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Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler » Join the Imperial Party
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Join the Imperial Party

It is time, Loyal Citizens of the Empire, to realize that the only salvation lies in discarding the old and going with something new. And what better replacement for the corrupt One Party Republicrat System we have now than an Imperial One Party System?

At least we don’t even pretend to be all about giving a voice to the people and representing our constituents. That’s another point for us: Honesty.

No, we’re not in the least bit interested in letting the majority rule because, as we all know, the majority are a bunch of knuckle-dragging, Oprah-watching peasants with the IQ of a goat. A particularly dumb goat. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but just as they surely wouldn’t like for us to interrupt American Idol with a biopic about von Clausewitz or Alexander the Great, we don’t see why we should put up with having to pretend giving a good flip about what they “think” about the federal interest rate.

Here’s the deal, Ignorant Majority: We’ll leave you alone if you’ll return the favor. We’ll guarantee you your Dr Phil, Oprah and Days of Our Lives, if you’ll guarantee that you’ll never, ever, not once again pretend to have something worthwhile to say about geopolitics, the law, national economics or anything else having to do with actually running a country.

Heck, we’ll throw in the Imperial Home Entertainment Center Tax Credit™ along with free subscriptions to the Home Shopping Network, just to show you how much we care. Don’t worry about no longer being able to bitch about stuff that you obviously do not understand a single word of, because we’ll make sure that you simply don’t have the time to do so. For free!

Can’t beat that. Right, couch potatoes?

But wait, there’s MORE!

No longer, as a matter of fact never again will you have your favorite reality TV show interrupted by some politician blowhard pestering you about remembering to vote, because there’ll be no elections! No politicians either, so you can once again take your kid outside during the fall season without having to worry about your precious little one being slobbered on by some borderline pederast trying to get your vote. No pathetic letters from Congresscritters you haven’t even heard about (even though you’ve lived in their district for your entire life), begging you to fork over your hard-earned cash so they can go to Washington and steal whatever is left. No staying up until the wee hours to follow the election results, not because you really give a good damn but because everybody else (who don’t care either) will be blathering about it around the water cooler tomorrow, because there won’t be any results to follow.

So forget about voting rights. They’re overrated and, believe you us, not worth it in the long run.

Anyway, since there’ll be only one election, namely the one where we take over power and subsequently abolish elections, we really believe that it’s important that we go into details about the party platform, since you’ll only ever get to vote on it once, which is the reason for this page. You may never get a chance to vote again, but we’re going to make abundantly sure that you know what you’re getting. UPDATE: OK, so maybe it’s unreasonable to completely abolish democracy, some of you have expressed concerns about that, so we’ve added an amendment to address it. Just don’t come whining to us when you have to watch endless hours of election coverage every two years or so. Who said that we’re an unreasonable Emperor? We LISTEN!

Oh, and since the world is a complex place, we expect to be updating this page continuously to reflect the many new issues that are bound to pop up, not to mention that we’re going to need time to come up with an opinion on everything and perhaps expound on issues that we’ve already covered. So keep coming back and, if you feel that there’s something we haven’t addressed, don’t hesitate to ask us to. There are very few things about which we don’t have an arrogant, set in stone opinion, and we do so love to share.

If you disagree with any of our stances, feel free to let us know that as well. We need a rough census to know how many Imperial Hard Labor Camps we’re going to need.

ISSUES:

  • TAXES: We don’t like them, and if it wasn’t for the fact that we need something to pay for ruling the world, we’d abolish the whole concept in a heartbeat. We’ll do our best to pay for everything with monies that we’ve stolen received in tribute from lesser (as opposed to full) provinces of the Empire, and we’ll make sure to keep the rest to a minimum. If it doesn’t serve to make the Empire stronger and safer, we won’t be wasting your funds on it. Furthermore, we’ll make do with sales taxes. There’s no need for you to tell us how much you earn or how you earned it, as a matter of fact it’s none of our damn business, we’ll just take our cut when you buy stuff with it. No yearly filling in of forms, no random audits, no biting your nails, praying that the IRS won’t show up on your doorstep with Uzis because you forgot to declare the 20 bucks you made selling your deceased Aunt Maple’s favorite dildo.
  • FISCAL RESTRAINT: If we ain’t got it, we don’t get to spend it. If we have to, as in some tin pot dictatorship being in dire need of an ass-kicking, we’ll sell bonds. Then we’ll pay you back with interest once the ass-kicking is over and the reparations tab has been paid. And it will be paid.

    Budgets will be made according to what we have in the Treasury and whether we absolutely HAVE to spend money on something. If it’s something that can be done by a private company, we’ll let them deal with the hassle and let them make a few bucks in the process. The less we have to govern, the more time we can spend on abusing the servants and laying plans for foreign invasions. And every potentially tax-hike-causing addition to the budget will have to pass the “do we really want to maybe having to face an enraged mob of LCs over this?” test.

  • ENERGY: Can you say “nuclear?” We knew you could. It’s cheap, it’s plentiful and it’s clean. If the hippies don’t like it, they’re screwed. The fact that they think that their knowledge of auras and imagined ability to commune with Gaia outweighs decades of science is wholly irrelevant, as is everything else they might say, now that we think about it.

    We know that we’ll need oil for some things still, at least for a while, which is why the caribous can kiss their asses goodbye, right now. If we have to choose between Grandma being able to pay her utility bill and some four-legged critter in Alaska… Hand us the caribou recipes, please. If there’s oil to be found in the Empire, then by G-d we’re going to drill for it! It’ll create jobs, cheap gas and it’ll give the Islamofascists something to cry about when they realize that their only export just became less than worthless. Let’s see the Wahhabist oil ticks trying to eat the stuff.

  • THE ENVIRONMENT: If it’s not in the way of the prosperity of the Empire and its citizens, then it can stay. Species have become extinct by the thousands since time immemorial, and we see no reason to change a proud tradition, particularly not one that hasn’t harmed us one little bit. The only species on the top of our List of Concerns is homo sapiens, and if there’s a conflict between said species’ needs and those of a spotted, five-legged brush crab, then we’ll just have to make do without the critters, now won’t we?

    Nature is an inhospitable, nasty place with a multitude of ways to kill you or at least make you supremely uncomfortable, so our main concern will be to see how much of it we can make do without. Unless it just HAS to stay, it’s gone as soon as we find something better to do with the real estate. If you think that 8-lane highways “violate” the “rights” of trees and endangered frogs, go live in the Amazon. Just don’t come whining to us when you’re dying of dysentery, malaria, poisoning and various and assorted other of Gaia’s “gifts.”

  • ABORTION: If you think that it’s alright to kill an unborn child because its presence would be an inconvenience to you, by all means go right ahead. Just be very careful that you never become an inconvenience to anybody, because we’ll make a note of the value that you put on human life, and we’ll make a point of reminding you.
  • IMMIGRATION: If you want to contribute to the Empire as an LC, assimilating completely with your new family and sharing the duties and rights and privileges that we have, then step right up and make yourself at home. If, on the other hand, you are of the opinion that our way of doing things is inferior to how it’s done where you come from, we strongly suggest that you stay in your personal Paradise and refrain from trying to fuck up ours, because we’ll have absolutely none of it. We like it here and if you don’t, nobody’s forcing you to stay. As a matter of fact, we’ll be only too happy to escort you to the border and dropkick you across it.

    Also, if you choose to come here, do yourself a favor and follow the legal procedure. Millions of others have done so before you, and there is absolutely no way in Hell that you’re going to convince us that you’re so damned special that you deserve preferential treatment. If you still think that the best way in is to break the law, we’d like to remind you that we’ll deal with you like any other home invader. With the exception that we’ll actually pay a reward to whoever snuffs out your ass.

  • THE LAW: The Constitution means what it says. If you don’t like what it says, leave. If you try to invent a new right that isn’t specifically outlined in the Constitution, we’ll kick your ass. If you happen to be doing so from the bench, we’ll kick your ass, then send you off to enjoy the rest of your life strip mining for uranium in Alaska. Naked.

    If you STILL think that something should be covered by the Constitution, you’ll just have to amend it which, given that we’ve abolished that wasteful entitlement program for illiterate, useless fuckheads that we used to call Congress, will require the following process:

    First, you have to tell His Majesty why he shouldn’t just kick your ass and throw you to the lions, and you’ll have to convince us.

    Second, you’ll have to travel the various States in random order, arguing as best you can in the public square, and we DO mean “public square” literally, for your proposed amendment, answering all questions to the best of your ability. Then it’s time for the free-for-all, where your supporters get to fight it out with your opponents. If you manage not to get your ass kicked decisively in the brawl, we’ll assume that you had more supporters than opponents and you may travel to the next State, where you’ll repeat the process. Once you’ve managed to avoid being beaten to a pulp and/or run out of town on a rail in 3/4 of the States, we’ll adopt your amendment.

  • LAW ENFORCEMENT: The Imperial Police are your friends, and they spend all of their working hours putting their asses on the line for you, so they’ll be well paid indeed. Also, you WILL treat them with respect unless they initiate unpleasantness. “Initiating unpleasantness”, by the way, does NOT include pulling you over for doing 80 in a 45. You knew that you broke the law, so if you start by bitching the officer out for doing his job you’ll get a fine and an asskicking. And that goes for every other situation in which a reasonable person would have no way of thinking that he HADN’T done something wrong. We will demand that our Imperial Police Force address the citizenry with courtesy, but it’s a two way street, pal. They’re there to protect your ass, not kiss it, so frivolous complaints about the officer forgetting to address you as “Your Excellency” will be dealt with harshly. Let’s put it this way: You’ll end up wishing that he had kicked your ass.

    Also, if you break the law you will pay the price. We don’t give a rat’s ass if you were on a sugar high, sat on a cold potty all of your childhood or manage to fool a dumbass shrink into testifying that your IQ is below that of a broccoli stalk. We already knew that. You wouldn’t have committed the crime if you were in possession of all of your marbles, now would you?

    The courts aren’t there to protect you from the consequences of a horrible childhood or to turn you into a wonderful citizen, you already had your chance and you flunked miserably, they’re there to protect society from you. If you can’t deal with that, don’t break the law. Simple as that. We have an ample supply of tiny violins and no shortage of sad tunes if you think that you’re being treated unfairly.

  • CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: Blindfold or no blindfold? Those are your choices. And don’t give us any sad excuses there either. If you were old or smart enough to murder somebody, you’re old and smart enough to get sent on a one-way trip to Hell. Cry to Satan, because we’re not listening. Our job isn’t to consider your root causes, our job is to make sure that you don’t kill again, and dead people are remarkably harmless.
  • FOREIGN POLICY: The Empire of the United States of America is the best damn place on Earth, and don’t you morons unfortunate enough to live elsewhere forget it.

    Also, the safety and national interests of the United States trumps any concerns or agendas you might have. We don’t give a shit. If you’re a threat to us, you’d best make sure your affairs are in order, because you’ll have exactly ONE chance to change your ways. No, the Empire will not give out second chances, as you’ve no doubt become accustomed to. We don’t care about your International Community and how it feels about us because, at the end of the day, the only reason you’re still around is that you haven’t given us sufficient reason to wipe your asses off of our planet. So don’t give us one. Because we will.

    On the other hand, we also don’t care how you choose to run your inferior countries. If you want to be raging socialists or run around in robes worshipping rocks, have at it. At worst, the entertainment value of watching you fuck yourselves up will diminish over time, but we have no doubt that somebody else, somewhere will come up with another stupid scheme that we can laugh our butts off at.

    The only thing we care about is whether your antics are a threat to our national interests or not. If they aren’t, fine. Enjoy yourselves, we know we’ll enjoy watching your idiocy. If they are, however, we’ll issue exactly ONE ultimatum, and we strongly suggest that you follow it to the letter, because the Empire is not about to be annoyed and/or inconvenienced by inferior turd world hellholes.

    If you’re dumb enough to actually attack us, retribution will be brutal, disproportionate and immediate. So just say “no” to aggression. We’ve got enough technology to send every single one of you into orbit five hundred times and still have enough left over for an encore, so don’t even think about it. You’ll live much longer that way.

    And the same goes for our allies. Mess with them and you mess with us. We’ll respond accordingly, and again there’ll be no tiresome debates in the UN about it. The only delay between your act of aggression and our retaliation will be due to having to punch in the GPS coordinates. And we have most of those punched in already, in case you’re wondering.

  • VOTING RIGHTS: A surprisingly large number of you seem to be apprehensive about never being able to vote again, presumably because you’re worried that His Highness may not live forever, thus leaving you in the hands of some irresponsible numbnut with absolutely no recourse to checks and balances. We’ll overlook the obvious insult to the Imperial Heirs here and, instead, acknowledge that you have a point. After all, it’s not completely inconceivable that some future heir might lose his mind and start showing liberal tendencies and, besides, even the Roman Empire had a Senate in place to keep the Emperor from going completely nuts. So here’s how it’s going to be:

    A representative body, let’s call it a Senate, will remain. This will serve to inform and advice His Imperial Majesty of the wisdom of his decrees, suggest new decrees for adoption, as well as the general populace’s opinion of them and, furthermore, in conjunction with the inviolable right of the citizenry to keep and bear arms, constantly remind him that having his ass kicked remains a distinct possibility, should he ever get too full of himself.

    However, said august body will no longer be elected by anybody sentient enough to punch a hole in a piece of paper. It is a known fact that the vast majority of people aren’t qualified to run a lemonade stand, so they shouldn’t be allowed to run an Empire either. More importantly, it is hardly in the best interest of a nation to be a slave to morons only interested in voting themselves bennies for which they’ve never paid a dime. The Empire is a system of government, not a fucking ATM.

    Therefore, in order to vote, you’ll have to meet the following criteria (in addition to the obvious criterion of being a citizen, of course):

    1) You will have served the Empire in some function, for a period no less than 2 years. This is not limited to military service, any service to the Empire, paid of course, because nobody is expected to work for free, approved by decree will be sufficient. And trust us, there will be something you can do to serve your country, no matter how many dumb excuses for sitting on your ass that you can come up with. Should you insist, however, you still have the same rights as any other citizen, you just won’t be allowed to vote. If you’re not willing to serve the ideals that we all decide upon, you don’t get a say in deciding what those ideals should be. Don’t like it? Tough shit. You’re free to leave at any time.

    Your two years of mandatory service will include education in the basics of government, economics and history, in case you were too monumentally stupid to stay awake during the easiest classes in K-12. If you don’t pass the test at the end, however, your service will be null and void as far as voting rights are concerned. We don’t need the ineducable making decisions for all of the rest of us. The good news is that your efforts, should you pass, will count as educational credits AND you’ll be paid while you study.

    Upon completion of your 2 years of service, you’ll be issued an ID card containing nothing but proof of who you are that you will be required by law to present at the polling stations before you’ll be allowed to vote. If you try to cheat the system, you’ll be shot. On the spot.

    2) If you don’t pay taxes, you will not vote. If you’re not among those who will have to pay for your “brilliant” ideas, you don’t get to enact them. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve paid $30 or $3,000,000, as long as you paid something. This will keep you from voting for ridiculously expensive government programs, thinking that somebody else will have to pay for your excesses. Nothing is more likely to keep you honest than the knowledge that you’ll have to do your part footing the bill. You’ll bring some proof of purchase for items bought in this country, it doesn’t matter if you bought a BMW or your weekly groceries, as long as it proves that you paid taxes, and you will bring your Proof of Service to the polling station, or you will not vote. No exceptions. The hard-working, tax-paying citizens of the Empire aren’t your personal sugar daddies and you don’t get to vote yourself bennies from their pockets. Again: If you don’t like it, move. We’ll pay the bus ticket for you.

    3 I addition to the above, you’ll be required to prove that you own property in this country. It doesn’t matter one little bit whether you own Microsoft or a 500 square feet hovel in West Virginia, all that matters is that you own it and, therefore, have a very personal stake in this nation. If the future of this nation doesn’t have any very personal consequences to you, you don’t get to have a say in it.

  • RELIGION: The Empire doesn’t give a flying fuck what or who you believe in or, indeed, if you believe in anything at all. That’s your personal decision, and we neither care nor intend to change it, as long as you respect other people’s right to believe as they want. If, however, you choose to impose your beliefs or non-beliefs on others, you will be shot. On the spot. If your beliefs conflict with the laws of the Empire, you can either shut the fuck up and live with it, leave the Empire, or be shot. We don’t care what your favorite deity or non-deity said about how things ought to be done. If you can’t live with it, you can live somewhere else or die here.

    Also, your right to believe as you wish does NOT guarantee you the right to tell those who don’t agree with you to shut up about it. If somebody else’s beliefs, provided that they aren’t trying to force them upon you, bother you so much, you’re free to go hide under your bed. Or you can be shot. Your choice. Their right to believe in anything they choose to believe in is every bit as important as your right to NOT do so. Deal with it or get the fuck out of our free country.

(More to follow, we’re sure).

55 Responses to “Join the Imperial Party”
  1. LC HOGHEAD Comment by LC HOGHEAD

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Im in. Where do I sign ??

  2. Cheapshot911 Comment by Cheapshot911

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Not sign, uphold.
    Anybody can sign anything.
    Live it, Bud.
    That’s unmistakeable commitment.

    Your neighbors might not like you, but sometimes fear is enough to keep the peace.

    ‘Works for me.

  3. Unregistered Comment by LC Staci GBOR

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Emperor, if I may point out a little error. I was already to sign up and all, but I noticed that in the 3rd line of point two (last paragraph), I saw the words tax associated with the number 1040. I was under the impression we wouldn’t be doing this.

    And if I may suggest addressing the issue of religion, as in religious extremism…some examples include the atheists who fight against the right to believe, radical Islamism, radical Christianity (cults and assholes like Phelps)…just to name a few examples.

    I also think some sort of competancy test should be added for voters. Make sure they understand basic concepts of economics, the impact of raising minumum wage, the art of budgeting and saving for retirement, the definition of personal responsibility, history…again, just to name a few. What is scary is some of those people watching crap like Oprah all day do earn a paycheck.

  4. LC Wil Comment by LC Wil

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Minor quibble:

    We know that we’ll need oil for some things still, at least for a while, which is why the caribous can kiss their asses goodbye, right now.

    Can we put them on a ranch, instead of killing them all off right now? Caribu meat is pretty good (properly prepared, of course), and I see a possible addition to the Imperial Treasury following from sales.

    ++++++++++++++++++

    Any positions open in the Imperial Cabinet, yer Majesty? Minister of Bourbon Quality Control, or some such? Palace Cigar Tester? Conservitoir of the Imperial Firing Range? If his Majesty approves, I’m sure we could find something.

  5. sig94 Comment by sig94

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    *Turns off printing press*
    There! The caribou offsets are done. And every one is on the new Imperial Ministery of Delicious Animals letterhead.

    Originally, only property owners could vote. As we wander further and further from the Constitution, the wisdom of the Founding Fathers becomes more apparent. They understood human nature and the temptations inherent to fallen Man. Once Pelousy and her crew get done we’ll have the Fairy Fondling Fathers and empty coffers.

  6. Unregistered Comment by LC Staci GBOR

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    “Originally, only property owners could vote. As we wander further and further from the Constitution, the wisdom of the Founding Fathers becomes more apparent. They understood human nature and the temptations inherent to fallen Man. Once Pelousy and her crew get done we’ll have the Fairy Fondling Fathers and empty coffers.”

    Oh man, I lost a liberal so called friend arguing this very thing! I gave her a copy of the pocket Constitutions with founding father key letters I keep in my car, as a free gift mind you. She threw it at me and told me I insulted her. Still scratching my head on that one.

  7. LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR Comment by LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Since I’m already an Ambassador of the Empire, I want dibs on the Department of State Empire.

    My Foreign Policy “platform” is orbital and consists of a large “bus” (that is what it’s actually called, btw) with various diplomatic recourse methods ranging from kT to mT.

    Any questions? Good….

  8. Unregistered Comment by Perpetual Student

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    LC Staci GBOR:

    I was already to sign up and all, but I noticed that in the 3rd line of point two (last paragraph), I saw the words tax associated with the number 1040. I was under the impression we wouldn’t be doing this.

    Hey, you’re right. First Misha states that we’d switch to what amounts to the Fair Tax and then we’re supposed to bring tax returns to the polling station? WTF?!

    Halliburton! Cronyism! Big oil! Diebold! etc. etc.

    The other, Heinleinesque voting eligibility criteria is a nice touch, though.

  9. Unregistered Comment by LC & IB Tiberius

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I’m in.

    She threw it at me and told me I insulted her. Still scratching my head on that one.

    The answer to that is remarkably simple - Facts and truth tend to have an insulting effect on leftist scum.

  10. L.C. Rowane Comment by L.C. Rowane

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I put forth my 10 years as an oxymoron (Army Intelligence for the uninitiated) for the Army and call dibs on Chief of Intelligence. With the people we can recruit in the computer field and among the various intelligence services we’d know what was happening a week in advance and be more than prepared for it.

  11. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Hey, you’re right. First Misha states that we’d switch to what amounts to the Fair Tax and then we’re supposed to bring tax returns to the polling station? WTF?!

    Oops. You’re right. We’ll have to drop that one or modify it. I hate internal contradictions.

  12. Unregistered Comment by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    You will have served the Empire in some function, for a period no less than 2 years. This is not limited to military service, any service to the Empire, paid of course, because nobody is expected to work for free, approved by decree will be sufficient.

    I make Train Wreck Stew™ and host Texas Blogfests.  Where’s my frackin’ red carpet?

    Any positions open in the Imperial Cabinet, yer Majesty? Minister of Bourbon Quality Control, or some such? Palace Cigar Tester? Conservitoir of the Imperial Firing Range? If his Majesty approves, I’m sure we could find something.

    You can have Sergeant-at-Arms if you want it.  I wanna be the Imperial Grouch™.

  13. Unregistered Comment by Perpetual Student

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Dangit. “criteria” -> “criterion”.
    Emperor Misha I:

    Oops. You’re right. We’ll have to drop that one or modify it. I hate internal contradictions.

    Just switch it to sales receipts. They’re good enough for the IRS during an audit, right? Just keep the “shot on the spot” rule for cheaters and we should be good to go.

  14. Unregistered Comment by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Using Mozilla SeaMonkey 1.1.1

    Mozilla SeaMonkey?

  15. LC Mrs. M-ITT™ Comment by LC Mrs. M-ITT™

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I guess that puts me in line for Secretary of the Department of Recycling and Refuse Disposal, with special emphasis on the Troll Removal Division.

    Do I get a corner office??

  16. Unregistered Comment by Perpetual Student

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant:

    Mozilla SeaMonkey?

    Aye, Mozilla SeaMonkey. It’s the “production” version of the Mozilla Suite and is quite nice as is the plugin support. I don’t know how it compares to Firefox 2 feature- or performance-wise. I actually use the bundled e-mail client so I haven’t bothered trying Firefox as of late.

  17. DJ Allyn,  ITW Comment by DJ Allyn, ITW

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    The likelihood of any one of you being part of this ruling ‘party’ is about as likely as Michael Jackson being elected Pope.

    The modern-day conservative movement began with Federalists Alexander Hamilton and John Adams, who argued that for a society to be stable it must have a governing elite, and this elite must be separate both in power and privilege from what Adams referred to as “the rabble.” Their Federalist party imploded in the early 19th Century, in large part because of public revulsion over Federalist elitism, a symptom of which was Adams’ signing the Alien and Sedition Acts. (If you’ve only read the Republican biographies of John Adams, you probably don’t remember these laws, even though they were the biggest thing to have happened in Adams’ entire four years in office, and the reason why the citizens of America voted him out of office, and voted Jefferson - who loudly and publicly opposed the Acts - in. They were a 1797 version of the Patriot Act and Patriot II, with startlingly similar language.)

  18. Ten-Ten Comment by Ten-Ten

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I would gladly offer my services as “Imperial Minister of Transportation”. In such a position I could work closely with LC Mrs. M-ITT™ in the Department of Recycling and Refuse Disposal. Someone needs to deliver trolls and other miscreants to the other side of the Imperial Boundaries. However, I cannot guarantee that all malcontents who are loaded onto the cattle car will be viable upon exiting.

  19. LC Wil Comment by LC Wil

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Dave, the modern day conservative party started in 1958. Bill Buckley and the Boyz, remember?

    The modern day ELITIST party (Demogogs, or some such) inherited the mantle of Adams and Hamilton.

  20. LC Wil Comment by LC Wil

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Now lighten up and join the fun. Wanna be Imperial Minister of Technology? I’ll be glad to put in a word with the boss.

  21. LC Mrs. M-ITT™ Comment by LC Mrs. M-ITT™

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Come on DJ…I know that Liberals are devoid of a sense of humor, but surely at least a small amount of it has rubbed off on you here. You just have to let go of reality for a while….

    In other words…be yourself..but with a sense of humor. :undecided_tb:

  22. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Also, we’ve now addressed the subject of religion.

  23. LC HJ Caveman82952 Comment by LC HJ Caveman82952

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Got a pen?????

  24. Trooper THX1138 Comment by Trooper THX1138

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    After serving the Empire as a surgeon for a goodly number of years, can I get Imperial Surgeon General? Or personal physician to the Emperor and the Royal Family.

  25. LC MoMinuteMan Comment by LC MoMinuteMan

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I hereby offer my services to The Empire as Imperial Border Security Secretary. I’ve had plenty of training in perimeter security as an M.P., and I pledge there will be none of the current border bullshit at The Office of B.S.. :lol_wp:

    (sorry, I couldn’t resist…)

  26. LC MoMinuteMan Comment by LC MoMinuteMan

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Besides, a badge with I B S on it would be cool as shit…

  27. Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur Comment by Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Since the position of head of state is taken, how about Chief Justice? *puts the BiW in ‘08 in the trash can* “letters of marque and reprisal for all, indeed…”

  28. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Since the position of head of state is taken, how about Chief Justice? *puts the BiW in ‘08 in the trash can* “letters of marque and reprisal for all, indeed…”

    Hey, I can’t run until somebody fixes the Constitution for me, and guess who I’m counting on to do THAT? :smile1_tb:

    Not to mention that, with you in power, we may not have to go to Stage II at all.

  29. cmblake6 Comment by cmblake6

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    So am I an LC? I’ve done naught but echo the clarion. This is indeed the finest political site I attend, and do well believe in!

  30. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    So am I an LC? I’ve done naught but echo the clarion. This is indeed the finest political site I attend, and do well believe in!

    I dare say that answers your question right there, LC cmblake6.

  31. workinwifdakids Comment by workinwifdakids

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I’m applying for Director of Relics and Antiquities, Personal Firearms Division, Imperial Armory. My job description is to refurbish, rehabilitate, and preserve relic and curio firearms for His Majesty.

    [bowing]

  32. LC MoMinuteMan Comment by LC MoMinuteMan

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    workinwifdakids sez:

    I’m applying for Director of Relics and Antiquities, Personal Firearms Division, Imperial Armory. My job description is to refurbish, rehabilitate, and preserve relic and curio firearms for His Majesty.

    I think WWDK just wants a crack at Lyudmila… :guns_tb:

  33. LC MoMinuteMan Comment by LC MoMinuteMan

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Misha sez:

    Hey, I can’t run until somebody fixes the Constitution for me…

    shitfuckdamnshit… For all the times the Constitution is right, THIS is the one time that it has to be really wrong… :mad1_ee: :angry_ee: :mad2_ee: :annoyed_tb:

  34. LC ShadowFox Comment by LC ShadowFox

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    My Emperor, in all seriousness it sounds like many of your and the Constitution Party’s views are rather much in alignment.

    That aside, if any appointments are to be made I humbly ask to be appointed to the Imperial Covert Ops Division. My ability to go unnoticed has allowed me to infiltrate a number of liberal functions. Most recently walking around a biodiesel rally for over an hour while wearing a name tag that said “Hi! My name is: GLOBAL WARMING”.

  35. Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur Comment by Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    That aside, if any appointments are to be made I humbly ask to be appointed to the Imperial Covert Ops Division. My ability to go unnoticed has allowed me to infiltrate a number of liberal functions.

    ShadowFox, that is a useful talent, but they won’t be around to infiltrate since we’ll fly in in our black helicopters, swoop in out of the night, and drag them off screaming to our sooper sekrit non-existant prisonn camps because they dared open their mouths and let their inexcusible inanities tumble from their lips. After all, they’ve been whining about such a thing for years with no result. They have gotten spoiled. But first we’ll have to announce the revocation of habeus corpus and the public program to not only intercept all of their ‘private’ conversations, but to publically publish them for all to see….bbbuuwwwahahahahahahah!!!

  36. Xystus Comment by Xystus

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I might qualify if there were such a position as Imperial Piper–unless someone else here plays the Black Sticks of the De’il. Or maybe there’s be an opening in whatever organization handles Imperial heraldry…

  37. LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR Comment by LC JackBoot IC/A-OBR

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Since the position of head of state is taken, how about Chief Justice? *puts the BiW in ‘08 in the trash can* “letters of marque and reprisal for all, indeed…”

    WooHoo.. Chief Justice BisW- We expect you do be like Scalia on particularly grumpy day. The ceegar is optional, but it would give you the persona we’re looking for. Besides, you can still nay, will get those Letters of Marque and Reprisal distributed. My shop will need many. Perhaps a generic version would do, my stafflings could print in “Starbucks” or Pyongyang at the appropriate time.

  38. Unregistered Comment by LC Staci GBOR

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Thank you Emporer. I’m dealing with some nasty cultist zealots at the moment. Wish we could impose this stuff NOW. The violators would qualify to be shot or shoved off the boat in my case. I hope chumming up the water before I do this will count as being shot. Gotta feed the sharks, ya know?

    I’m not sure what title I would want, but would love to serve. If you find a need that you believe I can fill, at your service Sire. I think I would be very good at chasing away any stupidity who comes in and tries to infiltrate our empire with their illogic and stupidity and commie ideals. So if you find a need for a formal position addressing that, I would be honored to be considered.

  39. warthog_62 Comment by warthog_62

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Sire, being willing to start anywhere….

    If I can actually use my 1911, can I be an Imperial Border Guard?

    Will we actually get to shoot illegal aliens?

  40. Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur Comment by Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    The ceegar is optional, but it would give you the persona we’re looking for.

    Coronas for Letters? Sounds like a good trade off to me!

  41. Iacobus Comment by Iacobus

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Ooo…ooo…I want to join!

    Is there a position for the arts? I want something specifically music-related. (Minister of Musical Education?)

    Somebody has to save the world from the Dixie Chicks and their ilk, right?

  42. MasterGuns Comment by MasterGuns

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I will retain my fief out here in the “provinces” and keep the moonbats out. May I have a few trolls for my crabpots? They make decent bait…..crabs aren’t picky.

    I believe you may require a Minister of War…..I may be a bit long in the tooth but I may be qualified. If not, I will simply command my loyal minions for you.

    I have to leave for DC in a couple hours. Talk to you when I can.

    Semper Fi

  43. Unregistered Comment by LC & IB Tiberius

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Is Chief of Secret Police taken?

    I am confident I can make a positive contribution to the Empire.

    I like to think that the best way to help people is to help them recognize their mistakes.

    I firmly believe that the best way to help leftists and terrorists realize that their decision to take up arms against and to try to subvert the Empire was the worst mistake of their lives is by weeks and months of horrible, excruciating torture.

    Being such stalwart believers in personal responsibility, I see it as the responsibility of said leftists and terrorists to actually learn from their mistakes.

    My duty, as I see it, will be to make them realize their mistake so they can go on to learn from it if they wish. :twisted_wp:

  44. Unregistered Comment by Uchuck the Tuchuck

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    I got a shotgun and a leaky johnboat. Can I be in charge of the Coastal Defense of Nebraska?

  45. Bill H Comment by Bill H

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Misha, as the Resident Car Guy, just let me be the Secretary for the NHTSA. Anyone stupid enough to suggest worthless ’safety’ features fo next year’s models while invoking “For the Children” to me will be shot. On the spot. With a HARM missile.

  46. Emperor Misha I Comment by Emperor Misha I

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    We seem to have quite a few very worthy candidates for various offices here. Not that that surprises me. High quality LCs are the rule, not the exception, in the Empire. :thumbup_tb:

  47. Unregistered Comment by Lord Spatula I, King & Tyrant

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Does that mean I can be the Imperial Grouch™ now? 

  48. Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur Comment by Blackiswhite, Imperial Agent Provocateur

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Does that mean I can be the Imperial Grouch™ now?

    Spats, you’ve always performed the duty. :wink_ee:

  49. LC 0311 crunchie Comment by LC 0311 crunchie

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Sire, I stand ready to serve but it seems that many of the positions I want er..am qualified for are taken.

    Perhaps something in the Imperial Armory. I do have some minor gunsmithing skills. I don’t want to step on the Imperial Firearms Advisor’s toes but I’m a fairly knowledgeable firearms instructor as well.

    Ah hell, maybe just a position as an Imperial Stormtrooper or maybe in the Imperial Marine Corps (that is if the age restrictions can be adjusted in some way maybe?

    Just let me know what tribute I must pay or what level of groveling His Majesty considers appropriate. And I’ll work cheap. Budweiser, Jack Daniels and ceegars, and a rack to sleep it off in.

  50. LC & IB FIAR Comment by LC & IB FIAR

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    D’oh! I posted this in the post directing us here. Wrong tab.

    CTRL+C CTRL+V baby.

    I would like to suggest that while people maintain the right not to possess firearms, training in use, responsibility, safety, maintenance, shooting, etc. should be mandatory.

    We don’t want people recklessly waving loaded guns around like ignorant yahoos, nor do we want someone unable to hit the mark when necessary.

  51. Serious Sean Comment by Serious Sean

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Could I be the Imperial Grand Admiral? :D

  52. Bill H Comment by Bill H

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Does that mean I can be the Imperial Grouch™ now?

    Spats, the neatest thing about the Empire is it always allows people to “Be All That They Can Be”. :king_tb:

  53. Unregistered Comment by readerjp

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Sometimes I despair of men.

    Oh man, I lost a liberal so called friend arguing this very thing! I gave her a copy of the pocket Constitutions with founding father key letters I keep in my car, as a free gift mind you. She threw it at me and told me I insulted her. Still scratching my head on that one.

    Did it ever occur to you that it might, just might be because women had no voting rights back then?

    I hope you are not campaigning for that!

  54. Bill H Comment by Bill H

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    Did it ever occur to you that it might, just might be because women had no voting rights back then?

    readerjp- I direct your ignorance to the 19th Amendment. It very succinctly corrects that problem.

  55. Thresher Comment by Thresher

    Strict Standards: call_user_func_array() expects parameter 1 to be a valid callback, non-static method emotions::filter_text() should not be called statically in /home/misha/public_html/2007/wp-includes/plugin.php on line 59

    My Lord, I’m still waiting for my nomination to head of NSA. I will renew my warning though, that all visiting belligerent heads of state are subject to termination without prior knowledge of the Executive. Unless you wanna suggest a form of execution, of course. ;)