Join the Imperial Party
It is time, Loyal Citizens of the Empire, to realize that the only salvation lies in discarding the old and going with something new. And what better replacement for the corrupt One Party Republicrat System we have now than an Imperial One Party System?
At least we don’t even pretend to be all about giving a voice to the people and representing our constituents. That’s another point for us: Honesty.
No, we’re not in the least bit interested in letting the majority rule because, as we all know, the majority are a bunch of knuckle-dragging, Oprah-watching peasants with the IQ of a goat. A particularly dumb goat. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but just as they surely wouldn’t like for us to interrupt American Idol with a biopic about von Clausewitz or Alexander the Great, we don’t see why we should put up with having to pretend giving a good flip about what they “think” about the federal interest rate.
Here’s the deal, Ignorant Majority: We’ll leave you alone if you’ll return the favor. We’ll guarantee you your Dr Phil, Oprah and Days of Our Lives, if you’ll guarantee that you’ll never, ever, not once again pretend to have something worthwhile to say about geopolitics, the law, national economics or anything else having to do with actually running a country.
Heck, we’ll throw in the Imperial Home Entertainment Center Tax Credit™ along with free subscriptions to the Home Shopping Network, just to show you how much we care. Don’t worry about no longer being able to bitch about stuff that you obviously do not understand a single word of, because we’ll make sure that you simply don’t have the time to do so. For free!
Can’t beat that. Right, couch potatoes?
But wait, there’s MORE!
No longer, as a matter of fact never again will you have your favorite reality TV show interrupted by some politician blowhard pestering you about remembering to vote, because there’ll be no elections! No politicians either, so you can once again take your kid outside during the fall season without having to worry about your precious little one being slobbered on by some borderline pederast trying to get your vote. No pathetic letters from Congresscritters you haven’t even heard about (even though you’ve lived in their district for your entire life), begging you to fork over your hard-earned cash so they can go to Washington and steal whatever is left. No staying up until the wee hours to follow the election results, not because you really give a good damn but because everybody else (who don’t care either) will be blathering about it around the water cooler tomorrow, because there won’t be any results to follow.
So forget about voting rights. They’re overrated and, believe you us, not worth it in the long run.
Anyway, since there’ll be only one election, namely the one where we take over power and subsequently abolish elections, we really believe that it’s important that we go into details about the party platform, since you’ll only ever get to vote on it once, which is the reason for this page. You may never get a chance to vote again, but we’re going to make abundantly sure that you know what you’re getting. UPDATE: OK, so maybe it’s unreasonable to completely abolish democracy, some of you have expressed concerns about that, so we’ve added an amendment to address it. Just don’t come whining to us when you have to watch endless hours of election coverage every two years or so. Who said that we’re an unreasonable Emperor? We LISTEN!
Oh, and since the world is a complex place, we expect to be updating this page continuously to reflect the many new issues that are bound to pop up, not to mention that we’re going to need time to come up with an opinion on everything and perhaps expound on issues that we’ve already covered. So keep coming back and, if you feel that there’s something we haven’t addressed, don’t hesitate to ask us to. There are very few things about which we don’t have an arrogant, set in stone opinion, and we do so love to share.
If you disagree with any of our stances, feel free to let us know that as well. We need a rough census to know how many Imperial Hard Labor Camps we’re going to need.
- TAXES: We don’t like them, and if it wasn’t for the fact that we need something to pay for ruling the world, we’d abolish the whole concept in a heartbeat. We’ll do our best to pay for everything with monies that we’ve
stolenreceived in tribute from lesser (as opposed to full) provinces of the Empire, and we’ll make sure to keep the rest to a minimum. If it doesn’t serve to make the Empire stronger and safer, we won’t be wasting your funds on it. Furthermore, we’ll make do with sales taxes. There’s no need for you to tell us how much you earn or how you earned it, as a matter of fact it’s none of our damn business, we’ll just take our cut when you buy stuff with it. No yearly filling in of forms, no random audits, no biting your nails, praying that the IRS won’t show up on your doorstep with Uzis because you forgot to declare the 20 bucks you made selling your deceased Aunt Maple’s favorite dildo.
- FISCAL RESTRAINT: If we ain’t got it, we don’t get to spend it. If we have to, as in some tin pot dictatorship being in dire need of an ass-kicking, we’ll sell bonds. Then we’ll pay you back with interest once the ass-kicking is over and the reparations tab has been paid. And it will be paid.
Budgets will be made according to what we have in the Treasury and whether we absolutely HAVE to spend money on something. If it’s something that can be done by a private company, we’ll let them deal with the hassle and let them make a few bucks in the process. The less we have to govern, the more time we can spend on abusing the servants and laying plans for foreign invasions. And every potentially tax-hike-causing addition to the budget will have to pass the “do we really want to maybe having to face an enraged mob of LCs over this?” test.
- ENERGY: Can you say “nuclear?” We knew you could. It’s cheap, it’s plentiful and it’s clean. If the hippies don’t like it, they’re screwed. The fact that they think that their knowledge of auras and imagined ability to commune with Gaia outweighs decades of science is wholly irrelevant, as is everything else they might say, now that we think about it.
We know that we’ll need oil for some things still, at least for a while, which is why the caribous can kiss their asses goodbye, right now. If we have to choose between Grandma being able to pay her utility bill and some four-legged critter in Alaska… Hand us the caribou recipes, please. If there’s oil to be found in the Empire, then by G-d we’re going to drill for it! It’ll create jobs, cheap gas and it’ll give the Islamofascists something to cry about when they realize that their only export just became less than worthless. Let’s see the Wahhabist oil ticks trying to eat the stuff.
- THE ENVIRONMENT: If it’s not in the way of the prosperity of the Empire and its citizens, then it can stay. Species have become extinct by the thousands since time immemorial, and we see no reason to change a proud tradition, particularly not one that hasn’t harmed us one little bit. The only species on the top of our List of Concerns is homo sapiens, and if there’s a conflict between said species’ needs and those of a spotted, five-legged brush crab, then we’ll just have to make do without the critters, now won’t we?
Nature is an inhospitable, nasty place with a multitude of ways to kill you or at least make you supremely uncomfortable, so our main concern will be to see how much of it we can make do without. Unless it just HAS to stay, it’s gone as soon as we find something better to do with the real estate. If you think that 8-lane highways “violate” the “rights” of trees and endangered frogs, go live in the Amazon. Just don’t come whining to us when you’re dying of dysentery, malaria, poisoning and various and assorted other of Gaia’s “gifts.”
- ABORTION: If you think that it’s alright to kill an unborn child because its presence would be an inconvenience to you, by all means go right ahead. Just be very careful that you never become an inconvenience to anybody, because we’ll make a note of the value that you put on human life, and we’ll make a point of reminding you.
- IMMIGRATION: If you want to contribute to the Empire as an LC, assimilating completely with your new family and sharing the duties and rights and privileges that we have, then step right up and make yourself at home. If, on the other hand, you are of the opinion that our way of doing things is inferior to how it’s done where you come from, we strongly suggest that you stay in your personal Paradise and refrain from trying to fuck up ours, because we’ll have absolutely none of it. We like it here and if you don’t, nobody’s forcing you to stay. As a matter of fact, we’ll be only too happy to escort you to the border and dropkick you across it.
Also, if you choose to come here, do yourself a favor and follow the legal procedure. Millions of others have done so before you, and there is absolutely no way in Hell that you’re going to convince us that you’re so damned special that you deserve preferential treatment. If you still think that the best way in is to break the law, we’d like to remind you that we’ll deal with you like any other home invader. With the exception that we’ll actually pay a reward to whoever snuffs out your ass.
- THE LAW: The Constitution means what it says. If you don’t like what it says, leave. If you try to invent a new right that isn’t specifically outlined in the Constitution, we’ll kick your ass. If you happen to be doing so from the bench, we’ll kick your ass, then send you off to enjoy the rest of your life strip mining for uranium in Alaska. Naked.
If you STILL think that something should be covered by the Constitution, you’ll just have to amend it which, given that we’ve abolished that wasteful entitlement program for illiterate, useless fuckheads that we used to call Congress, will require the following process:
First, you have to tell His Majesty why he shouldn’t just kick your ass and throw you to the lions, and you’ll have to convince us.
Second, you’ll have to travel the various States in random order, arguing as best you can in the public square, and we DO mean “public square” literally, for your proposed amendment, answering all questions to the best of your ability. Then it’s time for the free-for-all, where your supporters get to fight it out with your opponents. If you manage not to get your ass kicked decisively in the brawl, we’ll assume that you had more supporters than opponents and you may travel to the next State, where you’ll repeat the process. Once you’ve managed to avoid being beaten to a pulp and/or run out of town on a rail in 3/4 of the States, we’ll adopt your amendment.
- LAW ENFORCEMENT: The Imperial Police are your friends, and they spend all of their working hours putting their asses on the line for you, so they’ll be well paid indeed. Also, you WILL treat them with respect unless they initiate unpleasantness. “Initiating unpleasantness”, by the way, does NOT include pulling you over for doing 80 in a 45. You knew that you broke the law, so if you start by bitching the officer out for doing his job you’ll get a fine and an asskicking. And that goes for every other situation in which a reasonable person would have no way of thinking that he HADN’T done something wrong. We will demand that our Imperial Police Force address the citizenry with courtesy, but it’s a two way street, pal. They’re there to protect your ass, not kiss it, so frivolous complaints about the officer forgetting to address you as “Your Excellency” will be dealt with harshly. Let’s put it this way: You’ll end up wishing that he had kicked your ass.
Also, if you break the law you will pay the price. We don’t give a rat’s ass if you were on a sugar high, sat on a cold potty all of your childhood or manage to fool a dumbass shrink into testifying that your IQ is below that of a broccoli stalk. We already knew that. You wouldn’t have committed the crime if you were in possession of all of your marbles, now would you?
The courts aren’t there to protect you from the consequences of a horrible childhood or to turn you into a wonderful citizen, you already had your chance and you flunked miserably, they’re there to protect society from you. If you can’t deal with that, don’t break the law. Simple as that. We have an ample supply of tiny violins and no shortage of sad tunes if you think that you’re being treated unfairly.
- CAPITAL PUNISHMENT: Blindfold or no blindfold? Those are your choices. And don’t give us any sad excuses there either. If you were old or smart enough to murder somebody, you’re old and smart enough to get sent on a one-way trip to Hell. Cry to Satan, because we’re not listening. Our job isn’t to consider your root causes, our job is to make sure that you don’t kill again, and dead people are remarkably harmless.
- FOREIGN POLICY: The Empire of the United States of America is the best damn place on Earth, and don’t you morons unfortunate enough to live elsewhere forget it.
Also, the safety and national interests of the United States trumps any concerns or agendas you might have. We don’t give a shit. If you’re a threat to us, you’d best make sure your affairs are in order, because you’ll have exactly ONE chance to change your ways. No, the Empire will not give out second chances, as you’ve no doubt become accustomed to. We don’t care about your International Community and how it feels about us because, at the end of the day, the only reason you’re still around is that you haven’t given us sufficient reason to wipe your asses off of our planet. So don’t give us one. Because we will.
On the other hand, we also don’t care how you choose to run your inferior countries. If you want to be raging socialists or run around in robes worshipping rocks, have at it. At worst, the entertainment value of watching you fuck yourselves up will diminish over time, but we have no doubt that somebody else, somewhere will come up with another stupid scheme that we can laugh our butts off at.
The only thing we care about is whether your antics are a threat to our national interests or not. If they aren’t, fine. Enjoy yourselves, we know we’ll enjoy watching your idiocy. If they are, however, we’ll issue exactly ONE ultimatum, and we strongly suggest that you follow it to the letter, because the Empire is not about to be annoyed and/or inconvenienced by inferior turd world hellholes.
If you’re dumb enough to actually attack us, retribution will be brutal, disproportionate and immediate. So just say “no” to aggression. We’ve got enough technology to send every single one of you into orbit five hundred times and still have enough left over for an encore, so don’t even think about it. You’ll live much longer that way.
And the same goes for our allies. Mess with them and you mess with us. We’ll respond accordingly, and again there’ll be no tiresome debates in the UN about it. The only delay between your act of aggression and our retaliation will be due to having to punch in the GPS coordinates. And we have most of those punched in already, in case you’re wondering.
- VOTING RIGHTS: A surprisingly large number of you seem to be apprehensive about never being able to vote again, presumably because you’re worried that His Highness may not live forever, thus leaving you in the hands of some irresponsible numbnut with absolutely no recourse to checks and balances. We’ll overlook the obvious insult to the Imperial Heirs here and, instead, acknowledge that you have a point. After all, it’s not completely inconceivable that some future heir might lose his mind and start showing liberal tendencies and, besides, even the Roman Empire had a Senate in place to keep the Emperor from going completely nuts. So here’s how it’s going to be:
A representative body, let’s call it a Senate, will remain. This will serve to inform and advice His Imperial Majesty of the wisdom of his decrees, suggest new decrees for adoption, as well as the general populace’s opinion of them and, furthermore, in conjunction with the inviolable right of the citizenry to keep and bear arms, constantly remind him that having his ass kicked remains a distinct possibility, should he ever get too full of himself.
However, said august body will no longer be elected by anybody sentient enough to punch a hole in a piece of paper. It is a known fact that the vast majority of people aren’t qualified to run a lemonade stand, so they shouldn’t be allowed to run an Empire either. More importantly, it is hardly in the best interest of a nation to be a slave to morons only interested in voting themselves bennies for which they’ve never paid a dime. The Empire is a system of government, not a fucking ATM.
Therefore, in order to vote, you’ll have to meet the following criteria (in addition to the obvious criterion of being a citizen, of course):
1) You will have served the Empire in some function, for a period no less than 2 years. This is not limited to military service, any service to the Empire, paid of course, because nobody is expected to work for free, approved by decree will be sufficient. And trust us, there will be something you can do to serve your country, no matter how many dumb excuses for sitting on your ass that you can come up with. Should you insist, however, you still have the same rights as any other citizen, you just won’t be allowed to vote. If you’re not willing to serve the ideals that we all decide upon, you don’t get a say in deciding what those ideals should be. Don’t like it? Tough shit. You’re free to leave at any time.
Your two years of mandatory service will include education in the basics of government, economics and history, in case you were too monumentally stupid to stay awake during the easiest classes in K-12. If you don’t pass the test at the end, however, your service will be null and void as far as voting rights are concerned. We don’t need the ineducable making decisions for all of the rest of us. The good news is that your efforts, should you pass, will count as educational credits AND you’ll be paid while you study.
Upon completion of your 2 years of service, you’ll be issued an ID card containing nothing but proof of who you are that you will be required by law to present at the polling stations before you’ll be allowed to vote. If you try to cheat the system, you’ll be shot. On the spot.
2) If you don’t pay taxes, you will not vote. If you’re not among those who will have to pay for your “brilliant” ideas, you don’t get to enact them. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve paid $30 or $3,000,000, as long as you paid something. This will keep you from voting for ridiculously expensive government programs, thinking that somebody else will have to pay for your excesses. Nothing is more likely to keep you honest than the knowledge that you’ll have to do your part footing the bill. You’ll bring some proof of purchase for items bought in this country, it doesn’t matter if you bought a BMW or your weekly groceries, as long as it proves that you paid taxes, and you will bring your Proof of Service to the polling station, or you will not vote. No exceptions. The hard-working, tax-paying citizens of the Empire aren’t your personal sugar daddies and you don’t get to vote yourself bennies from their pockets. Again: If you don’t like it, move. We’ll pay the bus ticket for you.
3 I addition to the above, you’ll be required to prove that you own property in this country. It doesn’t matter one little bit whether you own Microsoft or a 500 square feet hovel in West Virginia, all that matters is that you own it and, therefore, have a very personal stake in this nation. If the future of this nation doesn’t have any very personal consequences to you, you don’t get to have a say in it.
- RELIGION: The Empire doesn’t give a flying fuck what or who you believe in or, indeed, if you believe in anything at all. That’s your personal decision, and we neither care nor intend to change it, as long as you respect other people’s right to believe as they want. If, however, you choose to impose your beliefs or non-beliefs on others, you will be shot. On the spot. If your beliefs conflict with the laws of the Empire, you can either shut the fuck up and live with it, leave the Empire, or be shot. We don’t care what your favorite deity or non-deity said about how things ought to be done. If you can’t live with it, you can live somewhere else or die here.
Also, your right to believe as you wish does NOT guarantee you the right to tell those who don’t agree with you to shut up about it. If somebody else’s beliefs, provided that they aren’t trying to force them upon you, bother you so much, you’re free to go hide under your bed. Or you can be shot. Your choice. Their right to believe in anything they choose to believe in is every bit as important as your right to NOT do so. Deal with it or get the fuck out of our free country.
(More to follow, we’re sure).