McCain, that’s who!

Every once in a while something comes along that is so incandescently imbecilic that we simply have to dig out the old FiskStick™ and go to work, lest anybody think that we’ve mothballed it. One such skullcrushingly stupid simpering simian would be Robert Scheer, who can always be relied upon to bring The Stupid™ in quantities that would make a sperm whale choke (h/t LC & IB Ace).

Is it possible that this time the October surprise was tried in August, and that the garbage issue of brave little Georgia struggling for its survival from the grasp of the Russian bear was stoked to influence the U.S. presidential election?

By Jove, I think he’s GOT it! Forget about this whole tedious load of nonsense commonly referred to as “history”, forget about Putin aspiring to reestablish the Soviet Empire, forget about historical grievances going back to before Scheer’s great-great-great-great-grandparents were even thought about, it’s McCain who is behind the whole damn thing!

L-rd have mercy. When we, once upon a long time ago, prayed to You to make our enemies foolish, we didn’t mean that You had to go completely overboard! No, not complaining, L-rd, just an observation. You really never do anything half way, do You?

Before you dismiss that possibility,

Sorry, what? Oh, you weren’t done yet. Hold on for a second while we go fish it back out from under the breakfast leftovers. There… Do go on.

consider the role of one Randy Scheunemann, for four years a paid lobbyist for the Georgian government, ending his official lobbying connection only in March, months after he became Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain’s senior foreign policy adviser.

Er, yes?

Previously, Scheunemann was best known as one of the neoconservatives who engineered the war in Iraq when he was a director of the Project for a New American Century. It was Scheunemann who, after working on the McCain 2000 presidential campaign, headed the Committee for the Liberation of Iraq, which championed the U.S. Iraq invasion.

Without which, of course, the children of Iraq would still be flying kites in the streets of Baghdad. In between dodging behind walls to escape Uday and Qusay’s amorous ouvertures, of course. “Rape” sounds so much better that way, doesn’t it?

Anyway, there we were with a genocidal madman with the declared goal of starting his WMD programs back up, a psychopath who had, on numerous occasions, himself declared that he still possessed a lot of them and, just to drive the point home, had used them on his own population, not to mention that every single intelligence agency on the planet agreed that he had them. A known and self-declared supporter, financially and otherwise, of terrorism and terrorists who was so much in violation of the terms of the ceasefire agreement that he’d signed in ‘91 that he had to go back violating several of them again and again whenever he got bored, a known threat to his neighbors and the vast energy supplies that they sat upon etc. etc. We were stumped. How could we possibly come up with a casus belli there? It was hopeless.

But then PNAC and their neoconservative IllumiHalliburton evil geniuses came along and, hey presto!, we were at war.

There are telltale signs

Translation: “Nothing resembling proof here, just idle speculation from my fevered mind, but I think that it is so, so you’re just going to have to believe me.”

that he played a similar role in the recent Georgia flare-up.

What? He was sitting around in a dacha in Nizhniy Novgorod, plotting the invasion of Georgia?

How else to explain the folly of his close friend and former employer, Georgian President Mikhail Saakashvili, in ordering an invasion of the breakaway region of South Ossetia, which clearly was expected to produce a Russian counter-reaction.

Ahhh… Of course. THAT settles it. Only a devious Jooo sorry, neocon could have possibly come up with that.

It is inconceivable

In-con-CEIVABLE, we tell you!

…that Saakashvili would have triggered this dangerous escalation without some assurance from influential Americans he trusted, like Scheunemann, that the United States would have his back.

“Yeah, Misha. You just go ahead. Noooo, don’t worry about Putin. If he as much as stirs, President Bush will launch an all-out nuclear strike on Moscow the next day. What? Would I, an advisor to a candidate for the Presidency lie to you? Heck, Bush and I are so buddy-buddy that I pick Laura’s lingerie for her. Yep, that’s right. So go ahead now, move right into South Ossetia.”

Scheunemann long guided McCain in these matters, even before he was officially running foreign policy for McCain’s presidential campaign.

And the fact that Scheunemann had allegedly guided McCain “in these matters”, a candidate for President who might become President effective January of 2009, immediately convinced Saakashvili that it would be perfectly fine to pick a fight with the Soviet Union Russia in August of 2008. We mean, what could possibly happen in the intervening four and a half months?

In 2005, while registered as a paid lobbyist for Georgia, Scheunemann worked with McCain to draft a congressional resolution pushing for Georgia’s membership in NATO. A year later, while still on the Georgian payroll, Scheunemann accompanied McCain on a trip to that country, where they met with Saakashvili and supported his bellicose views toward Russia’s Vladimir Putin.

Poor Putin. That unfairly maligned pacifist choir boy who wouldn’t hurt a fly!

Scheunemann is at the center of the neoconservative cabal that has come to dominate the Republican candidate’s foreign policy stance in a replay of the run-up to the war against Iraq.

Oh shit. We got a new “center” of our Cabal and nobody sent us the memo again?!

Dear Vast Right Wing Neocon Jooish Illuminati Conspiracy Cabal,

Misha, Cabal #1,224,558

These folks are always looking for a foreign enemy on which to base a new Cold War,

And in this case we picked the culprits of the Old Cold War, seeing as how it was beginning to look like their new leader hadn’t received the memo about that war being over. We’re such frackin’ geniuses, if we do say so ourself.

and with the collapse of Saddam Hussein’s regime, it was Putin’s Russia that came increasingly to fit the bill.

Not to interfere with your brilliant analysis here, but the “Cold War” with Saddam wasn’t all that, you know, “cold.” Besides, we weren’t aware that our “new Cold War” in Iraq was over yet. It’s not an unwinnable quagmire anymore?

Yes, it sounds diabolical,

Diabolically stupid, more like.

but that may be the most accurate way to assess the designs of the McCain campaign in matters of war and peace.

Then again, it may also be the most accurate way of assessing your dosage of Thorazine and whether it’s doing its job or not. We’d say no. You need to check back in for reevaluation.

There is every indication that the candidate’s demonization of Putin is an even grander plan than the previous use of Hussein to fuel American militarism with the fearsome enemy that it desperately needs.

And “demonizing” Putin has been incredibly tough, we can tell you that much. If only he’d been running his country like a dictatorship, appointing sock puppets when his own term limits ran out, if only he’d been killing dissident journalists in numbers that make the New York Times layoffs look like a slight reduction in the reception staff, if only he’d been poisoning expatriate dissidents with radioactive isotopes, if only…

It would have been so much easier that way. But noooo… He just had to be perfectly squeaky clean, so we had to send our man Scheunemann over there to fabricate a war that Putin never wanted in the first place, as evidenced by his complete and utter lack of response forces when the shit hit the fan.

McCain gets to look tough with a new Cold War to fight while Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama, scrambling to make sense of a more measured foreign policy posture, will seem weak in comparison.

You’d have been fine if you’d ended this nonsensical paragraph right after “Barack Obama, scrambling to make sense.” Period, full stop.

Meanwhile, the dire consequences of the Bush legacy McCain has inherited, from the disaster of Iraq to the economic meltdown, conveniently will be ignored. But it will provide the military-industrial complex,

Ahhh… The Military-Industrial Complex. Now that you’ve touched on all of the obligatory talking points, it’s time to put Chomsky’s flaccid cock back down and go wipe your chin, Bobby.

which has helped bankroll the neoconservatives, with an excuse for ramping up a military budget that is already bigger than that of the rest of the world combined.

Which reminds us: Where the FUCK is our check from the Military-Industrial Complex? Still hung up in the mail? After seven fucking YEARS???

What is at work here is a neoconservative, self-fulfilling prophecy in which Russia is turned into an enemy that ramps up its largely reduced military,

That’s right. We did that. As a matter of fact, even as we speak, in a Top Secret Military-Industrial Complex Facility in Area 51, brown skinned slave labor is working 90-hour weeks manufacturing Russian tanks, artillery and aircraft that we then ship to Moscow… By UFO.

and Putin is cast as the new Joseph Stalin bogeyman, evoking images of the old Soviet Union.

When, in truth, he is a modern-day Mahatma Gandhi.

McCain has condemned a “revanchist Russia” that should once again be contained. Although Putin has been the enormously popular elected leader of post-Communist Russia,

You forgot the quotes around “elected.”

it is assumed that imperialism is always lurking, not only in his DNA but in that of the Russian people.

Imperialism isn’t so much “lurking” as storming across the borders of Georgia and having one hell of a noisy picnic within, we might point out.

How convenient to forget that Stalin was a Georgian,

Just who the fuck, apart from the drooling, sub-retarded minions of the loony left, have “forgotten” that Stalin was Georgian? More importantly, what does that have to do with it? Right after you get done accusing us of throwing “sins of the fathers” at the Russians, you get right on the ball suggesting that, since Stalin was shat out in Georgia, they’re the real Stalinists here.

and indeed if Russian troops had occupied the threatened Georgian town of Gori, they would have found a museum still honoring their local boy, who made good by seizing control of the Russian revolution.

Which would, otherwise, inevitably have led to a TRUE Socialist Workers’ Paradise, just as Robert Scheer has always told you. DAMN that Georgian bastard Stalin for ruining Robert’s dream! Bloody Georgians deserve what they’re getting for that alone!

Indeed five Russian bombs were allegedly dropped on Gori’s Stalin Square on Tuesday.

It should also be mentioned that the post-Communist Georgians have imperial designs on South Ossetia and Abkhazia.

“Imperialist designs?” On territory that, agree with it or not, lie within their own fucking borders???

Somebody please get poor Robert his meds, right now. No, on the other hand, don’t. We’re simply having too much fun here. It isn’t often that we come across something so cosmically cluefucked as this drivel, incoherent, illogical ravings of a lunatic that the SF Chronicle, much to nobody’s surprise, saw fit to provide column inches for.

What a stark contradiction that the United States, which championed Kosovo’s independence from Serbia, now is ignoring Georgia’s invasion of its ethnically rebellious provinces.

Well dammit. For once the stopped clock manages to be right on something. But that’s about all that he got right in that mindboggling mass of moronity.

How that proves that McCain is the mastermind behind Putin’s invasion of Georgia, however…

Damn you, Putin, you McCain sock puppet you!

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 14th, 2008 at 1:16 PM and is filed under Idiotarians, Lefty America-Haters, Russia. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.