly trained law enforcement professionals KNOW that our first responsibility, our highest priority, our numero uno big thing we do when arriving at the scene of a crime is to offer assistance to the victims.

    *slobber*

    All those helpless pastries laying in the road. Crying. Hurled from their warm, safe shelter in the back of a delivery van. Their comfy cardboard boxes still bearing the remains of their shattered lives.

    *lick, snarf*
    Their icing *yum* bruised and vulnerable. Raspberry filling leaching out onto *egads!* the hot pavement.

    *sob*

    No one to care for them in this heartless, wicked world. Why, in a matter of hours they are day olds!

    The pursuing officers made the ultimate waistline sacrifice in tending to the victims of this horrendous evil.

    *belch*

    “illegitimi non carbohydates”

  10. Alan K. Henderson Comment by Alan K. Henderson

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    1940 — Italy declares war on Britain and, since it seems like the hip thing to do, france as well. I mean, why not? The Germans, still remembering the Italian feats of arms during WWI, wisely decide to tell the Italians to just sit tight and not touch anything.

    June 11, 1940 - The Italian Air Force attacked Malta.
    So much for that idea :-)

  11. SoCalOilMan, LC Comment by SoCalOilMan, LC

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    I know this isn’t the “lighter side” of the day, but this is a day that should be noted…John “Duke” Wayne passed on today.

    This man, as one-dimensional an actor as he was….he was John Wayne playing John Wayne. He set the basis of my ideals to this day.

    Honor, courage, love of country.

  12. LC 0311 crunchie Comment by LC 0311 crunchie

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    Benjamin Franklin decides to fly a kite in a thunderstorm, suggesting that he might not have been in full possession of all of his marbles at all times.

    Franklin later hooked up lightning rods, connected to a bell which would ring when lightning struck. His house and would frequently have sparks and loud bangs, which led to his subsequent inventions of the fire department and fire insurance.

  13. LC 0311 crunchie Comment by LC 0311 crunchie

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    This man, as one-dimensional an actor as he was….he was John Wayne playing John Wayne.

    My uncle Ed, the WWII and Korea Marine, spent many a weekend drinking with the Duke at his house. He had an open invitation for service men and treated them like gold. That’s almost exactly how he described Wayne. He said the Duke didn’t act, what you saw on the screen was what he was.

    He set the basis of my ideals to this day.

    You and me both brother. We need another Duke just as bad as we need another Reagan. Tom Selleck seems about the closest we are likely to get.

  14. B.C., Imperial Torturer™ Comment by B.C., Imperial Torturer™

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    Messina was arrested later on when they found him wandering around an intersection with glazed eyes…

  15. SoCalOilMan, LC Comment by SoCalOilMan, LC

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    He said the Duke didn’t act, what you saw on the screen was what he was.

    On “The Movie Channel” (TMC) they have a story where the Duke “fell asleep” in one of the booths, they decided to leave him there until morning… when they got in, he was up and cooking breakfast, asked what they wanted and made their breakfast.

    I just love that story.

  16. Unregistered Comment by Tortoise Herder

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    Ah, yes.

    One of my favorite things about studying the North Africa campaign is the German chauvinism about Italians. If only because it is so hilariously inaccurate and ironic.

    The main problem with the Italian army in WWI was not so much the army itself as with who commanded it. And that would be Luigi “strategy? what strategy?” Cadorna.

    The Italian army was in fact frequently better equipped, led, and trained than the Austrian “army.” The problems happened when; instead of using the mountainous terrain to outflank, encircle, and bleed out the Austrians, Cadorna simply used mindlessly stupid attacks over and over and over, taking a break to beat off Austrian attacks.

    It is notable that the Austrians had even worse deals when on the offensive, and even at Capporetto, the Austrians and Germans suffered far heavier than was officially recorded, but since German home morale was in the rut, it had to look spectacular, nevermind little things like facts.

    But that is not to say that the Italians were terribly prepared. Cadorna was sacked after Capporetto, and replaced with Armando Diaz.

    Diaz took what little time he had rearrainging what Cadorna had ruined; reequipping the army with the most modern weapons possible at that time, training them for warfare, issuing gas canisters, expanding the Arditi and Alpini elite units, training the Italians in improved mountain warfare, and at the battles of Mount Grappa, Piave River, and Vittorio-Venitio, he slowly bled out the Austrian advance, regained the initiative, pushed them back, and than finished the job.

    It remains a very much revered campaign and is still studied today. For the cost of 146,000 men, the Italians and their Western Allied advisers inflicted well over half a million losses and destroyed the Austrian army once and for all. This was the start of the end for WWI, for Germany was going it alone.

    In WWII, Hitler was nervous about Italy, because though he had his faithful (if quick-to-anger and independent-minded) puppet the Italian Moose running the country, the majority of the Italians LOATHED him. Needless to say, were it not for Il Dunce’s nationalistic bombast about seizing Dalmatria and others, he would have been gone ages ago.

    So, der Fuher packed the Italian army with large amounts of German “voulanteers” to send into battle against the Western Allies, with whom it was thought that the Italians would defect to otherwise. However, the Italian Moose decided to alienate these Germans via putting his officers over them, forcing them to speak Italian on pain of death, on AND off duty, and basically morale plummited. In the meantime, most of the actual Italian-majority units were sent to fight Tito in Yugoslavia or the Soviets in the East, as most Italians, both Fascists and Anti-Fascists loathed them, and thus it was expected that they would be able to fight better there, with less defections.

    So, laughably enough, most of the ribbing of Italians in the North Africa campaign were Germans ribbing Germans! Another fact so conveniently “forgotten” by the Germans is that after the Italians switched sides, the Italian military was retrained re-equipped by the British and Americans. This “New Model Italian Army” was responsible for several humiliating defeats for the Germans, including participating in the Po River campaign towards the end of the war.