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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Not Al Gore
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Once upon a midnight dreary, as I wondered weak and weary
Why the Goreacle is such a tedious, monumental bore.
Surely in the loads of drivel, tripe to make a man’s brain shrivel,
Interspersed with jibes uncivil, there’d be something to explore?
Could that whole ungodly slideshow be but lies and nothing more?
Would that someone had kept score!

Frantically in search of answers to Al Gore’s extravaganzas,
Mine eyes did light upon a paper lying on my office floor.
‘Fore my eyes two words were forming, words that looked like “global warming”,
Soon I found myself a-storming, straight across my office floor
To snatch up that hopeful beacon like a ship in search of shore.
Wanting badly to learn more.

There, within its brittle pages, words of scientific sages
Summarized the essence of the Gorebot’s claims of yore.
Are the mountains’ snowy summits shrinking as the coolness plummets,
Or, as some say, due to forests fewer than there were before?
Who is right and free of folly with a hand on wisdom’s door?
Quoth the experts: “Not Al Gore.”

What about the winds a-blowing, are their forces ever growing
Caused by global heating’s menace, doomed to rise forevermore?
Or is the real truth quite another? Is there no rise in windy bother?
Is it true our Earthly mother has less storms than e’er before?
Who is using facts to silence his opponent’s witless roar?
Quoth the experts: “Not Al Gore.”

Are the deserts getting bigger with unheard of vim and vigor
Leaving naught but arid wastelands as we watch the tempr’ture soar?
Or perhaps the sand’s retreating while poor farmers now are meeting
Ends on green land that was nothing but a sea of sand before?
One of the two sides is telling nothing but the truth; no more.
Quoth the experts: “Not Al Gore.”

Are the tundras really melting, caused by warming’s heavy welting
While the ursine ice floe dwellers float on ice cubes far from shore?
Or, perhaps, they’re getting colder, leaving nary an ice-free boulder
While the ice sheets cover more land than they did the year before?
Who had nailed this vital question with real science true and sure?
Quoth the experts: “Not Al Gore.”

I put the paper down and wondered where humanity had blundered
Putting faith in mindless cretins that sane people should ignore.
“There is one born every minute, with the brains G-d gave a linnet.”
I thought and saw the gospel in it, “thus it will be evermore.”
To whom should one turn for advice for what the future has in store?
Quoth the experts: “NOT AL GORE!”

32 Responses to “Not Al Gore”
  1. Xystus Comment by Xystus

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    Wow! Did Your Rottieness write this parody all by your vicious self? The world could use more such poetic talent in our good cause!

  2. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    Thanks! And yes, I did indeed. The muse came over me, I suppose.

    I was reading the article that I’m linking to and then, for absolutely no logical reason at all, The Raven popped into my mind and I decided to see if I could make it fit.

  3. terry smyth Comment by terry smyth

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    Poetry in the vein of Keats o Wordsorth Misha.
    I am sympathetic to you US Guys, you hve algore, or if thron into a spanish bullring, all Gore!!
    An to think that we only have Bob Brown and Kerrie Nettle. google these peices of decrepit marsupial fertaliser, and one comes from my home state of Tasmania.Garrrrk!

  4. Xystus Comment by Xystus

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    I’ve found that my own occasional attempts at poetry have seemed mostly related to some negative motivation, such as dislike of someone. Having a poetic model to follow obviously helps, but for an English major I sure am unproductive in the verse department.

  5. Unregistered Comment by mindy1

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    HEHEHE I love it when you can express yourself. I wish I could do so easily.

  6. Unregistered Comment by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant

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    Sire, are you sure  you didn’t get any help from Doggerel? (grin)

  7. Unregistered Comment by Fredrik

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    That was truly excellent. Bravo!

  8. Ivo Vegter Comment by Ivo Vegter

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    Very well put. There’s one born every minute, indeed. After I watched The Great Global Warming Swindle, friends insisted I go pay to watch Al Gore’s drivel too. I declined, having heard Gore describe the film to my satisfaction.

    I can recommend the former, though, if you haven’t seen it. The funniest bit is where they explain how the global warming scare was originally a plot by Maggie Thatcher to break the unions and promote nuclear power. When leftwing activists found they no longer had a Soviet Union to defend, they all swarmed to the anti-capitalist environmental movement, entirely suckered. Had me in stitches, it did.

  9. Unregistered Pingback by Inoperable Terran » “Not Al Gore!”

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    […] is way too clever. Posted by Ian S. […]

  10. LC SkyeChild Comment by LC SkyeChild

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    Author! author!

    Nicely done, Misha!

  11. NevadaDailySteve Comment by NevadaDailySteve

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    I am gob-smacked. That is the best take-down of the gorebot I’ve ever seen.

    I tip my hat to a great poet!

  12. Unregistered Comment by Cheryl

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    This is the best parody of “The Raven” I’ve read. Whenever did you even have time to write it, Misha?

    Poor Edgar Poe. He wrote great short stories, but he’s probably best known for “The Raven.” He poured his heart out into it, and it ended up the butt of some extremely scathing parodies over the years. I recall one on “The Simpsons” during the first season that was narrated by Homer and was very funny.

  13. Unregistered Comment by JakeTheSnake

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    Cheryl, now I’ll have the image in my mind all day of the Bart-raven flying around screeching “Nevermore”. Pretty funny stuff.

  14. Unregistered Comment by Cheryl

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    Jake:

    I know! Anytime I think of that poem, all I can hear is Homer’s “Doh!” monotone!

    Heh!

  15. Beth* A. Comment by Beth* A.

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    Bravo, Sire! *applause*

    And, ‘Snap!’ Delfts and I were just discussing this poem last night - don’t know why either.

    I tried like crazy to memorize the original version of that poem in school, as Poe’s rhymes were so carefully, beautifully, painstakingly crafted (’and each seperate dying ember, wrought it’s ghost upon the floor’, or ‘and each silken, sad, uncertain, rustling of each purple curtain’, etc) but only made it thru about the first 6 stanzas…It’s always been a favorite of mine.

    Clever of You to make use of it’s framework this way; and a great way to start the day - thanks for that! :-)

  16. LC Mrs. M-ITT™ Comment by LC Mrs. M-ITT™

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    Very well done Sire!

  17. purple raider Comment by purple raider

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    Well done sir.

    Raider Nation applaudes you.

  18. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

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    Awww… Y’all are, quite literally, too kind.

    I swear upon a stack of Bibles that I did it all myself (and therefore assume full responsibility for any violence I have done to Master Poe’s masterpiece), although I, obviously, had great help in the brilliant template created by the master himself.

    Now, it wasn’t at all easy, I’ll have to say that, but that’s hardly surprising, seeing as how Mr. Poe was a genius whereas I, sadly, am not. Trying to squeeze my hopelessly inadequate words into a framework as masterfully crafted and painfully intricate as the original was quite a task and, I hasten to admit, I did have to tweak a bit here and there. I hope that the spirit of Poe will forgive me and that my small tweaks weren’t too jarring.

    Once again, thank you. I am not worthy *takes a bow*.

  19. Unregistered Pingback by Electric Venom » Blog Archive » Nine Nibbles

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    […] 8. Poetry for the Republican masses. […]

  20. TJ's Anti-Contrarian Blog Comment by TJ's Anti-Contrarian Blog

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    Very Well done, Highness.

    I saw the same article and felt compelled to compare him to Jim Jones

    The Goreacle’s Rising but the Temperature’s Falling

  21. Unregistered Comment by Farmor

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    Oh yeah - he is a poet - but does not know it.
    But i Did.

    LOL

  22. LC Wil Comment by LC Wil

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    * CLAP * CLAP * CLAP *

    Magnificent, Majesty! A Benevolent Ruler, a Warrior, and a Poet, as well? We are not worthy!

    {[( . . er, you do of course, realize I am keeping a copy of this masterpiece to share, right? . . )]}

  23. MuscleDaddy Comment by MuscleDaddy

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    *sniff*

    That was fargin’ beautiful.

    - MuscleDaddy

  24. Rurik Comment by Rurik

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    Outstanding! It deserves a toast. I do not think the toast should be made in Amontillado - unless of course we can persuade the Gorbicle to join us to inspect the cask.

  25. sig94 Comment by sig94

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    As soon as Gore’s done reading Misha’s words, his brain will be bleeding
    Trying to escape the logic he simply can’t ignore.
    Instead of offsets and corporate banking, we all know what he’ll be yanking
    Although Tipper’s ass might get a little sore.
    There will be no global warming, no hurricanes or storming,
    And perhaps we may be facing another chore.
    For it looks like Global Chillin’ may be the next icy villain.
    But whatever, it ain’t what Al says is in store.

  26. Unregistered Comment by leoni2

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    Beautiful, Emperor. Beautiful.
    That was something to read.

    Now if Al would just back to the obsurity that he so richly deserves.

  27. LC HJ Caveman82952 Comment by LC HJ Caveman82952

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    Heh, heh…you related to Poe, perchance, Misha?

  28. TheCount Comment by TheCount

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    Well, I sure have found this years Halloween Party Poetry reading, to be much more fun, thanks to the Emperor!

  29. Unregistered Comment by blacktygrrrr

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    Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!

    eric :)

  30. LC Nixcell Comment by LC Nixcell

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    If Poe were alive to see this fantastic piece o’ work, he would probably have given the laurels to you, yer Majestic poetry-ness!

    I’m…I’m so proud *sniff*

  31. Unregistered Trackback by ThinkingMeat

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    Are wingnuts stupid, dishonest, or both?…

    It’s soooo easy to bamboozle a wingnut.

    Just make up a semi-scientific-sounding quote, attribute it to people who never said it, and they lap it up like it was a triple fudge nut sundae.

    Case in point: A recent opinion piece in the Chicago S…

  32. Unregistered Pingback by Slattsnews » Well-versed on myth-maker

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    […] The above brilliant parody of Poe’s The Raven is from the hand of Emperor Misha I at the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiller site — always illuminating and […]